Here's a bombshell: ever since my period returned I've been, well... "trying" to get pregnant again. Even though I know that there is only a fraction of a chance of it actually happening.
And I have such mixed feelings about it.
Honestly, if I were a normal "fertile" I would NEVER even FATHOM the thought of trying again so soon! I am so not ready to be pregnant again! And for so many reasons. Like, I don't think I would want my kids to be so close in age. Like, I want to be able to fully enjoy Ruby as a baby and toddler and don't want to be feeling sick and/or hobbling around after her with a big belly or looking after a newborn. Like, I don't want to be this weight when I get pregnant again - I need to lose more weight so I don't get so big again and hopefully have a little easier pregnancy.
And do I really want another child? At this point I'm not entirely sold on the idea (although I'm 99% sure I want more than one). Ruby has been an extremely easy baby and I'm having so much fun with her. I can easily imagine a life with just the three of us and how much fun we could have.
So why the hell would I be "trying" to have another right now???
Because I'm 34 - so close to that magic infertile age when everything goes downhill the minute it's your 35th birthday . Tick tock, you know? And I probably WILL want to have more kids. I'd love for Ruby to grow up with a sibling. And I really don't want to go through IVF again if I can at all help it. And so even if now isn't the most convenient time for me to get pregnant again, I'll be damned if I'm going to waste that 1% chance each month by not trying at least.
But last night, the bullshit of it all really sunk in for me. I really don't want to get into too much detail on the whole thing but we were... well... you know, "trying" and it started out fun enough, but then things went a bit downhill and it was suddenly apparent that the whole operation wasn't going to work out. And normally if things weren't working out I would just throw in the towel and say "fuck it" (excuse the pun). But because I don't want to blow any chance - no matter how minuscule - I agreed to carry on with a less than appealing, and really not very fun way of "getting the job done". And I didn't enjoy it at all. And truth be know, my feelings ended up getting really hurt and I cried myself to sleep.
And I feel sad and bitter and hurt about infertility again, but in a slightly different way this time.
I'm so very thankful to have Ruby. My life has never been so good. And if I live the rest of my life with only her, I will be ok. But until I have completely reconciled to having no more children, infertility will continue to hang over me like a black cloud and it will continue to affect my life.