Wednesday, November 24, 2010


I am ready to lose my shit. 

Lincoln no longer eats every two hours through the night.  He's now eating every hour or less.  Which means I am barely getting back to sleep before he wakes up again. One night of that would suck and then you'd recover and get on with life but it's been going for almost a week or more like that.  My patience is so fucking thin I feel like I could snap.  I am so close to snapping. 

Ok, maybe I have snapped once or twice.  Screaming at the top of my lungs and punching the wall.  In front of my kids.  I'm a fucking loser. 

Ruby is repeating repeating repeating repeating herself in a high pitched voice.  She wants to wash her hands or brush her teeth over and over and over and I am trying to put Lincoln down for a nap and/or make him stop crying/screaming. She gets frustrated when she can't have my immediate attention and she just stood in front of me and pour out her water onto the carpet - one of her favorite tricks. She wants to smash the computer or my blackberry or the telephone - because she knows it rattles me. I feel sorry for her because I am so frazzled and short with her sometimes.  I hate myself for that.  It's not her fault. 

I put him in the bassinet two nights ago because I thought he could maybe smell my milk or maybe we were waking him up every time one of us rolled over in bed or whatever.  He was still up every hour or less and I thought maybe it was because he is grossly too big for the bassinet and he couldn't move around.  Yesterday I drove an hour to my parents house to pick up the pack'n'play.  Tried that last night will even less luck.

I'm constantly, desperately trying to search for an answer

 I tried starting him with some formula to get him to go longer between feeds at night. Two nights ago I gave him a bottle of formula before bed and he didn't wake up for 3.5 hours which I thought was a HUGE success.  Too bad the rest of the night he was up every 45 minutes.  Last night, tired of breastfeeding all night, I gave him a big bottle of formula which he finished at 4am. At 4:55am he was up again and wanting more food from me.

I don't think it's hunger. I think he doesn't know how to sooth himself and needs me to sooth him back to sleep every time he wakes.  I also don't know if he's in pain or not with another UTI.  I'm so tired of guessing what's wrong.

I am so tired in the night and I get so fucking frustrated when I'm up so often when I need sleep so bad.  Bad thoughts go through my head.  I have considered (however briefly and not lucidly) leaving.  I thought I could just go get in my van and drive away. Leave Steve with the kids.  Everyone would be fine I'm sure.  When he cries in the night I want so hit something.  I want to punch Steve in his sleeping, fucking face.
I feel alone.  Nobody can help me.  I am afraid to show my frustration and exhaustion to Steve because it seems to annoy him.  He just wants things to be happy and great and when *I* am the cause of it not being happy and great he becomes quiet and distant with me.  When I am reduced to a crumpled pile of sobs and tears on the side of the couch at the end of the day he completely and utterly ignores me - either browsing Facebook or watching TV - on the other side of the couch. 

Lincoln's urologist appt is on Monday and it can't come soon enough.  I want things to be better. Once I know what is wrong with him maybe I can figure the rest out.  I am so afraid of where I'm at right now. I'm scared and tired and depressed and fragile and can not seem to solve this problem on my own no matter how hard I try.


Emily said...

I have no answers, only sympathy. That sucks. I'm sorry. Maybe he does need to start solids earlier. Have you tried putting him in the swing at night? (That helped me alot in the early days, but I know you have a different situation with him).

Maybe it's a growth spurt? But you would think it wouldn't last a week. Sounds like it's a combo of him being hungry, needing the comfort of your boob to fall back asleep, and not being able to settle himself.

It will pass. I don't know how or when, but it will.

I can't even imagine how hard it is with 2.... Sounds like some husband needs a talking to? Or a yelling at? Or a punch in the face?

Christy said...

I have been where you are at-maybe not the exact same cirumstances, but I have been there. I have 2 kids. Isaac is 30 months and Piper is 13 months - we never planned on having baby #2 so soon after #1. . . but that's life. I thought I would lose my mind and at times I think I did after Piper was born. I felt guilty at how I was treating Isaac and was frustrated with Piper for all her 'typical' newborn behaviors.
I say all that to say-it does get better. It really does. Maybe not today, tomorrow, or next week, but it does get better. Are there others you can reach out to for help? Family, friends, social services, etc.? See if someone can come stay with kids for a few hours so you can sleep, if your hubby not willing to help (which sucks). But keep the faith-your family needs you-they would not be fine without you, but you need to take care of you too!

Anonymous said...

I know this frustration - and I only have one. I can only imagine how bad it is with two! How old is Lincoln? If he's six months or more, he should be able to self-soothe at this point which means, if you can bear it, you should let him cry it out. He may go 20 minutes, he may go longer, but he must be as exhausted as you are and I bet (and I am not a betting woman) that he will start sleeping better immediately.

Many, many hugs to you. Sleep deprivation is the worst form of torture.

edenland said...

Ok, Tara? Firstly, good on you for writing this out, I hope that simple act helped a little bit.

Mate I understand - like, *really*. You know what I resorted to, at night, with my teeny baby? My iPod. Closing the door. A brisk walk around the house after I left Dave with the kids, slamming the door behind me.

THIS SUCKS. Oh this time sucks ... but I promise you - and I really, really mean it - it will get better. It will not be like this forever. Hang on, mate.

Have you ever seen a therapist? It might be good for you, right now. (I hope you don't take offence to that - I have seen therapists for many years.)

Love love love to you. XOX

Candi said...

I keep trying to tell myself that this time will not last long. People always say "Don't wish away their babyhood." Well, those people have no idea!!

Hang in there!! Even though it may not feel like it, you're doing a great job.

annacyclopedia said...

I don't have answers either, but a few thoughts: you may have already identified this more explicitly but you are describing some hallmarks of post-partum depression. I know you have struggled in the past with depression etc and maybe it's time to reach out for more help. Things really suck right now and you have so much on your plate -like you say, you can't do this alone and you shouldn't have to. I really hope that you can find the support you need - from Steve or your family or from a doctor or therapist or all of the above. I wish I was there to help with childcare or meals or something, and I wish you didn't have to struggle so much right now. xo

Oh, and re: Lincoln and the night nursing-fest - I know, I really know, how hard it is. It won't last - I promise. I think you said a while ago that he is mostly sleeping with you - as far as I'm concerned that is the easiest way to handle the night nursing. And I have to respectfully disagree with mrs x - I don't think babies really learn to self-soothe until quite a bit later. But it is important to do whatever you can to make it easier on YOU right now - so remember to count your needs in whatever decisions you are making right now. You have my support no matter what.

Hang in there. You rock and you will get through this.

Emily said...

Oh honey - this sucks monkey balls.

I TOTALLY agree with Anna - this sounds ALOT like PPD. The desire to just leave, to feel angry & frustrated - that was me 10 months ago. I let mine go untreated which lead to it getting infinitely worse and turning into psychosis and trust me you don't want to go there.

Please, please, please PLEASE go talk to your dr. There are things they can do. (And it might be a wake up call for Steve - it scared the shit out of Husbando).

Maisie fed about every 90 minutes for months so I hear ya on the sleep deprivation. Are you doing the side-lying breastfeeding hold? I literally could attach her that way and go back to sleep with my boob in her mouth.

Please don't hesitate to call me if you need to vent or talk about it. xoxox