Friday, October 30, 2009


Morning sickness and pooey diapers do not mix.

That is all.

Thank you.

Monday, October 26, 2009


My beta came back as "normal". However, my doctor is sending me for an ultrasound next week just to confirm that there is only ONE little nutrient sucking freeloader in there and not TWO. Because Steve's grandmother had twins. And wouldn't that just be the icing?

In other news we've decided not to sell our house and/or move. Oh lord did I feel good after we came to that decision. I really would like to live closer to my mother but right now I just can not fathom the stress that showing/selling/looking/buying/moving would bring to my life. So we've committed to stay here for at least another year. We're going to take back the basement suite (which we currently have rented out) in the spring and make it more of a family area. We'll move the computer down there (I'm asking Santa for a laptop for Christmas anyways), and we're going to rename it the "granny suite" so that my mom is tricked into thinking that we set it up just for her and then she will feel obligated to come and stay more often. She is already talking about cutting back her hours at work. Staying put will also help us save some money, including the extra income from the suite for a little while longer.

*Deciding not to sell our house lifted a giant weight off my shoulders - even though this house really won't hold us forever. But for now, we'll make it work.

I'm still not quite "there" yet in terms of fully accepting this pregnancy - I know that's hard to understand for a lot of people but until you're walking in my shoes, please don't judge. It's a very strange place to be right now. I do feel that the "normal" beta helped a bit though. And I think the ultrasound will be another push in the right direction as long as it, too, comes back "normal".

*Yes, yes I know this is what many of you had already "advised" me to do. Please hold on to your "I-told-you-so's" though, as this is a decision that I had to come to myself.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009


* Steve apparently spoke to his mother on Monday about her behavior on Saturday night. She says she didn't mean anything by the comment and it wasn't intended to hurt my feelings. She claims to have had no idea she did anything wrong. So typical. Steve told her that she really hurt my feelings - she doesn't understand why. I haven't heard word one from her since then. An apology? Not counting on it. Lift rug and sweep.

* Went for my beta yesterday morning. I wasn't sure how this thing works for regular folk - normally I would spend the afternoon with the phone attached to my hip, waiting for "the call" from "the clinic". So after hearing nothing I phoned my doctor's office and they told me that they don't give results over the phone and I needed to make an appointment to see the doctor to discuss the results. So I have an appointment for Friday. That seems like a long time to wait.

* Been experiencing the death hunger again. Not cool. Really hard to not gain a stack of weight when you feel like you might die from starvation every half an hour. I am thankful to not be as nauseous and sick as I was in the first tri with Ruby, but that sick, starving tummy is back. I almost threw up this morning from it.

* I got some healthy yet satisfying snacks on hand like low fat cottage cheese, hard boiled eggs, cereal and skim milk - so that when I get so hungry at least I've got something half assed healthy to snack on. And I've also decided to write down everything that I eat in hopes of keeping my food intake somewhat under control. Cuz you know that when I'm starving like that, it ain't for carrot sticks.

* Running has been really hard. I'm trying to stick to it (for the love of God, I'm only at 6 weeks!!!) but my endurance has really dropped in the past few days. It makes me frustrated and sad. I won't give up yet though. I'm hoping that if I stick to it, it will get better once the fatigue stage has passed.

* Ruby's been a bit difficult lately. She's really whiny and crying lots. It's hard right now because I feel like I haven't got the energy that I had a few weeks ago. I'm tired and blah and gross feeling. Some times when she's crying I cry too. I don't know what else to do. Some days I just can't seem to make her happy and it makes me feel like I'm not doing a good job as her mother right now. I can't help but wonder that if I was feeling better I would be able to handle her better.

* Steve's been totally kickass awesome lately. He's been helping out with Ruby a LOT. He doesn't have to be asked to change her diapers or help her when she's fussing. He lets me have a break when he's home. He's also been helping with dinner a lot. And the other day he even washed the floor... on his own... without being asked... Just awesome.

* Ruby is going to Grandma's house this weekend to give me a bit of a break. I am looking forward to going to the pub on Saturday afternoon and swilling a bunch of cold beers and eating chicken wings with blue cheese dip while watching the hockey game.

Oh... wait a minute... the above plan is currently under revision...

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Some support, some cruelty

Our families now know.

We told them at a dinner party at my BIL and SIL's house on Saturday night. (Well, I told my mom last week and told my dad before we left for dinner.) Everyone was ecstatic. People were laughing and crying and hugging and kissing and it all felt very good.

Until we were later seated at the dinner table and my SIL asked if I wanted whipped cream on my pie. I said no because I really didn't want to gain 68lbs again, like I did with Ruby. And my MIL pipes up and says, "THAT'S HOW MUCH YOU GAINED!!!???" I said, "yes..." And he looked at me like I just told her I once murdered someone for twenty dollars. She raised her eyebrows and made a face of complete disgust and said, "Jeeeez..."

The room fell silent. My jaw dropped. I was so embarrassed and hurt. Nobody said a word. I just looked away and shook my head and said, "Unbelievable". (This from a woman living in a glass house, throwing those kinds of stones...)

Discomfort for all followed. My night was ruined. I was pissed that nobody stood up to her (including myself). Steve hugged me and said, "You looked beautiful when you were pregnant." Unfortunately not loud enough for her to hear.

I did write a post about it on my other blog, knowing that she reads/stalks that blog obsessively. It may have been a childish way to deal with the situation but it did bring me some satisfaction and comfort. I tried to do it as tactfully as possible. Whatever, it's not like anybody in this family is interested in dealing with these sort of things in an adult manner. I would know - I've tried going that route in the past with zero success.

Why she would choose a time like that to go for the jugular, I'll never know. I don't know what is wrong with her. She's an ignorant bitch and every time she does something like this, it just causes more and more permanent damage. I'll never forget the things she's said and done to me. This was a big one.

On the bright side of things - I'm pleased that my family is so happy and excited for us. I don't know why but I somehow expected a negative reaction.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Bring it on!

That's right. I can do this shit. Bring it.

Thanks so much for your supportive and encouraging comments and emails and phone calls that reinforce the notion that I will be able to pull this off. It's definitely not going to be easy but nothing that's worth anything ever comes easy. I, of all people, know that well.

I'm happy and excited for Ruby that she gets to grow up with a sibling. After all, that is what we had hoped for (we just never thought it would ever happen since I had vowed to never do IVF again).

Also, there will now be enough of us in this family to play card games on future Friday nights when we're too broke to leave the house.

Of note:

We ended up going to my BIL and SIL's last night instead of tonight. It was fine. I was given a beer and I had a sip or two from it and then when nobody was looking I had Steve slug it back. Ruby was a great diversion so nobody really noticed anything.


Our families are getting together for dinner tomorrow night. We're thinking of telling them then. We really need support and encouragement right now, and we're feeling kind of alone in the world with this secret. Besides, if *God forbid* anything go wrong with this pregnancy, we would need their support and would tell them then. So it might help us to tell them now. (Also then I wouldn't have to worry about fake-drinking beer.) I'm still really scared to tell anyone, even family, but I think it might be for the best. I'm still thinking this one through.


(Originally the title had 4 or 5 exclamation points but I scaled it back to one. Let's not get too carried away.)

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Random thoughts

If I write them on my blog, will it help stop them from swirling around my head???

~I will have two children, 18 months apart.

~Two in diapers, two in car seats, two in strollers.

~My house isn't appropriate for a family of 4 (a family of 4!!). We will have to sell it and buy a different one - sometime within the next few months.

~If we are moving to a new house we are going to get one close to my parents. I am going to need all the help I can get and they currently live 45mins to an hour away.

~Moving closer to my parents will make a hell of a commute for Steve to get to/from work.

~Have a verbal agreement with the tenants in my basement suite that they would stay for a year. Not looking forward to letting them know that plans have changed.

~I return to work December 7th. I'm due June 16th. Only going back to work for six months. How *popular* will I be with my bosses? I'm guessing, not very.

~Not sure how I am going to survive on maternity leave wages for yet another year. We won't have enough time to get back on our feet from the first one.

~So very nervous about my beta next week.

~My car isn't going to cut it for a family of 4 either. And we currently only have the one vehicle.

~I never hid my first pregnancy at all. I'm keeping this one a secret for a while yet. Not sure how to do the not drinking thing at get togethers. I usually have a cocktail or two. How do I do this without giving anything away? Going to watch the hockey game at BIL and SIL's place tomorrow, and dinner there on Saturday and they're big cocktailers. I'm not, but I would normally have one or two. Not sure how to pull this off.

~I am at the same weight I was when Ruby was conceived. I do NOT want to gain 68lbs again.

~Went for a jog/walk this morning. Chicklet did it for 30ish weeks, I want to do it for a while too, as long as I can anyways.

~Steve has been awesome lately. Going the extra mile with Ruby, helping with dinners, helping with cleanup, etc. I hope he can keep it up. I will need all the help I can get.

~I just really need to hear that everything is going to be ok.

(I'm really scared.)

There's more, this is just all I can get out right now.

Monday, October 12, 2009


Steve has 1% viable sperm. We were told that we had approximately a 1% chance of ever conceiving naturally.

A doctor confirmed today that I will be 5 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I go for a HCG beta next week. So different from getting here via IVF.

Still so early. Scared to death to be happy. Feel some guilt for Ruby. Feel some IF guilt.

Somewhat stunned silent.

Shock. Complete Shock.

My increased emotional state is not due to PPD.

My counselor was wrong about that, although I give her credit for figuring out that it is biologically caused. That, it is...





I am in complete and utter shock. I don't know what to say. I have a lot of things to work out in my head and in my life.


Friday, October 9, 2009

Not quite in the clear...

I thought I had it alllll figured out. I thought I had it allll together. I thought I was going to get through this first year unscathed. I was wrong.

Considering my lengthy history with depression and anxiety, I was at a super high risk for PPD. But it didn't happen. I felt so happy and full and complete and the PPD never seemed to catch up with me - until it did.

Well, there were all those terrible visions that I kept having about Ruby. I would think we were going to get hit by a car while walking or into a horrible car accident or mauled by a dog or fall down the stairs or, or, or... There were many of those vivid, VIVID visions and they happened every time I left the house. but I felt fairly safe inside my house. It was my safe place, my sanctuary. Where I was the Queen of the Castle. I kept the place clean and orderly, I kept the meals on the table, I kept the laundry piles to a minimum. I got out regularly and the visions, the terrible, vivid visions started to fade a bit.

Then we rented out our basement suite to complete strangers.

And it pretty much pushed me over the edge. (An edge I didn't even realize I was standing next to)

For the past two weeks I have been paralyzed with anxiety. Anxiety worse than I can ever remember having in the past. So bad that my whole body goes cold. I shiver and shake. I hyperventilate. My eyes get super heavy and tired. My body aches at night from being so tense during the day.

There are STRANGERS living in my house! And they keep different hours than me! And I can smell their food! And they make noises that I don't recognize... in MY HOUSE!!! They also happen to tell lies (stupid lies that there is no apparent reason for) which just sent me straight into Fuckedupville via the Crazy Train.

Part of it is definitely their fault. They're idiots. But for now they're paying rent and they mostly adhere to the rules we make. So a big part of it is me.

I realized yesterday that I needed some professional help and today I finally broke down and went to see my counselor. She's amazing.

After listening to what's been going on, she said that she feels I'm dealing with a version of PPD. Those horrible, graphic visions are a type of PPD. And having the new people in my basement totally set me off. Yes, I should have some concern about them but not to the degree that I am experiencing. Oh and the visions that were fading? Are returning. I went to check on Ruby this morning and I was so sure that somebody had somehow stolen her in the middle of the night that when I looked in her crib I didn't see her, and I knew she was gone forever. My heart jumped. I gasped! Until she moved and I saw her and realized I was fucked up in the head.

So my counselor feels strongly that I might need some meds to help me level out the anxiety. She doesn't think I'm depressed, but she really thinks that I need some anti-depressants or something of the like. And she's not one to readily suggest medication. But she was readily suggesting it.

She said that being a mom is hard work - if you're doing it right. She said I'm a bit worn out and I need to stop "white knuckling" it. I need a break. I need to relax. And I need some help. She advised that I make a doctors appointment ASAP.

I really never wanted to do the anti-depressant thing again. But I know she's right. I am surprised I didn't put it together before. I mean, I am a bit of a veteran with the whole depression/anxiety thing. Although I guess I've only ever used AD's to help me with depression, the anxiety was just a bonus on the side. This time it's almost all anxiety. Super bad anxiety.

So I feel a little better now that a professional has "assessed" me and made some suggestions. Meds and some reworking my thoughts and some relaxation techniques and some extra security for my portion of the house. I'm giving all of it some very serious thought.

Speaking of thoughts... I thought I was going to get off scott free in the PPD department. The first year is almost over, after all. How does this happen at 10 months???

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Don't blink

All you ladies out there who have recently had babies, or who are going to have one soon?
Here's my advice: Don't blink.

Because this can happen in the blink of an eye:

Ruby graduated from the travel (and oh so convenient) carseat today to a "big girl" carseat.

But I was pretty sure that it was only a week or so ago that I brought her home from the hospital! She seemed like such a tiny little peanut in that big, cavernous carseat.