Monday, August 23, 2010

Send help (or vodka)

I am woken up at 7:19am to Ruby crying - as she does every morning. I drag my exhausted ass out of bed and go to her as quickly as possible to prevent her screeching from waking up Lincoln. I walk into her room and cheerfully say "Good morning, Ruby!!"

And she screams at me, "NOOOOO!!!!!!"

After wrestling with her and finally holding her down to change her diaper we head to the kitchen where she demands to be fed yogurt.

By this time Lincoln has heard the ruckus and he is crying. He wants to be fed. At the same time she does. NOW.

I manage to bounce him until I get her yogurt down and give her a granola bar to run around with and smear all over the furniture while I nurse him.

The cup of coffee I made myself to get through the morning sits cold on the counter.

She soon gets bored and comes over with "Darla" (her doll) and sits beside Lincoln and I on the couch. "Darla" then scratches Lincoln in the head with her hard plastic hand. This upsets Lincoln and before I can get Ruby and Darla distracted and removed from the situation (baby attached to my boob), "Darla" headbutts Lincoln.

Lincoln screams. I mean he screams!!!! High pitched, heart wrenching screams. Like I've never heard him scream before and I wonder if he's seriously injured.

In the meantime, Ruby stands and stares at me while she shits in her diaper.

I settle Lincoln and put him in his bouncy chair which is on the kitchen table which is the only place he is safe from Ruby and/or Darla.

I wrestle with Ruby again to change her diaper and barely prevent her from flinging her shitty diaper across the room.

Later I manage to get Ruby to go down for her morning nap and pray that Lincoln will sleep too so I can have some time to myself to reset and recharge. Except Lincoln is fussy today (maybe something to do with the earlier attack from Darla). So I spend Ruby's nap time feeding, changing, bouncing Lincoln.

Normally he might have a nap in his baby swing but it got broken last night.

Before I know it Ruby is awake from her nap and yes... crying.

I interrupt nursing Lincoln to get her up from her nap.

Since it's now noon and Ruby's had little more to eat than a kids yogurt and half a granola bar, I ask her if she is hungry. She tells me "eat!"

Apparently by "eat" she means she'll have 3 bites of lasagna and then chew up and spit out her 4th bite, then pour her sippy cup out all over her highchair. Lunch is over.

Lincoln continues to fuss. He wants to be rocked (Damn, I am missing that swing).

Since I am holding and rocking Lincoln, Ruby stands in front of me with her arms up saying "Mommy knee?? Mommy knee??" If I was able to put Lincoln in the baby swing I could hold her on my knee. Then again, if Lincoln was in the baby swing she wouldn't want to be on my knee. When I explain to her that I can't pick her up right now she decides to empty out her toy box. She does it by staring at me and removing each toy then holding it high above her head and then SMASHING it to the hardwood floor. Toy, by, toy.

I decide that I need to get us out of the house for some fresh air and exercise. It is then that I realize that Steve has driven our only vehicle to work and left the stroller in the back of it.

I'm trapped in my house with a fussy 2 month old and a renegade toddler.

This computer has now been unplugged 6 times.


Femme au Foyer said...

I know I shouldn't laugh (especially because this is going to be me in six months) but I can't help myself--your delivery is so funny! Why is it that babies/toddlers hate having their diaper changed? Little Husband puts up a HUGE fuss every morning when I attempt to do so. This is fine, for now, but when I'm 8 months pregnant it's definitely not going to fly!

JJ said...

Carefully passing you a bottle of vodka--carefully because I dont want a little cute toddler to grab it in the process and make a mess ;)
Hope your evening is better than the daytime!

Anonymous said...

you have my complete and undying admiration cause you have the hardest job in the world and I honestly truly wonder how people do it. I bow down to you, I really really do.
(p.s. when I read your posts i can see it in a sitcom) (screenwriter)

Love Corney

Anonymous said...

You have my admiration.
I babysat a 23 month old for three days last week, including overnights. She did fairly well and B is almost 9 months, but it was still exhausting. I can't imagine trying it with a 2 month old.

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I know I shouldn't be laughing, but you have such a good sense of humor about it. Hoping today is better and if you don't have your car at least maybe you got the stroller!

Me said...

I am laughing my ass off, you are hilarious! Not laughing at your day though :) I hope you got some T-Time and got to relax and recharge. Today, you are the boss & don't let anybody big or small tell you otherwise. Try to sneak out to the gym tonight! Wishing you lots of smiles today. Enjoy!

Just Jen said...

Oh, you are too funny! Thanks for the insightful post, might just wait a wee bit longer before the thought of another crosses my mind...

Emily said...

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrgh! Sounds like a craptastic day. Not nice at all!

Sending you VODKA. Are you ready for those few drinks on my patio yet? ;)

Anonymous said...

You have such a talent for making a shitty situation seem funny -- although it probably doesn't feel funny to you at the time.
Add to this that my mom's name is Darla...and I peed my own pants!