I can not believe the support I get from you guys. You are amazing, amazing women and I can not thank you enough for supporting me through everything I write about. It makes me feel so much less alone. And so much less like an asshole.
After this past weekend I can't help but feel guilty for writing that last post though. Things have changed again and now Steve really does need my support. His actions have become truly genuine.
Steve took Ruby to visit his dad in the hospice on Saturday morning. He was really tired and a little bit confused but he was able to talk a bit to his visitors and he was watching sports on TV. Then yesterday, Steve, myself, Ruby and Lincoln went in to visit him. We were taken aback at the dramatic change in him. He was basically unconscious the whole time we were there. He is skin and bones. He's barely there.
I found it really hard being there with my kids because they don't know what's going on and I obviously had to mother them and try to keep them quiet. It is no longer bringing Steve's dad joy to bring them to visit. He didn't even know they were there and I struggled to keep them quiet amidst my own grief. Steve's brother and his girlfriend then showed up as I was getting ready to take the kids over to my parents house for their naps. They were obviously shocked at the state FIL was in and things got confusing with people trying to figure out what to do and what to say and who should do what and in the kerfuffle we kind of got ushered out the door (by SIL) without me having the chance to properly say goodbye with the kids. I always put Lincoln's cheek up to FIL's cheek and Ruby always gives him a kiss. We didn't get to do that.
And it was the last time they will ever see him.
They aren't going back to the hospice, it's not right anymore. That kinda bugs me - but I know that it only matters to me. The kids don't know any different and my FIL likely wouldn't have known. But maybe he would have. Anyways - the important thing is that I took them for every visit I could while he could still enjoy them. And they said goodbye and gave kisses every time they left. Except that last time - fuck that really does bug me and I'm pissed that I allowed someone else to rush me out before I did what I needed to do.
Steve and I took the kids over to my parents and then returned to the hospice. By that time it was just MIL and FIL there so we had a bit of time to just sit in the room and chat a bit with MIL and just be with FIL. A couple of times FIL stopped breathing and we all held our own breath. But he started back up each time after a minute or so, but it is very laboured.
We know that the end is very, very close. Likely within a couple of days. Almost surely before the weekend.
When we left, I kissed FIL's cheek and told him I loved him. I rubbed his hand and he squeezed mine and then kind of shook it. Then Steve kissed his dad's head and told him he loved him and hugged him. His dad then lifted his arm and wiggled his fingers to wave goodbye to Steve. Both Steve and I believe that he was saying goodbye to us for the last time. It meant so much to us both. But at the same time, rocked us to the core with overwhelming sadness. There have been lots and LOTS of tears since then.
Steve's mom isn't sure she wants to be in the room with him when he passes. But she doesn't want him alone. Steve said he doesn't want to be there either - he just wants to get a phone call to say that it's over.
I do NOT want him to die alone, I don't think anybody does. I would happily be there with him to hold his hand when he passes. I think I am the strongest, most spiritual person in the family for this situation. The problem of course, is that I have two little kids to look after and I have no options for child care. I feel really helpless with being here, an hour away - and being limited as to what I can do to help.
I'm making a pot of turkey soup right now. Because in the aftermath we'll have something comforting to eat. And also because I need to do something wholesome right now to ease my hurting soul.
As if a pot of turkey fucking soup can do shit to make any of this better.