Thursday, February 5, 2009

Sleep problems, for me

Just when we are starting to get a bit of a routine in the sleep department... I have a new issue that is preventing me from getting a good rest.

Ruby has been going about 4 hours between feeds during the night. And usually if it's the first sleep of the night, she'll go a little longer, like 5 hours sometimes. And one time she went 6 1/2 (I may or may not have had a beer or two and gave her a little nip off the old boobie).

But 4 hours is not bad, right? And I've gotten our feeding routine pretty down pat. So the feeding, burping, changing, pumping takes only about 45 minutes. And then even if she hasn't gone back to sleep by the end of the routine I can still (usually) put her in her bassinet awake and she'll just entertain herself until she falls asleep again. And usually Steve will get up and do one of the feeds during the night or early morning.

So I really have not much to complain about.

Except I am struggling to actually fall asleep when she first goes down to sleep at night. Why? Well... I get all fucking emotional. Sometimes I will hold her to my chest while she sleeps and I'll cry my pathetic eyes out.

My mind gets carried away when it's bedtime. A million different terrible scenarios start going through my head. Right now I am terribly afraid of crib death. And the fear of losing Ruby consumes me when my head hits the pillow. I'm afraid I will fall asleep and she'll be gone when I wake up. And a million other terrible things run through my head until I've made myself a little bit crazy and I'm too afraid to close my eyes. I feel like I must stay awake and watch her to make sure she's ok. I know it's irrational. I KNOW. But I'm really struggling with it. I've even been sleeping with the lamp or TV on so I can see her whenever I need to.

It doesn't help that when I try to talk to Steve about it, he just snorts and says, "Shut the light off" and then falls back asleep.

In the meantime, the clock ticks on and my opportunity to sleep is dwindling by the minute.

Now it's starting to take it's toll on me. I HAD been starting to feel pretty decent since we'd been in a bit of a decent routine. Now I'm getting a bit cranky during the day. And I feel hungry more (or I think I feel hungry but it's probably just tired masquerading as hungry). I panic a bit lately and have felt a bit of anxiety. I know it's from not enough sleep.

I don't know how to make this better. My love/fear for Ruby is making me loonie.


Aurelia said...

I assume that you are still on your ADs? And seeing a therapist?

Maybe you need to adjust your dose, or talk more with your therapist, but this sounds like you can't just ignore it.

At least try to sleep a bit hon.

Tara said...

No, actually I haven't been on AD's for over 4 years now. And I only go see the therapist now when something is eating me. I've been feeling so damn good mentally and really relaxed and in control (except for the odd blip).

I talked to the midwife about it a bit today and got a bit of reassurance regarding SIDS which helps a bit.

If it doesn't subside in the next few days I'll go back to the therapist for a visit.

Aurelia said...

Sorry, for some reason I remember you mentioning ADs before, but it must have been in a past context. Anyway, yes, I do hope that you feel better. Sleep will help those fears go away.

Femme au Foyer said...

Don't worry, I think it's natural to feel this way. Hormones are in overdrive and you are responsible for the life of a precious little being. As she grows bigger and healthier these fears will fade, I promise. It's perfectly natural to emotional while you're feeding your baby and rocking her to sleep in the middle of the night. Fatigue plays a large part as well. It does get better.