Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Just when I think I'm doing ok...

Just when I think I'm starting to get the hang of things, or have somewhat of a routine in place - I read something that throws me off or makes me feel guilty for something or other that I'm doing.

The way she sleeps is questionable.
The way I feed her is questionable.
The amount of time I hold her is questionable (too much, not enough, etc)
The amount of stimulus she gets when she's awake is questionable (too much, not enough, too loud, too quiet, etc)
The number of times I bath her a week is questionable.

..l.and it goes on... and on...

I WAS starting to feel good about things. I WAS feeling less guilt about, well, everything I do that isn't "textbook". And then I pick up some stupid book that tells me what to "expect" and it totally fucks me up. Why do I read it - because I'm afraid that I'm going to miss something. That she should or shouldn't be doing something that she is or isn't doing and I wouldn't know the difference. That I am such a rookie mom that I won't know if I'm doing something horribly wrong to screw my daughter up for the rest of her life...

We were/are getting a little routine going on. I was starting to feel a little more confidence in my mothering. And I am seeing progress in her size, her alertness, her personality - and dammit this should be enough. I can't let some stupid "one size fits all" book make me second guess myself and my instincts.

3 comments:

Emily said...

Ok I can't speak from experience yet (and you can feel free to throw this back in my face in August) but the best moms I know just go on their gut. Is she starving? Bleeding from all open holes? Losing weight? Crying for hours on end whilst you ignore her? Shrinking? Trying to murder people? If the answer to those questions is NO then you are doing just fine.

Don't start judging yourself by anyone else's standards - it will only make you feel worse. You wanted Ruby, you fought for her, you carried her and now you'll be her mother - by your standards and to the best of your abilities. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

Aurelia said...

That what to expect book, irritates me. I didn't even open it this time. Maybe buy another one?

Heavenly Blossom said...

Don't read books! No baby is the same, so I think the books are a bit ridiculous! Your gorgeous little one will be just fine. Even as a baby, the development can be a little behind. Most are all on the same page by Kindergarten anyway! The best advice I can give is don't tip toe around her. Make her a part of your life..the way it is, was, will be...

We were never the "SHH!!! The baby is sleeping" type, and my daughter has always been able to sleep through anything. It kind of "shock proofed" her too (because we're major loud mouths), so not much has ever been able to scare her.

Books will just freak you out. I found it was much better to ask advice from other mothers and experiment to find what was best for my daughter. I'm sure that you're doing a FANTASTIC job! Just enjoy her and you can always ask your doctor if you have any concerns. :)