On Friday I had another "spell" at work. This one wasn't nearly as bad as the one I had on Monday but I wasn't about to sit around and wait for it to progress. As soon as I started noticing some problems with my vision I left work and headed to the doctor, this time my family doctor as opposed to a walk-in.
He pretty much ruled out a TMA (mini-stroke) which made me feel a WHOLE lot better about things. He suspected that I'm probably getting migraines with aura - which is what I suspected also. To be safe though, he is referring me to an optamologist and then to someone to check my arteries.
Honestly though, these "spells" have coincided with some fairly heavy duty stress at work and I can't help but feel that I'm having stress-induced migraines. That place is killing me right now. The girl that was hired (far too late) is just NOT working out. And the pressure is on me to make sure that every aspect of my job is going to be taken care of once I'm gone. I don't feel like that's even possible. I've expressed my feelings to my boss(es) and advised them that they are likely going to have to bring in the girl from half a country away who used to to my job. Unfortunately egos are in the way and nobody wants to admit that they fucked up. Nobody wants to ask for extra help.
So the pressure remains on me.
As hard as I'm trying to just not care and to just say fuckit! and walk away - it is stressing me out. I care about my job and about the work that I do. I've worked SO HARD to get it running smoothly and for me to be at the level of knowledge that I'm at. Being a professional is important to me. I know I'm going to have to let it all go. But I'm expected to pull off 6 more working days before I'm free to call it quits - with the grand finale being month-end which is the peak of stressfulness.
I have given my bosses the letter from my midwives stating that I'm to stop working immediately. However... they have dangled this carrot: if I continue to work at least a couple of hours a day and make myself available for training and assistance via telephone and email - they will continue to pay my full wage.
Considering the financial "situation" that I'm in due to $20,000 of IVF, a year of mat leave wages (60% of my regular wage), another year of mat leave wages on the very near horizon AND the costs of TWO kids in diapers coming up... I need the cake.
So although I feel that it might be in my body and mind's best interest to walk away from work and start my mat leave immediately - my bank account says otherwise. If I can just get through 6 more modified working days, I can walk away feeling like I've done everything I can do for both work and my wallet.
I'm gonna try.