Wednesday, July 28, 2010

The Door Incident

Last night after dinner Steve and I decided to go for a walk. So after rounding up and strapping down the kids we headed out, me pushing the double stroller. It was hot hot hot outside, making the double stroller extra work to push. I was sweating and tired.

While walking we decided to stop at Booster Juice for a smoothie.

Walking up to the door we were discussing what kind of smoothie we should get.

We got to the door of Booster Juice and Steve opened it, walked through it and then let it close behind him... leaving me standing just outside with the big double stroller. I stared/glared through the glass door at him thinking he would quickly realize his mistake and turn around, apologizing.

He didn't.

I watched him walk through the store, up to the counter to order.

There happened to be a group of 6 men standing just inside the door who all saw what happened and when they realized Steve wasn't going to come open the door, one of them jumped off his stool and opened the door for me.

I thanked him - which made Steve turn around and realize what had just happened.

He laughed sheepishly and said, "Oh I thought you were going to just wait outside."

Outside? In the sweltering heat? With two babies? When it's cool and air conditioned inside?


I could have made a big deal about it but I didn't. It wouldn't have done me any good. I did let him know that it wasn't very nice of him but he totally brushed me off.

How I really feel about it? It made me feel really bad. It hurt my heart. I'm the mother of his two babies and I work hard to keep every one happy and cared for and it's hard, hard work. And I'm tired everyday but I keep doing what needs to be done to raise two happy healthy kids and a maintain a decent marriage. And I do try to care for my marriage. I'm always trying to think of ways to show him that I love him despite being exhausted and not always wanting to put in that extra effort.

Him letting the door close in my face made me feel really unappreciated, uncared for and unloved. Like I don't matter. I don't want to feel taken for granted.

I would also like my kids to grow up seeing that their parents love and respect each other - something I did not get to experience.

I know he has it in him. When I met him and for the first few years of our marriage, he was a doting husband. He would fall all over himself for me. Now, not so much. Am I to blame? Maybe a bit, I know I can be a naggy bitch sometimes.

I know it was probably just an absent minded man thing and I should let it go - and I will. I know that I'm over analyzing it and that may be due to hormones and fatigue. I know it wouldn't have felt as bad if I wasn't pushing our two kids in a double stroller after a long day of looking after them, or if he had realized his mistake and apologized instead of making up some bullshit excuse.
There's no point in discussing it with him because he's not a discusser. So instead I will analyze it to death in my head. Make a mountain out of it until it eats me up and I have a meltdown. Write about it to death in a blog post. And then maybe wait until my hormones shift and I can laugh it off like he did...


Mrs. Shoes said...

Ouch. I would have really been hurt by that too. And then very, very angry.

Femme au Foyer said...

I think I left my jaw somewhere on the floor.

That would have really, really bugged me. You're not out of line to be upset, especially with the sleep deprivation you must be experiencing right now.

You should be cherished. Your husband shouldn't forget that. It will bring out the best in both of you.

Me said...

Oh no!Bad hubby!!

Don't let it slide...say something about it. If you let it slide you will hold all of your feelings inside and take it out on him little by little. That can't be good.

You are an excellent Mom & Wife and deserve to be treated nicely :)

annacyclopedia said...

Ouch. That hurts even reading about it. Especially since he didn't just apologize. I hope you find some peace with it and that he learns how important those little things can be -I'm like you where I tend to see those things as symbolic. Maybe they're not, always, but it's hard when you don't feel like your mothering work is being respected.

Aurelia said...

My husband doesn't like discussing things either. He wouldn't do this---but he's done some other doozies.

Our current solution is to email each other. I keep it short, to the point, and so does he. That way I don't cry and freak, and we can both take time to think before replying.

If it matters to you, then it matters.

Honestly, I think you are doing an amazing job with both kids and things being so crazy, and no help, and him working all the time. Really. He should notice.

Please be gentle with yourself. You aren't even 6 weeks post birth. I think I was still bedridden then...

Somewhat Ordinary said...

I use to get annoyed when strangers did that very thing when I was pushing a stroller so I can totally see how your own husband doing it would be hurtful.

You are doing an amazing job as a mommy to 2 small humans. I think even if he isn't interested in talking about the big issues he needs to because you will only get more resentful and things might spin out of control.

Tiffany said...

Felt a lot of similarities with your post! I am a mother with a four year old son and a one year old daughter, and I have a husband who is very much like that. If my hubby had done that, knowing him, he would have simply thought that I was staying outside, end of story, and in response, he would have pretty much said what your husband did. And, I would have responded the same way, feeling very disrespected. "Excuse me?! It's hot outside, and you think that I, and the children, would willingly stay out here in this heat?" However, guys don't think about it that way.

Hang in there. Being so tired makes it so difficult, on many levels. One child changed my life and my marriage a lot, and two children have made some things better (my husband shares more in the child-raising stuff) and some things more challenging (trying to recover lost sleep, which rarely happens). Breathe. Accept this situation between you and honor your feelings about it. This is one situation and does not mean that there will be more like it. Glad that you wrote about it, and I hope you are feeling better, and that you are remembering that your husband does love you and can just be guilty of being a man sometimes. ;-)

Emily said...

Sheesh. Bad move on his part. I honestly think it was just a stupid guy thing. Guys really don't think sometimes. But nevertheless, ouch.

You're right, talking won't help. They don't get it. I hope you find another way to make him realize that you are a hard working, amazing Mama.

Alicia said...

The worst part about the whole thing is the lack of apology. It's the one thing that irritates me about my husband too. Instead of just fessing up and saying, "my bad" they get defensive or make up excuses? Why? Why can't the just be wrong? Why can't they admit they're insensitive or simply not paying attention enough? I don't understand it.

I'm sorry, Hon. It sucks to feel so underappreciated. Every little thing you do every single day of your life to make things better for your husband and children... most of the time, they don't even realize it. All those little things take so much energy, so much thought, so much YOU. You do it out of love, but when years go by and it's never acknowledged, not even once, it takes its toll.