At 5 days overdue I'm struggling to stay positive.
Yes, I know this won't and can't last forever, but every day it goes on it gets harder and harder.
One of my biggest struggles is with Ruby. I find it difficult to care for her while I'm this pregnant. My body is hurting all the time and my energy level isn't very high. I feel terrible that I'm not the mommy I want to be to her right now. I know she senses it too. She deserves better, my little angel. My best is not good enough right now.
Also - I'm struggling with the fact that I don't have local childcare for her. My daycare closed at the end of May and I don't know how to find someone else to take care of her for just once in a while. Most daycares don't take kids for just a day, or a few hours here and there. And I don't know enough people locally or have the resources to find a babysitter. I couldn't just leave her with some stranger.
The only person I have for looking after her is my mom and she lives 45 minutes away and works full time. She LOVES looking after Ruby but doesn't like taking time off work because the woman who covers for her is a psychopath. That and she actually doesn't like taking time off for anything. (No question where I inherited my work ethics from)
Today I have another NST and an AFI (amniotic fluid indicator) and I have to bring Ruby with me because my mom took a day off last week while I had these same tests done. Luckily Steve is off today so he's coming with us and is going to look after her while I have my tests but the situation isn't ideal. Who wants to be toting a toddler around a hospital?
I have a midwife appt on Wednesday and I will have to bring Ruby with me to that too.
And then sometime this week I will possibly (likely) have an obstetric consult to schedule an induction. Who will look after Ruby then? Steve will probably have to work. My mom will be working. I'm stressed about it. What will happen? I know I can't bring her with me to the hospital by myself.
Yesterday I had my ILs and my parents over for BBQ for Fathers Day (thankfully it was short and sweet and everyone was well behaved). My MIL was asking my mom if she was taking holidays soon. My mom explained that Steve would be taking 2 weeks vacation when the baby was born and then she would be taking one week after that but that she was "on call" to come look after Ruby when I go into the hospital to have the baby. Then she said, "But I'm really hoping it's just a quick in and out, one day thing." So that she doesn't have to take more than one day off work.
Well fuck, Mom. I can't control the circumstances of the baby being born - as much as I would like to. And it just adds more stress to know that's how she feels about it.
Adding to the stress - she lives 45mins to an hour away. The hospital is another 45 minutes in the opposite direction. The hospital is in the middle of the city. So none of it is easy or convenient.
Depending on how today goes with the NST and AFI I was thinking that it might be better (for me) if my mom took her holidays this week so that she could help me with Ruby and babysit her when I need to be at my appointments. But I know she wants to spend her time off with the new baby.
And on top of all that did I mention that I'm now FIVE DAYS overdue? Aside from all the childcare issues - I feel extremely uncomfortable, in pain all the time and having a really hard time keeping my chin up. I'm finding it harder and harder to keep myself occupied and to not think about the when and the how and the where and all the rest of it. And I'm just aching for it to be over and to get on with the next part - which I also fear and know will not be easy, but at least I want to get on with it.
Ok, that concludes my whining for the day. Off to do my hair and put on makeup and get dressed and push on with my day.