Sooooo.... deep breath in.... and out....
It seems I may have a penchant for over reacting with Ruby related issues.
What? You hadn't noticed?
Sometimes it seems I get myself so worked up and upset and psychotic to the point that I can't stand myself and then I totally talk myself down and reason and breath and find a way to fix the problem.
I am going to start weaning Ruby from breastmilk to formula. I've spent a good long time thinking about this and weighing the pros and cons. I've agonized over the guilt. I have embraced the guilt and I am now letting it go and I am moving on. We need to find a way to make our lives as simple and happy as possible and that means I need to give up the pump. I have my limits and they are being reached. I realized that I am making things not very nice in my home because I am becoming a nasty, cranky bitch. Yes, more so than I was before. And I can see how my marriage has been a little "luke warm" if not cold at some times lately. I will admit that if I were Steve, I certainly wouldn't enjoy coming home to me everyday. I know that if I can free up some of my time, and stop that "soul sucking" pumping, that I will be a happier and nicer person. And that is the end of that. (I hope).
I went to the store last night and stood in the formula isle for a good 3 hours. Reading labels. Shaking cans. Weighing the (many) options. I will admit I was slightly shocked by the price of formula. I ended up buying a small can of "easy to digest" liquid concentrated formula. I have supplemented 3 of her feeds with it so far and I am pleased to announce that there have been no "Exorcist" re-enactments thus far. The diapers are still a bit ugly but nothing overly out of the ordinary and nothing I can't handle (Steve on the other hand, cannot handle them - he is in poopy diaper training right now).
I ordered this book. I have had a hard time finding any literature on feeding and nourishing kids but this book was recommended on a pamphlet that I received from our local Health Unit after I had Ruby. I don't want her to have a bad relationship with food and for solids we're not off to a very good start. I need some professional guidance. I am also going to speak with a health nurse today at my "mommy group" and hope that they can at least guide me in the right direction. And hopefully there are no breastfeeding lectures because seriously? Fuck off about that already.
Also of note: today I hit my pre-pregnancy weight. I have 4lbs to go until I am at my pre-IVF weight. I plan on continuing on with the weight loss although I know it will be a little harder once I'm not pumping anymore. Or maybe it will be easier because I will have that little bit of extra time and energy.
Geez, I'm starting to wonder if I'm bipolar...