Thursday, May 26, 2011

The Final Chapter

My year long maternity leave is close to ending. I return to work in less than a month.  I have spent more time on maternity leave over the past 2 1/2 years than I have spent at work. Admittedly I am a little bit (or a lot, depending on the day) stressed and overwhelmed with the ginormous change that is about to take place in my life, in my family's lives. Obvious things like getting kids ready to be somewhere every morning at 7am.  Not being home during the day. Not having the "freedom" that I have now.  My kids adjusting to not being with me all day.  ME adjusting to not being with my kids.  Organizing the cooking and cleaning and maintenance in my home that I do now during the day. 

But there's also other stuff. 

Like, the realization that I'm now entering the real world and the rest of my life. No more babies.  No more maternity leave. This chapter of my life is coming to a close and will never happen again. I hope I've made the best of it.  I hope I can look back on it with fond memories and be proud of myself and how I spent these first years with my babies.

It's also made me think a lot about this blog.  I find myself writing here less and less.  Often I struggle with what to write in this space and how often.  Lately, more often than not I've used it as a place to bitch about my inlaws or my husband - boo!  I have found this blog to be a wonderful place to get support and help and suggestions from some of the smartest women in the world (you guys!). I would be sad to let it go. But... I think that's where I'm headed.  Mixed feelings about that.  I have been a part of the IF community for many, many years.  I think I've been holding on to this blog to continue to hold on to that part of me but maybe it's time to release it all. 

I will not be totally gone, however. I do have another blog that I have been writing for years and years (long before the IF years). And I will continue to write there.  I have always been open on that blog about my IF, however I have left out some of the nitty gritty details and many of the deeply personal struggles.  Obviously I've also omitted the private matters with my ILs and battles with my husband (only because they read it). Lately I have found myself to be more and more open and honest and "naked" when writing on that blog, regardless of the fact that so many people I know IRL (including family) read it and that can be a bit scary sometimes.

I invite you all to join me at  Tarable and to comment your little hearts out, no holds barred.

I also plan on still keeping tabs on all of you.  I will continue to read and comment, however I will be ever so cleverly disguised as "Tarable" instead of Tara.

Feels strange to be moving on.  It's good though.  Change is good.  Moving forward is good.

Moving forward.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Long Weekend

Steve's soccer team is playing in an annual tournament in a town about a 6-7 hour drive from our home (Vernon) on the May long weekend.

Originally I planned to go too, with the kids. Then I changed my mind, thinking it would be too much work.

Then this week I realized that next Thursday morning, Steve will leave and be gone for 5 days.

That's 5 days as a single mom with a 2.5 year old and an 11 month old...

Naturally I went into panic mode and required sedation.

So it turns out that it's NOT too late for the kids and I to join in on this little trip. Heh... *phew*

Except that while I blocked out all Steve's planning and trip details over the past couple of months, he made arrangements to leave on Thursday morning to go golfing in a neighboring city with a teammate.  Which just means that I would have to drive to Vernon, alone with the kids on Friday.  Which... I'm going to do.  But I'm a little bit nervous. But kind of excited about the trip too. The hotel has a pool and free breakfast and we have a kitchenette and there are restaurants and a mall nearby.  With a little luck the weather will be decent and we have have some fun.

My concerns are these -
~ the drive, alone with two little, bitty kids.
~ Lincoln's sleeping (I don't want to mess it up)
~ being stuck in the hotel room every night from 7pm on because kids need to go to bed.
~ sticking to my diet
~ getting obsessed with planning for the next week.

Anyone who has any tips, suggestions, tricks, assvice for me? I'm all ears.

Monday, May 9, 2011

Child Care

I believe I may be on the path to eradicate one of my big wake-me-in-the-night worries.  Child care for my return to work which is next month.

Quite a few months ago Steve told me of a co-worker who was hiring a nanny from overseas. This co-worker was interested in doing a "nanny share" with us.  The plan was that my kids would go to their house every day and their nanny would look after my kids while her kids were at school all day.  It would have cost us half of what sending them to a daycare would cost. 

I agreed. Reluctantly.

See, I never felt good about it. A few things bugged me.  Their house was in the opposite direction of my house and my work.  My kids would not have any other kids to interact with all day.  The nanny was yet to arrive in the country and nobody knew what her communication skills would be like.  Nobody in this country had ever met her before so who knows what she is like. Nobody to ask for references.

Then things started getting irritating.  There was a nanny coming from Amsterdam. Then Vietnam. Then finally the nanny was flying in from Hong Kong.  She was going to arrive in March. But then not. Then she was getting here in April. Then April was over and she wasn't here.  Then it was May.  Then we were supposed to get together with the other couple to finalize everything but that fell through. Nanny was to arrive May 9th (today) but last week that was pushed back yet again. 

None of this was helping to make me feel any more comfortable with the situation.

Finally, when the story changed again last week, STEVE (of all people) put an end to it.  He told his co-worker that we are out of the deal.  She wasn't happy (now she has to pay the full price for the nanny) but I was thrilled - although a little panicky about finding a daycare for a baby and toddler in such short notice. But not to worry, Steve was told by another co-worker of a woman who has two openings for June 1st.  STEVE phoned her and arranged for us to go visit the daycare.  STEVE did all this! 


We went today.  When we first got to the daycare Ruby walked right in and sat down and started playing with toys like she'd been there a million times.  The woman took Lincoln out of Steve's arms and my Mama's Boy didn't burst into tears!! There were a couple other kids there and they looked content. We looked around and I asked my questions.  She had all the right answers.  She was very accommodating.

The going rate for my kids would normally be about $1400 per month, but she will charge us only $1100. She will also provide all food and snacks. 


When we went to leave, Ruby cried. She wanted to stay. The woman gave her and Lincoln both a cookie and helped them to the door. 

It all seems good. 

There's just a few small things that bug me and I'm probably being petty.... First, the place is a bit run down.  It's an older basement and while it wasn't dirty, it was just in a bit of rough shape.  Then again, as I look down at my once clean and plush area rug in my living room I realize, kids wreck shit. As long as they are being cared for in a proper manner and the place is clean and safe, I really shouldn't worry about it not being a fancy, pretty place. Actually one of the mistakes I made with Ruby when she first went to daycare was that I allowed a fancy, pretty place to overshadow my gut feelings and Ruby's reactions to the daycare.

The other thing that bugs me is that maybe the woman was too nice? I mean, she was super accommodating and helpful and I thought, "Is she really like this or is she just trying to get our business?" Sad that I can't trust people and take them at face value.  Am I too cynical and untrusting?  Steve loved her and thought the place was just fine.

I do think that this will be the daycare we go with.  I think I'd probably be able to find some fault with any and every single place I looked into to.  It seems like this is the right place.  The way it came about, the price, how my kids acted when they were there - I think, I *hope* it is the right place for us.

I want to start sending them there part time in the beginning of June to break them in so that when I go back to work full time near the end of June, it is not such a traumatic event for all of us.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Me, lately

I am so tired of unloading my dishwasher. I hate it so much. I feel like my head is always inside that motherfucker. Along with sweeping, vacuuming, wiping counters and picking up toys. These are the things that fill my days and I am growing very tired of it.

Ruby will NOT poop on the potty.  No matter what I do. No matter what I try. She asks for a diaper every time she has to go.

I hate my new haircut.

When I did my taxes I was getting $575 back. I already owed $300 from a mistake made last year. I have been waiting for the difference for 3 weeks now.  I need money so bad.  I just discovered that my taxes were "reassessed" and I now owe a total of $635. 

Every penny I get goes to bills and food.  When Steve adds extra cheese to his veggies I want to scream. And when Ruby says she wants applesauce and then when I open it she won't eat it because she says it's "dirty" I want to cry.

I bought Nabob coffee because it was on sale and I hate the taste of it. I haven't had a cup of coffee in the morning for over a week.

I bought my mom some nice birthday presents and called her on her birthday but she didn't have a nice day anyways, I guess because my dad is sick and he didn't do anything nice for her.  I feel responsible, like I should have done more because I knew he'd fuck it up. 

My bathroom is filthy.

I bought cheap shampoo and now my head is itchy and my hair is dry and frazzled.

My bank account is wayyyyyy too far into the red. It makes me feel sick.  I can't even afford to buy myself a cup of coffee.

I feel like I'm failing at everything right now. Every single thing.

I'm depressed and I just want to be alone, but my kids hang off me and won't leave me alone for a second to release my tears in peace.

Friday, April 29, 2011


I felt sorry for myself yesterday so the Universe plotted and gave me a reason to feel sorry for someone else.

Last night (or this morning actually) some motherfucker tried to break in to my 72 year old, recently widowed MIL's house by kicking in the front door at 1am. 

She said it sounded like someone drove a car into her house.  She got up and turned all the lights on - which likely scared the motherfucker away.  When she saw that her front door had been smashed off it's hinges and paint chips had been scattered right across her entryway, she called 911. 

It took the police 9 minutes to get there.

She has a bad heart and so on top of being petrified of someone assaulting her, she was scared she might have a heart attack.

The police found a giant shoe print on the front door and some matching footprints in the back yard.

There was apparently a rash of break-ins last night in her area. 

WHY her house?  Why?  That's so not fair. 

I feel just awful for her.  I can't imagine the level of fear she must have felt.  And how insecure she will feel in her own home now.

Steve is going out there tonight to secure her windows and replace her door (which is shattered). She has a house alarm which she doesn't know how to use, but he is going to teach her and insist she start using it.

He may stay the night with her if she needs him.

I don't know what will come of this now.  It's a pretty big setback on the road to healing if you ask me. 

Thursday, April 28, 2011


Been feeling a bit tired and blue lately and can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is.  I guess it's probably a combo of a few different things.

My birthday is this Saturday.  My Mom's birthday is on Monday.  My Dad's 60th birthday is the following Saturday. And then Mother's Day is that Sunday.  Busy time.  And expensive.  And I'm broke. And not a lot of time to shop. 

Want to hear my selfishness?  I just want to enjoy my birthday and not have to worry about planning and shopping for everyone else.  I feel terrible for feeling that way.  It's just that I haven't had a decent birthday in quite a few years.  Last year I was hugely and most uncomfortably pregnant. The year before that I had a 4 month old baby. The previous year I was disgustingly nauseous and pregnant. And the year before that I was in a severe depression after my first failed IVF.  Not to mention this past year has been a really rough one. I just want to be a princess this year but there are other people to think about and consider.  I'm tired and overworked and worn out and I just want to be selfish and only think about myself. 

Otherwise I'm getting tired of being stuck in my house every day. I usually don't have a vehicle and my getting out depends on the weather - which has really sucked for a really long time.  Lots of rain and cold air.  Hard to take the kids out in the stroller in those conditions.

Happy note - I've lost 20lbs on Weight Watchers.  Still lots to go though and sometimes I just want to eat and not worry about trying to be healthy.  Also, since dropping some weight my clothes don't fit. I have nothing but oversized sweat pants to wear which is normally ok since I don't get out much.  But on the odd occasion that I do go out, I have nothing to wear and feel frumpy and not overly attractive.  No extra cash in my pocket to get new clothes, and scared to buy anything because I plan on losing more weight.  What to do. I just want to feel good about myself. 

Worried about Lincoln.  He's really into making strange with people who aren't me or Steve.  It is difficult and annoying and frustrating and also quite embarrassing. He screams bloody murder if I leave the room and he is with someone else. He will not calm down and his freakout escalates until I return.  I don't know how to fix this and I am worried about what hell we are going to go through when I go back to work in June.  This one keeps me up at night.  Suggestions?

I suppose these are the trials and tribulations of being a mom of a 10month old and a 28 month old.  Nobody said it would be easy, I know that.  Just in a bit of a slump and trying to work it out so we can all be happy. 

PS: On a really positive note, Steve and I are doing much better. He has changed so much in the past few weeks and I'm so thankful and happy for it. 

Tuesday, April 5, 2011


There has been a marked and drastic improvement in Steve's mood since the The Great Blowup of 2011 - although in this house we are never to speak of that night ever again.  Any reference on my part to our big fight is met with a blank stare.  He's remarkable that way.  He is so good at denial that I swear he has the ability to almost entirely wipe the incident from his own mind.  Gone. Sometimes I wish I could do that - instead of reliving it and rethinking it and second guessing and regretting.

He played in a soccer tournament all weekend this past weekend and stayed at his Mom's house.  He went to a soccer party Saturday night.  I was a single mom all weekend and by Sunday afternoon I was D.O.N.E. Tired and emotional and depressed that my weekend was gone and I didn't get any sort of break to reset myself.  As hard as it was, I didn't take it out on him. I mean, he plays on a soccer team and there are commitments that go with that and the tournament was planned well in advance.  But when it was all said and done on Sunday evening, I was in tears and told him that that was two weekends in a row that I suffered and didn't get to enjoy myself much.  He said (in all earnest), "Why? What happened last weekend??"

Yesterday my dad came for a visit during the day. I was cleaning the house and while vacuuming I lifted up the area rug to clean under it and I said, "OH LOOK! Here's all Steve's problems!"

Steve came home for lunch and we all had lunch together.  After Steve went back to work, my dad commented that he noticed a HUGE difference in Steve. 

So it's real then. I'm not just imagining it because I want it so badly.

I'm doing my part to make things better too.  I am actually listening to him tell me how his day was, or about what he read on some sports page, or about how his mom is doing.  How can I complain that he never talks to me if I shut off just because he's not talking about what *I* want? 

I'm working hard at not playing the part of the bitter, resentful twat.  It hard because I'm really good at it, and I've always believed in investing in the natural talents that we're gifted with. 

It feels good to be connecting again.  It's so important to me.  I'm scared that it's temporary.  That it will fade, or that the next big catastrophe will hit soon and we'll be struggling through our next battle.  For now though, I'm just so fucking happy to have a little peace and love that I'm soaking in every bit of it and doing everything in my power to hold on to it.