Daycare was a bust. Ruby cried all day and refused to nap and therefore prevented the other kids from napping. She clung to the daycare lady all day and hung from her pant leg when she wasn't being carried. This is so out of character for my girl - she's so independent. Breaks my heart.
I got yelled at at work yesterday. Yes, because apparently I am five years old. My boss was helping me figure out which printer was which and when I realized that I sent my print jobs to the broken printer, I went to clean out that print queue and she yelled at me and flipped out thinking I might delete some important print job of hers. Except I don't have her print jobs in my print queue - and each job is clearly labeled with my name and the time that I sent the print job to the printer. Then she felt dumb and stomped out of my office.
I don't have a lunch today because I didn't have the fucking energy to do fuck all when I finally got home last night. Guess I'm buying lunch today. And maybe a cup of coffee while I'm at it... the coffee tastes like it is directly filtered in from the sewage treatment plant that is just down the street from my new office. The air is lovely here...
Today has to be better. It has to be...
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Sunday, December 6, 2009
The end of an era
I go back to work tomorrow. After having a whole year off.
Everything has changed with my job - including location, office, bosses, coworkers and the actual work itself. And the only person who knows how to do my job resides halfway across the country and her boss doesn't feel that it's necessary to fly her out here to retrain me.
Awesome.
One good thing is that Mondays are Steve's regular day off. So at least on my first day back I don't have to worry about daycare and all that shit. I can save that for my second day.
I feel like tonight is dragging on forever. Like I've got something looming over my head and I just want to get there and deal with it so I can feel better but time is dragging and I just have nothing to do but sit here and think about shit.
Of course there's lots I SHOULD be doing to get ready for tomorrow - like figure out what to wear, do laundry, make my lunch, get Ruby's daycare bag ready for Tuesday... but... ugh... the anxiety, it paralyzes me a bit.
And it's nothing that I won't tackle and deal with and kick ass at... no, I know I'll do fine. It's just the anticipation of it all. It's the contemplating how my life is so drastically going to change overnight. Literally.
Also, my heart is heavy for Cece. If you haven't already, go visit her and give her some love and support. She is dealing with the unimaginable right now.
Everything has changed with my job - including location, office, bosses, coworkers and the actual work itself. And the only person who knows how to do my job resides halfway across the country and her boss doesn't feel that it's necessary to fly her out here to retrain me.
Awesome.
One good thing is that Mondays are Steve's regular day off. So at least on my first day back I don't have to worry about daycare and all that shit. I can save that for my second day.
I feel like tonight is dragging on forever. Like I've got something looming over my head and I just want to get there and deal with it so I can feel better but time is dragging and I just have nothing to do but sit here and think about shit.
Of course there's lots I SHOULD be doing to get ready for tomorrow - like figure out what to wear, do laundry, make my lunch, get Ruby's daycare bag ready for Tuesday... but... ugh... the anxiety, it paralyzes me a bit.
And it's nothing that I won't tackle and deal with and kick ass at... no, I know I'll do fine. It's just the anticipation of it all. It's the contemplating how my life is so drastically going to change overnight. Literally.
Also, my heart is heavy for Cece. If you haven't already, go visit her and give her some love and support. She is dealing with the unimaginable right now.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Turning the corner
Can you believe I'm almost in the 2nd trimester? I'm now 12 weeks pregnant. (I'll actually consider myself to be in the 2nd trimester when I hit 13 weeks.) That went really fast. I guess that's because I have a load of other things on my mind and being pregnant isn't the foremost thing in my mind like it was the first time. Now I have a little girl to look after and she takes up most of my brain power. Not to mention getting ready to return to work, getting prepped to take her to daycare, thinking about her 1st birthday, Christmas, etc.
It's actually kind of nice to have the distractions so I don't obsess too much.
I'm feeling much better about the pregnancy now. Once again, it's not that I ever regretted becoming pregnant, it was just hard for me to get my head wrapped around something that I was convinced would never happen. I had worked hard to accept that fact. A doctor told me once that we covet and make a life out of what we have. So true. I thought Ruby was going to be an only child and so I worked hard at making that a very cool thing. I made myself accept that that was going to be our life and I made myself ok with it. Even though we did want more kids, it seemed that it wasn't in the cards. And why torment myself thinking about something that I believed I would never, could never have?
So the surprise was a big one and it was a lot to digest.
But I think I'm there now. Or getting very close to being there. Being able to talk to a few really close friends about my situation sure helped. And a chat with my midwife also really helped. She told me that what I am feeling is completely normal. That even fertile women who PLAN their second pregnancies feel a little bit detached in the beginning. Go figure.
I stepped on the scale this morning and I've only gained 6lbs. By this time when I was pregnant with Ruby I had gained 10. Actually, more than 10 if you count in the IVF 3 or 4 before I even got pregnant. That made me happy. Just not sure why I LOOK like I've gained 20lbs. I'm trying not to worry about that though, I'm just happy that my weight gain so far is 40% less than last time.
I've also officially let the cat out of the bag. Everyone I've told has been really excited and really supportive. That feels good. It feels good to not keep this big secret inside me. Everyone's happiness and excitement is very uplifting.
And so I soon move into the 2nd trimester. Feeling better about myself and about my life. Looking forward to the rest of this pregnancy.
It's actually kind of nice to have the distractions so I don't obsess too much.
I'm feeling much better about the pregnancy now. Once again, it's not that I ever regretted becoming pregnant, it was just hard for me to get my head wrapped around something that I was convinced would never happen. I had worked hard to accept that fact. A doctor told me once that we covet and make a life out of what we have. So true. I thought Ruby was going to be an only child and so I worked hard at making that a very cool thing. I made myself accept that that was going to be our life and I made myself ok with it. Even though we did want more kids, it seemed that it wasn't in the cards. And why torment myself thinking about something that I believed I would never, could never have?
So the surprise was a big one and it was a lot to digest.
But I think I'm there now. Or getting very close to being there. Being able to talk to a few really close friends about my situation sure helped. And a chat with my midwife also really helped. She told me that what I am feeling is completely normal. That even fertile women who PLAN their second pregnancies feel a little bit detached in the beginning. Go figure.
I stepped on the scale this morning and I've only gained 6lbs. By this time when I was pregnant with Ruby I had gained 10. Actually, more than 10 if you count in the IVF 3 or 4 before I even got pregnant. That made me happy. Just not sure why I LOOK like I've gained 20lbs. I'm trying not to worry about that though, I'm just happy that my weight gain so far is 40% less than last time.
I've also officially let the cat out of the bag. Everyone I've told has been really excited and really supportive. That feels good. It feels good to not keep this big secret inside me. Everyone's happiness and excitement is very uplifting.
And so I soon move into the 2nd trimester. Feeling better about myself and about my life. Looking forward to the rest of this pregnancy.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Scary
I had a midwife appointment today. And I got to hear the baby's heartbeat. It made me so happy. It made it more real and it made me excited and it was just what I needed. I even recorded it on my blackberry to play back later for Steve. It was the best feeling to be able to hear that pretty little helicopter sound (160bpm).
Then when I was driving home I got into a car accident. A semi-truck drove into the lane I was in causing the car in front of me to stop abruptly. I couldn't quite get my car stopped before I rear ended that car in front of me. Of course the semi-truck drove away (Fucker!!!). Of course because I was the poor bastard at the end of the line, I will be the one to pay. The car I hit just had a few little scratches in the bumper but you know this guy is heading straight to his buddy's body shop to have the whole car overhauled at my expense.
Ruby was with me and she cried for about 10 seconds and then stopped. I think it was just the loud bang that scared her. I checked her out and she's totally fine. I think I'm fine too but of course bad thoughts run through a girl's head. When I finally got home I thought I was having some weird tummy troubles and I was sure that something terrible had happened and that I was going to lose Junior. But now that I've had a nap and am more rational, I'm pretty sure it was just gas.
In any case, I'm going to spend the day relaxing and I won't be straining myself by doing any housework or cooking any dinner.
I'm sure that this was the Universe's way of telling me to keep it real. "Don't get too excited about anything, bitch because I can take it all away from you anytime I like."
Then when I was driving home I got into a car accident. A semi-truck drove into the lane I was in causing the car in front of me to stop abruptly. I couldn't quite get my car stopped before I rear ended that car in front of me. Of course the semi-truck drove away (Fucker!!!). Of course because I was the poor bastard at the end of the line, I will be the one to pay. The car I hit just had a few little scratches in the bumper but you know this guy is heading straight to his buddy's body shop to have the whole car overhauled at my expense.
Ruby was with me and she cried for about 10 seconds and then stopped. I think it was just the loud bang that scared her. I checked her out and she's totally fine. I think I'm fine too but of course bad thoughts run through a girl's head. When I finally got home I thought I was having some weird tummy troubles and I was sure that something terrible had happened and that I was going to lose Junior. But now that I've had a nap and am more rational, I'm pretty sure it was just gas.
In any case, I'm going to spend the day relaxing and I won't be straining myself by doing any housework or cooking any dinner.
I'm sure that this was the Universe's way of telling me to keep it real. "Don't get too excited about anything, bitch because I can take it all away from you anytime I like."
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Eye Opener
I return to work in a week and a half. In preparation, I took Ruby to visit her daycare today to get her used to the place before she's there four days a week.
This is the daycare that I fell in love with, that was run by the nicest sweetest lady who is about my age and who was great with the kids. She was warm and friendly and I felt so good about taking Ruby there.
Well, she's still all that but it wasn't quite all fluff and love today. When she found out that Ruby still takes two naps a day she advised me that that was soon to stop because all her daycare kids nap at the same time - noon. No exceptions.
She also lectured me a bit about Ruby's eating habits when I told her Ruby doesn't eat much. I told her the doctor said it was nothing to worry about and she told me that yeah, doctors will say that. But that I needed to keep offering her different foods or else she would one day be nine and only eat 10 things like her friend's kid. Except that I do offer her different foods. And she eats them. Just only a few bites and then she's bored with it or uninterested or whatever. It's not that she doesn't like the food - so don't go making assumptions. Thank you.
She also has a big fluffy dog that wasn't present when I went to view the daycare the first two times. I mean, I'm totally ok with Ruby being around a dog - in fact I'd like her to grow up around animals, it's just that he was laying in the middle of the room, amongst the toys and he smelled a little bit doggy. I could see that he's obviously fantastic with kids and I have no worries about Ruby's safety, it's just that... he's a big, fluffy, slightly smelly dog, laying in the middle of the toys... I don't know. I just didn't know he was part of the package.
Oh, and when I left she gave me a calendar for the month of December noting all the days that the daycare is closed. What the fuck am I supposed to do on those days? Seriously. What do people do? I'm totally new to this.
I know that all of this is pretty minor stuff and I still feel good about the daycare. I think I was just a little bit sensitive going in. I thought I would be totally ok with it because I feel ready and I think Ruby is ready, but I started getting a bit fluttery in the chest and I got tears in my eyes a couple of times, thinking about the adjustments we are going to make. And so with the nap comment and the eating comments... just... bah.
On the bright side, Ruby really seemed to like it there. She was interested in the other kids and she liked the different toys and she was all chatty and moving around the room and probably forgot that dear old Mom was even there at all.
We go back next week for another visit before she starts going full time on December 8th. I can see that this is not going to be as easy as I thought or hoped it would be. I'm a big fucking sensitive wuss right now.
This is the daycare that I fell in love with, that was run by the nicest sweetest lady who is about my age and who was great with the kids. She was warm and friendly and I felt so good about taking Ruby there.
Well, she's still all that but it wasn't quite all fluff and love today. When she found out that Ruby still takes two naps a day she advised me that that was soon to stop because all her daycare kids nap at the same time - noon. No exceptions.
She also lectured me a bit about Ruby's eating habits when I told her Ruby doesn't eat much. I told her the doctor said it was nothing to worry about and she told me that yeah, doctors will say that. But that I needed to keep offering her different foods or else she would one day be nine and only eat 10 things like her friend's kid. Except that I do offer her different foods. And she eats them. Just only a few bites and then she's bored with it or uninterested or whatever. It's not that she doesn't like the food - so don't go making assumptions. Thank you.
She also has a big fluffy dog that wasn't present when I went to view the daycare the first two times. I mean, I'm totally ok with Ruby being around a dog - in fact I'd like her to grow up around animals, it's just that he was laying in the middle of the room, amongst the toys and he smelled a little bit doggy. I could see that he's obviously fantastic with kids and I have no worries about Ruby's safety, it's just that... he's a big, fluffy, slightly smelly dog, laying in the middle of the toys... I don't know. I just didn't know he was part of the package.
Oh, and when I left she gave me a calendar for the month of December noting all the days that the daycare is closed. What the fuck am I supposed to do on those days? Seriously. What do people do? I'm totally new to this.
I know that all of this is pretty minor stuff and I still feel good about the daycare. I think I was just a little bit sensitive going in. I thought I would be totally ok with it because I feel ready and I think Ruby is ready, but I started getting a bit fluttery in the chest and I got tears in my eyes a couple of times, thinking about the adjustments we are going to make. And so with the nap comment and the eating comments... just... bah.
On the bright side, Ruby really seemed to like it there. She was interested in the other kids and she liked the different toys and she was all chatty and moving around the room and probably forgot that dear old Mom was even there at all.
We go back next week for another visit before she starts going full time on December 8th. I can see that this is not going to be as easy as I thought or hoped it would be. I'm a big fucking sensitive wuss right now.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Big First
Ruby took her first unassisted steps tonight.
She's been walking around while holding onto furniture for a while but tonight she let go of the furniture and took a couple of steps on her own.
Wow. I am amazed at how special this is to me and how amazing it feels. One year ago I didn't have a clue how cool and rewarding this life would be.
She's been walking around while holding onto furniture for a while but tonight she let go of the furniture and took a couple of steps on her own.
Wow. I am amazed at how special this is to me and how amazing it feels. One year ago I didn't have a clue how cool and rewarding this life would be.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
New Perspective
The first trimester can be a very lonely place. Especially if you are experiencing an unexpected pregnancy and are trying to find your way. It is difficult to figure out how your life is going to look when you suddenly find out it's not at all going to be what you thought. (Particularly if you are a planner and a control freak, like myself) I feel happy and excited and elated over being pregnant "naturally", however there are a lot of other factors that make it hard to just enjoy that happiness and excitement. And while we want/need to keep it a secret for the first 3 months, nobody knowing and having nobody to talk to can make it seem like you're all alone with your troubles.
I have written a few posts lately, talking about some of the things that I have had difficulty with. Some of the stuff I'm trying to process and figure out. I understand that it is hard for some people to comprehend my feelings. I wanted to clarify (again), that I am not ungrateful or unhappy in any way for the gift I have been given, I am just trying to work out my feelings surrounding it. Please don't mistake my recent posts for anything other than that.
That being said, I wanted to mention that after talking to a few very wise women lately, I have been able to process some stuff and am feeling better today than I have in a long time.
In regards to my job and my career - a good friend reminded me that I am just coming off maternity leave and it would be natural for me to be excited to go back to work. And perhaps I have romanticized it somewhat - thinking of dressing up, drinking coffee, chatting around the water cooler, doing my job. But as she reminded me, I'm very lucky because after about 6 months I am going to be tired of all the bullshit once again and I will be happy to have another break! Probably true. And a co-worker friend pretty much reaffirmed that last night. Things are not all rosy, people are assholes, there are lots of pot holes, the work isn't straight forward, the coffee tastes like shit, and my new boss is bi-polar. I'm sure 6 months will be plenty of time for me to get sick of work and be ready for maternity leave again. Also mentioned? I have options. I don't HAVE to take the whole year. I can also perhaps do some part time stuff, or some work from home stuff. Options, I have options. I like options.
In regards to my weight - I have been feeling depressed about the fact that while I lost the weight I gained with my first pregnancy, I was overweight to begin with and would have liked to lose a lot more before ever getting pregnant again. But a wise girlfriend put that in a different light for me... She told me that if I had lost the weight I wanted and then got pregnant again, I would be fucking PISSED that I did all that work and now I was going to get big and round again. And she's right. Oh I would be so upset if I had worked my ass off and got thin and then my body started growing again. Like she said, there would never have been a "perfect" time. So true! And so I will be relatively the same as I was with Ruby and when the baby is born, I am ALL done and I can work on improving myself without having to worry about if I'm ever going to do it again (I'M NOT!). I am looking forward to next summer when the baby is here and I can start working on me a little bit. Until then, I will just do my best to work with what I've got.
I cannot say how grateful I am for having such wise and wonderful women in my life. It has sure helped to lift my mood and give me other perspectives to look at. I feel at peace today, for the first time in a long time. I feel hopeful and positive and I hope that the feeling lasts.
I have written a few posts lately, talking about some of the things that I have had difficulty with. Some of the stuff I'm trying to process and figure out. I understand that it is hard for some people to comprehend my feelings. I wanted to clarify (again), that I am not ungrateful or unhappy in any way for the gift I have been given, I am just trying to work out my feelings surrounding it. Please don't mistake my recent posts for anything other than that.
That being said, I wanted to mention that after talking to a few very wise women lately, I have been able to process some stuff and am feeling better today than I have in a long time.
In regards to my job and my career - a good friend reminded me that I am just coming off maternity leave and it would be natural for me to be excited to go back to work. And perhaps I have romanticized it somewhat - thinking of dressing up, drinking coffee, chatting around the water cooler, doing my job. But as she reminded me, I'm very lucky because after about 6 months I am going to be tired of all the bullshit once again and I will be happy to have another break! Probably true. And a co-worker friend pretty much reaffirmed that last night. Things are not all rosy, people are assholes, there are lots of pot holes, the work isn't straight forward, the coffee tastes like shit, and my new boss is bi-polar. I'm sure 6 months will be plenty of time for me to get sick of work and be ready for maternity leave again. Also mentioned? I have options. I don't HAVE to take the whole year. I can also perhaps do some part time stuff, or some work from home stuff. Options, I have options. I like options.
In regards to my weight - I have been feeling depressed about the fact that while I lost the weight I gained with my first pregnancy, I was overweight to begin with and would have liked to lose a lot more before ever getting pregnant again. But a wise girlfriend put that in a different light for me... She told me that if I had lost the weight I wanted and then got pregnant again, I would be fucking PISSED that I did all that work and now I was going to get big and round again. And she's right. Oh I would be so upset if I had worked my ass off and got thin and then my body started growing again. Like she said, there would never have been a "perfect" time. So true! And so I will be relatively the same as I was with Ruby and when the baby is born, I am ALL done and I can work on improving myself without having to worry about if I'm ever going to do it again (I'M NOT!). I am looking forward to next summer when the baby is here and I can start working on me a little bit. Until then, I will just do my best to work with what I've got.
I cannot say how grateful I am for having such wise and wonderful women in my life. It has sure helped to lift my mood and give me other perspectives to look at. I feel at peace today, for the first time in a long time. I feel hopeful and positive and I hope that the feeling lasts.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)