Thursday, December 16, 2010

Time for change

Back to your regularly scheduled programming...

I'm in a bad place.  I'm hanging by a thread, twisting in the wind.  I am crying out for help and nobody is listening. I don't know how much more clear I could be to those around me that I need help.  I tell Steve every day how badly I am struggling. I have told my inlaws at every opportunity that I get. I have told my parents - who seem to be the most concerned about me, and the most sympathetic.  But nobody is stepping up to offer help. And things are growing worse.  Things are getting dire.

Too many things have gone wrong over the past few months and I've had to deal with them all myself and I am getting to the breaking point.

I have been making a little progress with Lincon's sleep problems and I am encouraged when I see that progress, knowing that I'm responsible for it - but it's far, far from being anything close to acceptable.  Last night was a particularly bad night with him.  And I've had a particularly bad morning.

I am sleep deprived. Frustrated. Irritated. Resentful. 

My marriage is not good - although Steve would never admit such a thing.  We are little more than room mates. Co-parenting.  I try to talk to him about it but he walks away from me.  Literally, walks away from me. It feels so disrespectful.  He wants me to magically be happy. Solve my own problems.  Solve my kids problems.  And leave him out of any of the tough stuff.  You've heard of "fair weather friends", he is my "fair weather husband".  There is no effort on his part to work on anything between us.  He does nothing to make me feel loved, wanted, attractive, appreciated.  I do not have the energy to do whatever needs to be done on my part to try to make things better.

I'm lonely.

My appearance makes me sad.  I feel like a fat, frumpy mother of two who has let herself go.  In fairness to myself I haven't really let myself go so much as I have had no choice but to put all my efforts and energy into other places.  And really, nobody cares what I look like anyways.  Nobody sees me. I don't get out unless it's to the grocery store and the clerks there don't care that my ass is fat or that my hair is flat, or that I only had time to put on mascara.  My kids don't care.  Steve doesn't seem to either.  I feel invisible.

The past few months have taken a serious toll on me.

I don't like where I'm at.  I need change. For the sake of myself, for the sake of my family. 

I've come to realize that nobody is going to help me, I need to help myself. 

I can not wait for the new year to start to fix this.  I need to get on it right away. 

I am going to contact the expensive sleep consultant and hire her. Today.  Fuck it.  It's expensive and I can not afford it but I am bearing the weight of this problem alone - if I have to pay someone to help me, so be it.  I can not read any book fast enough or thoroughly enough to solve this on my own.  I will put all my effort into getting Lincoln's sleep habits on track, and therefore getting some sleep of my own.  I need to be able to think more clearly, feel less sluggish and tired and worn down.

Then, I'm going to work on regaining my life, or should I say creating a new life for myself since whatever my life has been in the past is no longer applicable. One step at a time. The marriage. My weight and appearance. My social life.  Not necessarily in that order.

Its time I started caring for myself and stopped waiting for someone else to do it.


JJ said...

You need more chocolate covered pretzels. :)

But seriously--I wish there was more I could do. I get the "fair weather" stuff--Mook HATES confrontation about the "tough stuff" and Ive been left with a lot of that the past year since hes been gone 5 days a week. It blows.

Im here. Always. Still think we need to take that tropical vacation we used to talk about...


Christy said...

I applaud your decision to contact the sleep expert and get some help-like you said, you have been reaching out and those around you have not offered or stepped up to help. I think just the act of doing something for yourself (and ultimately your family) is a great step. I pray that you get some resolution on the sleep issues. From past experience I know that life overall gets A LOT more manageable when you have sleep. Good luck and keep us posted!

Esperanza said...

Oh Tara. What a horrible position you're being put in. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this alone. I think you're absolutely doing the right thing hiring someone to help you. Once you are getting proper sleep the other problems, which now seem insurmountably will seem less daunting. I hope things with the sleep consultant go well. Keep us posted,

Candi said...

I hate that you are feeling this way. I wish I could come rock Lincoln all night so you could sleep...and give Steve a little slap upside the head. Not a hard one...just enough to remind him how amazing you are and make him aware of everything that you do.

Please hang in there. Do what you need to do to get back to the old Tara. Don't think of it as being selfish...its being a good mom. Because if you aren't feeling good about yourself, you're giving them less of yourself than if you were in a great state of mind.

Hopeful Mother said...

I am proud of you for seeing this so clearly through the fog, and watching out for *you,* despite the economic costs of the sleep consultant. The human costs (you and your sanity, your marriage) are too great if you don't do something, and this is a great first step.

As far as your family/friends are concerned - I've found that I have to be really DIRECT and say - I need you to DO THIS and give them something concrete to do to help you (like can you please come over at 5:00 and help me make dinner, or can you come over and do 2 loads of laundry while I sleep etc.), and I need to not sit and worry about what they think of me in the process. (which was a major roadblock in getting me to ask in the first place.)

It may be different for you, but for me I kept waiting for people to help me when I was struggling and it never happened. Not that it's perfect now that I ask, but it's lots better.

I hope that this first step is the first of many new good changes to make your life what you want it to be (and you deserve!) Hugs to you Tara.

IVF 40+ said...

YES! Sleep consultant or night nurse is a must. It's the ONLY way I could have coped with this new world. I am so sorry no-one is there to support you. No-one should go through all this on her own.
Whatever I can do, even if it's just reading your blog, I commit to doing.
Scream and shout, make some noise!!

Anonymous said...

Tara, consider calling your OB/GYN or general practitioner and scheduling an appointment for a consultation on post-partum depression. Sleep-deprivation can trigger it and you are displaying all the hallmarks. It's not something easily overcome without support from your loved ones which is why I'm recommending bringing in the big guns (your doctors). Do it for yourself and your sweet children.

JJ Keith said...

I'm so glad you're getting the sleep expert and I second the idea of looking into PPD. I thought I had a grip on this 2-under-2 business, but the other day I finally went in to my doc and got zoloft for my anxiety. My feeling was that I could talk myself through the hormonal highs and lows with my first kid, but now I have a toddler to deal with on top of a newborn and postpartum hormone bullshit. I just needed extra help.

And I don't expect this to change how you feel, but in every photo I've ever seen of you, you've looked beautiful and never fat. I also am anxious about my pregnancy weight and not loving what I see in the mirror, but I keep trying to remind myself that it just takes time for it to come off. I'm a big hypocrite here, but you look lovely and you just had two kids back to back so give yourself a break. As I type that I'm also reminding myself. I'm not five minutes out from cropping my body out of a 1000 family photos we just had taken.

Good luck with the sleep lady. Hang in there. It is so hard, but you're doing a great job.

Anonymous said...

For what it is worth, I think you are such an amazing person...even though I do not know you. You are trying to do right for everyone, even at the sake of yourself. But, if you aren't whole, then you can't begin to make sure your kids are whole. Also, like the above poster, in every photo I have ever seen of are beautiful. Take Care.

Jenny said...

I run s specialist sleep consultancy in the UK, we provide such consultants. It is expensive but if the person you get is on a par with ours it will be money well spent. Poor old Mums get a rough deal in the whole bringing up baby challenge. We should be allowed to get professional help when we need it. Good luck with it all, if you need more help look up

Just Jen said...

Wow! What great feedback, and I could not agree more with these comments. You are smart, witty, beautiful, and a great mother. You need to do what is best for YOU. I can totally relate to this post nearly word for word. Being a Mom is the toughest (and most rewarding) job ever, let alone working full time, holding up the fort,and being a loving wife... all while sleep deprived!

Always know that I am here for you. Love and miss you lots. XOXOXO

serenity said...

Just catching up, hon. Ugh. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, but you've gotten some really good comments thus far.

Sleep deprivation sucks, no two ways about it. Consultant sounds good and fine. And I third the discussion about PPD with your OB's office, too. Here's hoping you get some relief SOON.

You really ARE doing great, even though it doesn't feel that way. Just hang in there.


justine said...

I agree with the other commenters that being a mom is the hardest job in the world, especially on no sleep. I'm glad that you're going to take care of you ... when you're in a better place, you will be able to better deal with the rest of the crap that is preventing you from experiencing the life you want to live! *hugs* to you ... you're doing great.

Janey981 said...

I just want to say parenting two little ones is such hard work. You are entitled to help and sleep. A good friend one said to me, "Don't make decisions in times of desolation." So I think it's a great idea to get some help with the sleep, do what you need to do to get back some you-time and give things time to get better. Thinking of you x

Jem said...

Please know that you are NOT alone. There's a whole community out here rooting for you. I know that there isn't much we can do directly except to support you and reassure you that you are not alone. Ever.

Oh, and encourage you to take a hot bubble bath, light candles and take care of yourself!!


-From LFCA

Anonymous said...

Il semble que vous soyez un expert dans ce domaine, vos remarques sont tres interessantes, merci.

- Daniel