Halfway there

Yesterday marked 20 weeks, the halfway mark. That's it??! It seems that I have a very long way to go still.

I (re)joined a gym. I cancelled my membership when I was pregnant with Ruby because we were moving and I was pregnant and I was going on mat leave and I was looking to save money and cut corners (and lets be honest, working out wasn't at the top of my list of things to do). I figured I'd get all my exercise by walking - which I did quite a bit of on mat leave. Anyways, I've been feeling quite disgusting and flubby and gross and depressed as of late. Zero energy and lots of aches and pains and headaches. At just the perfect time, a girlfriend got me a free pass to my old gym chain (new gym) for a week so I went a few times and it made me feel really good. I wanted to keep going but a new gym membership was going to be an astronomical cost and Steve didn't seem overly jazzed about me spending the cake. But I was able to swing a deal with the gym to reinstate my old membership (for a reasonable fee) because I had cancelled it less than 2 years ago and start up again with paying my old monthly dues (which are $20 per month less than new membership dues). So I feel pretty happy that I am able to do this. I haven't done anything for myself in quite some time. The new gym also has full time child minding services so that if I need to bring Ruby, I can. And after the boy is born and I'm on mat leave again, I can bring them both with me to work out during the day. Seems good to me. If my shoulders didn't ache I would pat myself on the back.

Wonder why my shoulders might be aching? Look at the jugs I'm packing around! I've always had big boobs but come on! This is ridiculous. I'm totally saving up for a reduction/reconstruction job after I'm done with feeding babies.

(20 weeks)

Oh boy!

On Wednesday (at 19 weeks) we had our "big" ultrasound. And wouldn't you know it we got another dud u/s tech... He refused to tell us ANYTHING. He told us that we needed to see my midwife to get any results and that he only takes measurements. At least with Ruby, the tech (who was also a dud) told us everything we wanted to know except the gender. So this made us a little nervous that perhaps something was wrong.

I had also put a request in to my midwife who ordered the u/s that I wanted to know the gender and to have that put in the report.

So after a day of nail biting and nervous worrying, I spoke with my midwife yesterday who told me that there is a healthy little baby in my belly! Great news and I feel so relieved. And my suspicions (since day one) were confirmed that Junior is indeed... a boy! Very exciting.

The only minor glitch was that my placenta was laying low. Not a previa but low enough that I need to repeat the scan at 30 weeks to make sure it moves. My midwife said that there is a very good chance that it will move upward with my uterus. I am not overly concerned at this point in time.

Ruby, on the other hand... she was concerned when I told her she was having a brother...

Complaint

A month after all the bullshit is over, I finally filed a complaint against the daycare that treated Ruby so shitty.

I wasn’t sure I wanted to even file a complaint because I just wanted to move on with my life and forget that shit ever happened. But numerous, NUMEROUS people who I talked to told me that I needed to make the complaint. If not for what happened to us then for the next poor little munchkin that took Ruby’s place. EVERY person I talked to told me to file a complaint.

The other reason I wasn’t keen on filing a complaint was because I didn’t want to come across as an over protective mother. I had no “evidence” that anything bad happened and I had nothing solid against the owner of the daycare.

But yesterday after my mom’s boss told her that it is my responsibility as a human being and a parent to report this woman and if I didn’t then she would – I went ahead and phoned the licensing board and made my complaint.

And… it went just as I hope it wouldn’t. After spilling my guts about all that went on, the woman in charge of licensing said, “Is this your first child?”

And I knew I was fucked.

She then went on to lecture me. “When we go back to work after having our first child we feel some guilt. We feel that we should be able to stay at home with our child. And then when they are in daycare you want them to be treated exactly the way you treat them at home and when there are differences it can be quite upsetting…”

Uh-huh… (Just get me off the fucking phone)

“Did you not interview Melissa (daycare provider) before Ruby started daycare? And did you not see any red flags? Because it is really important that you find a daycare with the same values as you.”

Uh-huh… (Just get me off the fucking phone)

“It’s just like diapering. You might like your child to have her diaper changed three times a day and the care provider might only do it twice a day. You need to find a place that does it three times a day if that’s what you want.”

Uh-huh… (Just get me off the fucking phone)

“So, then… is your complaint that she told you that she would no longer provide care for your daughter???”

NO. I’m glad she stopped providing care for my daughter. That was the best thing that she could have done.

“I guess your main complaint would be her professionalism then?”

YES!

“Ok, well just so you know we’ll go ahead and investigate this complaint and we won’t mention your name but once we discuss the situation with her she’s going to know it was you.”

I don’t care.

“Alright then, well we might be phoning you again with some more questions.”

Fine.

Goodbye.

It really sucked. And I felt shitty about it all night (and still today). Either I didn’t articulate myself properly or else the people who really should give a shit about how our children are treated – don’t. She actually made me feel stupid for making the complaint.

But I did what I could do. It’s off my chest and off my back now. I just hope that more shit and hassle doesn’t come out of this for ME than for the daycare.

Clarification

If I made myself sound like Mean Mom From Hell in my last post, I didn’t mean to. Let me clarify… Some of that post was written somewhat in jest. I was being a bit smart assy, trying to make fun of the situation. It’s not as terrible as I perhaps made it seem.

Ok, while I do agree that we need to let our babies take the lead somewhat and show us when they’re ready to do/eat/drink certain things, there does come a time when Mom has to take the reins and put some rules into place. If I let Ruby take the lead, she would drink from her bottle til she was 7 and would probably not eat anything more than yogurt and Mum Mum cookies until she was 18. If I don’t introduce new foods to her and reduce her bottles now, it is not going to get any easier for either of us. I was advised by her doctor who has two young children and has spent part of his career working in BC Children’s hospital, that if she doesn’t start reducing her milk and increasing her food, she will slowly stop developing.

To clarify, I’m not going cold turkey with her on the bottles. She still gets her bottle before bedtime, and one bottle during the day. That is plenty as far as I’m concerned. Just because it’s hard getting her to take milk from the sippy cup doesn’t mean that I should keep allowing her to take the bottle all the time. Keep in mind that other than a package of yogurt and some Cheerios in the morning, for the past 6 weeks or so milk has been her main source of calories in the day. It’s just time to change that.

There are going to be lots of things that are going to change in her life and she’s not going to like them all when they first happen (and likely nor will I). I don’t think I should give up on it until she thinks she’s ready because that may not be good for her health.

I know she’s been through a lot of changes lately and that is why I don’t mind that daycare gives her a bottle still and that she’s started sucking on her soother a bit during the day at daycare. I’m not all militant about everything. If she needs to revert backwards a bit, I don’t mind. I think that one sippy cup of milk a day is something that she needs to get used to and is reasonable for me to implement.

As for what she eats… she never did like baby food or purees. She’s always been into what I’m eating and I always give her a taste of what I’m eating. She always gets bits of our dinner, modified slightly for her. Some things she’ll nibble on, some things she throws. She throws a lot of food.

I was joking around about the wrap because wouldn’t you know it that she picked a time when I was STARVING to decide to eat what I was eating.

The girl is determined and stubborn. She has been running the show around our house for quite some time. There are going to be some battles while making some transitions that just need to be made.

Hope that all makes sense and clarifies some of the stuff I wrote in my last post without sounding snarky. Not meaning to sounds snarky at all, just wanted to clarify.

In other news… GOOD NEWS… Ruby had a really good eating day yesterday. Funny thing though, she will only eat East Indian food! My Indian girlfriend sent me some kichari (Indian dish with lentils, rice, peas, carrots) that her mother made and Ruby LOVES it. When we had our last eating strike a couple of months ago, it was the kichari that got her eating again so my girlfriend brought me another batch. Ruby eats and eats and eats it. She ate it at daycare yesterday and then was mad when it was gone! So “P” (daycare lady) gave her some of her daal and home made yogurt (P is also East Indian). It was a little bit spicy and in the end Ruby’s eyes were watering but she went nuts for it! P’s husband saw what she was eating and how much she loved it and asked P if one of Ruby’s parents was Indian! (The kid couldn’t be any whiter). We have decided that Ruby was an East Indian in her past life and we have started calling her Rubinder.

So it's not that she's not ready to eat. It's that she's fussy and we just need to persist and get her pallet used to different foods. For now, kichari will help get us through bottle weaning. One step backwards, two steps forward. Some progress is being made. I may spend the weekend cooking Indian food and get stocked up for my little Rubinder.

War

War is being waged in my home. Ruby is NOT impressed with her new eating/sippy cup routine and I am learning what a nasty little temper she has.

When I dropped her off at daycare yesterday I told "P" of the new routine. She was all for trying it out. But when I went to pick Ruby up she told me that Ruby would NOT take her milk from the sippy cup. And she wouldn't eat her carrots/beans/potatoes that I sent. No big surprise there, but she did eat some homemade rice pudding that P made and a little cheese and some animal crackers. Not great, but not terrible.

Ruby and I hung out and played for a bit when we got home and then I made myself a lowfat wrap to snack on before dinner because I was VERY hungry. Well wouldn't you know it, the conniving little shit wanted to eat half my wrap. Well hell, if she wants to eat it I'm not stopping her. I will go hungry if it means she's eating something.

Tara: 1
Ruby: 0

Later, she refused the dinner I made her - which I thought she'd love. And when I say "refused" I mean she was taking swings at me as I was trying to put a bite in her mouth and when I managed to get a chunk in her little yap, she gave me the death stare and dug it out of her mouth and flung it against the wall.... right next to the place where I was banging my head. This went on until I had to walk away and let her freak out for a few minute in her highchair while I hid in the bathroom and cried.

Tara: 1
Ruby: 1

She then got to the point where she was so hungry she was completely delirious and out of control, crying and whining and being nasty (biting and hitting). There is absoluteley ZERO chance of getting any solid food in her at this point.

So I filled up her sippy cup with warm milk and offered it to her. And that's when our big battle began. She started to drink and then realized it was milk so she gave me the death stare again and flung the cup. Then she cried because she wanted a bottle. I offered her the cup again and she flung it again, then she grabbed it and tried to pour it out in between the cracks of the couch (that will smell great later). I gave it to her while holding it myself and she hit it and tried to hit me. Then she took off and did a few laps around the living room all the while crying and giving me the most bitter, dirty looks I have ever seen the child give. She'd stop in front of me once a lap and I'd try the milk again and it only pissed her off more. (No wonder "P" said the sippy cup "didn't work"). After about 5 or 6 laps around the room, she took a little bit of a drink from it. Couple more laps of tantrum throwing and I got her to sit in my lap and I leaned her back a bit like she was getting a bottle and the little bugger drank every last drop of milk in that god forsaken sippy cup. I have 7 new grey hairs and 2 new wrinkles on my face, but I got it to happen.

Tara: 2
Ruby: 1

I then got her to eat some yogurt with mashed raspberries in it (yay) before I sent her to bed with a bottle (boo).

Tara: 3
Ruby: 2

We tried to add some home made oatmeal to her breakfast this morning and she gave the look of having just been poisoned and tried to scrape any oatmeal that made it into her mouth off of her tongue.

Tara: 3
Ruby: 3

What??? We're tied? Then why does it feel like I'm getting my ass kicked and losing terribly??? I want to throw in the towel and let her drink from a bottle until she's 20 and can make her own decisions...

Food

Ruby had her 12 month checkup today at the doctors. The doctor noted that she’s perfectly healthy and alert and happy (and entertaining). Our big concern though, is that the kid does not like to eat food. Drinking bottles, she’s fine but eating food is a huge challenge. There are very few foods that she will eat. One day she likes something and the next day she chews it, then digs it out of her mouth and chucks it. She loves throwing food more than eating. It makes me crazy.

So today the doc confirmed that she needs to start eating more solids, less milk. He wants us to get her off the bottle because she’s become too reliant on it. She needs to get her milk from a sippy cup now. He says that with taking the bottle away, she’ll get hungry enough and she’ll start eating. I’m not so sure it will be that easy but I agree with him that this needs to be done. She eats like a little bird. I think a lot of her issues with food are texture related. She’ll usually take at least one bite of anything I offer, but then she starts swinging her arms like propellers around her face when we go in for bite #2. After a meal, the area around her highchair is like a mine field of discarded, chewed up, flung food.

I realized today that she’s been running the show in regards to her poor eating habits. It needs to change and it’s going to. It’s just going to be hard for a while. I know it and I need to mentally prepare for it.

In other food related news, I’m working on finding myself a better eating plan. I really don’t want to gain 68lbs again. I’ve already gained 13 in just 17 weeks so I need to work on getting things under control and not letting the pregnancy be my excuse for turning a blind eye to the scale. Upon the approval of my midwife, I’ve tried to do a bit of a modified Weight Watchers plan – one where I eat more than the regular plan would let me, but still having a daily limit and keeping track of everything and being accountable. My midwife said I could do this as long as I followed some rules. I’m not to allow myself to starve. I need to eat smaller meals every couple of hours. I need to have protein with every meal. The first week was really hard. Maybe too hard. I was really hungry and therefore mentally and physically drained and I was miserable and depressed. It didn’t feel good and so I know it wasn’t right. So this week I’ve decided that instead of quitting, I need to make some more modifications. I’m not allowing myself to get so hungry but I will try to fill the void with healthy options. I need to keep tweaking it until I get it right. I’m not going to hurt myself or the baby so please don’t lecture me about doing this. I want to be healthy both physically and mentally.

I do not want to give birth in June and have a load of extra weight on me during the summer while caring for a newborn and a toddler and feeling like shit about myself. I don’t want to have to hide in my house all summer because I’m too fat to go anywhere and feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Not that I see myself stepping out on the town all that much (or ever) because I think I might be a little bit busy. Anyways, it’s important to me that I take care of myself and somewhat manage my weight gain now, to make things easier come June and beyond.

It’s unfortunate that Ruby and I couldn’t find some happy medium between us, she could have a little of my appetite and I could have a little of her food aversion. But for now it’s a battle in opposite directions for the two of us. Wish us luck.

Better

When I picked Ruby up from daycare yesterday I was told that she had a good day and that she’s a good girl. And that perhaps the operator of the previous daycare should rethink her profession.

Ruby napped, she laughed, she smiled, she danced. She did not cry for more than a few minutes in the morning after I left because she was given a bit of TLC to comfort her and make her feel loved and cared for.

I cannot tell you the huge sense of relief I felt upon hearing those words.

This officially confirms it – I am not the mother of a closet daycare demon, just a little girl who gets a little bit nervous when her mom leaves her with someone new in a unfamiliar place. And I'm pretty sure that’s fairly standard for a one year old.

As a result, today I didn’t cry at my desk for 3 hours in the morning. My shoulders do not ache. My head does not feel like it might explode. My eyes are not nearly swelled shut. My heart doesn’t feel like it has been ripped from my chest. I haven’t even contemplated telling my boss how I really feel about this job and just what she can do with it.

Today feels better.

My heart

The other night I was giving Ruby a bath and she fell and smashed her face on the side of the tub. She was hurt and very upset. Her mouth was bleeding and she even chipped her front tooth (which really sucks). I scooped her out of the tub and held her and tried to comfort her. She screamed and cried and freaked out. Then Steve walked in the room and she started kicking and hitting me to get away from me and get to him. He took her and she stopped crying.

Ouch.

After she settled down he handed her back to me and she started crying again and kicking to get away from me. She reached out to my mom. When my mom took her she stopped crying again. It made me feel really sad inside.

Then this morning she hurt her hand or something and I tried to hold her. She wanted nothing to do with me. She reached for Steve again and when he held her she stopped crying.

*sigh*

So you can imagine how I felt when I had to drop her off for her first day at her new daycare today and when she realized I was leaving she started crying and reached out to me...

And I had to turn my back on her and walk out the door.


Here’s my heart. I won’t be needing it anymore. It’s been ripped out of my chest and crushed and broken and shattered into a billion tiny little pieces.