Thursday, June 18, 2009

And then I hit the wall

Do you ever feel really vulnerable?

I do.

Today I really do.

I've been relatively strong and confident since Ruby was born but once in a while I feel like my feet have been kicked out from under me.

Today started ok enough. Except that I found it hard to wake up, but that's been a lot lately.

Then I had a scare with Ruby. I don't really want to get into details about it here, but I thought something was really wrong with her and I was on my way out the door to the walk-in clinic when I checked her again and it was totally gone. I've checked her about 15 times since and the problem is totally gone like it was never there. But it scared me enough that I panicked and cried for a good hour - even after I realized it was ok.

And then my BIL's girlfriend was kind of mean to me. Well, maybe she wasn't so much "mean" as she was busy with her own life and didn't respond well to an email that I sent to her and my feelings got hurt. Right after the Ruby thing.

And then Ruby and I went for a walk and people were staring at me. People were giving me scowly looks. People were watching me too closely.

Except that they really probably weren't. I know I was (am) in one of those vulnerable-feeling moods and everything was (is) bothering me. I felt like I was walking down the street naked, maybe with a piece of toilet paper hanging from my bum. That's how I felt.

Sometimes when you're at home all day with the baby and you get worried about something or something happens or you don't feel right, it can get really lonely. Everyone in the world is busy doing their own thing and it can feel like you're all alone and nobody cares. Or is that just me?

AF is due anytime and my chest is still prickly with milk - both of which might cause one to be somewhat "emotional". But together? Double whammy.

I knew the whole Superwoman/Martha Stewart/Suzy Homemaker thing couldn't last forever.


Emily said...

As I was reading your post I thought.... hmmmm, PMS, a teeny bit of sadness, the change in routing with no breastfeeding + the scare with Ruby could cause these feelings. I think we all get these types of feelings at one point or another to a lesser degree, but I think for you it's many things compiled that care causing you to be upset.

Sounds like you need rest, TLC, booze maybe. :) I know it's hard to get any of these things though. I wish it was easier for you!

Sarah @ said...

Oh, I'm sending big Internet hugs. It sounds like you really need them.

I am very, very happy to hear that Ruby is okay.

Just Jen said...

Ironically enough,I too just posted about being Superwoman.

Good to hear that Ruby is well, and that you got things figured out.

I have to agree with Emily. The combo of it all may be a bit much for you.

Wish I lived closer. Really I do.

Sending love your way! Mwah!

MissTrustMe said...

I don't know what happened to my earlier comment...but I feel for you! If you are feeling like that and nobody you now is around feel free to call me...I may be new in your life but I am always willing to listen! Hope you are having a better morning and very happy to hear Ruby is ok!

annacyclopedia said...

So glad Ruby is ok. Hope you are taking it easy on yourself - even though I would still like you if you turned into a perfect housewife/superwoman, I like you better as you.

And no doubt the hormonal cocktail of PMS mixed with quitting the pumping has got to be a bitch. Hang in there, sweetie - this too shall pass.

And if people were scowling at you, it was probably because they were jealous of how good looking a mother-daughter pair you and Ruby are.

Aurelia said...

I feel like this, as I tweeted, and yeah, it DOES feel like we have a piece of paper hanging from our bum, doesn't it?

But it gets better. It does. I don't feel it at the moment, but it will pass for you and me too. ((hugs))

Emily said...

I'm so glad Ruby is ok! I think days like this are totally normal - baby or not and like Em said its just a brutal combination - hope you're feeling better now!