Tuesday, June 9, 2009

I can't keep it up

Dudes. I am struggling.

I cannot keep up right now and my mood is deteriorating, fast.

Ruby's 6 month birthday is Saturday. She's becoming more active and more interactive and more fun and in turn, that demands more Mommy Time. She's also going through the breast milk like a wildebeast. I'm giving her 5oz every 3 hours (if I can stretch it that far) and that doesn't seem to be enough for her. And as discussed previously she has NO interest in solids.

I have been thinking a lot about hanging up the breast pump and switching her over to formula.


I know, I know... I'm the worst mom.

I know that what I should be doing is pumping more often than I already do to produce more milk to keep up with Ruby's appetite. Except that cuts into my time with her. And my time to eat, my time to sleep, my time to pee, my time to breath. Selfish of me to want to eat and sleep and breath and pee, I know.

And I know I should go out and hunt down a lactation consultant and have them teach Ruby and I how to breastfeed properly so that I don't have to pump at all. Because if I've heard it once, I've heard it a million times - she's older now and there's no reason why she can't catch on to breastfeeding at this stage in the game. But do I really want to get into that at this stage in the game? Isn't this the time when moms want to start getting the babe on a bottle or sippy cup? Again, selfish of me to deprive us both of such a "magical" experience...

And as if I haven't had enough torture from the midwives, the health nurses, the breastfeeding advocates - when I topped up Ruby's bottle this morning with some formula - she made a face at me, refused to finish her bottle and then proceeded to projectile vomit off and on for 45 minutes until all the horrible "poison" that I gave her was out of her system - along with any breastmilk and even some bile. What kind of mother does that to her baby???

Hours later I am still doing laundry.

I am not sure where to go from here. Perhaps if I gave up eating all together, it would free up more time for pumping breastmilk and/or breastfeeding.

Oh, excuse me - this post is now going to be cut short. I have a new load of laundry to do. Ruby just shit through her diaper, onesie, pants and all over the white bedding.

And look at that, it's also time to pump again...


Emily said...

Breathe in, breathe out.

Here's a line I love: This too will pass.

Whatever you end up doing will be the best for both you and Ruby. Follow your gut instinct. You know your daughter well enough. If you do switch her (which I have no experience with), it will take her time to get used to it.

All the hard stuff will pass. It will. You are a very strong lady for everything you give to your daughter, and you will make the right decision.

MomtoKandT said...

Give yourself a break! You made it to 6 months. You did great!
But as a mom who breastfed 2 I totally feel your pain! If you want to try to continue to pump, I have a suggestion for you.. the Easy Expression Hands-Free Pumping Bra. I now do PR for the company. It's a bra with two opening that holds the pump flanges in place, freeing your hands. That way you can fold your laundry, play with your baby, eat, answer emails, whatever, all while you pump. I know how maddening it is to hold a pump to your breasts and do nothing else but watch the clock tick by! If you're interested, here's the website: www.easyexpressionproducts.com.
I just got done breastfeeding 6 months ago and wish I would've known about this product when I was pumping.
Best of luck my friend, and whatever you decide to do, just knowing that you're agonizing over this tells me you want the best for your daughter. And that, in and of itself, tells me you're a good mom, no matter what you choose to do.

Mommy Shoes said...

Try not to beat yourself up. You have done a fantastic job and if you choose to stop or supplement now, there is nothing wrong with that.

As for the solids issues, keep trying. I gave up on the cereals b/c Z didn't like them. I would try something a little less texturized than the sweet potatoes or bananas- try pears or apples very thinned down. I know it's hard but you have to just commit to trying and if she only eats a bite or two, that's fine for that meal. try hard to be nonchalant about it. Babies read a lot into your body language. I don't think she is actually eating that much with the 5 oz bottles every 3 hours. Z takes 4 8 oz bottles and 2 6 oz bottles a day.

Hang in there!

Just Jen said...

Ah... I have to agree, keep trying! One day she will surprise you and catch on! Pears seem to be an absolute hit in our house. Never gagged once from them... Sweet potatoes have now been a success, but it took a couple tries. I have switched his rice cereal to Organics Rice Cereal with Apple & Pear (Superstore) it's a bit sweeter... it took a try or two as well and banana anything is a no.
In our house, what I have found to buy me some time to make dinner or whatever is the Baby Einstein videos. They are fantastic! Not that I want to make the TV a babysitter and especially at such a young age-- but he gets in an almost trance-like state. He watches it so closely, and I even catch him smiling and talking to them, but I guess that's what they are geared for. It helps when you need the extra voice in the house. It helps buy some Mom time, or laundry time if need be. If only they could come up with something for night time!
As for the formula, I too have been juggling the thought. Even if it is a once in a while thing. Just for the wee bit of freedom or maybe even a break in the night. I find that lately I can't pump because of demand right now, even though I have been feeding him solids.

You are doing great! Keep trying!

Cece said...

Um - if you are a horrible mother - what the hell am I? I stopped breastfeeding at 2 weeks - and had to supplament since he was born! You are doing awesome. Pumping is soul sucking. You need to decide what is best for YOU. 'If mama ain't happy, nobody's happy' - it's totally true. She'll get used to formula, or solids, or your supply will increase... but she certainly won't waste away to nothing while you figure it out.

You can do it! And you are doing an awesome job already!

Alicia said...

I fully expected to breastfeed Ellie for the first year. By day 4 at the hospital, I couldn't keep up with her and she wasn't latching on. The nurses made me feel like a failure. Then, on that last day, my new nurse quietly asked me if I'd like for her to supplement with some formula for a midnight feeding... the first time a nurse even suggested I *gasp* give the baby that evil, evil stuff. I tearfully nodded my consent. She talked to me the next day, letting me know that I was NOT a failure if I chose to discontinue breastfeeding, regardless of what some of the other nurses had to say. She told me that she, in fact, formula fed all 3 of her children.

Ellie ended up with 5 days of breastfeeding and 11 months and a handful of days of formula. And she's healthy and strong.

Don't beat yourself up, Hon.