I thought I had it alllll figured out. I thought I had it allll together. I thought I was going to get through this first year unscathed. I was wrong.
Considering my lengthy history with depression and anxiety, I was at a super high risk for PPD. But it didn't happen. I felt so happy and full and complete and the PPD never seemed to catch up with me - until it did.
Well, there were all those terrible visions that I kept having about Ruby. I would think we were going to get hit by a car while walking or into a horrible car accident or mauled by a dog or fall down the stairs or, or, or... There were many of those vivid, VIVID visions and they happened every time I left the house. but I felt fairly safe inside my house. It was my safe place, my sanctuary. Where I was the Queen of the Castle. I kept the place clean and orderly, I kept the meals on the table, I kept the laundry piles to a minimum. I got out regularly and the visions, the terrible, vivid visions started to fade a bit.
Then we rented out our basement suite to complete strangers.
And it pretty much pushed me over the edge. (An edge I didn't even realize I was standing next to)
For the past two weeks I have been paralyzed with anxiety. Anxiety worse than I can ever remember having in the past. So bad that my whole body goes cold. I shiver and shake. I hyperventilate. My eyes get super heavy and tired. My body aches at night from being so tense during the day.
There are STRANGERS living in my house! And they keep different hours than me! And I can smell their food! And they make noises that I don't recognize... in MY HOUSE!!! They also happen to tell lies (stupid lies that there is no apparent reason for) which just sent me straight into Fuckedupville via the Crazy Train.
Part of it is definitely their fault. They're idiots. But for now they're paying rent and they mostly adhere to the rules we make. So a big part of it is me.
I realized yesterday that I needed some professional help and today I finally broke down and went to see my counselor. She's amazing.
After listening to what's been going on, she said that she feels I'm dealing with a version of PPD. Those horrible, graphic visions are a type of PPD. And having the new people in my basement totally set me off. Yes, I should have some concern about them but not to the degree that I am experiencing. Oh and the visions that were fading? Are returning. I went to check on Ruby this morning and I was so sure that somebody had somehow stolen her in the middle of the night that when I looked in her crib I didn't see her, and I knew she was gone forever. My heart jumped. I gasped! Until she moved and I saw her and realized I was fucked up in the head.
So my counselor feels strongly that I might need some meds to help me level out the anxiety. She doesn't think I'm depressed, but she really thinks that I need some anti-depressants or something of the like. And she's not one to readily suggest medication. But she was readily suggesting it.
She said that being a mom is hard work - if you're doing it right. She said I'm a bit worn out and I need to stop "white knuckling" it. I need a break. I need to relax. And I need some help. She advised that I make a doctors appointment ASAP.
I really never wanted to do the anti-depressant thing again. But I know she's right. I am surprised I didn't put it together before. I mean, I am a bit of a veteran with the whole depression/anxiety thing. Although I guess I've only ever used AD's to help me with depression, the anxiety was just a bonus on the side. This time it's almost all anxiety. Super bad anxiety.
So I feel a little better now that a professional has "assessed" me and made some suggestions. Meds and some reworking my thoughts and some relaxation techniques and some extra security for my portion of the house. I'm giving all of it some very serious thought.
Speaking of thoughts... I thought I was going to get off scott free in the PPD department. The first year is almost over, after all. How does this happen at 10 months???