Thursday, April 29, 2010


~Had an U/S last week to see if the placenta had moved away from the cervix and indeed it has. The tech told me the baby was about 5lb3oz – which at 32 weeks had me freaking out a bit.

~Had a midwife appt yesterday and was advised that the tech’s math was wrong and the boy is only about 4ish pounds. Much better. His head is in the 64th percentile – which I’m cool with. His legs are in the 88th percentile. Another long one. I’m ok with that as long as the head stays a reasonable size.

~Got my hair done yesterday for the first time in a long time. Haven’t had it cut in about 7 months and I haven’t had it colored professionally in quite a few years. I was nervous about getting it done but it turned out quite nice and I’m pleased with it. Haven’t been able to get a picture of it since I got home late-ish last night and this morning when I was trying to style it I had a monster hanging off my pant leg so I didn’t get to do much more than straighten out the odd kink.

~Having some struggles with my relationship with Steve lately. I’m so frustrated and upset when we don’t see eye to eye. He’s not a talker so I try to ask a million questions of him to try to sort things out. But he will always say “nothing is wrong”, or that I’m being a bitch about things or that I have misunderstood something he said. He’s a really bad procrastinator which right now is making me insane considering I am freaking out a bit and need things to get taken care of. I can ask him a million times to fix/clean/paint/move something and in the end I will do it myself. I think it would make him feel bad for not doing it and allowing his 7 ½ months pregnant wife to do it but it doesn’t seem that way. I’m not sure where to go or what to do about our struggles. (This is the fairly glossed over version of what's really going on)

~My 35th birthday is tomorrow. I should be in Vegas committing heinous debaucheries that I would regret for the rest of my life, but I will instead be going out for dinner with my husband while my mom babysits. Still not a bad deal. Steve said he would grab me a card tonight and then maybe on Sunday he will get me a present. Why can’t he understand how much it would mean to me to wake up tomorrow morning with something special waiting for me? I’ve told him as much. I do know I will be disappointed, so I’m prepping my mind for that.

~Really getting stressed out at work. I wanted to be done on May 28 but since feet were dragged in regards to hiring someone to replace me, I am going to have to stay on into the first week of June. I know I’m not due until June 16th but I would have liked a little time to myself before life gets crazier. Also I don’t feel confident in my abilities to train someone. And I no longer have an office but a cubicle and everyone in this office can hear every word I say and will hear me word for word while I’m training someone. I feel self conscious about that. My replacement starts this coming Monday and I am dreading it so much.

~I briefly mentioned this in my last post but to elaborate – my daycare is closing at the end of May, permanently. I am SO SAD about this. I went through so much hell trying to find a good daycare for Ruby and I really like the woman that cares for her now. I wouldn’t have been able to afford (nor would I have wanted to) continue sending Ruby there full time while I am on mat leave but I did plan on sending her there once a week or once every 2 weeks. I was looking forward to having a potential “babysitter” for the odd day if I needed to do something. Now I have nobody again and have to start all over. Not to mention that first week of June when I had planned to be off but now have to work?

~Thanks for all your support on my past couple of posts. It means so much to me. Really, it does.

Monday, April 19, 2010


Can my marriage survive 2 kids? A newborn and a toddler?

Can it survive the rest of this pregnancy?

Will I ever feel well rested again?

Does Ruby know something now? Is that why she is constantly biting, scratching, pinching and hitting me.

Will I ever have a clean house again? Will I stop caring?

Should I get my hair cut now or wait til after the baby is born? What about a cut and color?

Am I too old to be doing this 2 young kids thing and be good at it?

Will Ruby resent me when I have to spend so much time and energy on a new baby?

Will I be able to train someone to do my job properly before I go on maternity leave?

Will the ultrasound on Wednesday show the placenta has moved? And that it is still functioning properly?

Will we be able to pay our bills?

Will we ever get a second vehicle?

Will we ever get the brakes fixed on our first vehicle?

Will I get treated special on my 35th birthday next week?

What about Mothers Day?

If I'm so much smaller with this pregnancy, why am I getting new stretch marks?

Will the Canucks have a good playoff run?

Why did my daycare lady have to decide to close permanently at the end of May?

Will I be able to breastfeed this time?

Will Ruby EVER cuddle with me? Will my son be a cuddler?

Will he be a "good" baby?

Is this going to be as hard as I'm sure it's going to be?

Am I mistaking fatigue for depression? Or depression for fatigue? Or am I feeling both?

Can I do this?

Will I ever feel "ready"?

Does anyone have a crystal ball?

Sunday, April 11, 2010


I'm in a weird place with this blog. Not sure what to write about. Feel kind of lost in limbo as I don't really feel like I fit into any one slot or with any particular community.

Granted I spent my share of time in the trenches of IF. Going through 2 IVFs have marked me for life and I will always be attached to the IF community.

Then with the successful IVF, I was still attached to the IF community but also to the Parenting After IF community. And maybe some Mommy Blogs too. Although you always lose some readers when you make that transition from one side to the other.

And then came the surprise pregnancy. Well that just seemed to send me to the dark side where fewer and fewer people can relate to me and therefore I'm in a much, much smaller group of commrades. Throw in the struggle I've had with accepting the pregnancy and I might even venture to say that I've been shunned somewhat by whatever small group of followers I still had.

Oh I know there's a few of you troopers that still come here from time to time to see what I'm up to - and I love and appreciate every single one of you.

But now what do I write about? Sure there's the odd post about IF when it comes up. And there's the odd post about parenting Ruby. There's the odd post about my current pregnancy but I don't have a lot to say since this isn't my first rodeo and I'm kind of just rolling along. It's not as if I don't know what to expect like my last pregnancy and I wrote about every little thing that happened to my body - hoping somebody could explain it. And if I wrote about all the things I struggle with NOW? Well...

*tap* *tap* *tap* "Is this thing on???"

So I don't know where to go from here. Thought about throwing in the towel and just moving on, but that doesn't feel right either. I seem to have lost my blogging groove and I have no idea how to get it back.

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Tether Straps

Steve usually has Mondays off but was asked to work this coming Monday. We need the extra cash so we tried to find childcare for her since I also work on Monday. I asked the daycare lady but she's closed since it's Easter Monday. So I thought I would ask my mom, since she talks about how much she wishes she could be Ruby's babysitter and always jumps at the chance to spend time with her.

She said she would love to look after Ruby on Monday. So Steve got the go-ahead to work.

Then my dad got involved...

The back story is this: We have been storing some furniture in my parents basement while we rented our basement out. But that disaster was over some months ago and we've been working on getting our basement back to normal. We just haven't had the ways or means to get our two couches and one bed back to our house. My dad has an old work truck and recently picked up a a trailer to attach to it though, so he can haul our furniture for us. We just needed the opportunity.

Since tomorrow is Easter Sunday we're going to my parents for dinner. My parents suggested that Steve and my dad load up the furniture while we're there for dinner and then the next morning they will drive it to our house, babysit Ruby for the few hours that they're needed and when Steve gets home he and my dad can unload the furniture and they can be on their merry way.

Sounded like the perfect plan. Until...

My dad called me yesterday and says that when we come out on Sunday he would like to get Ruby's carseat out of my car and put it in his work truck. That way Ruby could spend the night there on Sunday and "they" wouldn't have to get up so early on Monday morning.

I told him I wasn't sure I was comfortable putting Ruby's carseat in his work truck. I told him that there are a lot of straps and hooks that attach the carseat into the vehicle. That it's not easy to hook up and that most vehicles these days have a latch on the back seat to attach the carseat to. I asked him what year his work truck is.


And it's a beater.

Yeah, Dad, I'm not crazy about this idea. Your truck isn't exactly made for a carseat.

And this is what he said, "Well if it doesn't have the right latch, I'll just tether strap it in". By which he means using the tie-downs that he uses to hold things such as tools and etc in the back, he will just strap the carseat down to the truck seat.

Bah! Why go to the trouble, Dad? She's old enough now, why don't we just throw her in the back of the pickup and she can ride back there with the furniture. I'm sure she won't fall out. It'll be an adventure for her!

What the fuck is wrong with him???!!!

Firstly, it's hard enough for me to ask for help in the first place. For him to complain that it's too early in the morning and to ask me to do this is ridiculous.

Secondly, how is it that he thinks it is acceptable to just strap the carseat in using tie-downs??? This scares the shit out of me! What else does he think is "ok"? Doesn't exactly make me feel comfortable with leaving her overnight there. Ever. Even though my mom is strictly the one responsible for her when she's there, he is still there and the years of alcohol and drug use/abuse are taking their toll on his brain. And he comes up with some of the most fucked up ideas and it's hard to shut him down once he gets on to something.

When I discussed this with my mom later (she wasn't aware he had phoned and made such suggestions), I asked, "If he thinks that's ok, then how is it that I'm almost 35 and still alive today?" And she explained that it was because he had zero involvement in raising my brother or I when we were little. He decided to step in when we became teenagers and we had already zero respect for him and revolted against him - which caused a whole lot of ugly.

In the end, Ruby is NOT staying the night on Sunday. If he/they can't help with the furniture then fine, it will stay there until we get another opportunity. If HE finds it too early in the morning to babysit his granddaughter for a few hours then HE doesn't need to come (HE wasn't asked in the first place). If my mother can't say no to him and his fucked up ideas, then I don't need her help either. I will find another solution to my problem. I always have and I will continue to do so.