Friday, December 17, 2010

Since yesterday...

Well I've gone ahead and starting making changes.  Why wait for January, right?  I'll have a head start on all the resolutioners. 

Sleep consultant is paid for and booked.  Got an email from her and filled out my client history sheet.  I now wait for my phone appointment for our in depth interview and then my much awaited sleep plan sometime thereafter. 

I did not consult with my husband prior to booking her. I know he doesn't see the problem as being as dire as I do - he thinks "we" are making progress so "we" should keep on with what "we" are doing.  When I told him I had spent the money and booked her I was met with the expected passive aggressive response.  Whatever.

Then... after reading all your comments on my last post, I started putting some serious thought into the possibility that I might be suffering from some mental health problems - namely PPD.  Jeez, you guys, I really did not want to go there.  I've been ignoring those suggestions for a while now.  I just kept thinking that once things got better, I would feel better.  But I see that things aren't going to be "better" for a while yet.  And besides, I've had some pretty wicked anxiety attacks lately, along with stupid thoughts, self doubt, guilt, fear, blah blah blah.  All the hallmarks of depression.  I had sworn years ago that I would never go back on antidepressants (having spent most of my 20's on them), but your comments got me thinking about it and that maybe it might not be such a bad idea to get me though the short term.

So I made an appointment and went to see my doc today.

He doesn't feel that I have PPD, but that I do have "regular" depression. Meh, half a dozen of one, six of the other. Not sure what the big diff is but whatever the case, he's prescribed me some antidepressants and I got a side order of Ativan for those tough nights when I'm laying in bed with a racing heart and racing thoughts.  He offered me 0.5mg tablets but I told him he better make them 1mg.  I'm no rookie to this. 

We had a talk about Lincoln's sleeping.  He suggested I hire the particular sleep consultant that I have already hired - which made me feel good about my decision to do that. He said he hired her for both his children. He asked what exactly is happening and I told him Lincoln is awake on average 6 times per night and has a couple of 30 minute naps per day.  He asked if my husband helps out at all.  I told him "Yes, he gets up one of those six times in the night".  He said, "Well your husband is going to have to step up - and you can tell him I said that.  He is going to be doing a lot of the work when you get the sleep training plan and he might as well get used to that idea now.

Oh how I wish the doc could have told Steve that himself instead of me telling him.  Steve bristled when I relayed the message and then suddenly had to hang up the phone.  I've spoken with him since and he's changed his tune, saying he'll do whatever needs to be done to help.  We'll see.  Talk is cheap.

I'm hoping the antidepressants are going to help me think more clearly, feel stronger emotionally, allow myself to feel less guilt, and not not let stupid little things - like Steve's inability to experience empathy - bother me.

Next up?  I'm either getting a GC for the running shoes I asked for for Christmas or I will be taking more money from our line of credit (that I'm not supposed to use) and buying them myself.  I want to take up running again.  Running made me feel good and I could blare my music nice and loud and just escape, alone, for a while. 

(I've said this before but I love you all so very much and do not know where I would be without you.  Thank you so much for caring and for taking the time to post your so very thoughtful and helpful and supportive comments.  I send a big hug and kiss to each and every one of you.)


Anonymous said...

I'm so glad to read this. I had meant to comment on your previous post, but forgot. I agree that it sounds like PPD. I had it and it sucked. Sucked the life out of everything. It got markedly better with medication and sleep.

I hope that your husband sees that you need help. You can't and shouldn't do this all by yourself. I also hope that your appointment with the sleep lady goes well. I bet it is such a relief to know that she's on the way.

You will get through this. And, it will be so much better. I promise.

Me said...

Tara, I am very proud of you for taking the steps required to get you back to yourself again. It takes lots of courage to do what you did. You are one kickass chick!

I'm always here for you, don't every forget that. Babysitter, shit talker, stroller buddy and definately your running buddy!

You are a very special person and I am extremely lucky to have had met you.

Love you lots :)

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Good for you for taking care of yourself and taking care of Lincoln. Think about it this way -- you would hire a tutor in a heartbeat if your child had a problem in school. Sleep is something they need to learn and just as you can tutor some subjects on your own without calling in a tutor, for others, it's more important to get the help than plug away at the problem on your own. There are no points at the end of life for doing things on your own vs. getting help.

Sending good thoughts that the antidepressants and the exercise in the future take care of the emotional side of things.

Elizabeth said...

Here from LFCA - I have a little one with the same wretched sleep patterns and am also about done for. We just started a new sleep training strategy on the advice of our 2-day-a-week nanny (yes, paid help - I feel as guilty about it as you do! But we'll be so much better off for it!). So glad that you are taking steps. I hope your husband will really "get it" and HEAR what you are saying to him! Hang in there! Big hugs from across the ether!