Long time, no write...
I continue to struggle to balance my life. Being a wife, a mom, a housekeeper, a woman. Needing love, friends, socialization, affection, fun, freedom, quiet. I am busting my ass to keep it all together. Some days I feel like I am rocking this shit - and other days I feel like I'm failing miserably.
I guess that's life though, isn't it? I mean, really - everyone has their own set of challenges and we all just have to find a way to live life the best we can. Life is not easy. Not by any stretch. We have to be able to find joy in the small things, to roll with the punches, and to suck it up and make things work. Let things go that don't matter.
In the past few months I have felt a great surge of spirituality within my self. I can't say that it's a religion or a specific set of beliefs - it's just something that I feel inside and it's hard to explain. I have my own beliefs and feelings and thoughts and I'm working every day at trying to be peaceful within myself - no matter the challenges (yeah, sometimes it just doesn't work no matter how hard I try). It's very interesting and very freeing to challenge my previous way of thinking and to release the thoughts and feelings and beliefs that were not serving me well.
I recently visited my Wiccan girlfriend and had her read my tarot cards for me. I had been feeling like I was losing my... "zen" or my "mojo" or maybe just my inner, underlying positivity. Certain things had been getting to me that I would normally not allow. I was emotionally and physically tired and not feeling as mentally "sharp" as I would like. (Sorry for all the quotation marks but I'm not sure any of these words are exactly what I'm looking for.)
Anyways, she had been dreading reading my cards because of how I had been feeling. But the reading showed that I have a very strong, very positive core. There was indeed a card indicating grief which since we lost Steve's dad only a month ago now, was not surprising. There were some cards indicating that I am seeking a male figure to lean on or to absorb energy from - which I found very interesting because there is no real strong male figure in my life right now and damn, do I ever crave that. There were some cards indicating that there are a lot of people coming at me from all directions and that instead of tuning everyone out (which I do a lot) I need to listen because someone is apparently going to give me something that I need to think about which will bring about a choice I need to make which will make me do a big balancing act and have some difficulty in my life but that will eventually be good for me because I will learn from it. She didn't feel that this had anything to do with my return to work in a few months - she thought it would be much sooner. She felt it had to do with education.
In all, it was a very positive reading and her and I both felt very happy after it was over. Her because she didn't have to give me any bad news, and me because I feel like I'm still on the right track and still all good on the inside.
One of the things she said to me that I have carried with me is this: Negative thoughts and feelings are just that - thoughts and feelings. They do not affect the positivity in your core.
So despite those negative thoughts and feelings (resentment! anger! bitterness! sadness! pissed-offedness!) intruding upon me - I'm still all good deep on the inside.