Bullets - because it's 3:20am

*I've lost my sleep mojo. It's been gone for about 2 weeks. I need it back desperately but don't know how to get it. I have little trouble falling asleep at night but it's staying asleep that I can't seem to get right. I just can't get into a deep sleep. I am awake every hour looking at the clock. And sometimes, just like right now, I wake up and cannot fall back to sleep. It makes me want to cry.

*We've decided to rent out our basement suite. I SWORE I would never do this but de$perate time$ call for de$perate mea$ure$. I THINK I've found a nice couple to rent it but until they're actually here living under me, in my home - how will I really know? It scares the CRAP out of me.

* We had been using the suite as a recreation and storage area and it was fully furnished - but it's being rented empty. So it's like we've been moving for the past 2 weeks. We've had to pack up everything and either move it upstairs and find a home for it, or ship it to my parents house (45 minute drive) to store it in their basement.

* I am feeling super fat and flubby lately. I really need to get some weight off but I'm having a hard time finding the place in my head that I need to get to to make that happen. I just feel like I'm being dragged around in life with no time to recharge my mental battery. Not sleeping doesn't help either. One feeds off the other.

* I am going to a stagette this Saturday and I have SUPER mixed feelings about it. I will be gone for 24 hours. My mom will come here to watch Ruby during the day (I leave at about noon) and then she'll go home and Steve will watch her when he gets off work. I just know I'm going to fucking worry sick about her all night. Steve's never had her on his own overnight before and I know he's totally capable but I worry that he might slack and something might happen. The other day he was giving her a bath and I happened to walk by and see him taking a pee while she was in the tub. The toilet and tub are separated by a wall. And he was just standing there peeing, peeing, peeing... she could have been doing some deep sea diving for all he knew. He gets mad when I say I'm worried about him looking after her.

* The stagette is an overnighter. I do don't overnighters very well. I hate sleeping anywhere other than my own bed. I get bad anxiety attacks. But if I don't stay it will be like my childhood all over again when I am the only kid at the sleepover who needs to go home because she "can't" stay at other people's houses.

* There's going to be some heavy partying going on too. I don't want to be hungover and sick and depressed the next day but I will be. And I'll have to slide right back into my mommy role and that's no fun with a hangover. Plus? I'm not the party girl I once was. Not sure I can handle this shit anymore. I'm really nervous about the whole thing.

*I signed Ruby and I up for Mommy and Me Aquafit at the local pool - it's every Wednesday for 6 weeks. This means I will be in a bathing suit which strikes fear into the very core of my being. I realize that 30 minutes of aquafit isn't going to be the workout to make me lose 25lbs but Ruby LOVES the water and it's something different to do. It happens to fall on the days of the mommy meetups so I can no longer attend them. No sadness over that schedule conflict.

*I got the pedicure from HELL. The chick sliced a chunk of my heel off with a cradle blade and I've been limping for 4 days. I'm fucking choked about it because I wanted to start jogging again (it's been a few weeks, maybe a month) but every time I walk it bleeds and hurts. Not exactly what you expect when you go for some pampering.

*Ruby's daycare lady called last night to ask a couple of questions. We got talking about her going to daycare and I said how it makes my stomach to a flip-flop to think about being away from her every day. She said, "Yes it's really hard in the begginning. Hard for both of you. But it gets better." And I started to cry. Hard for me - I will deal with me. Hard for Ruby - breaks my heart and I cannot stand the thought of it. (This may require a post of it's own in the future.)

...well, it's now going on almost 4am. I had hoped that getting all this shit out would release it like doves at a wedding and I would feel all peaceful and happy and I would be able to fall into a deep sleep. Instead I'm wide awake still. Maybe I'll go watch some infomercials. I'd love to go into Ruby's room and scoop her out of bed to snuggle her (yeah right, she hates cuddling). But I know that will just wake her up and there's no reason for all of us to suffer.