I am ready to lose my shit.
Lincoln no longer eats every two hours through the night. He's now eating every hour or less. Which means I am barely getting back to sleep before he wakes up again. One night of that would suck and then you'd recover and get on with life but it's been going for almost a week or more like that. My patience is so fucking thin I feel like I could snap. I am so close to snapping.
Ok, maybe I have snapped once or twice. Screaming at the top of my lungs and punching the wall. In front of my kids. I'm a fucking loser.
Ruby is repeating repeating repeating repeating herself in a high pitched voice. She wants to wash her hands or brush her teeth over and over and over and I am trying to put Lincoln down for a nap and/or make him stop crying/screaming. She gets frustrated when she can't have my immediate attention and she just stood in front of me and pour out her water onto the carpet - one of her favorite tricks. She wants to smash the computer or my blackberry or the telephone - because she knows it rattles me. I feel sorry for her because I am so frazzled and short with her sometimes. I hate myself for that. It's not her fault.
I put him in the bassinet two nights ago because I thought he could maybe smell my milk or maybe we were waking him up every time one of us rolled over in bed or whatever. He was still up every hour or less and I thought maybe it was because he is grossly too big for the bassinet and he couldn't move around. Yesterday I drove an hour to my parents house to pick up the pack'n'play. Tried that last night will even less luck.
I'm constantly, desperately trying to search for an answer
I tried starting him with some formula to get him to go longer between feeds at night. Two nights ago I gave him a bottle of formula before bed and he didn't wake up for 3.5 hours which I thought was a HUGE success. Too bad the rest of the night he was up every 45 minutes. Last night, tired of breastfeeding all night, I gave him a big bottle of formula which he finished at 4am. At 4:55am he was up again and wanting more food from me.
I don't think it's hunger. I think he doesn't know how to sooth himself and needs me to sooth him back to sleep every time he wakes. I also don't know if he's in pain or not with another UTI. I'm so tired of guessing what's wrong.
I am so tired in the night and I get so fucking frustrated when I'm up so often when I need sleep so bad. Bad thoughts go through my head. I have considered (however briefly and not lucidly) leaving. I thought I could just go get in my van and drive away. Leave Steve with the kids. Everyone would be fine I'm sure. When he cries in the night I want so hit something. I want to punch Steve in his sleeping, fucking face.
I feel alone. Nobody can help me. I am afraid to show my frustration and exhaustion to Steve because it seems to annoy him. He just wants things to be happy and great and when *I* am the cause of it not being happy and great he becomes quiet and distant with me. When I am reduced to a crumpled pile of sobs and tears on the side of the couch at the end of the day he completely and utterly ignores me - either browsing Facebook or watching TV - on the other side of the couch.
Lincoln's urologist appt is on Monday and it can't come soon enough. I want things to be better. Once I know what is wrong with him maybe I can figure the rest out. I am so afraid of where I'm at right now. I'm scared and tired and depressed and fragile and can not seem to solve this problem on my own no matter how hard I try.