Friday, December 24, 2010

Cancer

Christmas eve, 2010... My father in law has been diagnosed with three cancerous brain tumors. 

He's been given 3 months to a year to live.

We are completely gutted. 

My husband is devastated. My heart is shattering to see him so completely heartbroken.  His dad is his hero. His best friend.  His dad is a good man.  This is wrong, all wrong. 

My kids won't know their grandpa. A man who loves them so very much.

Christmas will be in the hospital this year, and it's likely our last one together with him. 

I don't know what to do. I've never been through anything like this before.  I feel useless. I feel helpless.  I feel scared. I'm so so so sad. 

I wanted this to be a good Christmas, Lincoln's first.

Things had been looking up.  Steve and I were doing better. He was his old self again, lovable, happy, joking, caring - I was so excited about that. I was feeling better. I was getting help with Lincoln's sleep problems. Things were going to get better. I felt hope. 

How dare I to have felt hope.

I want to fix it but I can't. I want to say all the right things but I don't know what to say.  I want it all to go away.

It feels really bad right now.

How do I go through this?

12 comments:

Esperanza said...

I'm so sorry for this news on Christmas. It must be devastating. I've never been through anything like that and even if I did have the words, they would bring you know comfort I'm sure. Please know that you and your family are in my heart and in my thoughts. I am so sorry.

planningdoesntwork said...

Motherfucker.
There is nothing useful or comforting that I could say that would make you feel better right now, so I just offer a nasty curse for cancer.

And I'm thinking of you and your family.
planningdoesntwork (I now show up on comments as MSW)

planningdoesntwork said...

I thought I was MSW. Whatever.

Just Jen said...

What a shocker. Really it is.

Not sure why bad things happen to good people... I have no good advice to offer, just make the most of each moment.

Lots of love to you guys. We're thinking of you. xo

runnyyolk said...

Oh my god, I'm so sorry.

Anonymous said...

Good lord, I am so very sorry.

JJ said...

I am so, so sorry Tara--will be thinking of you and your family.

Alicia said...

I'm so sorry, Tara. So sorry. My mother lost both her uncle and her father on separate Christmas Eves. Simply devestating.

I wish him no pain; I wish you and Steve strength.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I am so sorry that you are being thrown another curve ball. You are strong and will get through it.

Lulu said...

Here from LFCA. So sorry to hear of this awful diagnosis. Sending love and grace your way.

cowgirltn said...

I will send prayers for a miracle.

Mama2Bee said...

Here from LFCA too. I'm so so sorry to hear your devastating news. My eldest brother is currently fighting cancer. We aren't sure if he has days or a few months left with us. It's so hard to process emotionally. Really hard. Wishing you all the strength and support that you and your family need at this very difficult time.