Happy Birthday, Ruby

We interrup the regularly scheduled whining to bring you something different.  

My daughter, my angel.

She turned two today. 

Today is a special and very happy day.



Happy times

My daughter is just the sweetest little angel lately.

Recently we have been having some very special moments that make me feel like I've really done right as a mother thus far. I was lucky enough to catch such a moment on video tonight. I wanted to share this in order to spread the good feelings and warm your heart and soul. Now you, too can feel the complete and utter joy that I get to feel so much lately.

Oh boy!

On Wednesday (at 19 weeks) we had our "big" ultrasound. And wouldn't you know it we got another dud u/s tech... He refused to tell us ANYTHING. He told us that we needed to see my midwife to get any results and that he only takes measurements. At least with Ruby, the tech (who was also a dud) told us everything we wanted to know except the gender. So this made us a little nervous that perhaps something was wrong.

I had also put a request in to my midwife who ordered the u/s that I wanted to know the gender and to have that put in the report.

So after a day of nail biting and nervous worrying, I spoke with my midwife yesterday who told me that there is a healthy little baby in my belly! Great news and I feel so relieved. And my suspicions (since day one) were confirmed that Junior is indeed... a boy! Very exciting.

The only minor glitch was that my placenta was laying low. Not a previa but low enough that I need to repeat the scan at 30 weeks to make sure it moves. My midwife said that there is a very good chance that it will move upward with my uterus. I am not overly concerned at this point in time.

Ruby, on the other hand... she was concerned when I told her she was having a brother...

Merry Christmas

Ruby is tight with Santa this year. He asked her for a high five and she gave him one so she's pretty sure she's going to get everything on her list. We hope that you all get everything on your list too - if not at Christmas than sometime in 2010.

Merry Christmas!

Birthday Clone

Ruby's birthday was over a week ago and I never did post any pictures.

So just for fun... here are pictures comparing me on my first birthday and Ruby on hers.

Bzzzz....

I had a blast with RuBEE on Halloween. We went "trick-or-treating" to my Mom and Dad's and then my BIL's during the day. She was such a good sport all day.

I got some fantastic pictures of her.

Don't blink

All you ladies out there who have recently had babies, or who are going to have one soon?
Here's my advice: Don't blink.

Because this can happen in the blink of an eye:

Ruby graduated from the travel (and oh so convenient) carseat today to a "big girl" carseat.

But I was pretty sure that it was only a week or so ago that I brought her home from the hospital! She seemed like such a tiny little peanut in that big, cavernous carseat.

Sweet Grapes

When I was in my 2WW with IVF#2, I remember a day that I was sure it didn't work and I was not going to be pregnant. And I was devastated. I knew I couldn't keep going through treatments for the toll they were taking on me physically, emotionally and financially. I became desperate to find a way to get on with my life. (And desperate to soften the blow of another BFN.) So I got on the internet and I ordered a book that I thought would help me.

Before the book had time to be delivered I peed on a stick and got two lines.

When the book came, I quietly put it away somewhere and didn't want to see it again for fear that if I touched it or even looked at it, it would surely jinx my pregnancy.

Then the other day I was in my computer room and Ruby was playing on the floor. I saw she had pulled a book off my shelf and did a double take when I saw which book she had...

It seemed so ironic and weird that of all the books on the shelf she had pulled that one out. I sat and stared for a moment, it was such an odd sight for me to be seeing. I felt like I was looking at the crossroads of my life. One of my lives was sitting on the floor with my other life in her lap. At one point in time, each of these paths had a 50% chance possibility of being the one that I was to walk down - they both couldn't exist. And here I was, staring them both in the face. I am not sure I can accurately describe how it felt.

It was like the universe was sending me a reminder of how far I've come and what I've endured to get here, and to make sure that I appreciate every second of the life that I have now.

And I can assure you that I do.

~I know this is a sensitive and painful topic for some, but if there is anyone who feels that that they are at the point in their life where this book might help to you or someone you know, please let me know and I will be happy to package it up and mail it to you for free.

Reunion. Goodbye.

Today Ruby met the lady that brought her into the world. Well, technically I suppose it was more of a reunion, because they met about 9 months ago.

I got an email a couple weeks back notifying me that the midwife group that I went to during my pregnancy was having a picnic and all the babies that they delivered in the past year were invited. And I wasn't going to go. But last night I thought about it and ran to my computer to check the email to see if I had missed it and found out that it was today, this afternoon.

And I realized I should go. I needed to.

And when I got out of the car and I saw the woman that delivered Ruby, standing under a shelter in the park, out of the rain - I got a big fat lump in my throat and my eyes welled up.

Ok, enough with the emotions already. Look around! Nobody else is crying, you sissy!

Deep breath. Carry on.

It was quite a busy picnic and I knew nobody but Ruby so we just sat at a table and played around and sipped a Starbucks and nibbled on a treat until one of the two midwives that took such good care of me came over to say hello. We chatted for a bit and then the other midwife came over - the one who actually delivered Ruby and I asked if I could take a picture of them with her. The one that actually delivered Ruby, held her on her knee and it was all I could do to get Ruby to look at the camera. She just stared at the woman who brought her into the world. Almost like she was awestruck?

Ok, maybe it was the sparkly necklace she had on, I don't know but I got all fucking emotional again.

Why was nobody else getting all misty eyed about meeting up with the woman/women who delivered their babies??!? Everybody was all nonchalant, busy drinking herbal tea and breastfeeding and eating organic cake.

And why was the most popular conversation topic, "When are you having another one?"
*winkwink* *nudgenudge*

Can't we just be happy and enjoy the ones that we have now? Can't we???


So I got my picture that I wanted and I got a short little visit with two of the best midwives I could have ever hoped for.

And I suppose there's a good chance that it was also the last time I might see them, for in all likelihood I may never need a midwife again... Which might explain the emotions that nobody else had.

Reflecting

I came, I saw, I stagetted. I survived. I actually had some fun.

But 12 hours of "celebrating"... is a bit too much for me at my ripe old age of 34. It started at noon and ended (for me anyways) at around midnight. Which meant, "ouch" for yesterday.

Luckily though I did get to come home at the end of the night and I was in the door, in my bed by about 12:30am or so. I was ever so happy to be able to kiss my baby goodnight and wake up in my own bed in the morning.

I was also very lucky that Steve treated me so well yesterday. He took on the parenting role completely and so I was able to sleep in and rest and lick my wounds for as long as it took (it took a long time). He told me that I deserved a night out and I deserved a day off and I deserved to sleep and rest and do whatever I wanted to do the next day. I'm so thankful for that. I did sweet fuck all yesterday.

Today, after the fog has lifted somewhat, I'm feeling thankful for where I'm at in my life. A place where those party girl nights are so few and far between and there are other things, much more important things - things that make me so much more happy and content than a night out could ever make me. And I think that all the days and nights of worry leading up to last Saturday are because I know that that's not really me anymore. That I don't enjoy that kind of night so much anymore. Sure I do still enjoy myself a cocktail now and then, but those big BIG party nights just don't do it for me anymore.

Or perhaps they never did.

What if those big piss up, party down nights were never really my thing? What if that's just what I did because I didn't know what else to do with myself and it just seemed like the thing to do? What else did I have going on? How else would I get the attention that I seemed to crave so badly? What else would fill the void? What else would help me numb out my feelings?

Having a little reminder of what my old life looked like really slams it home how unhappy and unfulfilled I truly was back then. I couldn't be happier with where my life is right now. I am not missing out on anything. I don't care if people think I'm silly or sucky or whatever because none of that matters one little bit. I have all I could ever ask for in my life and my heart wants for nothing.

Four Generations

My grandma lives on the opposite side of the country from me. She is 83 and had previously sworn off travel for the remainder of her life. It had been tearing at my heart that Ruby might never get to meet her Great Grandma - her only living Great Grandparent and a very special lady.

I cannot tell you how thrilled I was when I found out that she had agreed to come this way for a week long visit. It was the thought of meeting Ruby that convinced her to make one last trip out west.

I enjoyed the visit immensely and tried to soak up every single minute that I possible could.

I never thought I would have the opportunity to be a part of four generations of women in the same room together. Ever. I mean, Grandma was getting older and was more than two thousand miles away. And Ruby... well, for a while it looked like Ruby might never exist.

The closest that I thought I would get would be two generations, and a lot of pain. This two generation picture was taken the day after I found out my first IVF cycle didn't work. I had to be at a wedding that day and the hurt was overwhelming. It was hard to be dressed up and pretending. I can see the pain in my eyes though...

To be able to replace the above picture doesn't take away the pain of that failed cycle or the years of hurt that infertility brought. I will never forget that pain and heartache. But having the opportunity to create the next picture, makes me realize that there is little I wouldn't endure to get to this place:

Bullets, because that's easiest

* Quincy's gone to her new home. We took her to my inlaws last Thursday. (Have I mentioned that they live an hour away?). When we left she didn't follow us to the door like she normally would. It was like she knew she was staying.

* My MIL has been sending me regular email updates on Quincy. Everyone is doing great! She commented on how well behaved Quincy is, which is a compliment to me. They are getting out and taking her all kinds of places. She's met the neighbors and neighbor's dogs and she played nice with them. She's fallen into a little routine already too. It makes me feel so good to know that it's going this well already.

* Ruby fell off my bed on Saturday. My bed is the only place that Ruby has really good long naps. I laid her down on Saturday when she was super fussy and blockaded her in with pillows. I watched her until she nodded off and then I left the room. About 2 minutes later I heard a THUMP. And then screaming. I rushed in with my heart in my throat to find her on the floor with a huge goose egg on her forehead. She's fine but it did a number on both of us. She wasn't herself all day, and neither was I.

* After Steve got off work on Saturday we drove 3 hours to meet up with my BIL and his girlfriend, to camp... Fuck, why do I do this to myself? Camping with a bunch of people who have never had kids, who drink too much, and me with my 7.5 month old baby - is just NOT FUN for me! It's not relaxing, it's not enjoyable. I can't (nor do I want to) drink like they do - especially while caring for Ruby (who happened to be cranky). I am always on guard and tense about everything going on around me. I worry about Ruby and keeping her safe and comfortable and not cranky. And then of course I seem like a wet blanket. It really and truly sucks ass. After this last trip I vow to never pretend to want to do it again in the name of trying to be a "fun" person - I'm fun enough in other areas of life, catch me in one of my other departments.

* And wouldn't you know it, Ruby cut her first tooth while we were camping. I'm happy that one finally came through (she's been cranky and suffering the past month or more), but what bad timing for it to happen on the camping trip. Gaaaahhhhd!

* We are currently in a major heat wave with no end in sight. I don't do well with the heat. It's so gross and I just feel disgusting and miserable. Ruby seems to take after me in this department as she's SUPER cranky and whiny. Or is that from the teething? Or is it a combo? She's been wearing nothing but a diaper since we got home from camping but still she's always soaking wet from sweat and she's developing a heat rash. The only room in our house that has A/C is our bedroom so I try to spend a bunch of time with her in there every day to try to keep cool. But there's only so much to do in a 12x14 room. Lord help us.

* Here's a picture of Ruby fishing with her Dad on our camping trip... I got a few good pictures so I guess it couldn't have been all bad:

Short hair, Canada Day

Today I got my hair cut - short.

Also, today was Canada Day and Ruby celebrated:

Mum-Mum

Ruby's been boycotting her milk the past couple of days. I don't know why.

She's been on formula for two weeks now without incident, so I don't think it's the switch from breastmilk. She whines a lot and gives me signals like she's hungry (she even recently started signing "milk" although she doesn't quite have it totally figured out yet), but then when presented with a bottle she gags on it and gives me a dirty look - even before the milk hits her tongue. Sometimes she'll drink a half bottle and then be done with the whole thing.

She's been getting better at eating solids - she LOVES carrots, and is starting to enjoy bananas mixed in with her rice cereal in the morning. As long as the food is fairly thin, and warm - she's willing to give it a shot.

I knew that eating solids would change her milk schedule - I expected that. But I didn't expect it to get so erratic. And for her to be so fussy and fickle about her bottles.

I try not to worry too much about it. I figure she knows what she wants and I'm just her slave, to present her with whatever I think she wants and hope for the best. (There has been a lot of formula dumped down my sink lately).

Admittedly, it bothers me that I seem to be misreading her ques lately though. I had gotten pretty darn good at knowing what she wants. I know when she wants milk, when she wants naps, when she wants extra attention, when she wants to chill out. But lately it seems all mixed up and I'm not getting it. It frustrates me. I have a neurotic need to be good (or better yet, perfect) at everything I do - so I hate that I seem to be misunderstanding her right now.

I know this probably wasn't the right thing to do - but after she refused a bottle today but was still acting hungry - I put her in her highchair and gave her her first Mum-mum. When all else fails, cookies are the answer - are they not? They are in my world...

She made other plans

We're doing a family BBQ this afternoon/evening for Fathers Day. My parents were coming out to visit Ruby anyways so I figured we might as well invite my brother and his little family and call it Fathers Day. That way Steve and I can do our own thing tomorrow with a clear conscience.

This morning, I talked Steve into walking to work so that I would have the car to run errands. I planned on getting Ruby up, feeding her, giving her a bath, getting her dressed, heading out to the mall (to take advantage of a sale at Old Navy), pick up some grub for the BBQ and then be home and be ready for everyone to get here by about noon or 1pm, at the latest.

However. It's now 11:19am and Ruby hasn't had a bath and we haven't left the house because Ruby apparently made other plans for today:

So I'm just trying to roll with it. I wasn't sure what we'd have for dinner anyways so now I have time to browse my cookbooks...

Eating, teething, rolling

I mentioned a few posts back that I had tried Ruby on rice cereal and that it caused her a rash so I stopped. Well, it turns out it wasn't the rice cereal causing the rash! It was this different soap that I tried on her. I didn't put it all together until the rice cereal was stopped and the rash was gone and I tried the soap again and she broke out really bad. So we're going back to the rice cereal soon, because she liked it. But first I want/need to buy a highchair, so I'm currently researching and polling people about good highchairs. Anyone have one that they *love*?

Ruby is yet to sprout any actual teeth, but oh my is she ever teething. The drool, the red cheeks, the extra puke, the ear pulling, the mouth fisting, and the baaaaaad mood... All pretty good indicators that some teeth are on the way. When they'll actually show up is anybody's guess.

Yesterday she rolled over from her tummy to her back for the first time. I made her do it 3 times in a row to make sure it wasn't a fluke. I was so proud that I was bursting with tears, which I realize is kind of silly but whatever. It's the small things.

MD Summary

Mother's Day was fine. I didn't get spoiled or pampered to the extent that some other women did but I'm ok with that. I feel very lucky that I get to celebrate Mother's Day at all, and especially lucky that Ruby is my reason for celebrating the day. I did a lot of reflecting on how I got to be a mom, and enjoying every minute with my sweetie-pie.

Steve bought Ruby a special shirt to wear for Mothers Day and I got cards from Ruby, Steve and my in-laws. We also went out for a really good sushi lunch (oh I loves me some gooood sushi). Then we spent the afternoon at my parents house while my mom fussed over Ruby. Steve and my Dad cooked a roast on the BBQ. I sipped a couple of light coolers outside in the sunshine. My brother stopped by for a visit with his fiance and kids. The kids picked me a couple of dandelions for Mother's Day, which I proudly wore behind my ear.

Pretty good day.

No breakfast in bed, no spa day, no big bouquet of flowers, no extra pampering... but do those things really matter? (Yes, they would have been a nice touch but...) In the end I have all that really matters:

PS: The other bonus is that this sets the bar for a fairly easy Father's Day...

Game 2

Tonight we're going out to watch the game. There's a Boston Pizza down the street from our place and the three of us are going to walk there to watch the game in the sports lounge. It seems like the perfect setup because:

~We're walking there, getting a bit of exercise

~I don't have to cook

~I get to get out of the house and into a "social" atmosphere

~Ruby gets to come too

~I can have a cocktail or two and it's totally ok because nobody is driving

Sounds like a good situation all around - which usually means that something will fuck up, but we'll give it a shot anyways and see how it all pans out.

Oh, and Ruby is wearing her lucky Canuck jersey again tonight but this time she has a flower in her hair so that no Dumb-Dumbs call her a boy.

Here's her game face:

Pink

Who knew that the color pink could be so much fun?

The only thing harder than painting them was getting a good picture of them:

"Special" birthday

Anyone who's been through fertility treatments knows that there is little or no romance when it comes to conception. Because of this, there is no romantic or funny story about how Ruby was concieved. It happened in a petri dish (or whatever the embryologists are using these days). And it didn't even take place inside my body. In fact, Steve and I were not even in the room when she was concieved... sounds strange doesn't it?

Does that matter? No. Because in the end a little piece of me and a little piece of him came together and the most beautiful little being that we could have ever hoped for was created.

I suppose you could say that a "bonus" of getting pregnant via IVF is that you know the exact day (you might even know the exact time) that conception occurred. And that date was one year ago today.

So I've named March 25th, Ruby's "special" birthday. And I plan on celebrating it every year.

In commemoration of her special birthday, I bought a new charm to wear on the charm bracelet that my mom gave me for giving birth to Ruby. It's a little angel - which I saw as perfectly fitting. And Steve bought an "R" charm to sit beside the angel charm as well. And every time I look at that little angel charm I will remember this special day and think of all the blood, sweat and tears that it took to have her little life created, and how it was all worth it, a billion times over.

I will also be celebrating the day by smooshing and snuggling and kissing and hugging her all day long - or as much as she will allow...