Thursday, May 26, 2011

The Final Chapter

My year long maternity leave is close to ending. I return to work in less than a month.  I have spent more time on maternity leave over the past 2 1/2 years than I have spent at work. Admittedly I am a little bit (or a lot, depending on the day) stressed and overwhelmed with the ginormous change that is about to take place in my life, in my family's lives. Obvious things like getting kids ready to be somewhere every morning at 7am.  Not being home during the day. Not having the "freedom" that I have now.  My kids adjusting to not being with me all day.  ME adjusting to not being with my kids.  Organizing the cooking and cleaning and maintenance in my home that I do now during the day. 

But there's also other stuff. 

Like, the realization that I'm now entering the real world and the rest of my life. No more babies.  No more maternity leave. This chapter of my life is coming to a close and will never happen again. I hope I've made the best of it.  I hope I can look back on it with fond memories and be proud of myself and how I spent these first years with my babies.

It's also made me think a lot about this blog.  I find myself writing here less and less.  Often I struggle with what to write in this space and how often.  Lately, more often than not I've used it as a place to bitch about my inlaws or my husband - boo!  I have found this blog to be a wonderful place to get support and help and suggestions from some of the smartest women in the world (you guys!). I would be sad to let it go. But... I think that's where I'm headed.  Mixed feelings about that.  I have been a part of the IF community for many, many years.  I think I've been holding on to this blog to continue to hold on to that part of me but maybe it's time to release it all. 

I will not be totally gone, however. I do have another blog that I have been writing for years and years (long before the IF years). And I will continue to write there.  I have always been open on that blog about my IF, however I have left out some of the nitty gritty details and many of the deeply personal struggles.  Obviously I've also omitted the private matters with my ILs and battles with my husband (only because they read it). Lately I have found myself to be more and more open and honest and "naked" when writing on that blog, regardless of the fact that so many people I know IRL (including family) read it and that can be a bit scary sometimes.

I invite you all to join me at  Tarable and to comment your little hearts out, no holds barred.

I also plan on still keeping tabs on all of you.  I will continue to read and comment, however I will be ever so cleverly disguised as "Tarable" instead of Tara.

Feels strange to be moving on.  It's good though.  Change is good.  Moving forward is good.

Moving forward.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Long Weekend

Steve's soccer team is playing in an annual tournament in a town about a 6-7 hour drive from our home (Vernon) on the May long weekend.

Originally I planned to go too, with the kids. Then I changed my mind, thinking it would be too much work.

Then this week I realized that next Thursday morning, Steve will leave and be gone for 5 days.

That's 5 days as a single mom with a 2.5 year old and an 11 month old...

Naturally I went into panic mode and required sedation.

So it turns out that it's NOT too late for the kids and I to join in on this little trip. Heh... *phew*

Except that while I blocked out all Steve's planning and trip details over the past couple of months, he made arrangements to leave on Thursday morning to go golfing in a neighboring city with a teammate.  Which just means that I would have to drive to Vernon, alone with the kids on Friday.  Which... I'm going to do.  But I'm a little bit nervous. But kind of excited about the trip too. The hotel has a pool and free breakfast and we have a kitchenette and there are restaurants and a mall nearby.  With a little luck the weather will be decent and we have have some fun.

My concerns are these -
~ the drive, alone with two little, bitty kids.
~ Lincoln's sleeping (I don't want to mess it up)
~ being stuck in the hotel room every night from 7pm on because kids need to go to bed.
~ sticking to my diet
~ getting obsessed with planning for the next week.

Anyone who has any tips, suggestions, tricks, assvice for me? I'm all ears.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Child Care

I believe I may be on the path to eradicate one of my big wake-me-in-the-night worries.  Child care for my return to work which is next month.

Quite a few months ago Steve told me of a co-worker who was hiring a nanny from overseas. This co-worker was interested in doing a "nanny share" with us.  The plan was that my kids would go to their house every day and their nanny would look after my kids while her kids were at school all day.  It would have cost us half of what sending them to a daycare would cost. 

I agreed. Reluctantly.

See, I never felt good about it. A few things bugged me.  Their house was in the opposite direction of my house and my work.  My kids would not have any other kids to interact with all day.  The nanny was yet to arrive in the country and nobody knew what her communication skills would be like.  Nobody in this country had ever met her before so who knows what she is like. Nobody to ask for references.

Then things started getting irritating.  There was a nanny coming from Amsterdam. Then Vietnam. Then finally the nanny was flying in from Hong Kong.  She was going to arrive in March. But then not. Then she was getting here in April. Then April was over and she wasn't here.  Then it was May.  Then we were supposed to get together with the other couple to finalize everything but that fell through. Nanny was to arrive May 9th (today) but last week that was pushed back yet again. 

None of this was helping to make me feel any more comfortable with the situation.

Finally, when the story changed again last week, STEVE (of all people) put an end to it.  He told his co-worker that we are out of the deal.  She wasn't happy (now she has to pay the full price for the nanny) but I was thrilled - although a little panicky about finding a daycare for a baby and toddler in such short notice. But not to worry, Steve was told by another co-worker of a woman who has two openings for June 1st.  STEVE phoned her and arranged for us to go visit the daycare.  STEVE did all this! 


We went today.  When we first got to the daycare Ruby walked right in and sat down and started playing with toys like she'd been there a million times.  The woman took Lincoln out of Steve's arms and my Mama's Boy didn't burst into tears!! There were a couple other kids there and they looked content. We looked around and I asked my questions.  She had all the right answers.  She was very accommodating.

The going rate for my kids would normally be about $1400 per month, but she will charge us only $1100. She will also provide all food and snacks. 


When we went to leave, Ruby cried. She wanted to stay. The woman gave her and Lincoln both a cookie and helped them to the door. 

It all seems good. 

There's just a few small things that bug me and I'm probably being petty.... First, the place is a bit run down.  It's an older basement and while it wasn't dirty, it was just in a bit of rough shape.  Then again, as I look down at my once clean and plush area rug in my living room I realize, kids wreck shit. As long as they are being cared for in a proper manner and the place is clean and safe, I really shouldn't worry about it not being a fancy, pretty place. Actually one of the mistakes I made with Ruby when she first went to daycare was that I allowed a fancy, pretty place to overshadow my gut feelings and Ruby's reactions to the daycare.

The other thing that bugs me is that maybe the woman was too nice? I mean, she was super accommodating and helpful and I thought, "Is she really like this or is she just trying to get our business?" Sad that I can't trust people and take them at face value.  Am I too cynical and untrusting?  Steve loved her and thought the place was just fine.

I do think that this will be the daycare we go with.  I think I'd probably be able to find some fault with any and every single place I looked into to.  It seems like this is the right place.  The way it came about, the price, how my kids acted when they were there - I think, I *hope* it is the right place for us.

I want to start sending them there part time in the beginning of June to break them in so that when I go back to work full time near the end of June, it is not such a traumatic event for all of us.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Me, lately

I am so tired of unloading my dishwasher. I hate it so much. I feel like my head is always inside that motherfucker. Along with sweeping, vacuuming, wiping counters and picking up toys. These are the things that fill my days and I am growing very tired of it.

Ruby will NOT poop on the potty.  No matter what I do. No matter what I try. She asks for a diaper every time she has to go.

I hate my new haircut.

When I did my taxes I was getting $575 back. I already owed $300 from a mistake made last year. I have been waiting for the difference for 3 weeks now.  I need money so bad.  I just discovered that my taxes were "reassessed" and I now owe a total of $635. 

Every penny I get goes to bills and food.  When Steve adds extra cheese to his veggies I want to scream. And when Ruby says she wants applesauce and then when I open it she won't eat it because she says it's "dirty" I want to cry.

I bought Nabob coffee because it was on sale and I hate the taste of it. I haven't had a cup of coffee in the morning for over a week.

I bought my mom some nice birthday presents and called her on her birthday but she didn't have a nice day anyways, I guess because my dad is sick and he didn't do anything nice for her.  I feel responsible, like I should have done more because I knew he'd fuck it up. 

My bathroom is filthy.

I bought cheap shampoo and now my head is itchy and my hair is dry and frazzled.

My bank account is wayyyyyy too far into the red. It makes me feel sick.  I can't even afford to buy myself a cup of coffee.

I feel like I'm failing at everything right now. Every single thing.

I'm depressed and I just want to be alone, but my kids hang off me and won't leave me alone for a second to release my tears in peace.