Thursday, February 18, 2010


I went to the doctor today about my shoulder. I have been having such sharp, ripping, tingling pains in it so much lately. I was up half the night last night because of pain when I move even the slightest bit. In fact, I shed tears over it.

My doctor is a completely separate entity from the midwives that I see during pregnancy – but after explaining my pain to him he said that it is pregnancy related and it’s a muscle strain. As I figured. And there’s very little one can do about it. Also as I figured.

He was, however, very sympathetic as his wife recently had their second baby and they now have two that are 18 months apart. He said she had the same problem with her shoulder and that it is aggravated by carrying a toddler. Hers apparently got so bad he had to inject her muscles with something or other.

He suggested physiotherapy and/or massage and/or acupuncture. I’ve got a lead on a good acupuncturist in my area (thanks M) who also does deep tissue massage and I am going to book in with her ASAP.

I also mentioned in passing about my Symphisis Pubic Dysfunction and his heart really went out to me. He said that’s a terrible thing to deal with and that because I will have pain with every movement that I’d be having a hard time keeping my weight down.

Ring-a-ding-ding! Yes sir.

Although of course I got all defensive – thinking that I must look fat if he’s noticing that I can’t keep my weight down and I went on to tell him that I’d been hitting the gym 3-4 times a week and suffering with the pain afterwards because I NEED to do it.

Anyways, I just want to say that I feel very very sorry for people who suffer from chronic pain. It is terrible and takes a toll not only physically but also mentally. It is seriously dragging me down to be constantly hurting – even when doing the most menial of tasks (like rolling over in bed). I managed to get to the privacy of my car before I burst out in hysterical, pregnancy-hormone, over-tired, feeling-sorry-for-myself tears.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Feeling a bit better

Thanks, everyone, for your kind comments on my last post.

Things have improved a bit – as they always do, right?

Not sure if Steve read my post or if whatever was eating at him went away or whatever – but there has been a slight improvement. I am trying so hard not be bitchy and whiny all the time so he will be happier and in turn I will be happier.

I eased up at the gym a bit. Took a few days off and when I returned I tried to remind myself of my limitations and didn’t push too hard. I still get extra sore and stiff in the pelvis after I work out but if I take it a little bit easy then it's not quite as bad. And I'm not quite as exhausted afterward too. My shoulder is still a mess and I'm not sure what to do about it. Wondering if I trip to the doctor is in order or if that would be a waste of time since I can't take any pain killers and probably should avoid an x-ray. Not sure what else they could suggest.

Also – last night at the gym a random, nice looking guy stopped me to compliment me on my sleeve and to discuss the color scheme, etc. It was the first time anyone has shown any interest in me other than to ask how old Ruby is or how far along I am. And oh how it lifted me up. It truly made my day.

I'm trying not to worry too much about the housework but that is really hard. I cannot stand to just let things go in my house. I need order and cleanliness. I am not a neat freak my any standard but I do like my house to be clean and tidy.

I don't want to let the small stuff get to me and so I'm really trying to just roll with things. It's hard.

Anyways, thanks again for your support during my “time of need”. It’s appreciated more than you know.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Everybody has their own problems

I’m tired. I’ve never been this fatigued in my entire life. Some days I have no idea how I’m going to make it through to the end of the day and I can’t help but to cry.

My body hurts. I am so envious of normal pregnant people who’s bodies don’t fall apart on them during pregnancy. I suffer from SPD and it has already gotten quite uncomfortable. I’ve also done something to the muscle in my shoulder. I suspect it’s from carrying around a 14 month old girl who CAN walk but doesn’t have full confidence in herself yet so she doesn’t do it unless she does it accidentally. The shoulder is painful mostly when I’m in bed at night. I have woken up yelling out in pain. It feels like Steve is jabbing a dagger into my back (although I’ve never actually seen a weapon, I’m not entirely convinced that he’s not). Also painful at night is rolling over in bed, thanks to the SPD.

I am horrified at my body right now. Yes, I have a baby belly but below the bump is a large deposit of disgusting fat. My stomach is grotesque. My skin is stretched from having Ruby and my fat just hangs off of me. It hangs OVER me. I am extremely self conscious of myself. I see people looking at me and I think they are probably wondering if I’m fat or pregnant. It’s probably hard to tell even though I’m 22 weeks. I have never felt so unattractive in my entire life.

Steve is either disgusted with me or he doesn’t like me anymore or he’s got other things on his mind because he mostly just ignores me. What I wouldn’t do for a little bit of comfort or understanding from him. A shoulder rub? A foot rub? A hug for Christ sake! Anything whatsoever? Nothing. When I tell him something he usually doesn’t even acknowledge me. Seriously – I talk to him and he doesn’t even look at me half the time. Then he gets annoyed if I repeat myself to him. It makes me feel very lonely even when I’m not alone. Who else do I have to lean on if not him? Conversation is minimal unless it’s about Ruby. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a kickass dad. He’s hands on with Ruby and he’s really good with her. Is it pathetic of me then to want more from him? For me? I want him to show me that he loves me and that he appreciates what I’m going through. I wonder if he takes me for granted. I am pretty sure he thinks I’m just a giant bitch because I ask him to do things that he doesn’t feel like doing. Or because sometimes I get frustrated when the house is a disaster zone, or the TV is too loud, or the counter is covered with dirty dishes and the dishwasher is full and I need to make us dinner. I’ll throw a fork in the sink or slam a cupboard or something out of frustration and he sneers and laughs at me and shakes his head like I’m the biggest fucking loser he’s ever met. It’s degrading to me and makes me feel like losing my fucking mind.

I go to the gym every other day in hopes of keeping my weight from skyrocketing and to also to keep my mental health in check. Yes, it helps my mental health but my lord it does a number on my body. When I go in the evening and then come home and shower and go to bed, I usually get up in the night to go pee and many times I have almost collapsed from the pain in my pelvis. That has happened a lot actually. And the shoulder pain is always worse on gym nights too. I wake up crying from pain and Steve rolls over and ignores me.

I weep a lot. I find it so frustrating to have so little energy and being so uncomfortable all the time and to still have to work full time and take care of my girl and to keep a decent house and to exercise regularly. I know I could be a better mom to Ruby if I wasn’t so exhausted and that makes me sad and even more frustrated. I just want to feel good. I want to be happy. Sometimes I’m afraid that I’m getting depressed.

I'm putting it here because I need to get it out. I can’t talk to Steve and I don’t like to burden people with my shit because hey, everybody has their own problems. Who am I to complain about my life? Boo fucking hoo.

Sunday, February 7, 2010

I cried x 3

* A third midwife was added to my team of two midwives. I met her for the first time on Thursday. She has the look that I desire. Not too skinny, but healthy. Not all supermodelish but beautiful in a toned down way. Almost tough looking but I don't mean that in a Joan Jett kind of way. I mean it in a sexy kind of, relaxed understated way (make sense? no?). And wouldn't you know it we discussed my weight. She didn't say anything bad about it but we did talk about how I can prevent myself from gaining 68lbs this time around. She told me I don't have to gain that much. That I should just resist the cravings. I don't get that many cravings this time around. I found her hard to talk to. I think part of it was my jealousy of her. And yes, I know how fucking dumb that is. I left there feeling quite depressed and I cried in the car afterwards and also when I got home.

* Ruby is now fully weaned off the bottle. She takes two or three cups of milk a day and as of this weekend it all comes from a sippy cup. The big test was the one before bed. But we had no problems with it last night so I packaged up all the bottles and put them away. I was really proud of myself and of Ruby and was quite happy. And then a half hour later I was really sad and I cried because she's growing up.

* I have a friend who is currently doing her second IVF cycle in hopes of becoming pregnant for the first time. She's very private and doesn't talk about it to anyone - usually including me. I talked to her on the phone about it a little bit when she first started her cycle. I sent her an email yesterday just to let her know that I am thinking of her and wishing her all the best. I got an email back tonight saying that she just did her transfer yesterday and that they didn't get to blastocyst but they had 3 transferable embryos. I bawled my eyes out when I read it. Here I thought I was kind of past that IF emotion stuff but as it turns out I was just suppressing it because I had too many other things to think about. Who knew?