I love Lincoln

Have I mentioned that? Honestly, I don't think I have. Not here anyways. And I need to.

I wrote a LOT of posts about how the surprise pregnancy totally blindsided me and how I had a really hard time processing it and trying to come to terms with the fact that I would be the mother of two when at one point I thought I would be childless for the rest of my life. And then how lucky I was to finally conceive and then give birth to Ruby, and how I made myself come to terms with the fact that she would likely be an only child and I had made that seem very appealing in my head, because that's what you do. You learn to accept and love the life you have.

And then I wrote a lot of posts about how hard his pregnancy was and how much I was not enjoying it. And that was so true. I'm not going back on that - the pregnancy was definitely stressful and physically taxing and downright painful and very unpleasant. I am just not one of those women who really enjoys being pregnant.

I also may or may not have posted about how much I was (am) in love with Ruby and how I didn't think I could ever possibly love another child the way I love her.

And now, 9 weeks into this I can not IMAGINE my life without Lincoln. My god I am crazy in love with him. He is my special little gift and I am ever so thankful to have been blessed with him. He is sweet and snugly and a true little mamma's boy. I couldn't be happier. My heart is bursting full.

I think I just needed to make all that clear.

Random thoughts

If I write them on my blog, will it help stop them from swirling around my head???

~I will have two children, 18 months apart.

~Two in diapers, two in car seats, two in strollers.

~My house isn't appropriate for a family of 4 (a family of 4!!). We will have to sell it and buy a different one - sometime within the next few months.

~If we are moving to a new house we are going to get one close to my parents. I am going to need all the help I can get and they currently live 45mins to an hour away.

~Moving closer to my parents will make a hell of a commute for Steve to get to/from work.

~Have a verbal agreement with the tenants in my basement suite that they would stay for a year. Not looking forward to letting them know that plans have changed.

~I return to work December 7th. I'm due June 16th. Only going back to work for six months. How *popular* will I be with my bosses? I'm guessing, not very.

~Not sure how I am going to survive on maternity leave wages for yet another year. We won't have enough time to get back on our feet from the first one.

~So very nervous about my beta next week.

~My car isn't going to cut it for a family of 4 either. And we currently only have the one vehicle.

~I never hid my first pregnancy at all. I'm keeping this one a secret for a while yet. Not sure how to do the not drinking thing at get togethers. I usually have a cocktail or two. How do I do this without giving anything away? Going to watch the hockey game at BIL and SIL's place tomorrow, and dinner there on Saturday and they're big cocktailers. I'm not, but I would normally have one or two. Not sure how to pull this off.

~I am at the same weight I was when Ruby was conceived. I do NOT want to gain 68lbs again.

~Went for a jog/walk this morning. Chicklet did it for 30ish weeks, I want to do it for a while too, as long as I can anyways.

~Steve has been awesome lately. Going the extra mile with Ruby, helping with dinners, helping with cleanup, etc. I hope he can keep it up. I will need all the help I can get.

~I just really need to hear that everything is going to be ok.

(I'm really scared.)

There's more, this is just all I can get out right now.

1%

Steve has 1% viable sperm. We were told that we had approximately a 1% chance of ever conceiving naturally.

A doctor confirmed today that I will be 5 weeks pregnant tomorrow. I go for a HCG beta next week. So different from getting here via IVF.

Still so early. Scared to death to be happy. Feel some guilt for Ruby. Feel some IF guilt.

Somewhat stunned silent.

Shock. Complete Shock.

My increased emotional state is not due to PPD.

My counselor was wrong about that, although I give her credit for figuring out that it is biologically caused. That, it is...

.

.

.

.

I am in complete and utter shock. I don't know what to say. I have a lot of things to work out in my head and in my life.

Unbelievable.