I got Lincoln's "sleep plan" this past weekend. Sleep training is the last fucking thing on earth I feel like doing right now. The last thing. However, I paid the money for the plan and having Lincoln sleep better would greatly improve our lives. And so today, I put the plan in motion.
I am scared though. With the heaviness in this house lately I have been so stressed out. Almost to the point of being manic sometimes. I get sooooo wound up, feeling like there are a million things I need to do. I recognize that I am feeling the need to control everything I can because of the things that I can not. Still, I can't help myself. I'm afraid I won't be strong enough to handle the crying that is going to inevitably come with the sleep training. I'm afraid the stress will overtake me.
We've been doing a lot of driving back and forth to the hospital over the past two weeks and I that has been making me feel even more out of control. I've been doing all the driving - which is an hour each way through city traffic. I've been trying to manage kids naps and meals and playtime and behavior through all of it, which has been no easy task. Sleeping in the van and eating drive through chicken mcnuggets is ok once in a while, but I stress that it's happening too much. I try to plan ahead but there is so much going on inside my head and out that it's all I can do to just hang on by my fingernails.
Hopefully now that the holidays are over and there is a bit more structure, things will level out a bit. Also, Steve's dad is likely going to be sent home from the hospital tomorrow. So our visits will become weekly and they won't be at the hospital anymore (God willing). It will make things a little easier visiting at their house.
Over the past couple of weeks I've pretty much weaned Lincoln from breastfeeding. It's been beneficial to me and him. He's sleeping better already with the increased calories - and I'm less tied down and able to function a little more effectively. I've also started him on solids which he loves (except peas, that's my boy!). He's "only" awake 2 or 3 times a night now. Still his naps are junk.
As much as I don't want to do the sleep training, it's now or never. I need to start within one week of getting the plan. And really, what would I wait for anyways? It's not like things are going to change any time soon.
I'm hanging on to the fact that today is as close to a fresh start as we're going to get so I'm going forward with whatever needs to be done to get Lincoln sleeping better. While I'm at it, I'm going to take advantage of this being a "quieter" week and working on getting everything clean and organized and my family in a better place (along with my headspace), so that we can go forward as best we can with what we're given.