Lately Ruby's naps have gone from a couple of hour-and-a-half long naps during the day to a couple of 30 minute naps during the day. In between those naps she's sometimes really fussy - which I think is probably because she is tired and needs to nap more. I do all that I can to keep her happy / stimulated / entertained / learning / comforted / etc. but some days it just feels like it's not enough. Some days, no matter what I do she is only happy for a few minutes at a time and then she gets cranky.
Today was one of those days and boy did it wear me down. Or maybe the whole situation has been gradually wearing me down which made me feel extra shitty today.
I spent the day trying to either entertain her or trying to put her to sleep. Blanket? Soother? Sit on mommy's knee? Lay down? Sit up? Bumbo? Jumperoo? Swing? Eat? Talk to mommy? Lay in mommy's arms? Tummy time?
Finally at about 3pm, I strapped her into her stroller and we started walking towards Steve's work. It's a good distance for exercise and he was off at 4:30pm so I thought we'd walk there and get a ride home with him.
I stopped at Blockbuster and rented a couple of movies on my way. I rented them because I haven't seen a movie in a long time and I really wanted to do ~something~ tonight that was sorta adult and was a bit of an escape for me (after Ruby goes to bed). But then I felt mad at myself for spending $12 on two movies when I know damn well that it is like pulling teeth to drag Steve away from the sports channel and to convince him to watch a movie with me. And it is also the fastest way to get him to fall asleep. I swear he barely makes it through the opening credits. And then I will sit by myself and watch a movie while he snores and drools on the couch and then I will feel lonely.
So I was stewing about that along the way when I came upon the remnants of the Vaisakhi parade. And it was kind of like swimming upstream as the attendees of the parade walked in the opposite direction. And I felt like they were all glaring at me. Shooting me dirty looks. People wouldn't shuffle off to the side of the sidewalk to let me pass with my stroller and I had to keep stopping and pulling over while everyone glared at me for some unknown reason. I wondered if they maybe didn't have a good time at their celebration this year or if I was crashing their party.... or if I was imagining it because I was feeling worn down mentally (which was most likely the case).
When I finally got to Steve's work he was waiting for me with the car running. He took one look at me and said, "Everything ok?" And my response was to burst into tears.
Do you know how stupid I feel when I am crying my eyes out and he asks me "what is wrong" and I say, "I don't know."?
But I think I do know and I am just having a hard time admitting it...
I think I might need a break. I want to be a good mom and do everything for Ruby. I love her so much it hurts. And I have a really hard time being away from her - I miss her SO.MUCH. when she's not with me. And I feel bad admitting that maybe I need a break from her. It would be really hard for me to say that I need a day/night to just be Tara and go do something non-Ruby-related. But it is possible that it might be what I need. And if that is what I need and it's ok to do that then why do I feel bad about it? I know I shouldn't but I can't help it.
I talked to my mom tonight and even though I covered up my craptacular mood, she must have sensed it because she inquired. And so I told her that Ruby has just been a lot more work lately and I'm feeling a bit worn down mentally. She suggested that maybe it's time that Ruby had a day at Grandma's house without me and that she also stay the night there. She said that she would also expect that I don't lay in bed and cry all night because I don't have Ruby - which is what I think I might do. My mom says that I cannot live my entire life around Ruby and that I still need time to be myself. She says I will be a better mom if I get away from being a mommy every once in a while. And that it will be better for Ruby too so that she gets to see different people and do different things otherwise she will be too attached to me and won't be able to *attend kindergarten without bringing her stuffed elephant with her every day of the year for comfort.
And then if I did have time to myself... I wonder what the hell would I do anyways? I don't even know what I would enjoy anymore. Oh I fantasize about going downtown and going somewhere fun for cocktails and some appies and then maybe going somewhere to listen to some live music - but I wouldn't even know where to go anymore. Where to people of my "vintage" go to have fun?
I also fantasize about maybe throwing myself a birthday party in a couple of weeks and having a big BBQ on the deck, complete with friends and food and drinks and music and patio lanterns. But that would actually depend on people showing up. And people around here are so fickle about doing stuff. People live all over the place and people are busy and who knows how many people would actually show up. I would sure feel pretty sorry for myself if I got Grandma to take Ruby for the night and I sat on my deck by myself because nobody could make it.
And then there's a bit of a self esteem issue. I'm working damn hard at losing this baby belly but fuck it's coming off slowly. Not sure how that fits into this post but while I'm feeling shitty about myself I might as well throw that in as well.
I did manage to get to the spa a couple of weekends back but it was only for a couple of hours and it didn't quite do the trick. I can't really afford to go back either.
Anyways, I've wandered all over the place with this post and I'm not sure what I'm trying to accomplish with it other than to try to figure out what I need to do to feel better. Get some sort of release. Feel less guilt about needing a day off. Figure out how to recharge.
I might add that I am normally a very happy person of late. Since having Ruby I have never felt happier or clearer or more at peace in the world. She makes me so happy. It's just that sometimes....
*I was so sad to leave my mom when I went to kindergarten that I had to bring my stuffed elephant with me every single day of the school year or I would bawl my eyes out. The elephant is even in my kindergarten class photo.