Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Despair

I am struggling with being a mom of two kids so young. Ruby is going through the terrible twos and Lincoln is a baby who requires much love and care from his mom.

I've been doing my very best to keep it together and some days I do pretty good. Other days I go to bed dreading waking up the next day.

A few times I've felt sure that post partum depression was creeping in. With my long history of depression and anxiety, that scares me. These kids need so much from me, I can't afford to be depressed.

So when I got a severe case of vertigo two weeks ago it totally leveled me. Vertigo is the most awful awful awful thing to get. I could not care for my kids but I had to find a way.

I have lived in fear over the past two weeks that it would return. And this morning it did.

I was up half the night with a fussy Lincoln. Then at 5:30am as I was feeding him again, I turned to my right and the whole room let loose on me. I quickly took the medicine that I was given to combat vertigo but it has not helped me. I tried to ignore it and just go on with my day - because I don't have much choice to do anything otherwise. But as I was bent down helping Ruby put on her shoes, the room spun hard on me and I fell.

Since then I can't stop crying. I am fucked. I am so afraid I will have this for the rest of my life. I can't function. I am nauseous. I am exhausted. I can't sleep because when I close my eyes the room spins. I don't know how I can take proper care of my kids when I feel like this. They need me to be able to look after them and I can barely move.

I have a doctors appointment this afternoon but have little hope for any resolution.

I feel total despair right now.

10 comments:

Christy said...

I can only imagine how you feel. I have 2 young children as well-Isaac is 2 (28 months to be exact) and Piper is 11 months. . . .caring for them when you feel 100% is exhausting and scary, but trying to care for them when you feel horrible, is completely overwhelming I'm sure. I am praying your doctor appt. offers you some hope-know that things will get better. . . maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but things will get better. . . I truly believe that and I hope you can too.

Esperanza said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I have no experience with vertigo but it sounds horrendous. I just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking of you and hoping you find a solution fast.

Emily said...

Oh honey - here we both are suffering suffering suffering. What the hell is up with that shit?

I am hoping that your Dr can help but make sure they look at your feelings of not coping too. You can take Zoloft & still breastfeed if you want. Also maybe call http://www.postpartum.org/index.htm - I just did and I wish I had ages ago they have lots of resource suggestions. I hope you don't have PPD but if you do know that there are a lot of amazing women out there that know what you're going through. Huge hugs.

xoxo

annacyclopediaisworkingonit said...

Oh, Tara! That is just the shits. It sounds so scary and so hard today.

I have few answers, but it is almost certain that the vertigo will not last forever. I really hope that it leaves soon and leaves for good, but in the meantime I wish you peace and comfort in all forms. Huge hugs to you.

edenland said...

Oh hon that must feel TERRIBLE ..... I didn't realise you could get vertigo even when you're not looking over the edge of something.

I really hope the doc could do something for you, love to you. You are stronger than you think, promise. XO

JJ said...

I wish I could do more...I would totally be over there in a flash. Holding you in my thoughts, friend. BIG hugs! xoxo

Alicia said...

Oh hon, you poor, poor thing. Vertigo is bad enough, but to try to function with it? With 2 small kids? I want to cry for you. I really hope the doc had some good news for you. I'll keep all my fingers and toes crossed for you.

Candi said...

I had a couple episodes when I was pregnant. Thankfully, Steven is still not working so he was able to help with Carter. It is such an awful feeling. I hope your appointment is helpful and you can get some relief from such a terrible problem. Keeping you in my thoughts.

manapan said...

I came here from the Friday Blog Roundup, and I had to comment on this post. I hope your appointment went well, but if they didn't check your thyroid you should go back and have it done.

I suffered from terrible vertigo for seven months while my doctors searched for a cause to no avail. After I finally lost my job, my insurance, and my apartment, they found out I had hypothyroidism. They didn't think it was related to the vertigo, but after a week on levothyroxine the vertigo lessened enough for me to function. And once I added in a selenium supplement a few months later it got even better. I haven't had any vertigo for the past year except when I forgot to take my meds for a few days.

Princess Jo said...

:( One day at time!

I am sorry that you are having a rough time.

Thankyou so much for your lovely comment on my blog post announcing our MFI - when I hopped online yesterday and checked my email, it was like receiving a huge hug, and was just what I needed.

Thankyou.