Friday, June 25, 2010


June 23rd started out like this...
I was officially one full week overdue and feeling every bit uncomfortable as I looked.

I had an appointment with my midwife that afternoon. After an exam and discussion she asked if I would be interested in taking a labour inducing "cocktail" that is made up of natural ingredients and very commonly used in Europe. I had heard of the cocktail before as a friend of mine used it and had success. I figured it couldn't hurt and so she gave me one ingredient that was not readily available at health food stores.

If I was to take the cocktail I was under strict instructions to call the midwives prior to taking the first dose so that they could plan out their evening. I was also to have someone the house to look after Ruby. And if/when I went into labour, I was to head to the hospital after I had two hard contractions within 5 minutes.

So I went and bought the rest of the ingredients for the cocktail. I had my mom at the house with her overnight bag. And I advised the midwives I was going to go ahead and take the cocktail.

I took the first dose at 5:15pm June 23. By 7:45pm my contractions had started although they were fairly mild. I took the second dose at 10:15pm and went to bed. I woke up at 12:45am June 24th with some stronger contractions. Steve flew out of bed grabbed the bag and headed for the door. I wasn't sure we were ready to go but since the hospital was a bit of a drive to get to, I agreed to go.

We called the midwife to meet us at the hospital.

Contractions got stronger on the way.

By the time I was admitted and wheeled into my room at about 2am, the contractions had eased up and slowed down a bit. I was only 3cm dilated.

The midwife on call had me sit in the jet bath for a half hour or so while she tried to catch some sleep down the hall.

After the bath I layed down on the bed and dozed off. I woke up at about 3am to a stronger contraction and then a "pop" feeling. I stood up and realized my water had broke (what little of it was left).

Steve buzzed for the midwife.

Contractions just got stronger from there.

And stronger.

There was no time for any sort of pain medication except the gas and after a couple of puffs I didn't think it was doing anything to help the pain and only making it harder to breath so I gave up on it and suffered through some pretty severe pain.

And by severe, I mean that I begged to die.


At 5am, I was fully dilated and was told to push. I cried and begged for them to get the baby out some other way - any other way - because I did not feel I had it in me to push. I again begged to die.

How I ever found the strength to push I will never know, but at 5:14am Lincoln Ross Roberts was finally born.

He weighed in at a whopping 8lbs 13oz...
His dad was bursting with pride...
Lincoln had a little nap in bed with me, then was given a bath and then we got him dressed and 8 hours after giving birth we headed home. I just didn't see the point in sitting around the hospital for whole other day and night.

I felt like I had been in a bad car accident and was (still am) completely exhausted but we're making it work. I'm just so happy to have that part over with and to have my new baby boy home.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Is that a light?

Yesterday's NST was "textbook perfect". The boy is happy and healthy. And he REALLY loves his mom ALOT because he apparently never wants to leave my belly.

I am hoping this is not an indication that he will still be living in my basement suite when he is 30.

They booked me another NST for Friday. And an AFI/US. AND... and an OB consult. We were told to come prepared to be induced. Although the hospital's policy is not to induce until 41w3d and I will "only" be 41w2d on Friday, my midwife tells me that the OB who is working on that day will likely not wait until Saturday.

I really, really didn't want it this way. I wanted it to happen naturally. I really wanted that experience. I do feel a bit sad about the whole situation - but also somewhat relieved that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My god, I thought it would be long over by now.

I "broke the news" to my mom last night and she said she would take Friday off work to care for Ruby. She did mention that her co-worker was being extra psychotic lately (she takes it personally no matter how much I tell her it's so obviously not about her) so she was a bit apprehensive letting her know she wouldn't be there on Friday but did say that it would just have to be. I'm hugely relieved that we don't have to bring Ruby with us.

And Steve has booked 2 weeks holidays starting this Friday.

Now I just have to get myself through 3 more days.

Monday, June 21, 2010

5 days OD

At 5 days overdue I'm struggling to stay positive.

Yes, I know this won't and can't last forever, but every day it goes on it gets harder and harder.

One of my biggest struggles is with Ruby. I find it difficult to care for her while I'm this pregnant. My body is hurting all the time and my energy level isn't very high. I feel terrible that I'm not the mommy I want to be to her right now. I know she senses it too. She deserves better, my little angel. My best is not good enough right now.

Also - I'm struggling with the fact that I don't have local childcare for her. My daycare closed at the end of May and I don't know how to find someone else to take care of her for just once in a while. Most daycares don't take kids for just a day, or a few hours here and there. And I don't know enough people locally or have the resources to find a babysitter. I couldn't just leave her with some stranger.

The only person I have for looking after her is my mom and she lives 45 minutes away and works full time. She LOVES looking after Ruby but doesn't like taking time off work because the woman who covers for her is a psychopath. That and she actually doesn't like taking time off for anything. (No question where I inherited my work ethics from)

Today I have another NST and an AFI (amniotic fluid indicator) and I have to bring Ruby with me because my mom took a day off last week while I had these same tests done. Luckily Steve is off today so he's coming with us and is going to look after her while I have my tests but the situation isn't ideal. Who wants to be toting a toddler around a hospital?

I have a midwife appt on Wednesday and I will have to bring Ruby with me to that too.

And then sometime this week I will possibly (likely) have an obstetric consult to schedule an induction. Who will look after Ruby then? Steve will probably have to work. My mom will be working. I'm stressed about it. What will happen? I know I can't bring her with me to the hospital by myself.

Yesterday I had my ILs and my parents over for BBQ for Fathers Day (thankfully it was short and sweet and everyone was well behaved). My MIL was asking my mom if she was taking holidays soon. My mom explained that Steve would be taking 2 weeks vacation when the baby was born and then she would be taking one week after that but that she was "on call" to come look after Ruby when I go into the hospital to have the baby. Then she said, "But I'm really hoping it's just a quick in and out, one day thing." So that she doesn't have to take more than one day off work.

Well fuck, Mom. I can't control the circumstances of the baby being born - as much as I would like to. And it just adds more stress to know that's how she feels about it.

Adding to the stress - she lives 45mins to an hour away. The hospital is another 45 minutes in the opposite direction. The hospital is in the middle of the city. So none of it is easy or convenient.

Depending on how today goes with the NST and AFI I was thinking that it might be better (for me) if my mom took her holidays this week so that she could help me with Ruby and babysit her when I need to be at my appointments. But I know she wants to spend her time off with the new baby.

And on top of all that did I mention that I'm now FIVE DAYS overdue? Aside from all the childcare issues - I feel extremely uncomfortable, in pain all the time and having a really hard time keeping my chin up. I'm finding it harder and harder to keep myself occupied and to not think about the when and the how and the where and all the rest of it. And I'm just aching for it to be over and to get on with the next part - which I also fear and know will not be easy, but at least I want to get on with it.

Ok, that concludes my whining for the day. Off to do my hair and put on makeup and get dressed and push on with my day.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

NST, U/S, Pelvic exam

I'm now officially overdue.

Yesterday's ultrasound showed that the amniotic fluid is indeed a little bit low but not low enough to induce.

The NST showed that the little dude in my tummy is quite comfortable and happy and under no stress whatsoever. He apparently has no intentions of leaving any time soon.

A repeat NST was booked for Monday just to check that the fluids aren't dropping and that everything remains good.

Midwife appointment showed that my cervix is soft but not dilated and posterior. It's shortened a teensy tiny bit but nothing substantial. The midwife commented on how high up my cervix is and maybe that's why the baby hasn't actually settled into my pelvis yet (although some days it sure feels like he's trying). His head is against my cervix but my cervix is up high. So, not too sure what that all means. I was assured that even though I'm not dilated or effaced and the baby isn't settled into my pelvis that I still COULD go into labour at any time. That gave me a tiny bit of hope.

Last night and this morning I had the feeling that I would get just before I get my period. Yes, this would have excited me except that this has happened so much over the past couple of weeks that I no longer think too much about it. Last night and this morning were stronger than the other times but the feeling has abated now, as it always does. I suspect the feeling may have come from being poked and prodded so much yesterday.

And that is all I`ve got.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

The latest

My due date is tomorrow.

I have never been this pregnant before. Ruby was born 3 days before my due date.

I gave up on drinking all the raspberry leaf tea because... well... it's not pleasurable and after a few days of drinking 3 cups of it a day and nothing happening I gave up on it. I realize it's probably more of a longer term thing but whatever.

I had a stretch and sweep done (good times!) last Wednesday.

I've now been for 2 acupuncture appointments in which I was "induced" and nothing has happened. Cue the sound of a toilet flushing and 110 of my hard earned dollars going down it.

Ruby poured water on me while I was laying in bed this morning, soaking my sheets. I stared at it willing to somehow have been MY water that broke. No luck.

Steve has been sick all weekend. Man sick. You know what that means? The world might just be ending. He had the nerve to suggest that it might have been brought on by the stress of worrying about when the baby was going to be born. Lucky for him I was buckled into a moving car and there were no sharp objects within my reach and although I could have reached over and strangled him or punched his eyeballs until he could no longer see - he was driving so I may have put my own life in jeopardy. Poor Ruby would have been an orphan.

In the meantime this means that during his two days off (Sunday, Monday) there was minimal to no help with Ruby. And he's been up all night, two nights in a row, giving me a play-by-play of his bodily functions. "TARA, something is really wrong with me!!!!" Really? Because something has been really wrong with me for the past 9 fucking months and I haven't experienced all that much sympathy so get the fuck out of this bed and go lock yourself in the bathroom until you deal with whatever the hell it is that ails you.

Oh, and maybe the next time you order fish and chips, you won't consume an entire tub of tartar sauce and/or maybe you should send the fucking fish back if it is grey and soggy instead of washing it down with another beer. Just a thought.

Anyways, I go into the hospital tomorrow for an NST (Non Stress Test) and an ultrasound. I had this done with Ruby when I was 39 weeks pregnant and it resulted in the discovery that I was low on fluid, she was in distress and I needed to be induced (she was born a few days later). Apparently there is a chance of that happening again, so... maybe something will happen on Wednesday.

And if not, I will be allowed to go 10 days overdue before any further action is taken.

In the meantime, I am miserable.

Thank you, that is all.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Is this normal??

I don't know what to do with Ruby. She's making me nuts. My god I love her more than I could ever express but I am not having a good time lately.

She has all sorts of toys to play with but she doesn't want to play with them - even if I play with her. She wants things that are mine.

I can no longer do anything on the computer as long as she is awake (she's napping now). It makes her crazy and he NEEDS to push all the buttons. I have sent so many nonsensical, half written emails because she is reaching over me slamming on the keyboard.

I can't do housework because she doesn't want me to. When I try to prepare a meal she will wedge herself in between me and the counter and push me away from it. All while whining.

She wants me to pick her up - but only if I'm standing or walking or trying to do something. If I try to sit down with her she gets pissed and whines. It doesn't work well with my current physical condition.

If I am on the phone she wants the phone. She will fight me to push the buttons while I'm trying to talk. This goes double for my Blackberry. She's obsessed with it.

She doesn't want me to wear sunglasses - she wants to take them off, put them on, give them to her dad, break the arms off them, put them on me, stick the arms of them into my eyeballs.

I can not sit at the table and read the paper, she wants up and will cry and whine until I let her up onto my lap - she will then proceed to grab the paper and throw it all over the floor.

She signs food or drink and then will only eat a few bites before she throws it all on the floor. But when I try to clean it up she hangs off me and cries.

Sometimes she wants ME to eat her food. And she loses it when I won't. But she doesn't give up. She will push it in my face and smear it on me or my clothes until I take it away. Then she cries.

There is no television watching. I have tried every cartoon ever made, I've tried the Doodlebops, the Yo Gabba Gabba, Sesame Street - whatever. She couldn't give a shit about the TV. Yes, I know this is supposed to be good but my god sometimes I would give anything for a few minutes of peace.

When I eat she whines. She acts like she wants what I have but when I give her a bite she spits it on the floor (oh my god I can't tell you how crazy that makes me). She wants to play with my fork (smashing it on the plate). She doesn't want her water, she wants mine.

When I have to go pee I try to occupy her and then I race to the bathroom but she's never far behind. In the time it takes me to pee she can unravel an entire roll of toilet paper, pull out every tampon and pad I own and thow them all over the bathroom, eat a half a bar of soap, empty the garbage and wave around the toilet brush.

She also started biting me again. Yesterday she bit my nipple. No, she's not being breastfed - she just somehow knew to pick the most painful and vulnerable place on my body. Oh, and it was while I was on the phone.

And it's not the same when Steve is home. She's much better behaved for him. She doesn't bite him or act like a little psychotic maniac with him (usually). Is it me? What the hell can I do different? What am I doing wrong. What. The. Fuck??? I'm fairly limited right now as to what I can do with her. Not to mention it's been raining pretty much every day since I have been off work so there's not a lot of going outside lately either.

Maybe she's bored or maybe she's not burning enough energy - or maybe she just plain enjoys tormenting me?

Honestly, I am being reduced to tears. I don't know what to do. I'm 9 months pregnant and I'm in constant pain and discomfort and I just can't keep up. My mental health is being tested.

What's going to happen when I have to look after a newborn too? What will happen then? What will happen until then? I'm going crazy and I'm getting really scared of what my future looks like.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

39 weeks

I am on the left, the fridge is on the right. Just in case you were confused...

At 39 weeks I have gained 30lbs less than I did with Ruby - although the latest pregnancy picture I have with her was at 36 weeks so I have nothing to compare to.

I'm done. I'm soooooo done with being pregnant. Forever. I am looking forward to not being an invalid, in constant pain and discomfort all. the. time. I will never do this again and I am very much ok with that.

I officially finished work. I was done with going in to the office last Tuesday and my obligation to assist via telephone and email was over on Friday. I haven't heard a word from them. No, "thank you for your extra efforts" no, "good luck, let us know when the baby arrives". Nothing. They can kiss my ass.

I have been drinking the organic red raspberry leaf tea like crazy for the past week. Praying it's going to do something for me. I also have an acupuncture appointment for this Thursday evening, hoping to get something happening with that. And although it's really hard to walk, and I pay a dear and painful price for it - I've been trying to at least get out and walk around the block with Ruby in the stroller every evening.

I have no idea what this is going to look like from the other side, but I'm very ready to be done with this phase.

Monday, June 7, 2010


I now have TWO carseats in the back seat of my STATION WAGON.

I have been waiting for the fact that I am going to have TWO children (18 months apart) to sink in. Somehow being one week away from my due date and feeling like I am walking around with a full keg of beer somehow sitting just under the skin of my stomach hasn't quite made it real enough for me.

But the few minutes that I just spent standing, staring at the back seat of my car looking at two carseats and imagining what it's going to be like when they're occupied... I think that may have done it as far as reality goes.