I would like remind myself that the next time I think about throwing a big barbeque and inviting all my friends - that I should hire help. All kinds of help. I should hire caterers. I should hire maids. I should hire a nanny.
Or else maybe I should just send Ruby to Grandma's house and go to a restaurant with some girlfriends.
"We" had a BBQ last night - sorta to celebrate my birthday and sorta just because we wanted to have a BBQ and get all our friends together and have some fun. Of course when I say "we" I mean "me" because I made all the food, did all the prepping, organizing, cleaning, etc. Steve worked all day and then came home, cracked a beer (and then another, and another, and another...) put his feet up and had a great time. If you didn't know better, you might have thought it was HIS birthday. Really frustrating when you have a house and yard full of guests.
Of course I was also on high alert with Ruby. There were plenty of mommies in the house who wanted to hold and play and take care of Ruby and my arms enjoyed the break, but that doesn't mean that I wasn't always with one eye on her, watching, listening, tuned in. And while I had a good time with lots of really good friends, it's not quite the same when you've got your "baby ears" on. You never really get to relax and enjoy yourself.
Even later when Ruby went to bed (upstairs) and I had the monitor on (downstairs), I pretty much had that thing to my ear the whole evening. It just didn't feel right for some reason. I couldn't help but feel a bit guilty without actually being able to put my finger on why I felt that way.
The place finally emptied out around 11:30pm and I got to bed shortly after that... but there was no sleep to be had (not by me anyways, Steve was in a pretty deep coma). Is it possible for adult brains to get overstimulated? Cuz that's how I felt. It felt like my body was vibrating and my mind just wouldn't shut down. I tried all my anxiety tricks that my therapist has tought me (counting, breathing, etc) but nothinng worked. If I wasn't still breastfeeding I would have popped an Ativan because I really could have used it to settle myself down. I ended up watching TV until 1am with a short break to go soothe Ruby when she woke up at 12:30. I finally fell asleep around 2am, only to be up at 2:30am to feed her. I got up again with her at 5:30am and then I had to pump. Then she was up again at 7:30am for the day.
I think I might have netted about 4 hours of sleep. Normally Steve would get up to help out at least once while I sleep but he was in no condition for daddy duty - I don't let drunk people care for my baby, even if it's her daddy. (You can rest assured that he's been doing double duty today, probably with a big headache.)
4 hours of sleep is not enough for me. I don't function well. And with my history of depression, not getting enough sleep is never a good thing. Needless to say today wasn't a great day. (It also doesn't help that I found out this morning that a close friend's dad passed away, and I know her heart is broken.)
This is not to say that I didn't enjoy having people over. I had some great friends come over - (including Emily from IF This Works and Emily from Wish, Wait, Hope, Pray - both who spoiled me). There was cake and food and drinks and it was lovely. It was just not as enjoyable as it could have been - as it should have been.
And I am paying a dear price for it today.
For future reference - I should remember to keep my dinner parties to 10 or less (there were close to 30 people here including kids), and when I am in need of an evening of good fun where I don't have to worry about anything I should make reservations, not dinner.