Ruby had a meltdown today. A meltdown to top all meltdowns. And I feel like a bag of shit.
The day started out fine enough. My mom, Ruby and I went out shopping. We got Ruby a couple of cute new things to wear (she's outgrowing her clothes so fast) and my mom bought her a highchair! Yay! (Funny thing about the highchair, when we walked up to it - it had a tag on it that said "Ruby. $20 off". I think "Ruby" might have referred to the color scheme because it's red, but still we were pretty sure that this was a sign that it was OUR highchair.)
When we got home, my mom fed Ruby and we put the chair together. Steve came home and Ruby was sitting at the dinner table in her highchair, beaming as he walked in the door. She seems to love it.
And then a few minutes later she started to fuss. And then she started to cry. And arch her back. And then the screaming started. And the BAWLING. And the grunting. And the leg kicking. The sad, pitiful little face she was making. The quivering lip. The gasping for breath. The tears!!!
My god it was terrible.
She's had little crying jags like this before, but they're rare and usually I can fix it.
Steve tried first by holding her to his chest (which usually works) - she continued to freak.
I tried next by holding her close to my chest and rocking her, putting a blankie over her head to block out any stimulus (which usually works) - she continued to freak.
Soother dipped in gripe water? Nope.
Nothing worked. And while my mothering style is usually very calm and laid back, after 10-15 minutes of Ruby losing her sweet baby mind, I started to feel a bit... panicked I guess. And in my panic, I gave her some baby Tylenol. I didn't know what else to do! And I thought she must be in pain if I couldn't console her (Ruby has NEVER been inconsolable before). She has been showing signs of teething lately and I wondered if maybe a tooth was finally breaking through her gums or something. Shortly after I administered the Tylenol, my mom asked if she could try calming her... She took Ruby in her arms and was able to rock her to sleep.
Which made me feel like a big fat fucking failure.
Not that I didn't appreciate my mom calming her down - I totally did, but I should have been able to do that. Because I'm her mom.
And I hated that my mom was here to see the whole meltdown anyways. Granted, if it had to be witnessed by someone then I'm glad it was my mom, but still it didn't feel good. Usually, I am a pro at all things Ruby. But for whatever reason, tonight was different. I couldn't fix her, but my mom could. I resorted to giving her medicine that maybe she didn't even need, because I didn't know what else to do.
To make it worse, my mom figured Ruby was just overtired and got herself so worked up that she couldn't calm down - which made me feel extra bad for giving her the Tylenol. I was sure she was in some sort of pain (she was ramming her fist into her mouth) - but if it was just over tiredness, I medicated her for no reason.
My mom has called me twice this evening to try to make me feel better. She said I handled it just fine and that perhaps Ruby was in pain and the Tylenol was justified. And even if she wasn't in pain, the Tylenol didn't hurt her and it probably helped to calm her down.
But I just don't feel good about the whole thing at all.
So I totally ate too much pizza for dinner and then a chocolate covered granola bar. Because I'm a comfort eater and I needed some pizza and chocolate comforting. Now I'm bothered that I fucked up my diet and I couldn't console my own kid.
Not one of my most shining evenings (although I'm sure there will be worse to come over the years).