Scary

I had a midwife appointment today. And I got to hear the baby's heartbeat. It made me so happy. It made it more real and it made me excited and it was just what I needed. I even recorded it on my blackberry to play back later for Steve. It was the best feeling to be able to hear that pretty little helicopter sound (160bpm).

Then when I was driving home I got into a car accident. A semi-truck drove into the lane I was in causing the car in front of me to stop abruptly. I couldn't quite get my car stopped before I rear ended that car in front of me. Of course the semi-truck drove away (Fucker!!!). Of course because I was the poor bastard at the end of the line, I will be the one to pay. The car I hit just had a few little scratches in the bumper but you know this guy is heading straight to his buddy's body shop to have the whole car overhauled at my expense.

Ruby was with me and she cried for about 10 seconds and then stopped. I think it was just the loud bang that scared her. I checked her out and she's totally fine. I think I'm fine too but of course bad thoughts run through a girl's head. When I finally got home I thought I was having some weird tummy troubles and I was sure that something terrible had happened and that I was going to lose Junior. But now that I've had a nap and am more rational, I'm pretty sure it was just gas.

In any case, I'm going to spend the day relaxing and I won't be straining myself by doing any housework or cooking any dinner.

I'm sure that this was the Universe's way of telling me to keep it real. "Don't get too excited about anything, bitch because I can take it all away from you anytime I like."

Eye Opener

I return to work in a week and a half. In preparation, I took Ruby to visit her daycare today to get her used to the place before she's there four days a week.

This is the daycare that I fell in love with, that was run by the nicest sweetest lady who is about my age and who was great with the kids. She was warm and friendly and I felt so good about taking Ruby there.

Well, she's still all that but it wasn't quite all fluff and love today. When she found out that Ruby still takes two naps a day she advised me that that was soon to stop because all her daycare kids nap at the same time - noon. No exceptions.

She also lectured me a bit about Ruby's eating habits when I told her Ruby doesn't eat much. I told her the doctor said it was nothing to worry about and she told me that yeah, doctors will say that. But that I needed to keep offering her different foods or else she would one day be nine and only eat 10 things like her friend's kid. Except that I do offer her different foods. And she eats them. Just only a few bites and then she's bored with it or uninterested or whatever. It's not that she doesn't like the food - so don't go making assumptions. Thank you.

She also has a big fluffy dog that wasn't present when I went to view the daycare the first two times. I mean, I'm totally ok with Ruby being around a dog - in fact I'd like her to grow up around animals, it's just that he was laying in the middle of the room, amongst the toys and he smelled a little bit doggy. I could see that he's obviously fantastic with kids and I have no worries about Ruby's safety, it's just that... he's a big, fluffy, slightly smelly dog, laying in the middle of the toys... I don't know. I just didn't know he was part of the package.

Oh, and when I left she gave me a calendar for the month of December noting all the days that the daycare is closed. What the fuck am I supposed to do on those days? Seriously. What do people do? I'm totally new to this.

I know that all of this is pretty minor stuff and I still feel good about the daycare. I think I was just a little bit sensitive going in. I thought I would be totally ok with it because I feel ready and I think Ruby is ready, but I started getting a bit fluttery in the chest and I got tears in my eyes a couple of times, thinking about the adjustments we are going to make. And so with the nap comment and the eating comments... just... bah.

On the bright side, Ruby really seemed to like it there. She was interested in the other kids and she liked the different toys and she was all chatty and moving around the room and probably forgot that dear old Mom was even there at all.

We go back next week for another visit before she starts going full time on December 8th. I can see that this is not going to be as easy as I thought or hoped it would be. I'm a big fucking sensitive wuss right now.

Big First

Ruby took her first unassisted steps tonight.

She's been walking around while holding onto furniture for a while but tonight she let go of the furniture and took a couple of steps on her own.

Wow. I am amazed at how special this is to me and how amazing it feels. One year ago I didn't have a clue how cool and rewarding this life would be.

New Perspective

The first trimester can be a very lonely place. Especially if you are experiencing an unexpected pregnancy and are trying to find your way. It is difficult to figure out how your life is going to look when you suddenly find out it's not at all going to be what you thought. (Particularly if you are a planner and a control freak, like myself) I feel happy and excited and elated over being pregnant "naturally", however there are a lot of other factors that make it hard to just enjoy that happiness and excitement. And while we want/need to keep it a secret for the first 3 months, nobody knowing and having nobody to talk to can make it seem like you're all alone with your troubles.

I have written a few posts lately, talking about some of the things that I have had difficulty with. Some of the stuff I'm trying to process and figure out. I understand that it is hard for some people to comprehend my feelings. I wanted to clarify (again), that I am not ungrateful or unhappy in any way for the gift I have been given, I am just trying to work out my feelings surrounding it. Please don't mistake my recent posts for anything other than that.

That being said, I wanted to mention that after talking to a few very wise women lately, I have been able to process some stuff and am feeling better today than I have in a long time.

In regards to my job and my career - a good friend reminded me that I am just coming off maternity leave and it would be natural for me to be excited to go back to work. And perhaps I have romanticized it somewhat - thinking of dressing up, drinking coffee, chatting around the water cooler, doing my job. But as she reminded me, I'm very lucky because after about 6 months I am going to be tired of all the bullshit once again and I will be happy to have another break! Probably true. And a co-worker friend pretty much reaffirmed that last night. Things are not all rosy, people are assholes, there are lots of pot holes, the work isn't straight forward, the coffee tastes like shit, and my new boss is bi-polar. I'm sure 6 months will be plenty of time for me to get sick of work and be ready for maternity leave again. Also mentioned? I have options. I don't HAVE to take the whole year. I can also perhaps do some part time stuff, or some work from home stuff. Options, I have options. I like options.

In regards to my weight - I have been feeling depressed about the fact that while I lost the weight I gained with my first pregnancy, I was overweight to begin with and would have liked to lose a lot more before ever getting pregnant again. But a wise girlfriend put that in a different light for me... She told me that if I had lost the weight I wanted and then got pregnant again, I would be fucking PISSED that I did all that work and now I was going to get big and round again. And she's right. Oh I would be so upset if I had worked my ass off and got thin and then my body started growing again. Like she said, there would never have been a "perfect" time. So true! And so I will be relatively the same as I was with Ruby and when the baby is born, I am ALL done and I can work on improving myself without having to worry about if I'm ever going to do it again (I'M NOT!). I am looking forward to next summer when the baby is here and I can start working on me a little bit. Until then, I will just do my best to work with what I've got.

I cannot say how grateful I am for having such wise and wonderful women in my life. It has sure helped to lift my mood and give me other perspectives to look at. I feel at peace today, for the first time in a long time. I feel hopeful and positive and I hope that the feeling lasts.

Employment

I had my pre-return-to-work meeting today with my two new bosses (I'm back to work in 3 weeks). I've been thinking a lot about this meeting over the past few days (weeks), wondering just how I would handle it. I knew I wanted (needed?) to tell them my "situation", because for one - I think it's fair that they know ASAP that they only have me for 6 months (and then I'm on mat leave again for another year), and for two - I needed to get it off my chest.

I wanted to do it professionally and I wanted to feel strong and confident and I did not want to show one drop of weakness. So I went in today wearing black, pointed-toe stilettos and lipstick and I held an umbrella over my head to keep my hair dry from the rain.

I got a great vibe from my new bosses. They were really excited that I was coming back to work. They were told great things about me, my work ethic, my determination, my intelligence. They said I come very highly recommended from my previous boss (same company but different bosses due to reorganization). They talked about what my job was going to entail, and some new stuff that I was going to be taking on. I will also be working out of a different location, a bigger building, a bigger, nicer office.

And when we were done discussing all of that they asked if there was anything else we needed to talk about....

And that's when I dropped the bomb.

I know I didn't have to give them the details, but I felt that I owed them some sort of explanation. (Especially since the female boss looked at me like she had been slapped.) Things definitely softened up a bit once I explained the infertility and the past IVF cycles and our less than one percent chance of doing this the way we did. They were quite decent about it anyways. I told them that I realized, for an employer that this is not a great situation. They said that we just need to concentrate now on getting me back in the saddle and up to speed and we'd worry about the rest later. They said that's what contractors are for. They were very professional and somewhat compassionate. And I am grateful for that.

Still, I left there feeling a bit empty inside and a somewhat depressed. I really do enjoy my career and I really was looking forward to getting back at it - full force. I was looking forward to being respected for my strong work ethic and my brains and for how good I am at my job - and not just because I can change a mean diaper. Can anybody take me seriously in my position now? Or will everyone just be watching the calendar until I'm gone again? Will I be reluctant take on new projects, knowing I'm going to have to hand it off to someone in a few months? Can I really get comfortable there considering I'll be gone again in a mere six months?

This is harder than I thought it would be. I feel like I'm losing a bit of my identity.

My Vampire

Ruby bites. Hard. It hurts. She's left welts on me. I can't make her stop. She laughs at me when I cry out in pain. She laughs when I get mad at her. She laughs when I firmly grab her and tell her "NO". She laughs when I squeeze her cheeks and tell her to "STOP".

I have learned that she does it most when she is tired - whatever good that does me.

Suggestions?

Tattoo

I have a tattoo appointment this afternoon. I know that it's ok to get tattooed while pregnant - no ink goes into your bloodstream and it does not affect the baby in any way. But the last time I was pregnant my tattoo guy didn't want to tattoo me. Fair enough. So now I'm almost 9 weeks pregnant and I was just going to go in and get tattooed and not say anything. But I hate, hate, hate lying or being sneaky or deceitful about things. It makes me feel yucky inside. And my tattoo guy knows me on a bit of a personal level now. I've been going to him for over 5 years and we've become friends on some level. So I felt that I should tell him my "situation" and let him decide.

So I sent him an email this morning explaining. And I haven't heard back from him. THAT is the worst. Putting myself "out there", letting out some personal information and not getting a response. Just hanging in limbo, checking my email every 5 minutes. My appointment is in less than 2 hours. What if he doesn't respond before then? Do I go anyways and not say anything? Do I go and say something? WTF?

I hate shit like this.

I am ok either way with whatever he says. I don't really FEEL like going and getting tattooed today, and I don't exactly have money flowing freely - but on the other hand I desperately want to get my sleeve closer to finished. I just want it done, especially with what the next year or so is going to look like. I won't exactly have a lot of time to get tattooed.

Bleh, just babbling about what's on my mind at the moment, hoping to let it out and let it go and in turn not let things bother me so much.

~Updated~

He just emailed me back with probably the obvious - Wow, congrats! But no tattooing when preggo, ever :( :(

Then we chatted back and forth for a while and he was really cool about it - because he's a cool guy. I won't deny that I'm disapointed though. I almost wish I had just not said anything.

I'm going to sit here and have myself a selfish little cry and and then move on.

Self Esteem

My self esteem has not been at it's highest lately. I am overweight. My hair is short and I'm growing out a not-great cut. It's also been super greasy for some reason and impossible to style. The excessive belly fat that I seemed to obtain/retain when Ruby was born is now being pushed out by Junior in my belly, causing all my pants to give me the muffin top to conquer all muffin tops. My skin is dry on the forehead but I seem to be breaking out here and there with acne. I don't have a lot of clothes to begin with and the ones I do have look horrible on me right now with the belly fat issue. I want to get myself some new clothes but can't afford it and what's the point right now because they're just going to be too tight too soon anyways. I try to do my best to look nice, I do. But right now, I'm just not feeling like I look my best and it really bothers me (keeps me awake at night). I just want to feel attractive and pretty.

Last night my BIL and his girlfriend came over. I am (just now) getting my paperwork together to get my passport and I had my BIL's girlfriend (call her SIL for sake of ease) sign as my guarantor. I wasn't crazy about my passport photo and I knew I didn't look great in it but I figured nobody looks awesome in their passport photo anyways and there are bigger things to worry about in the world. Well, SIL took one look at the picture and WENT OFF about how horrible I look.

"Jesus, Tara. What the hell happened?? You look terrible! This looks like you just got out of jail or like you should be on Intervention or something."

Yeah I know it's not great.

"No it's TERRIBLE! You look like you got in a fight and someone ripped your extensions out. What the fuck happened to your hair???"

I don't know. I walked there, so I guess it got messed up a bit.

"That's really bad. One of the worst passport pictures I've ever seen."

Sooooo... you don't think I look pretty?

"Fuck no! You're going to get stopped at the border every time you try to cross because the border guards are going to think you are a drug dealer or a crackhead or something!!"

Awesome. Between her tirade and my MIL's recent comment about my pregnancy weight, I'm flying high right now. Do people not get that perhaps I might need a little support and encouragement right now instead of fucking tearing me down into little bits of worthlessness? It's like a sport to these people.

One

There is one, singular, solitary baby in my belly, and *he has a heartbeat.

This is exactly the outcome I was hoping for.

I hope that this helps me move forward in accepting this pregnancy - although keeping it out of my mind is kinda working for me for the time being. There's so far to go until the end, there's no point wasting a lot of brain power thinking too much about it right now. When I think too much about my future, I get all flustered and nervous and sooner or later I'm entrenched in a full blown anxiety attack. So for now I just try to keep my mind within the relatively immediate future - like, Ruby's 1st birthday is next month, and what ever will I get her and what will we do to celebrate, and also I return to work next month, and Ruby is going to start daycare next month, and how will I adjust to being a working mom?

Stuff like that causes enough anxiety on it's own without thinking of adding another human into the mix. So for now, I try to keep the slate as clear as possible.



*Obviously it's too early to tell the gender but I have had this feeling since day 1 that I am packing around a boy.

Not running

So running isn't happening for me. At least not on the regular basis that I wanted it to.

The only time that I am able to get out and run is in the morning before Steve goes to work. He leaves for work at around 7:30am. That means I need to be up at 6:30am and out the door by 6:45am. And right now I really, REALLY need that time for sleep. While I'm not feeling nearly as sick as I was with Ruby in the first trimester, I'm still feeling like crap. I'm tired, my tummy is really yucky and my sinuses are brutal.

So getting up to run at 6:30am is just not in the cards for me right now. Sadly. I am disappointed.

This past week was not a good one for me. I had some severe allergy attack and was a complete mess. I ate like shit because I couldn't get it together enough to cook a meal to save my life, and the weather was terrible so I couldn't leave the house and then Halloween, and the weekend and just... ugh! I feel like a big fat blob already.

This week I'm going to try to do things better (Tuesday is my Monday). I went to Costco yesterday and stocked up on groceries. And I think the weather is going to be better (so far so good). So I plan on making some decent meals this week and also I plan on getting out and walking as much as I can. I need to do something. Pushing a stroller is decent exercise and it's good for Ruby to get out too.

So that's my short term plan for this week. Hoping for a better week than last.

Bzzzz....

I had a blast with RuBEE on Halloween. We went "trick-or-treating" to my Mom and Dad's and then my BIL's during the day. She was such a good sport all day.

I got some fantastic pictures of her.