Ruby had her 4 week checkup at the midwive's office yesterday. It was our first outing with just the two of us and I was a little nervous. I needn't have been. It went beautifully. So beautifully that after the midwife appointment I drove across town and bought dog food.
When we walked in the door of the office, immediately all the midwives started oohing and ahhing at her. She started hamming it up right away. Spread her fingers and put up both her hands as if to hold them off while she ran though all the faces that she knows how to make - and using her smile for the grand finale. Priceless.
The appointment went really well. Ruby is a whopping 9lbs11oz now! So no more worry about my skinny little baby that was dropping so much weight after she came home from the hospital. I asked the midwife if she was gaining too much weight and she said that as long as she's getting breastmilk exclusively, it's never too much. And also that she is not "fat" at all. She's long and beautiful.
We also talked about the whole breastfeeding fiasco. It was the midwife who is a little older and more laid back and who is also a lactation consultant. She told me that near the end of my frustration with trying to breastfeed, and having the pumped breastmilk working for me - she had told the other midwife to just tell me to go with that because it was working for me. She said that we have to do what we have to do and some babies just will not take the breast when they are born. The most important thing is that she is getting my breastmilk exclusively. I told her how devastated and fucked up I was about the whole thing and she said that there was no need for that extra stress on me. I did what was right for me and Ruby and that is that.
I wish I would have heard that back when I was crying 23 hours a day and ready to throw myself from a bridge for being such a "shitty mom". Alas, I guess I had to figure it out for myself.
In any case, I now have the best of both worlds because I am bottle feeding my breastmilk on a regular basis which means she's getting all the food she needs and also I can get help occasionally. But also I will sometimes give Ruby my breast. I do it when she's cranky, or if I think she has an upset tummy - or if the bottle can't come fast enough, or if I'm in a pinch. She usually latches well now and will drink for a good while. Still she prefers the bottle (obviously) and wouldn't stay on the breast for a full feed - and I'm ok with all of it.
So now we have one more appointment with the midwives before we are done with them and have to say goodbye and go out into the big scary world and actually find a doctor (since mine closed his practice last June). I'm not looking forward to that part.