Friday, April 29, 2011


I felt sorry for myself yesterday so the Universe plotted and gave me a reason to feel sorry for someone else.

Last night (or this morning actually) some motherfucker tried to break in to my 72 year old, recently widowed MIL's house by kicking in the front door at 1am. 

She said it sounded like someone drove a car into her house.  She got up and turned all the lights on - which likely scared the motherfucker away.  When she saw that her front door had been smashed off it's hinges and paint chips had been scattered right across her entryway, she called 911. 

It took the police 9 minutes to get there.

She has a bad heart and so on top of being petrified of someone assaulting her, she was scared she might have a heart attack.

The police found a giant shoe print on the front door and some matching footprints in the back yard.

There was apparently a rash of break-ins last night in her area. 

WHY her house?  Why?  That's so not fair. 

I feel just awful for her.  I can't imagine the level of fear she must have felt.  And how insecure she will feel in her own home now.

Steve is going out there tonight to secure her windows and replace her door (which is shattered). She has a house alarm which she doesn't know how to use, but he is going to teach her and insist she start using it.

He may stay the night with her if she needs him.

I don't know what will come of this now.  It's a pretty big setback on the road to healing if you ask me. 

Thursday, April 28, 2011


Been feeling a bit tired and blue lately and can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is.  I guess it's probably a combo of a few different things.

My birthday is this Saturday.  My Mom's birthday is on Monday.  My Dad's 60th birthday is the following Saturday. And then Mother's Day is that Sunday.  Busy time.  And expensive.  And I'm broke. And not a lot of time to shop. 

Want to hear my selfishness?  I just want to enjoy my birthday and not have to worry about planning and shopping for everyone else.  I feel terrible for feeling that way.  It's just that I haven't had a decent birthday in quite a few years.  Last year I was hugely and most uncomfortably pregnant. The year before that I had a 4 month old baby. The previous year I was disgustingly nauseous and pregnant. And the year before that I was in a severe depression after my first failed IVF.  Not to mention this past year has been a really rough one. I just want to be a princess this year but there are other people to think about and consider.  I'm tired and overworked and worn out and I just want to be selfish and only think about myself. 

Otherwise I'm getting tired of being stuck in my house every day. I usually don't have a vehicle and my getting out depends on the weather - which has really sucked for a really long time.  Lots of rain and cold air.  Hard to take the kids out in the stroller in those conditions.

Happy note - I've lost 20lbs on Weight Watchers.  Still lots to go though and sometimes I just want to eat and not worry about trying to be healthy.  Also, since dropping some weight my clothes don't fit. I have nothing but oversized sweat pants to wear which is normally ok since I don't get out much.  But on the odd occasion that I do go out, I have nothing to wear and feel frumpy and not overly attractive.  No extra cash in my pocket to get new clothes, and scared to buy anything because I plan on losing more weight.  What to do. I just want to feel good about myself. 

Worried about Lincoln.  He's really into making strange with people who aren't me or Steve.  It is difficult and annoying and frustrating and also quite embarrassing. He screams bloody murder if I leave the room and he is with someone else. He will not calm down and his freakout escalates until I return.  I don't know how to fix this and I am worried about what hell we are going to go through when I go back to work in June.  This one keeps me up at night.  Suggestions?

I suppose these are the trials and tribulations of being a mom of a 10month old and a 28 month old.  Nobody said it would be easy, I know that.  Just in a bit of a slump and trying to work it out so we can all be happy. 

PS: On a really positive note, Steve and I are doing much better. He has changed so much in the past few weeks and I'm so thankful and happy for it. 

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


There has been a marked and drastic improvement in Steve's mood since the The Great Blowup of 2011 - although in this house we are never to speak of that night ever again.  Any reference on my part to our big fight is met with a blank stare.  He's remarkable that way.  He is so good at denial that I swear he has the ability to almost entirely wipe the incident from his own mind.  Gone. Sometimes I wish I could do that - instead of reliving it and rethinking it and second guessing and regretting.

He played in a soccer tournament all weekend this past weekend and stayed at his Mom's house.  He went to a soccer party Saturday night.  I was a single mom all weekend and by Sunday afternoon I was D.O.N.E. Tired and emotional and depressed that my weekend was gone and I didn't get any sort of break to reset myself.  As hard as it was, I didn't take it out on him. I mean, he plays on a soccer team and there are commitments that go with that and the tournament was planned well in advance.  But when it was all said and done on Sunday evening, I was in tears and told him that that was two weekends in a row that I suffered and didn't get to enjoy myself much.  He said (in all earnest), "Why? What happened last weekend??"

Yesterday my dad came for a visit during the day. I was cleaning the house and while vacuuming I lifted up the area rug to clean under it and I said, "OH LOOK! Here's all Steve's problems!"

Steve came home for lunch and we all had lunch together.  After Steve went back to work, my dad commented that he noticed a HUGE difference in Steve. 

So it's real then. I'm not just imagining it because I want it so badly.

I'm doing my part to make things better too.  I am actually listening to him tell me how his day was, or about what he read on some sports page, or about how his mom is doing.  How can I complain that he never talks to me if I shut off just because he's not talking about what *I* want? 

I'm working hard at not playing the part of the bitter, resentful twat.  It hard because I'm really good at it, and I've always believed in investing in the natural talents that we're gifted with. 

It feels good to be connecting again.  It's so important to me.  I'm scared that it's temporary.  That it will fade, or that the next big catastrophe will hit soon and we'll be struggling through our next battle.  For now though, I'm just so fucking happy to have a little peace and love that I'm soaking in every bit of it and doing everything in my power to hold on to it.