Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Dreams, letting go, trying harder

I had a very symbolic dream last night. Amazing, really.

Steve and I were walking down a hallway.  We were tired and holding on to each other for support. I felt love for him and coming from him.

A person from my past walked up behind us in the hall.  This person is someone that Steve and I almost allowed to come between us in the past. Someone who caused us trouble and pain. I have held on to regret and guilt about the role I allowed this person played in our lives for a a long time.

In my dream this person walked past us. Ahead of us.  Looked back at us. And then walked out a door into darkness.  Gone.

Steve and I kept walking, leaning on each other. Arms draped over each other. Feeling worn out like we'd been through something physically and emotionally exhausting. A bit damaged. But together. Supporting each other.

It was a good dream. It felt right.

My SIL phoned the other night crying. Furious again with Steve.  Her relationship with my BIL is over. She has to be out of their house by Friday.  She's looking for an apartment to rent.  I felt horrible about it.  Can't help but feel somewhat responsible.  It was an email exchange with ME and my HUSBAND sent it to her spouse. I had a heavy weight on my chest.

But I'm letting that go.  This may have been the straw the broke the camels back for them but the camel was on his knees. I am not responsible for their demise or her pain.  I am stepping back from both of them. Whatever happens is up to them. I have so much struggle in my world right now, I can't take on their troubles.  And what good would it do anyways? I would just be making myself an easy target for blame or resentment - because that would be the easiest way to deal with their problems, blaming someone else. 

The past few days have been better for Steve and I. He seems to be trying to be happier and kinder towards me.  In turn I am trying to be less resentful and bitter and not so much of a bitch.  I know I can be a bitch and I know it doesn't help things.  We have been trying to talk in a civil and kind manner but that fact that there is talking at all is a good thing.


Anonymous said...

quick comment....
Why would you even consider yourself remotely responsible?

If there is any responsibly to be had, it's Steve, for sending the email to his brother. If he had a problem or questions or objections to your email, he should have taken it up with you. Not only reading your email but forwarding it off to a third party is a blatant betrayal.
Steve's first loyalty should be to you... not his Mom, not his brother... but you...
Steve needs some major relationship counselling

Dr. Phil

Tara said...

Dr. Phil,

I agree with everything you say.

I suppose it is some old thought patterns that I am allowing in my head to make me feel responsible in the email situation. And I am trying to let those go.

I do however, take full responsibility for my bitterness and resentfulness playing a part in my marriage troubles. Granted I have been pushed to my limit but I still own what is mine and since I can't change Steve I can only take steps to improve myself which I hope in turn will improve my portion of the marriage.

Thanks for your comment. It really did give me much to think about.

SassyMama said...

I am happy for you about your dream. I hope that it will correspond with healing between the two of you. No question you two have been through an extremely rough time. I can only wish for you that out of this difficult time you eventually emerge with a closer, more loyal and more emotionally intimate relationship. I am glad to hear that the past few days have been a bit better. I hope that continues for both of you:).

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I'm glad to hear that things are a little better. Marriage isn't easy, but please don't short change yourself or beat yourself up over him or the situation with the ILs. You are so right that you can only change yourself, but don't lose YOU in the process. Wishing you all the best!