Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Lately

Last week I had to take Lincoln back to the doctor because the medication he was on for his third UTI was making him very very sick.  He had explosive diarrhea, severe gas and I also assume from his screaming and back arching and kicking his legs that he had the bad stomach cramps that is also associate with that particular medication. My doctor told me that he had sent the pediatric urologist another referral telling him that Lincoln was an emergency and we need him seen before November 29th. 

Then on Thursday I saw what my boy would be like if he wasn't sick with a UTI or having his insides explode from medication.  Oh he was sweet, and happy, and laughing and not fussy and NOT screaming in pain.  It was pure bliss.  I had the best day on Thursday. 

Friday he started being fussy again and I phoned the urologist office myself leaving a message begging for him to be seen ASAP as I know he is going to get sick again and it's only a matter of time.  I phoned two more times on Friday only to get voice mail and have yet to hear back.

Saturday the screaming started again so I packed him up and made the drive to Children's Hospital. Two separate pediatricians looked at him and both immediately said he has phimosis (foreskin too tight) and they felt that was likely the reason for the infections.  I saw him pee and his penis ballooned up with urine before the pee came out so I could see how that would force urine back up into his plumbing - causing infections. 

The good news is that it may not be kidney reflux.  The bad news is that he may need to be circumcised - which I know is a touchy, opinionated subject for some people. I'm not particularly interested in where you stand on that issue either, I didn't want my son circumcised.  End.

The pediatricians told me that having an appointment with the urologist on the 29th is already really soon and there is pretty much no chance that we would be getting in any earlier (which explains why the pediatric urologist's office hasn't returned my calls). In the meantime I have some cortisone to apply a few times a day in hopes of loosening up the skin, and giving him a slight chance of avoiding circumcision.

And it turns out he didn't have another UTI.  But maybe you can understand why at the first sign of pain I threw him in the van and headed to the emergency room.  3 UTIs in 7 or 8 weeks is too many.  And I'm pretty stressy.  I'm on edge waiting for the next UTI to materialize. 

It's taking a fairly substantial toll on this household.  Steve and I are at each other's throats too much. Steve is afraid of being left alone with Lincoln in case he has one of his screaming fits - which means that I don't get time alone to do... much of anything.  Taking 10 minutes for a shower sometimes seems like I'm asking for the world.  Steve's life goes on relatively unaffected and I feel resentful and unappreciated.  Ruby is acting out and cries "Mommy up!" every time Lincoln squeaks because she doesn't want me to go to him.  I'm exhausted from all that and other issues that are pressing - such as my parents marriage (why is that being dumped on me anyways?), my dad's alcoholism / drug addiction / personality deterioration (he is a wreck and destroying any joy of spending family time together), my own self esteem (WHY won't my weight come off???), my loneliness (having a social life was hard with one baby - it's nonexistent with two - especially when one is sick), my job (have I posted about that disaster? I can't remember) and so on...

I know I'm the mom and it's my job to care for my kids no matter what sacrifices it takes and I'm fully on board with that. I also appreciate all that I have in the world and I know how fortunate I am.  I have been really working hard on being positive and being a good person and putting good karma out into the world. 

Some days, though? Some days I wonder if I'm going to make it through.  Yes, I know I will.  I'm tough and I'm resiliant and I love my kids so much and that gives me more strength than I could have ever imagined. But some days... some days just make me question everything. 

1 comment:

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I am so so sorry all this is happening! I'm with you on so many levels. I just want to let you know I'm thinking of you. I go no words of wisdom other than maybe you and I can run away together at some point if only just temporarily!