The first trimester can be a very lonely place. Especially if you are experiencing an unexpected pregnancy and are trying to find your way. It is difficult to figure out how your life is going to look when you suddenly find out it's not at all going to be what you thought. (Particularly if you are a planner and a control freak, like myself) I feel happy and excited and elated over being pregnant "naturally", however there are a lot of other factors that make it hard to just enjoy that happiness and excitement. And while we want/need to keep it a secret for the first 3 months, nobody knowing and having nobody to talk to can make it seem like you're all alone with your troubles.
I have written a few posts lately, talking about some of the things that I have had difficulty with. Some of the stuff I'm trying to process and figure out. I understand that it is hard for some people to comprehend my feelings. I wanted to clarify (again), that I am not ungrateful or unhappy in any way for the gift I have been given, I am just trying to work out my feelings surrounding it. Please don't mistake my recent posts for anything other than that.
That being said, I wanted to mention that after talking to a few very wise women lately, I have been able to process some stuff and am feeling better today than I have in a long time.
In regards to my job and my career - a good friend reminded me that I am just coming off maternity leave and it would be natural for me to be excited to go back to work. And perhaps I have romanticized it somewhat - thinking of dressing up, drinking coffee, chatting around the water cooler, doing my job. But as she reminded me, I'm very lucky because after about 6 months I am going to be tired of all the bullshit once again and I will be happy to have another break! Probably true. And a co-worker friend pretty much reaffirmed that last night. Things are not all rosy, people are assholes, there are lots of pot holes, the work isn't straight forward, the coffee tastes like shit, and my new boss is bi-polar. I'm sure 6 months will be plenty of time for me to get sick of work and be ready for maternity leave again. Also mentioned? I have options. I don't HAVE to take the whole year. I can also perhaps do some part time stuff, or some work from home stuff. Options, I have options. I like options.
In regards to my weight - I have been feeling depressed about the fact that while I lost the weight I gained with my first pregnancy, I was overweight to begin with and would have liked to lose a lot more before ever getting pregnant again. But a wise girlfriend put that in a different light for me... She told me that if I had lost the weight I wanted and then got pregnant again, I would be fucking PISSED that I did all that work and now I was going to get big and round again. And she's right. Oh I would be so upset if I had worked my ass off and got thin and then my body started growing again. Like she said, there would never have been a "perfect" time. So true! And so I will be relatively the same as I was with Ruby and when the baby is born, I am ALL done and I can work on improving myself without having to worry about if I'm ever going to do it again (I'M NOT!). I am looking forward to next summer when the baby is here and I can start working on me a little bit. Until then, I will just do my best to work with what I've got.
I cannot say how grateful I am for having such wise and wonderful women in my life. It has sure helped to lift my mood and give me other perspectives to look at. I feel at peace today, for the first time in a long time. I feel hopeful and positive and I hope that the feeling lasts.
5 comments:
Great post, Tara.
It gives me a good perspective to many of the thoughts swirling around my head lately-- even if I am not entirely in the same situation as you.
You are superwoman and I know that whatever you put your mind to, you will make the most of it.
I'm glad you are getting your mind wrapped around it all. It's a lot to take in.
It's strange how something that should unite you with women and form a bond deeper than class, race, or status instead, in our society, isolates. And it sucks.
I feel it. For different reasons. Being half a world away from family, although my mother is about as supportive of me as a slinky and being surrounded by 20 somethings who aren't married let alone considering kids. I feel like quite the white elephant. SO I know the lonliness even if it is a different shade.
I'm happy to read you are coming onto good terms with some of the things that were bothering you. Goddess knows I'm still struggling with some guilt issues. Onward and upward, yeah?
It's true. You would feel shitty about the weight no matter when it was, but especially if you just lost a bunch. This pregnancy took you by surprise. It WILL take you awhile to process it. I'm not surprised or shocked by your feelings. As much as I say I would love a surprise pregnancy, I know I would probably feel the same.
Just the other day, a female coworker commented on all the weight I've recently lost. She then said, "Now just don't get pregnant because you'll be super pissed after all the work you just went through."
So. Very. True.
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