Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Everybody has their own problems

I’m tired. I’ve never been this fatigued in my entire life. Some days I have no idea how I’m going to make it through to the end of the day and I can’t help but to cry.

My body hurts. I am so envious of normal pregnant people who’s bodies don’t fall apart on them during pregnancy. I suffer from SPD and it has already gotten quite uncomfortable. I’ve also done something to the muscle in my shoulder. I suspect it’s from carrying around a 14 month old girl who CAN walk but doesn’t have full confidence in herself yet so she doesn’t do it unless she does it accidentally. The shoulder is painful mostly when I’m in bed at night. I have woken up yelling out in pain. It feels like Steve is jabbing a dagger into my back (although I’ve never actually seen a weapon, I’m not entirely convinced that he’s not). Also painful at night is rolling over in bed, thanks to the SPD.

I am horrified at my body right now. Yes, I have a baby belly but below the bump is a large deposit of disgusting fat. My stomach is grotesque. My skin is stretched from having Ruby and my fat just hangs off of me. It hangs OVER me. I am extremely self conscious of myself. I see people looking at me and I think they are probably wondering if I’m fat or pregnant. It’s probably hard to tell even though I’m 22 weeks. I have never felt so unattractive in my entire life.

Steve is either disgusted with me or he doesn’t like me anymore or he’s got other things on his mind because he mostly just ignores me. What I wouldn’t do for a little bit of comfort or understanding from him. A shoulder rub? A foot rub? A hug for Christ sake! Anything whatsoever? Nothing. When I tell him something he usually doesn’t even acknowledge me. Seriously – I talk to him and he doesn’t even look at me half the time. Then he gets annoyed if I repeat myself to him. It makes me feel very lonely even when I’m not alone. Who else do I have to lean on if not him? Conversation is minimal unless it’s about Ruby. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a kickass dad. He’s hands on with Ruby and he’s really good with her. Is it pathetic of me then to want more from him? For me? I want him to show me that he loves me and that he appreciates what I’m going through. I wonder if he takes me for granted. I am pretty sure he thinks I’m just a giant bitch because I ask him to do things that he doesn’t feel like doing. Or because sometimes I get frustrated when the house is a disaster zone, or the TV is too loud, or the counter is covered with dirty dishes and the dishwasher is full and I need to make us dinner. I’ll throw a fork in the sink or slam a cupboard or something out of frustration and he sneers and laughs at me and shakes his head like I’m the biggest fucking loser he’s ever met. It’s degrading to me and makes me feel like losing my fucking mind.

I go to the gym every other day in hopes of keeping my weight from skyrocketing and to also to keep my mental health in check. Yes, it helps my mental health but my lord it does a number on my body. When I go in the evening and then come home and shower and go to bed, I usually get up in the night to go pee and many times I have almost collapsed from the pain in my pelvis. That has happened a lot actually. And the shoulder pain is always worse on gym nights too. I wake up crying from pain and Steve rolls over and ignores me.

I weep a lot. I find it so frustrating to have so little energy and being so uncomfortable all the time and to still have to work full time and take care of my girl and to keep a decent house and to exercise regularly. I know I could be a better mom to Ruby if I wasn’t so exhausted and that makes me sad and even more frustrated. I just want to feel good. I want to be happy. Sometimes I’m afraid that I’m getting depressed.

I'm putting it here because I need to get it out. I can’t talk to Steve and I don’t like to burden people with my shit because hey, everybody has their own problems. Who am I to complain about my life? Boo fucking hoo.


Holly, Dwight and Anya said...

I don't know how I found your blog but I did the other day and I saved it. I'm sorry you feel so horrible right now. Pregnancy can be really hard. All I wanted to say is that I had to scroll down and look at your picture two posts down again because the way you view yourself is nothing like the way you really look.. you look gorgeous. Seriously.. and men, well they are just dumb sometimes.

JJ said...

Sending you a HUGE hug, sweetie. And you look FANTASTIC! Men are lame--I just wish I could do more to send ya smiles when you need them. (hugs)

Mommy Shoes said...

It's hard. Try to be kind to yourself.

Alicia said...

Your husband is royally pissing me off. Now is the time when he should be doing as much as he can for you. WTF? Stuff like foot massages and backrubs are par for the course during pregnancy. He needs to get his shit together and start being not only a dad but a husband.

I know the way he's treating you is totally rubbing off on how you're feeling about yourself, and that's why I'm so pissed. Honey, be good to yourself. I know it's hard.

Femme said...

You really are gorgeous and you look beautiful pregnant.

JJ Keith said...

Whoa, whoa, whoa! I see that picture of you down there and lady? You are not big at all! You look fabulous (and your tattoos are badass btw). I wish I could make you see yourself how I see you. You've got a shit ton on your plate right now and you're doing a mighty great job of it all. I wouldn't worry so much about your weight. I'm no expert, but I think you could even skip the gym a bit, especially if it exacerbates your pelvic pain. Be kind to yourself. ((hugs))

Emily said...

G also hates when I repeat myself. Pisses me off. I repeat myself because he doesn't listen, and when I ask him to do something it takes at least 2 weeks before he will do it! (Around the house)

Anyways. Men just don't get it. They really don't. It's not cool that he is making you feel that way though. Hang in there. I know he loves you, he's just a big dopey guy that doesn't know how to score points. (Don't you think they would learn what it takes by now?)

Re: weight. I honestly think you look slimmer than you did last pg, although I realize nothing anyone says will change your mind... it's just how you feel in your own skin. You are very hard on yourself though... you really do have a lot on your plate.

I agree that everyone has their own problems. Sucks that you have to go through this though. Hope you feel better soon.

After baby is born you might have to have a nice stiff drink to distract you from these feelings.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I'm going to try this again. Here is what I tried to post about 20 times the night you posted this...lets hope it works!

Yep, everyone has their own shit and believe me I have my fair share these days. But, it is your shit and you have a right to have someone listen to you and empathize with what you are going through. It will get better-I promise! Feel free to vent.

Just Jen said...

Vent away my friend! Yes, everyone does have their own problems... and everyone has a breaking point.

Boys really don't get it and it totally frustrates the shit out of me sometimes. Helping around the house (not just playing with the baby while the game is on) should be a joint effort, and somehow it's not. Juggling work full time and home is a huge job-- never mind the extras like groceries (or being pregnant!)... Why should we do it all by ourselves?!

A back/foot rub should be something that he does out of kindness, ESPECIALLY knowing that you are in pain. Maybe at the same time, you could relax and it would strike up a conversation outside of the life of baby(s).

Rather than busting your chops at the gym (kudos to you), maybe a family walk could be a nice change and not so hard on your pelvis?

It's easy for me to offer advice, only because I too can relate to a lot of this. Just hold your head up, you are a beautiful and strong woman. You are doing a great job!


Candi said...

i am so sorry tara. please try not to be too hard on yourself. you are doing such a kickass job of being a wife, mother, employee, and EVERYTHING else you have been doing...all while being pregnant with SPD. hang in there! HUGS AND LOVE!!