Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Infertility sucks

Here's a bombshell: ever since my period returned I've been, well... "trying" to get pregnant again. Even though I know that there is only a fraction of a chance of it actually happening.

And I have such mixed feelings about it.

Honestly, if I were a normal "fertile" I would NEVER even FATHOM the thought of trying again so soon! I am so not ready to be pregnant again! And for so many reasons. Like, I don't think I would want my kids to be so close in age. Like, I want to be able to fully enjoy Ruby as a baby and toddler and don't want to be feeling sick and/or hobbling around after her with a big belly or looking after a newborn. Like, I don't want to be this weight when I get pregnant again - I need to lose more weight so I don't get so big again and hopefully have a little easier pregnancy.

And do I really want another child? At this point I'm not entirely sold on the idea (although I'm 99% sure I want more than one). Ruby has been an extremely easy baby and I'm having so much fun with her. I can easily imagine a life with just the three of us and how much fun we could have.

So why the hell would I be "trying" to have another right now???

Because I'm 34 - so close to that magic infertile age when everything goes downhill the minute it's your 35th birthday . Tick tock, you know? And I probably WILL want to have more kids. I'd love for Ruby to grow up with a sibling. And I really don't want to go through IVF again if I can at all help it. And so even if now isn't the most convenient time for me to get pregnant again, I'll be damned if I'm going to waste that 1% chance each month by not trying at least.

But last night, the bullshit of it all really sunk in for me. I really don't want to get into too much detail on the whole thing but we were... well... you know, "trying" and it started out fun enough, but then things went a bit downhill and it was suddenly apparent that the whole operation wasn't going to work out. And normally if things weren't working out I would just throw in the towel and say "fuck it" (excuse the pun). But because I don't want to blow any chance - no matter how minuscule - I agreed to carry on with a less than appealing, and really not very fun way of "getting the job done". And I didn't enjoy it at all. And truth be know, my feelings ended up getting really hurt and I cried myself to sleep.

And I feel sad and bitter and hurt about infertility again, but in a slightly different way this time.

I'm so very thankful to have Ruby. My life has never been so good. And if I live the rest of my life with only her, I will be ok. But until I have completely reconciled to having no more children, infertility will continue to hang over me like a black cloud and it will continue to affect my life.

9 comments:

noswimmers said...

We never really get rid of the evil IF, do we?

((HUGS)) to you.

Sully said...

Again, did I write this post? I've been trying to put the same thoughts down on paper over the past few weeks. Being told by my OB/GYN "I wouldn't wait for more than a year" at my 6 week checkup really sucked. I honestly don't want another baby right now (is it horrible for me to say that?). But I know that I will down the line. Gah. Plus, I will have to do IVF again, most likely...so now, the decision is when?

Mommy Shoes said...

Thank you for putting this words down. It so describes how I feel, except I already hit the big 35 this year. I so want to spend time with my son and just focus on him, but I don't want him to be an only child either. I just want to be like fertile people who can plan when they have their babies.

julyla said...

Thanks for sharing. I am due to have our first IVF baby in 4 weeks, and I've already started thinking about these things. Trying, wanting more children, when to start. I just hoped that the feelings of IF went away. I guess they don't. I'm so happy to hear that your enjoying your sweet baby girl though. Take good care!

Candi B. said...

we are "trying", too. its weird because ppl are like "omg you're crazy for having another one so soon." they don't understand i.f. at all.

Just Jen said...

Ah! I too have been questioning the same things. Life is good now, real good, finally we have the baby we have waited so long for. But lately I find myself jealous everytime I see or hear about another pregnant person. I have come to terms that Hudson may be our only child and I am content with that. We have also discussed on the flip side that soon enough I will be 34,and plan on doing another round of IVF next fall when I am 35. 35! Eek! I am freaking out at the fact that I will be on the age of the fertilty downslide, and Andy suggests that we go THIS fall rather than waiting when it took so long to have our baby in the first place.
All the while, you keep all the same thoughts in the back of your mind 'what if it just happened?' and then you almost feel like you would be crazy to have such thoughs of possibly having your children so close together. And not giving enough one on one time before putting siblings in the mix. It would however be an amazing surprise, (and a huge bonus of saving a good chunk of change!) unlike the first time... knowing when conception happened to the very minute.

But, everything happens for a reason. What is meant to be will happen.

Emily said...

I know I will be going through this. What sucks the most is that you want a 'miracle', and of course there can't be a miracle if you don't try. So we'll end up trying for our whole lives, which can get pretty stressful. G and I talk about this alot. we will always try, and if there is that tiny chance, we have to allow that chance to come to play... I just worry it will suck the life out of our sex lives.

I'm sorry you had to feel sad. Infertility is always there, and it's the worst.

chicklet said...

While we don't even have the first one out yet, we've talked about this a bit and talked that maybe we won't try for another one - we'll adopt instead, or stop at one. We both feel like we can't go back to that place, particularly not with a kid involved as we wouldn't want them to get that terrible vibe/sadness from us. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with what you're doing - I get it - I just think for me, I don't want to go back there. It was not a good place so I'm so sorry you're back in it.

chicklet said...

While we don't even have the first one out yet, we've talked about this a bit and talked that maybe we won't try for another one - we'll adopt instead, or stop at one. We both feel like we can't go back to that place, particularly not with a kid involved as we wouldn't want them to get that terrible vibe/sadness from us. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with what you're doing - I get it - I just think for me, I don't want to go back there. It was not a good place so I'm so sorry you're back in it.