Thursday, May 27, 2010

Headed in the right direction

Looks like the boy is headed in the right direction after all. He's just nowhere near being engaged but that's ok. Ruby's head never did engage until she was on her way out.

Two more days of going to work. The final day on Tuesday is going to be maximum stress but I will get through it knowing it's my last one.

Tomorrow is Ruby's last day of daycare. I'm actually excited about that. I find the whole daycare routine very tiring and a little stressful.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

37 weeks

Get this... I've been so stressed about work partly because I felt sorry for my boss and the mess she was going to have to deal with after I'm gone. Neither of us feel that my replacement is capable of doing anything more than just the basics so my boss has been on me to teach her how to complete a month end. I've been stressing about showing it to her and about time running out.

She had yesterday off so I asked her this morning when she might have time to go through the month end. She told me not today because she really wanted to get caught up in her work that she missed from being off yesterday. Fair enough. But then she told me she'd be off tomorrow as well because she had a big party to go to tonight... not sure she'd feel like coming in in the morning.


Know what that means? That means that I no longer give a shit about any of it. She clearly has her priorities. I have mine. I will ensure that my needs get met.

I advised her that the only day I would agree to actually come in to work next week was Tuesday as that was the crucial month end date and I had already agreed to it. She fussed a bit that I wouldn't be there Monday... but too bad, Party Girl. I then agreed to be available only via email thru to next Friday. I won't be coming in at all next week other than Tuesday. And they will be paying my full salary to that point as well. After that - they're out of luck.

Then I'll be using my 3 weeks vacation they owe me (at full salary), and THEN I'll be on mat leave. Sorry, no room for discussion on any of this.


In the meantime, I had my 37 week midwife appt today. And well I'll be damned but they think this baby is breach!!! WTF!??? Last week the midwife wasn't entirely sure if he was head down or not. This week, the midwife said she'd be willing to be $50 he was breach.

I have an ultrasound tomorrow to confirm.

Today's midwife said that versions are usually done before 36 weeks but they could take a shot at it trying to turn him if I wanted. Yes, I would want that. C-section and breach delivery were briefly discussed.

Trying not to think too far into it until I know for sure.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Stress vs. Cash

On Friday I had another "spell" at work. This one wasn't nearly as bad as the one I had on Monday but I wasn't about to sit around and wait for it to progress. As soon as I started noticing some problems with my vision I left work and headed to the doctor, this time my family doctor as opposed to a walk-in.

He pretty much ruled out a TMA (mini-stroke) which made me feel a WHOLE lot better about things. He suspected that I'm probably getting migraines with aura - which is what I suspected also. To be safe though, he is referring me to an optamologist and then to someone to check my arteries.

Honestly though, these "spells" have coincided with some fairly heavy duty stress at work and I can't help but feel that I'm having stress-induced migraines. That place is killing me right now. The girl that was hired (far too late) is just NOT working out. And the pressure is on me to make sure that every aspect of my job is going to be taken care of once I'm gone. I don't feel like that's even possible. I've expressed my feelings to my boss(es) and advised them that they are likely going to have to bring in the girl from half a country away who used to to my job. Unfortunately egos are in the way and nobody wants to admit that they fucked up. Nobody wants to ask for extra help.

So the pressure remains on me.

As hard as I'm trying to just not care and to just say fuckit! and walk away - it is stressing me out. I care about my job and about the work that I do. I've worked SO HARD to get it running smoothly and for me to be at the level of knowledge that I'm at. Being a professional is important to me. I know I'm going to have to let it all go. But I'm expected to pull off 6 more working days before I'm free to call it quits - with the grand finale being month-end which is the peak of stressfulness.

I have given my bosses the letter from my midwives stating that I'm to stop working immediately. However... they have dangled this carrot: if I continue to work at least a couple of hours a day and make myself available for training and assistance via telephone and email - they will continue to pay my full wage.

Considering the financial "situation" that I'm in due to $20,000 of IVF, a year of mat leave wages (60% of my regular wage), another year of mat leave wages on the very near horizon AND the costs of TWO kids in diapers coming up... I need the cake.

So although I feel that it might be in my body and mind's best interest to walk away from work and start my mat leave immediately - my bank account says otherwise. If I can just get through 6 more modified working days, I can walk away feeling like I've done everything I can do for both work and my wallet.

I'm gonna try.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

36 weeks

Had my 36 week midwife appt yesterday. She was quite concerned about my "spell" and of course if it happens again I am to head directly to emergency. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. The fact that I couldn't form a coherent sentence is what has everyone quite concerned.

In the meantime, she checked my cervix and it is shortened, soft (she could have put her finger through it if she wanted to... not sure why she'd want to), and facing forward. I remember being 39 weeks with my last pregnancy and it being long and hard and closed (I believe I used the term "rusty steel trap"). She said that if went into labour tonight, she would not be surprised. She also said that if I was already in labour, she would be telling me, "Not long now!".

This could mean something and it could mean nothing. I know.

In the meantime she wants me to be finished work. She is writing a letter to my boss to advise that I should be done. I have made a deal that I would come in and work a couple of hours each day and then take my laptop home and be available to help from there. That's where we stand now - my boss said that in a couple of weeks we'd reassess... uh... yeah in a couple of weeks I'm long gone. I'm not going to be available after June 1st.

Right now I'm frazzled with the stress of training my replacement, working full time, keeping up a house, meals, laundry, etc - Ruby was sick last week, Steve and I fought this weekend, and yesterday the daycare lady drove over my stroller with her van (she doesn't want to replace it, thinks her husband can "fix" it). I'm maxed in the stress department. Not to mention I'm extremely uncomfortable, I feel like I'm peeing every time I walk, and standing up makes me feel like I need to take a poop. What I really want is some time to rest and catch up and feel good before I go into labour. I'm not due til June 16th but if the boy comes early I'm fucked at this point. I'd rather be bored and have too much rest than to be running out the door to the hospital carrying my laundry basket so I can fold clothes on the way there...

Anyways, I expect that the shortened hours will help. I hope they will.

My home "photographer" sucks. I am not overly crazy about the following photo but I've been so slack at taking milestone pictures of my belly this time that I thought I better just suck it up and post this or I'd end up with nothing. Here's the 36 week belly shot.

(Fuck, do I look rough):

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Health concerns

When you don’t keep up your blogging and don’t update on the things that are going on on a regular basis, when you do want to write an update there seems to be a lot of back story to explain to get to where you are.

I’m too tired to fill in much of the back story so here’s the Readers Digest condensed version:
I’m due in 4 weeks. HR didn't bother hiring someone for me to train until just two weeks ago. Even if she was as smart as a whip and was honest on her resume about her skill level and was actually capable of doing the job, I still wouldn’t be able to cover everything. However, she is VERY difficult to train, doesn’t seem to be catching on, doesn’t take notes, doesn’t ask questions, does things wrong then gets pissy when she’s told she needs to correct something. She is frustrating me beyond belief. I am worried about my job and what is going to become of it when I leave…

…which may be sooner than later.

Yesterday was a crucial day in the payroll cycle (I do payroll, did I mention that?). She was fucking around, being difficult and stupid. I was stressed. And tired. And I had a headache.

And I had this weird little spot on my eye, a tiny dark spot in my vision. I ignored it. Carried on. Then there came to be a larger spot in my vision. It was a dark spot surrounded by sparkles. Then it started growing. And it got to the point where I lost vision in my right eye. I was hot and sweating. Actually I was soaked. I tried to talk to my boss to explain it to her and I suddenly couldn’t speak. I was confused and was trying to sound normal but weird words were coming out that made no sense. I sounded drunk.

So I called my midwife and she demanded that I be seen by a doctor ASAP to have my blood pressure and everything else checked.

That meant I had to leave work hanging with only the non-capable rookie to close out the payroll. Stress.

The doctor checked me over and said my blood pressure was fine, my eyes were fine, my heart was fine, my throat sounded fine (?). So I suggested that it was probably just a migraine? He said it was possible but that it could also have been a TIA. A mini-stroke.

He said I COULD go to emerg and have a CT scan to make sure. I said I didn’t want to go sit in a disgusting ER room for hours unless he thought it was absolutely necessary. He said that if it happens again that I MUST go. I agreed.

My midwife asked why the hell I am still working. She said that I should/could be off right now, resting. It’s a whole other ball game with a toddler to care for while you’re pregnant, let me tell you. I’m super stressed at work and home (Ruby was sick last week). I’m super tired. I am not feeling good. But if I leave work now, this place is fucked. And why do I care? Not sure exactly. Because I do like my boss and I feel bad for her. And also, I’ve worked 7 years to get this job to the place where it’s at now and I see it all going for a big old shit in 60 seconds flat after I walk out the door.

Still? What’s more important? Obviously the health of my baby and myself. It’s just hard to walk away. Oh maybe I have some control issues too. That might be a small percentage of my problem. Oh and also maybe some martyrdom that I inherited from my Mom. Yeah there’s definitely a bit of that.

Anyways, I have a midwife appt this afternoon and I vow to do what she says. If she says no more work, then I will agree to no more work. Should I disobey her orders I may find myself in the middle of a divorce anyways. Steve’s not cool with what’s been going on. There may be a chance that I come in a couple hours a week to help/assist/cry over my mess of a job. Or else I will be assisting over the phone or via email. In any case, I know my hours are about to be cut way back.

I still have 3 weeks vacation time owing to me for this year so if I have to stop working I will technically be on vacation for 3 weeks before starting mat leave. Since I’m due in 4 weeks, that would work out ok. I thought I could get away with working longer but maybe not.

I will post again with a post-midwife 36 week appt.

Monday, May 10, 2010


In the past few months I’ve been super organized and on top of everything I possibly can. I’m all about getting things done and not procrastinating. Yes, I could leave those dishes in the sink and the smashed goldfish crackers on the floor because I’m really tired and need to rest but the rest doesn’t feel as good when I can see that pile of orange crumbs out of the corner of my eye.

I’ve been keeping Ruby’s room clean and tidy and I’ve set up her toddler bed so that when she’s ready, it’s there and it’s not a big shock to her. I make Ruby’s lunch every evening and make sure her daycare bag is replenished daily with diapers, wipes and a change of clothes. The toys get put away neatly every night after she’s gone to bed.

I’m on top of laundry. The car is cleaned and vacuumed. The kitchen table, counters and coffee table (and anything else with a smudge on it) are wiped clean every night. I vacuum/sweep the floor on a regular basis. Even the yard is clean and tidy and the grass is mowed (no, I do not do the mowing).

So WHY then can I not get my shit together and get ready for this baby??? I’ve done some things in preparation but have I done enough? For the life of me I can’t remember everything I need to do to be ready. I still have 5 weeks before my due date, yes – but I am just so laid back and in no hurry to get organized like I was with Ruby. I know that’s probably normal with your second baby – but I feel like such a procrastinator!

I HATE procrastination.

I would feel so much better if I could get his room all ready, his clothes (what few of them I have) all washed and put away, the art hung on the walls, the furniture organized.

I just can’t seem to get it together yet.

I’m hoping that when get back on maternity leave I will get things done then. It’s looking like I will be off two weeks before my due date. That should give me plenty of time to get everything done, right?? And I will get this big urge to nest right about then and I will have all this extra energy, right?? And he won’t come before I’m ready for him, right??? And if he does, I can make due, right??

I need to write down the basics of what needs to be done/purchased and tackle it. I just wish I could remember what the basics are right now.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

Good day

I had a nice birthday.

I woke up in the morning to two cards on the table - one address to "Mama" and one to "My Best Friend". Inside each one was a new charm to go on my Pandora bracelet. So he came through after all. Of course I got all teary and went and hugged and kissed Ruby and thanked her for her thoughtfulness, and she of course had no idea what the hell was going on and looked at me like I had lost my mind. I then phoned Steve and work and thanked him.

When I got to work there was a box of Timbits sitting by the coffee machine. No, they were not there for the purpose of my birthday, but it was a score to have a couple of them with my morning coffee.

My good friend M left a bouquet of flowers and a box of East Indian sweets at my doorstep (despite threats of egging my house).

My grandma phoned.

My mom came and picked Ruby up after work and took her overnight.

Steve and I went out for dinner - just the two of us. It was nice. He made me laugh a few times which hasn't happened for a while. After dinner we thought we'd try out the casino for something fun/different to do. We wandered around that place for a good half an hour, totally unsure of what the hell to do. Ended up sitting down at a slot machine and losing $20 in a matter of 20 seconds - maybe faster. And then we were freaked out and tried to leave but got lost and couldn't find the doors. Total dorks.

Home early, in bed by 9. But it was nice.

I kept making a big show of appreciation to Steve for making my birthday nice. I like to make a big fuss when he does good. And what do you know, he's already thinking about Mother's Day.

And now today? Steve is at work and Ruby is at Grandmas house.


For some reason I hadn't even thought about this and I'm not really sure what to do with myself. Oh I have a million things I could do, it's just that my time is up at 3pm PST today and I need to carefully choose how to spend my time as to allow for maximum enjoyment.

So if you'll excuse me now, I have a newspaper to read, and scrambled eggs to make/eat without someone hanging off my pant leg or someone else stealing the sports section.

Good day to you all.