Monday, September 21, 2009

Sweet Grapes

When I was in my 2WW with IVF#2, I remember a day that I was sure it didn't work and I was not going to be pregnant. And I was devastated. I knew I couldn't keep going through treatments for the toll they were taking on me physically, emotionally and financially. I became desperate to find a way to get on with my life. (And desperate to soften the blow of another BFN.) So I got on the internet and I ordered a book that I thought would help me.

Before the book had time to be delivered I peed on a stick and got two lines.

When the book came, I quietly put it away somewhere and didn't want to see it again for fear that if I touched it or even looked at it, it would surely jinx my pregnancy.

Then the other day I was in my computer room and Ruby was playing on the floor. I saw she had pulled a book off my shelf and did a double take when I saw which book she had...


It seemed so ironic and weird that of all the books on the shelf she had pulled that one out. I sat and stared for a moment, it was such an odd sight for me to be seeing. I felt like I was looking at the crossroads of my life. One of my lives was sitting on the floor with my other life in her lap. At one point in time, each of these paths had a 50% chance possibility of being the one that I was to walk down - they both couldn't exist. And here I was, staring them both in the face. I am not sure I can accurately describe how it felt.

It was like the universe was sending me a reminder of how far I've come and what I've endured to get here, and to make sure that I appreciate every second of the life that I have now.

And I can assure you that I do.

~I know this is a sensitive and painful topic for some, but if there is anyone who feels that that they are at the point in their life where this book might help to you or someone you know, please let me know and I will be happy to package it up and mail it to you for free.

13 comments:

chicklet said...

Wow, nice post. Just wow.

Sassymama said...

Great post.
How ironic and weird indeed...

annacyclopedia said...

This really is an amazing post, Tara. I love how clearly you express your gratitude here.

I'm going to throw my name in the hat for the book as I am working on getting a lending library established for my support group. However, if an individual requests the book, please give it to her - if it is going to someone who needs it right now, I think that is more important.

nancy said...

i AGREE WITH CHICKLET. nICE POST.

whoa. caps lock.

Rain Child said...

What a wonderful reflection on your journey. I hope that you have a great week.

ICLW

Chelle said...

I actually love those moments, where my two lives meet. It is truly in those moments that the pain from the past is met with the sheer pleasure of the present, and it helps to dull the pain. I totally hear you, I love my daughter very dearly, but I think I love her even more because I went through so much to get her. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't remember the struggle and hug her so tightly to me and tell her she was worth it all.

It is all just so amazing.

Alicia said...

I'm in awe as well, Tara. Excellent post.

Jamie said...

I also bought that book -- I think it was during IVF #4. It's amazing how quickly and drastically life can change isn't it?

Looking back, I wouldn't change any of my journey. But it sure was a painful process.

Rachel said...

Beautiful story!

Egg Factory said...

quite eloquent - thank you for sharing. I think you'd appreciate a posting my a guest blogger of mine on a similar topic. http://fertilityfoibles.blogspot.com/2009/09/guest-blogger-where-did-i-come-from.html

Candi said...

wow tara. we really do need some sweet grapes from time to time...to remind us that we are blessed! thank you for posting that.

Kristin said...

Oh wow, what a moment.

BTW, Ruby is a beautiful little girl.

Circus Princess said...

What an incredible moment, thanks for sharing :-)

Happy ICLW