Monday, September 14, 2009

Reflecting

I came, I saw, I stagetted. I survived. I actually had some fun.

But 12 hours of "celebrating"... is a bit too much for me at my ripe old age of 34. It started at noon and ended (for me anyways) at around midnight. Which meant, "ouch" for yesterday.

Luckily though I did get to come home at the end of the night and I was in the door, in my bed by about 12:30am or so. I was ever so happy to be able to kiss my baby goodnight and wake up in my own bed in the morning.

I was also very lucky that Steve treated me so well yesterday. He took on the parenting role completely and so I was able to sleep in and rest and lick my wounds for as long as it took (it took a long time). He told me that I deserved a night out and I deserved a day off and I deserved to sleep and rest and do whatever I wanted to do the next day. I'm so thankful for that. I did sweet fuck all yesterday.

Today, after the fog has lifted somewhat, I'm feeling thankful for where I'm at in my life. A place where those party girl nights are so few and far between and there are other things, much more important things - things that make me so much more happy and content than a night out could ever make me. And I think that all the days and nights of worry leading up to last Saturday are because I know that that's not really me anymore. That I don't enjoy that kind of night so much anymore. Sure I do still enjoy myself a cocktail now and then, but those big BIG party nights just don't do it for me anymore.

Or perhaps they never did.

What if those big piss up, party down nights were never really my thing? What if that's just what I did because I didn't know what else to do with myself and it just seemed like the thing to do? What else did I have going on? How else would I get the attention that I seemed to crave so badly? What else would fill the void? What else would help me numb out my feelings?

Having a little reminder of what my old life looked like really slams it home how unhappy and unfulfilled I truly was back then. I couldn't be happier with where my life is right now. I am not missing out on anything. I don't care if people think I'm silly or sucky or whatever because none of that matters one little bit. I have all I could ever ask for in my life and my heart wants for nothing.

7 comments:

Candi said...

well i must say, tara, that i am very proud of you! you needed your time away, you took it, and you are refreshed! i'm telling you...it can be hard, but in the end our families thank us for taking a second to hit the reset button.

Emily said...

I'm so happy you found the 'real' you. Isn't it interesting how going back to your old 'fun' would make you realize that?

Congrats on some much needed rest afterwards.

Alicia said...

I've never actually been to a stagette, but I still could have pretty much written this post. I getcha, Hon. 100%.

Femme au Foyer said...

I totally get what you are saying in this post. Not long after our baby was born, my husband and I went out on the town. We had a nice dinner and then decided to go to have a drink at one of the "in" bars in town (BTW - "In" bars last about three months in Austin). Once at the bar we felt so really out of place. We left after 30 minutes and were so happy to be home near our little man, laughing and cuddling with each other on the couch. We both agreed that the bar left us with such an empty feeling.

Yes, life is much slower these days. Instead of accomplishing 10,000 things in one day, I'm lucky if I can get one errand run. Instead of heaping project after project on myself, often my day consists of playing with and nurturing my son.

I've never felt so content in my whole life.

noswimmers said...

Dang girl, you look GREAT! Seriously, you look so happy (and SKINNY, woah!!). It doesn't hurt having that adorable little Ruby next to you. ;)

Aurelia said...

I agree heartily with this post.

(And I was going to leave this comment on the other post, but here it is--this picture shows me you have lost a lot of weight. Your face is much skinnier. So I think the rest of your body will look great in a bathing suit. Cause nobody's head shrinks on it's own! haha)

annacyclopedia said...

You look so beautiful and so happy in this picture, and I can't help feeling proud of you (is it weird of me to feel proud of someone I've met once? probably...but there you go) for writing this post and realizing where you are right now in your life and feeling at peace with that and grateful for all your happiness.

It takes courage to admit that we have changed - that things we used to enjoy or feel were necessary to our happiness have slipped down the priority list (or even dropped right off it). And even more courage to see ourselves with the kind of clarity that you have here - "What if those nights were never really my thing?" I can totally relate to this - there is so much of my life that I can now see was just me trying to cover up who I really am. Not that I regret it, exactly, but when I look back at some of that stuff, I feel a bit sad. But also happy, because it was still me, trying to be me, in the best way I knew how at the time. If that makes any sense.

Anyway, this post is beautiful, and so are you.