Monday, May 25, 2009


I am feeling worn out lately and my mood sucks right now.

OK... The teething? It sucks. It sucks real bad. No teeth have actually pushed through yet and I just wish they would already. The poor little bugger just whines and whines and whines and I love her to death but the whining! It drives me! After hours of it, I just want to smash my head against the wall (that's MY head). And of course I feel bad for letting it get to me. She can't help it, poor little soul. She's obviously in some serious discomfort. And it doesn't seem to bother Steve nearly as much as me, which makes me look like an even bigger asshole.

And then there's the pumping. Fuck, I am getting tired of that shit. Especially lately since Ruby has been eating a lot more than usual. I am pumping, pumping, pumping and I sometimes just can't keep up with her (lucky the freezer is well stocked). And it DRAINS me. I feel like it's sucking the life out of me sometimes. It doesn't help that Steve's had the past week off work and we've been out and about, going here and there doing stuff. It's been really hard and sometimes really inconvenient. And I don't know if I'd ever mentioned it before but the actual action of pumping (and breastfeeding for that matter) gives me a really yucky, depressed, anxious feeling. It's never gone away (I thought it might with time). As soon as I'm done pumping the feeling goes away but just knowing how it's going to make me feel for that 15-20 minutes fills me with dread when I know I have to pump.

The thoughts of stopping pumping/breastfeeding make me feel really bad. I love that I am giving Ruby my breastmilk and she's done so well on it. And I like that I still have the option to breastfeed her whenever I need to - even though she's really ineffective at it. SOMETIMES it's comforting to her, and I know I always have that option to calm her when/if I need to. As for the other aspects of it - formula is expensive, and also it's giving me a little tiny bit of help with weight loss. The biggest factor - once it's gone, it's gone. I can't get it back. So quitting is a big decision. One that I need to think long and hard about. I'm not sure I'm ready yet, but damn it's tempting sometimes. It sure wears me down both physically and emotionally.

And speaking of weight loss, my diet has been suffering lately too. I'm trying to give myself a break because... I gained 68lbs with my pregnancy and I've lost 58lbs to date. I still have more than 10lbs to lose to be happy with myself (don't worry, I have it to lose), but obviously getting to my pre-pregnancy weight would be a huge accomplishment. The past few weeks though, my losses have been minuscule - which is very disheartening. And then with Steve on holidays this past week, well, I can rest assured any loss will be nonexistent this week. So I'm struggling a bit right now with motivation, and feeling crappy about that. Hey - not to mention that it's fucking hard to be on a diet/exercise program while taking care of a baby and a household.

I know I need to keep an eye on myself for PPD. I've done so well up to this point (Ruby will be 6 months old in a couple of weeks), but I know that if I don't take really good care of myself and my mood, I could easily be pulled under.

I wonder if when Steve goes back to work on Wednesday and I start getting back into a groove, if things will improve for me. I've loved having him home to help with Ruby and we've got to do some fun stuff together but maybe I need my routine back. I don't know. Maybe now that I've written about it, my issues will resolve themselves or I'll find the energy to pull my shit back together. It often seems to work that way.


Just Jen said...

Oh my God... I would have thought that these words were coming from my mouth! Oh the frustration! I too have been complaining about simular things lately as well, teething, feeding, routine, weight loss, and MEN! (they just don't get it!)

Thanks so much for making me feel that I am normal and not going through this alone.

Keep your head up, you are doing a great job!

Alicia said...

I think getting back into your routine will help. You need that control (well, I do at least).

As for breastfeeding, I think I told you I had to stop when I got an infection from my c-section and had to take major antibiotics. I was planning on breastfeeding my entire pregnancy, but it didn't work out that way. Regardless, it's an extremely hard and personal decision, but you shouldn't beat yourself up about it. Like you said, you need to take care of yourself too. Good luck with whatever you decide, Hon. It'll be OK.

Emily said...

I have no experience on this, but it sounds similar to the worry you were having when you chose to give up breastfeeding and only pump. I didn't know you had an icky feeling though. I'm sorry. I hope you make the right decision for both you and Ruby, and you feel better emotionally soon.

Julia said...

I hear ya on the BF stuff. I've been BF for 2wks now and I hope I can stick in there as long as you.

I wish you and Ruby the best.

Aurelia said...

Dude, baby tempra is my friend at these moments. It really really helps with the whining, and it won't be forever because the first tooth is the hardest.

As for the rest? You have lost most of the weight, and that is amazing, lots of women don't lose any of it until the baby is a year old. Be proud of yourself, don't beat yourself up!

And yes, lots of this will resolve soon. She is on her last growth spurt at 6 months and you will be on solid food, the good kind soon. Meat, beans, cheese, will all fill her up and soon you will be complaining that she doesn't drink enough milk. Trust me....

BTW, that bean recipe is still on my blog, about 6 months or so back. It really fills them up, so think about perusing it, k?

Somewhat Ordinary said...

The teething thing is crazy. At 3 months the doc told me he was showing signs of early teething. He went through periods of drooling and fussiness so I waited and waited and waited and waited. At 8 or 9 months 2 popped out and here we sit at almost 15 months with just those 2 teeth. He will go through these periods that I'm sure mean a tooth is about to pop and NOTHING! We're an extreme case, but from what I've heard around 3-4 months some babies start to "prep" for teething, but sometimes it takes a little while for them to actually show up.