When you don’t keep up your blogging and don’t update on the things that are going on on a regular basis, when you do want to write an update there seems to be a lot of back story to explain to get to where you are.
I’m too tired to fill in much of the back story so here’s the Readers Digest condensed version:
I’m due in 4 weeks. HR didn't bother hiring someone for me to train until just two weeks ago. Even if she was as smart as a whip and was honest on her resume about her skill level and was actually capable of doing the job, I still wouldn’t be able to cover everything. However, she is VERY difficult to train, doesn’t seem to be catching on, doesn’t take notes, doesn’t ask questions, does things wrong then gets pissy when she’s told she needs to correct something. She is frustrating me beyond belief. I am worried about my job and what is going to become of it when I leave…
…which may be sooner than later.
Yesterday was a crucial day in the payroll cycle (I do payroll, did I mention that?). She was fucking around, being difficult and stupid. I was stressed. And tired. And I had a headache.
And I had this weird little spot on my eye, a tiny dark spot in my vision. I ignored it. Carried on. Then there came to be a larger spot in my vision. It was a dark spot surrounded by sparkles. Then it started growing. And it got to the point where I lost vision in my right eye. I was hot and sweating. Actually I was soaked. I tried to talk to my boss to explain it to her and I suddenly couldn’t speak. I was confused and was trying to sound normal but weird words were coming out that made no sense. I sounded drunk.
So I called my midwife and she demanded that I be seen by a doctor ASAP to have my blood pressure and everything else checked.
That meant I had to leave work hanging with only the non-capable rookie to close out the payroll. Stress.
The doctor checked me over and said my blood pressure was fine, my eyes were fine, my heart was fine, my throat sounded fine (?). So I suggested that it was probably just a migraine? He said it was possible but that it could also have been a TIA. A mini-stroke.
He said I COULD go to emerg and have a CT scan to make sure. I said I didn’t want to go sit in a disgusting ER room for hours unless he thought it was absolutely necessary. He said that if it happens again that I MUST go. I agreed.
My midwife asked why the hell I am still working. She said that I should/could be off right now, resting. It’s a whole other ball game with a toddler to care for while you’re pregnant, let me tell you. I’m super stressed at work and home (Ruby was sick last week). I’m super tired. I am not feeling good. But if I leave work now, this place is fucked. And why do I care? Not sure exactly. Because I do like my boss and I feel bad for her. And also, I’ve worked 7 years to get this job to the place where it’s at now and I see it all going for a big old shit in 60 seconds flat after I walk out the door.
Still? What’s more important? Obviously the health of my baby and myself. It’s just hard to walk away. Oh maybe I have some control issues too. That might be a small percentage of my problem. Oh and also maybe some martyrdom that I inherited from my Mom. Yeah there’s definitely a bit of that.
Anyways, I have a midwife appt this afternoon and I vow to do what she says. If she says no more work, then I will agree to no more work. Should I disobey her orders I may find myself in the middle of a divorce anyways. Steve’s not cool with what’s been going on. There may be a chance that I come in a couple hours a week to help/assist/cry over my mess of a job. Or else I will be assisting over the phone or via email. In any case, I know my hours are about to be cut way back.
I still have 3 weeks vacation time owing to me for this year so if I have to stop working I will technically be on vacation for 3 weeks before starting mat leave. Since I’m due in 4 weeks, that would work out ok. I thought I could get away with working longer but maybe not.
I will post again with a post-midwife 36 week appt.