The Plan

Before Lincoln got his first UTI he was, what I would consider to be, a "good" baby.  He was happy and content and he occasionally slept through the night.  And the nights that he didn't, he was only up once between 3 and 4am - giving me lots of rest. (Well, I probably didn't think it was lots at the time but looking back...)

And then just before he turned 3 months old he got that first damned UTI and it's been downhill since then.  He's fussy and he cries and SCREAMS a lot. He's got chronic diarrhea (I rarely change a pee only diaper, but we are on that change table every couple of hours).  And the eating... the eating feels like it's non-stop. Generally he eats every two hours - around the clock.

Because of the constant feeding, he's been sleeping with me in my bed (as previously mentioned).  I did try to get him back in the bassinet but discovered that he's seriously outgrown it.  So if I want any sleep, he stays in my bed.  I don't even bother sitting up to feed him during the night anymore, I just roll over and stick a boob in his mouth.

I'm afraid that... I'm creating a monster. 

I think he's seriously attached to me - which is a good thing.  But can also be a bad thing.  He seems to get quite upset when I'm not around.  I left him and Ruby with my mom for an hour on Monday and when I returned he was screaming. I left him with Steve for one hour this week and when I came home he was screaming.  I am afraid to go too far from him and nobody (including Steve) wants to be left alone with him.

I do pump once a day and give him one bottle a day so that he's used to a bottle.  So technically someone else could feed him if I was "unavailable". (And as I type that I realize that I need to get Steve to be giving him his one bottle a day - so that they both get used to each other a little more.) 

I've decided that I will not try to change anything until after we have an official diagnosis from the urologist and then have done whatever needs to be done to prevent him from getting any more UTIs.  And once that is done and he is healthy I am going to start giving him a little bit of formula in a bottle once a day or so.  And he's likely going to be ready for solids at that point so we'll give that a go.  I'm hoping that since he'll be feeling better and he'll have a little bit of the higher caloric food in his belly, he might sleep a little longer and eventually I will get him in his crib in his own room. My big fear about putting him in his crib is that he's going to be so used to being in our bed with our warmth that he is going to feel like he's sleeping on a cold slab in his crib and  he's not going to be happy about it. (I'm open to any suggestions on how to fix that problem.)

And if I can get all that to happen then maybe, just maybe I will get a little more sleep.  And I might even regain a very small bit of personal time.  And perhaps... just a little bit of my sanity.

The Lately

Last week I had to take Lincoln back to the doctor because the medication he was on for his third UTI was making him very very sick.  He had explosive diarrhea, severe gas and I also assume from his screaming and back arching and kicking his legs that he had the bad stomach cramps that is also associate with that particular medication. My doctor told me that he had sent the pediatric urologist another referral telling him that Lincoln was an emergency and we need him seen before November 29th. 

Then on Thursday I saw what my boy would be like if he wasn't sick with a UTI or having his insides explode from medication.  Oh he was sweet, and happy, and laughing and not fussy and NOT screaming in pain.  It was pure bliss.  I had the best day on Thursday. 

Friday he started being fussy again and I phoned the urologist office myself leaving a message begging for him to be seen ASAP as I know he is going to get sick again and it's only a matter of time.  I phoned two more times on Friday only to get voice mail and have yet to hear back.

Saturday the screaming started again so I packed him up and made the drive to Children's Hospital. Two separate pediatricians looked at him and both immediately said he has phimosis (foreskin too tight) and they felt that was likely the reason for the infections.  I saw him pee and his penis ballooned up with urine before the pee came out so I could see how that would force urine back up into his plumbing - causing infections. 

The good news is that it may not be kidney reflux.  The bad news is that he may need to be circumcised - which I know is a touchy, opinionated subject for some people. I'm not particularly interested in where you stand on that issue either, I didn't want my son circumcised.  End.

The pediatricians told me that having an appointment with the urologist on the 29th is already really soon and there is pretty much no chance that we would be getting in any earlier (which explains why the pediatric urologist's office hasn't returned my calls). In the meantime I have some cortisone to apply a few times a day in hopes of loosening up the skin, and giving him a slight chance of avoiding circumcision.

And it turns out he didn't have another UTI.  But maybe you can understand why at the first sign of pain I threw him in the van and headed to the emergency room.  3 UTIs in 7 or 8 weeks is too many.  And I'm pretty stressy.  I'm on edge waiting for the next UTI to materialize. 

It's taking a fairly substantial toll on this household.  Steve and I are at each other's throats too much. Steve is afraid of being left alone with Lincoln in case he has one of his screaming fits - which means that I don't get time alone to do... much of anything.  Taking 10 minutes for a shower sometimes seems like I'm asking for the world.  Steve's life goes on relatively unaffected and I feel resentful and unappreciated.  Ruby is acting out and cries "Mommy up!" every time Lincoln squeaks because she doesn't want me to go to him.  I'm exhausted from all that and other issues that are pressing - such as my parents marriage (why is that being dumped on me anyways?), my dad's alcoholism / drug addiction / personality deterioration (he is a wreck and destroying any joy of spending family time together), my own self esteem (WHY won't my weight come off???), my loneliness (having a social life was hard with one baby - it's nonexistent with two - especially when one is sick), my job (have I posted about that disaster? I can't remember) and so on...

I know I'm the mom and it's my job to care for my kids no matter what sacrifices it takes and I'm fully on board with that. I also appreciate all that I have in the world and I know how fortunate I am.  I have been really working hard on being positive and being a good person and putting good karma out into the world. 

Some days, though? Some days I wonder if I'm going to make it through.  Yes, I know I will.  I'm tough and I'm resiliant and I love my kids so much and that gives me more strength than I could have ever imagined. But some days... some days just make me question everything. 

Good and Bad

The Good: My vertigo appears to be GONE!!! I am so bloody happy I could shout from the rooftops!!!  I felt like the treatment I had a week ago took care of it but was still getting some weird... wobbles(?) in my head.  They've slowed down considerably but I went in to see my physiotherapist yesterday anyways.  He tested me on both sides and both were NEGATIVE.  Oh I was so fucking happy I hugged him.  I feel so much better - and people have noticed.  Saw the inlaws and my parents this weekend and both commented to Steve how much better I seemed and how my eyes were more clear and how much happier I was.  No shit. Try being dizzy and have room spins for 7 weeks and see how cheerful you feel.  I'm thrilled to be feeling better.  And it's a good thing because...

The Bad: Lincoln finished a 7 day regime of antibiotics last Thursday for his second UTI.  I got a call on Friday from the pediatric urologist saying he had an appointment for November 29th.  A MONTH away.  Then Saturday, Sunday, Monday he was super cranky and the inconsolable SCREAMING was back in full swing.  I brought him in to see the doctor yesterday, was told to get another urine sample - which I brought in for testing today and guess what? Yep, he's got his THIRD UTI. 

HIS THIRD UTI IN TWO MONTHS.

My family doctor said that he is going to personally phone the ped urologist and get him in sooner.  I mean, clearly something is very wrong.  He wrote me ANOTHER prescription for Lincoln but I'm not to get it filled until I hear from the doc as they want him to grow the bacteria a little more so they can test it for something or other.  In the meantime the children's Advil is now officially free flowing in this house.  My poor little guy. 

I am so glad that my head is clear so that I can be on my game for whatever is to come in the next few weeks. 

Sick baby

I wrote a big long post this morning about my vertigo (which I still have). I was just waiting for a spare minute to finish it off and edit it. 

Then this afternoon I got a call from my doctors office letting me know that Lincoln has another urinary tract infection.  And suddenly my vertigo doesn't matter anymore.  Except for making the next few days harder than they're already going to be.

Lincoln had a UTI a few weeks back and I was warned by my doctor that if he got another one he would need a "full workup" (a shitload of tests) and would likely need to stay at Childrens Hospital for a few days.  So since then every time he made a peep I worried. 

Then a couple nights ago he started screaming.  I don't mean crying.  I mean SCREAMING. After an hour I threw him in the van and drove to the hospital emergency.  When I got there he was sleeping and I couldn't imagine taking a sleeping baby into emergency, trying to convince triage that he needed to be seen.

The next night was an exact repeat of the night before.

The next morning I took him to my doctor. We did a urine sample and the doctor told me that if he has an infection that it would be "strike two" and he will need to go to Children's Hospital.

Well... strike two.

I was told by the doctor's receptionist today that if he is screaming I should take him to emergency, if not he will be seen tomorrow morning by my doctor.  After that we will likely be headed to Children's Hospital.

Stressed?  Who me?

I can't help but think of Steve and how when he was a baby he had some problems with his testicles which ultimately resulted in some severe scarring which resulted in our male factor infertility. It's not the same issues but still.  A mother thinks all kinds of things in a situation like this.