I am feeling worn out lately and my mood sucks right now.
OK... The teething? It sucks. It sucks real bad. No teeth have actually pushed through yet and I just wish they would already. The poor little bugger just whines and whines and whines and I love her to death but the whining! It drives me! After hours of it, I just want to smash my head against the wall (that's MY head). And of course I feel bad for letting it get to me. She can't help it, poor little soul. She's obviously in some serious discomfort. And it doesn't seem to bother Steve nearly as much as me, which makes me look like an even bigger asshole.
And then there's the pumping. Fuck, I am getting tired of that shit. Especially lately since Ruby has been eating a lot more than usual. I am pumping, pumping, pumping and I sometimes just can't keep up with her (lucky the freezer is well stocked). And it DRAINS me. I feel like it's sucking the life out of me sometimes. It doesn't help that Steve's had the past week off work and we've been out and about, going here and there doing stuff. It's been really hard and sometimes really inconvenient. And I don't know if I'd ever mentioned it before but the actual action of pumping (and breastfeeding for that matter) gives me a really yucky, depressed, anxious feeling. It's never gone away (I thought it might with time). As soon as I'm done pumping the feeling goes away but just knowing how it's going to make me feel for that 15-20 minutes fills me with dread when I know I have to pump.
The thoughts of stopping pumping/breastfeeding make me feel really bad. I love that I am giving Ruby my breastmilk and she's done so well on it. And I like that I still have the option to breastfeed her whenever I need to - even though she's really ineffective at it. SOMETIMES it's comforting to her, and I know I always have that option to calm her when/if I need to. As for the other aspects of it - formula is expensive, and also it's giving me a little tiny bit of help with weight loss. The biggest factor - once it's gone, it's gone. I can't get it back. So quitting is a big decision. One that I need to think long and hard about. I'm not sure I'm ready yet, but damn it's tempting sometimes. It sure wears me down both physically and emotionally.
And speaking of weight loss, my diet has been suffering lately too. I'm trying to give myself a break because... I gained 68lbs with my pregnancy and I've lost 58lbs to date. I still have more than 10lbs to lose to be happy with myself (don't worry, I have it to lose), but obviously getting to my pre-pregnancy weight would be a huge accomplishment. The past few weeks though, my losses have been minuscule - which is very disheartening. And then with Steve on holidays this past week, well, I can rest assured any loss will be nonexistent this week. So I'm struggling a bit right now with motivation, and feeling crappy about that. Hey - not to mention that it's fucking hard to be on a diet/exercise program while taking care of a baby and a household.
I know I need to keep an eye on myself for PPD. I've done so well up to this point (Ruby will be 6 months old in a couple of weeks), but I know that if I don't take really good care of myself and my mood, I could easily be pulled under.
I wonder if when Steve goes back to work on Wednesday and I start getting back into a groove, if things will improve for me. I've loved having him home to help with Ruby and we've got to do some fun stuff together but maybe I need my routine back. I don't know. Maybe now that I've written about it, my issues will resolve themselves or I'll find the energy to pull my shit back together. It often seems to work that way.