Do you ever feel really vulnerable?
Today I really do.
I've been relatively strong and confident since Ruby was born but once in a while I feel like my feet have been kicked out from under me.
Today started ok enough. Except that I found it hard to wake up, but that's been a lot lately.
Then I had a scare with Ruby. I don't really want to get into details about it here, but I thought something was really wrong with her and I was on my way out the door to the walk-in clinic when I checked her again and it was totally gone. I've checked her about 15 times since and the problem is totally gone like it was never there. But it scared me enough that I panicked and cried for a good hour - even after I realized it was ok.
And then my BIL's girlfriend was kind of mean to me. Well, maybe she wasn't so much "mean" as she was busy with her own life and didn't respond well to an email that I sent to her and my feelings got hurt. Right after the Ruby thing.
And then Ruby and I went for a walk and people were staring at me. People were giving me scowly looks. People were watching me too closely.
Except that they really probably weren't. I know I was (am) in one of those vulnerable-feeling moods and everything was (is) bothering me. I felt like I was walking down the street naked, maybe with a piece of toilet paper hanging from my bum. That's how I felt.
Sometimes when you're at home all day with the baby and you get worried about something or something happens or you don't feel right, it can get really lonely. Everyone in the world is busy doing their own thing and it can feel like you're all alone and nobody cares. Or is that just me?
AF is due anytime and my chest is still prickly with milk - both of which might cause one to be somewhat "emotional". But together? Double whammy.
I knew the whole Superwoman/Martha Stewart/Suzy Homemaker thing couldn't last forever.