Thursday, April 28, 2011


Been feeling a bit tired and blue lately and can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is.  I guess it's probably a combo of a few different things.

My birthday is this Saturday.  My Mom's birthday is on Monday.  My Dad's 60th birthday is the following Saturday. And then Mother's Day is that Sunday.  Busy time.  And expensive.  And I'm broke. And not a lot of time to shop. 

Want to hear my selfishness?  I just want to enjoy my birthday and not have to worry about planning and shopping for everyone else.  I feel terrible for feeling that way.  It's just that I haven't had a decent birthday in quite a few years.  Last year I was hugely and most uncomfortably pregnant. The year before that I had a 4 month old baby. The previous year I was disgustingly nauseous and pregnant. And the year before that I was in a severe depression after my first failed IVF.  Not to mention this past year has been a really rough one. I just want to be a princess this year but there are other people to think about and consider.  I'm tired and overworked and worn out and I just want to be selfish and only think about myself. 

Otherwise I'm getting tired of being stuck in my house every day. I usually don't have a vehicle and my getting out depends on the weather - which has really sucked for a really long time.  Lots of rain and cold air.  Hard to take the kids out in the stroller in those conditions.

Happy note - I've lost 20lbs on Weight Watchers.  Still lots to go though and sometimes I just want to eat and not worry about trying to be healthy.  Also, since dropping some weight my clothes don't fit. I have nothing but oversized sweat pants to wear which is normally ok since I don't get out much.  But on the odd occasion that I do go out, I have nothing to wear and feel frumpy and not overly attractive.  No extra cash in my pocket to get new clothes, and scared to buy anything because I plan on losing more weight.  What to do. I just want to feel good about myself. 

Worried about Lincoln.  He's really into making strange with people who aren't me or Steve.  It is difficult and annoying and frustrating and also quite embarrassing. He screams bloody murder if I leave the room and he is with someone else. He will not calm down and his freakout escalates until I return.  I don't know how to fix this and I am worried about what hell we are going to go through when I go back to work in June.  This one keeps me up at night.  Suggestions?

I suppose these are the trials and tribulations of being a mom of a 10month old and a 28 month old.  Nobody said it would be easy, I know that.  Just in a bit of a slump and trying to work it out so we can all be happy. 

PS: On a really positive note, Steve and I are doing much better. He has changed so much in the past few weeks and I'm so thankful and happy for it. 

1 comment:

JJ said...

Happy early birthday! Will be thinking of you, and Im so glad to hear things are going well with you and Steve! <3