Steve's soccer team is playing in an annual tournament in a town about a 6-7 hour drive from our home (Vernon) on the May long weekend.
Originally I planned to go too, with the kids. Then I changed my mind, thinking it would be too much work.
Then this week I realized that next Thursday morning, Steve will leave and be gone for 5 days.
That's 5 days as a single mom with a 2.5 year old and an 11 month old...
Naturally I went into panic mode and required sedation.
So it turns out that it's NOT too late for the kids and I to join in on this little trip. Heh... *phew*
Except that while I blocked out all Steve's planning and trip details over the past couple of months, he made arrangements to leave on Thursday morning to go golfing in a neighboring city with a teammate. Which just means that I would have to drive to Vernon, alone with the kids on Friday. Which... I'm going to do. But I'm a little bit nervous. But kind of excited about the trip too. The hotel has a pool and free breakfast and we have a kitchenette and there are restaurants and a mall nearby. With a little luck the weather will be decent and we have have some fun.
My concerns are these -
~ the drive, alone with two little, bitty kids.
~ Lincoln's sleeping (I don't want to mess it up)
~ being stuck in the hotel room every night from 7pm on because kids need to go to bed.
~ sticking to my diet
~ getting obsessed with planning for the next week.
Anyone who has any tips, suggestions, tricks, assvice for me? I'm all ears.
Showing posts with label Marriage after 2 kids. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage after 2 kids. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Slump
Been feeling a bit tired and blue lately and can't quite put my finger on exactly what it is. I guess it's probably a combo of a few different things.
My birthday is this Saturday. My Mom's birthday is on Monday. My Dad's 60th birthday is the following Saturday. And then Mother's Day is that Sunday. Busy time. And expensive. And I'm broke. And not a lot of time to shop.
Want to hear my selfishness? I just want to enjoy my birthday and not have to worry about planning and shopping for everyone else. I feel terrible for feeling that way. It's just that I haven't had a decent birthday in quite a few years. Last year I was hugely and most uncomfortably pregnant. The year before that I had a 4 month old baby. The previous year I was disgustingly nauseous and pregnant. And the year before that I was in a severe depression after my first failed IVF. Not to mention this past year has been a really rough one. I just want to be a princess this year but there are other people to think about and consider. I'm tired and overworked and worn out and I just want to be selfish and only think about myself.
Otherwise I'm getting tired of being stuck in my house every day. I usually don't have a vehicle and my getting out depends on the weather - which has really sucked for a really long time. Lots of rain and cold air. Hard to take the kids out in the stroller in those conditions.
Happy note - I've lost 20lbs on Weight Watchers. Still lots to go though and sometimes I just want to eat and not worry about trying to be healthy. Also, since dropping some weight my clothes don't fit. I have nothing but oversized sweat pants to wear which is normally ok since I don't get out much. But on the odd occasion that I do go out, I have nothing to wear and feel frumpy and not overly attractive. No extra cash in my pocket to get new clothes, and scared to buy anything because I plan on losing more weight. What to do. I just want to feel good about myself.
Worried about Lincoln. He's really into making strange with people who aren't me or Steve. It is difficult and annoying and frustrating and also quite embarrassing. He screams bloody murder if I leave the room and he is with someone else. He will not calm down and his freakout escalates until I return. I don't know how to fix this and I am worried about what hell we are going to go through when I go back to work in June. This one keeps me up at night. Suggestions?
I suppose these are the trials and tribulations of being a mom of a 10month old and a 28 month old. Nobody said it would be easy, I know that. Just in a bit of a slump and trying to work it out so we can all be happy.
PS: On a really positive note, Steve and I are doing much better. He has changed so much in the past few weeks and I'm so thankful and happy for it.
My birthday is this Saturday. My Mom's birthday is on Monday. My Dad's 60th birthday is the following Saturday. And then Mother's Day is that Sunday. Busy time. And expensive. And I'm broke. And not a lot of time to shop.
Want to hear my selfishness? I just want to enjoy my birthday and not have to worry about planning and shopping for everyone else. I feel terrible for feeling that way. It's just that I haven't had a decent birthday in quite a few years. Last year I was hugely and most uncomfortably pregnant. The year before that I had a 4 month old baby. The previous year I was disgustingly nauseous and pregnant. And the year before that I was in a severe depression after my first failed IVF. Not to mention this past year has been a really rough one. I just want to be a princess this year but there are other people to think about and consider. I'm tired and overworked and worn out and I just want to be selfish and only think about myself.
Otherwise I'm getting tired of being stuck in my house every day. I usually don't have a vehicle and my getting out depends on the weather - which has really sucked for a really long time. Lots of rain and cold air. Hard to take the kids out in the stroller in those conditions.
Happy note - I've lost 20lbs on Weight Watchers. Still lots to go though and sometimes I just want to eat and not worry about trying to be healthy. Also, since dropping some weight my clothes don't fit. I have nothing but oversized sweat pants to wear which is normally ok since I don't get out much. But on the odd occasion that I do go out, I have nothing to wear and feel frumpy and not overly attractive. No extra cash in my pocket to get new clothes, and scared to buy anything because I plan on losing more weight. What to do. I just want to feel good about myself.
Worried about Lincoln. He's really into making strange with people who aren't me or Steve. It is difficult and annoying and frustrating and also quite embarrassing. He screams bloody murder if I leave the room and he is with someone else. He will not calm down and his freakout escalates until I return. I don't know how to fix this and I am worried about what hell we are going to go through when I go back to work in June. This one keeps me up at night. Suggestions?
I suppose these are the trials and tribulations of being a mom of a 10month old and a 28 month old. Nobody said it would be easy, I know that. Just in a bit of a slump and trying to work it out so we can all be happy.
PS: On a really positive note, Steve and I are doing much better. He has changed so much in the past few weeks and I'm so thankful and happy for it.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Improvements
There has been a marked and drastic improvement in Steve's mood since the The Great Blowup of 2011 - although in this house we are never to speak of that night ever again. Any reference on my part to our big fight is met with a blank stare. He's remarkable that way. He is so good at denial that I swear he has the ability to almost entirely wipe the incident from his own mind. Gone. Sometimes I wish I could do that - instead of reliving it and rethinking it and second guessing and regretting.
He played in a soccer tournament all weekend this past weekend and stayed at his Mom's house. He went to a soccer party Saturday night. I was a single mom all weekend and by Sunday afternoon I was D.O.N.E. Tired and emotional and depressed that my weekend was gone and I didn't get any sort of break to reset myself. As hard as it was, I didn't take it out on him. I mean, he plays on a soccer team and there are commitments that go with that and the tournament was planned well in advance. But when it was all said and done on Sunday evening, I was in tears and told him that that was two weekends in a row that I suffered and didn't get to enjoy myself much. He said (in all earnest), "Why? What happened last weekend??"
Yesterday my dad came for a visit during the day. I was cleaning the house and while vacuuming I lifted up the area rug to clean under it and I said, "OH LOOK! Here's all Steve's problems!"
Steve came home for lunch and we all had lunch together. After Steve went back to work, my dad commented that he noticed a HUGE difference in Steve.
So it's real then. I'm not just imagining it because I want it so badly.
I'm doing my part to make things better too. I am actually listening to him tell me how his day was, or about what he read on some sports page, or about how his mom is doing. How can I complain that he never talks to me if I shut off just because he's not talking about what *I* want?
I'm working hard at not playing the part of the bitter, resentful twat. It hard because I'm really good at it, and I've always believed in investing in the natural talents that we're gifted with.
It feels good to be connecting again. It's so important to me. I'm scared that it's temporary. That it will fade, or that the next big catastrophe will hit soon and we'll be struggling through our next battle. For now though, I'm just so fucking happy to have a little peace and love that I'm soaking in every bit of it and doing everything in my power to hold on to it.
He played in a soccer tournament all weekend this past weekend and stayed at his Mom's house. He went to a soccer party Saturday night. I was a single mom all weekend and by Sunday afternoon I was D.O.N.E. Tired and emotional and depressed that my weekend was gone and I didn't get any sort of break to reset myself. As hard as it was, I didn't take it out on him. I mean, he plays on a soccer team and there are commitments that go with that and the tournament was planned well in advance. But when it was all said and done on Sunday evening, I was in tears and told him that that was two weekends in a row that I suffered and didn't get to enjoy myself much. He said (in all earnest), "Why? What happened last weekend??"
Yesterday my dad came for a visit during the day. I was cleaning the house and while vacuuming I lifted up the area rug to clean under it and I said, "OH LOOK! Here's all Steve's problems!"
Steve came home for lunch and we all had lunch together. After Steve went back to work, my dad commented that he noticed a HUGE difference in Steve.
So it's real then. I'm not just imagining it because I want it so badly.
I'm doing my part to make things better too. I am actually listening to him tell me how his day was, or about what he read on some sports page, or about how his mom is doing. How can I complain that he never talks to me if I shut off just because he's not talking about what *I* want?
I'm working hard at not playing the part of the bitter, resentful twat. It hard because I'm really good at it, and I've always believed in investing in the natural talents that we're gifted with.
It feels good to be connecting again. It's so important to me. I'm scared that it's temporary. That it will fade, or that the next big catastrophe will hit soon and we'll be struggling through our next battle. For now though, I'm just so fucking happy to have a little peace and love that I'm soaking in every bit of it and doing everything in my power to hold on to it.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Dreams, letting go, trying harder
I had a very symbolic dream last night. Amazing, really.
Steve and I were walking down a hallway. We were tired and holding on to each other for support. I felt love for him and coming from him.
A person from my past walked up behind us in the hall. This person is someone that Steve and I almost allowed to come between us in the past. Someone who caused us trouble and pain. I have held on to regret and guilt about the role I allowed this person played in our lives for a a long time.
In my dream this person walked past us. Ahead of us. Looked back at us. And then walked out a door into darkness. Gone.
Steve and I kept walking, leaning on each other. Arms draped over each other. Feeling worn out like we'd been through something physically and emotionally exhausting. A bit damaged. But together. Supporting each other.
It was a good dream. It felt right.
~~~~
My SIL phoned the other night crying. Furious again with Steve. Her relationship with my BIL is over. She has to be out of their house by Friday. She's looking for an apartment to rent. I felt horrible about it. Can't help but feel somewhat responsible. It was an email exchange with ME and my HUSBAND sent it to her spouse. I had a heavy weight on my chest.
But I'm letting that go. This may have been the straw the broke the camels back for them but the camel was on his knees. I am not responsible for their demise or her pain. I am stepping back from both of them. Whatever happens is up to them. I have so much struggle in my world right now, I can't take on their troubles. And what good would it do anyways? I would just be making myself an easy target for blame or resentment - because that would be the easiest way to deal with their problems, blaming someone else.
~~~~
The past few days have been better for Steve and I. He seems to be trying to be happier and kinder towards me. In turn I am trying to be less resentful and bitter and not so much of a bitch. I know I can be a bitch and I know it doesn't help things. We have been trying to talk in a civil and kind manner but that fact that there is talking at all is a good thing.
Steve and I were walking down a hallway. We were tired and holding on to each other for support. I felt love for him and coming from him.
A person from my past walked up behind us in the hall. This person is someone that Steve and I almost allowed to come between us in the past. Someone who caused us trouble and pain. I have held on to regret and guilt about the role I allowed this person played in our lives for a a long time.
In my dream this person walked past us. Ahead of us. Looked back at us. And then walked out a door into darkness. Gone.
Steve and I kept walking, leaning on each other. Arms draped over each other. Feeling worn out like we'd been through something physically and emotionally exhausting. A bit damaged. But together. Supporting each other.
It was a good dream. It felt right.
~~~~
My SIL phoned the other night crying. Furious again with Steve. Her relationship with my BIL is over. She has to be out of their house by Friday. She's looking for an apartment to rent. I felt horrible about it. Can't help but feel somewhat responsible. It was an email exchange with ME and my HUSBAND sent it to her spouse. I had a heavy weight on my chest.
But I'm letting that go. This may have been the straw the broke the camels back for them but the camel was on his knees. I am not responsible for their demise or her pain. I am stepping back from both of them. Whatever happens is up to them. I have so much struggle in my world right now, I can't take on their troubles. And what good would it do anyways? I would just be making myself an easy target for blame or resentment - because that would be the easiest way to deal with their problems, blaming someone else.
~~~~
The past few days have been better for Steve and I. He seems to be trying to be happier and kinder towards me. In turn I am trying to be less resentful and bitter and not so much of a bitch. I know I can be a bitch and I know it doesn't help things. We have been trying to talk in a civil and kind manner but that fact that there is talking at all is a good thing.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
On the Rocks
How I wish I was talking about cocktails...
My last post is almost embarrassing considering how far I've gone from any positive feeling in my core in a very short time.
Having two young babies so close together is very hard on a marriage. Having your husband's father die is also very hard on a marriage.
We've been distant. Bitter. Sad. Angry. Distraught. Frustrated.
Or at least I have been. I am only guessing that Steve has been too. I wouldn't be able to say for sure because he does NOT talk about things. Not about anything. It's hard for me. Particularly hard since I am in my house with two kids 2 and under for most of the day. My only means for transportation is usually a stroller. When it rains - which it does a lot here on the West Coast in winter/spring - I am literally trapped here inside my four walls.
I get lonely. I crave support, love, discussions, kind words, emotional progress. But when Steve gets home from work he's not able to provide much of any of those things.
I have felt that he's been harboring resentful or angry feelings towards me. There has not been a kind word offered. There is no touching. No kiss on the cheek. No hugs. Communication only when absolutely required. And even then, it's been cold.
I have been figuratively banging my head against the wall. Not sure what to do. I've tried everything to get him to give it up. Talk. Tell me what I've done wrong. Tell me what's bugging him. He was maintaining that everything is "fine". When asked if he'd go to marriage counseling his response was "absolutely not" - even though he has been seeing a grief counselor to process his dad's death.
Hopefully I'm not sounding too martyr-ish when I say I have given my everything, my all, all my energy and then some, all my emotions, all my goodness - my EVERYTHING to try to be supportive to him and his family, to be a good mother, to be a kind and loving wife - during a really bad time.
However I've been feeling like, to him, I am not worth an effort on his part. I have felt taken for granted.
The other day an email exchange started between myself and my BIL's girlfriend (SIL) as we planned out our MIL's birthday dinner that was to take place this Saturday. Well, as we started going back and forth with our emails, things started to come out. We started talking about the things that have been bothering us. Things that MIL has been doing that have been making our lives very difficult. How our spouses are completely absorbed by her and her grief and how they dote on her and her occasional dramarama. My BIL is the executor to the will and he had told SIL about some financial issues which she was supposed to keep silent about. She confided in me in those emails. Honestly it felt good to have someone to talk to. Someone who understands what I'm going through, who is going through something very similar to me and who knows all the players in the game. Someone to relate to. Someone who was willing to offer a sympathetic ear.
Sometime in the afternoon my phone rang. It was SIL. She said, "Steve's been reading your emails".
In typical Steve fashion - instead of calling me and discussing it, he called his brother. Told him what we were talking about, essentially ruining two relationships instead of just one.
Steve feels that SIL and I are vindictive, evil women who hate his mother.
I have explained that I do not hate his mom. Not even close. In fact I don't like some of the things she does. And I said nothing in my emails that I haven't already said to him.
He told me he's been watching me for a while. Reading my emails and my tweets. He says he knows I talk about him "behind his back". He told me he didn't love me anymore and has been thinking of leaving me for a while.
I explained that what I occasionally say about him on twitter is my way of communicating - in a joking fashion - to like minded friends who can relate to me. Everything I tweet is out in the open and I would never say anything malicious abut him. But he felt otherwise.
Likewise with my email exchange with my SIL.
Besides having to explain and defend myself, I am furious and upset and devastated that my husband has betrayed me and violated my personal life. My personal conversations. My privacy. I am broken hearted that we are in that place.
Obviously there was a lot more detail than this but I care not to get into it.
My BIL and SIL are pretty much done. This was the straw the broke the camels back for them. Why Steve had to involve my BIL I don't know but it was a bad move. My SIL is/was really, really mad at Steve. He apologized to her and she did not accept his apology - which made things worse for me because I know it bothered him but... of course... he wouldn't talk about it. And also, she is my friend and I feel somewhat responsible for what's happening to her on her end of this mess.
To make a really long story a little less long - I had a really big breakdown. Reiterating all the stuff I've been saying to him over the past few months.
He told me he'd make an effort to be a better husband. That he was going to make big changes.
The next day he got off work early. I had errands to run (since I offered to take a birthday lunch/cake to MIL the next day since her dinner at BIL and SIL's was cancelled) I managed to talk to SIL and we decided to meet for a beer with another girlfriend. Steve said it was no problem. I brought him a 6 pack of beer before I met the girls and told him I'd bring dinner home. I was out for a couple of hours. I sent him a text asking if he was doing ok with the the kids. He didn't respond. I called him. He didn't answer the phone.
When I was on my way home he finally answered. He was short with me. I asked what he would like for dinner and he said he already ate - even though it was just dinner time.
When I got home he was back in that bitter, quiet mode. He'd obviously had a hard time with the kids. I know he was frustrated. *I* know what that is like - it is my daily life. He was in a bad mood and quickly so was I. We started to argue again. It escalated. Really escalated. It got ugly. I pushed him to the limit. I knew I was doing it but couldn't stop myself. I wanted him to react to me in some way. I couldn't take the passive aggressiveness anymore. I was so desperate I was willing to take the aggressiveness without the passiveness.
He lost it. I lost it. His eyes were dilated and he was in such a crazed state that I've never seen before. I was scared and mad and sad and very hysterical. Our yelling woke Lincoln from his sleep. Ruby... my precious, intelligent Ruby saw and heard everything. For that, I will NEVER forgive myself. I even have a difficult time typing it out. I HATE MYSELF when I think about her big blue eyes staring at me laying on the floor bawling. HATE. MYSELF.
HATE.
Steve ended up leaving. Saying he wouldn't be back for two weeks and I would be hearing from a lawyer. He returned a short time later when he had called his mom and she wouldn't come pick him up...
In a panic I called my SIL who came over and took Steve downstairs and had a really big talk with him while I cuddled Ruby in bed.
Eventually things calmed down and SIL left.
Steve and I slept in the same bed, with Ruby in the middle. I layed my head on his chest and sobbed. (Ruby was deeply sleeping by then).
Now... now... Steve has once again said he is going to try to be a better husband. And I'll admit today has seen an improvement. But there is some heavy underlying tension. I am afraid to be anything less than smiling and happy even though my heart aches so badly.
We have been torn apart and we need to rebuild. I just hope we have the ability to do it without ruining ourselves. I know that my kids may see us argue again but they will NEVER again see anything so obnoxious as Friday night's events. I grew up seeing that over and over and over. That was my childhood. It's not theirs. It will never be theirs. I promise.
Steve's dad's death has done more damage than I thought it would. And my efforts to help and nurture and care for Steve have been sadly, futile. I cared for him the way I would have wanted to be cared for in such a situation. I've never been through a family member's death before and I did what I thought was best.
I desperately want to have a happy life, a happy marriage. I deserve it. I deserve better that what I've been given recently. I can only do so much, be so much, give so much of myself. It will take me a very long time to heal from this. I don't really know how or where to begin. I am just trying to take small steps forward in whatever way feels the most right.
Note: I do not know if Steve reads this blog or not but I have written this assuming he will read it and I have been completely open and honest and fair and regret nothing I have said here.
Ok, here goes... publish post.
My last post is almost embarrassing considering how far I've gone from any positive feeling in my core in a very short time.
Having two young babies so close together is very hard on a marriage. Having your husband's father die is also very hard on a marriage.
We've been distant. Bitter. Sad. Angry. Distraught. Frustrated.
Or at least I have been. I am only guessing that Steve has been too. I wouldn't be able to say for sure because he does NOT talk about things. Not about anything. It's hard for me. Particularly hard since I am in my house with two kids 2 and under for most of the day. My only means for transportation is usually a stroller. When it rains - which it does a lot here on the West Coast in winter/spring - I am literally trapped here inside my four walls.
I get lonely. I crave support, love, discussions, kind words, emotional progress. But when Steve gets home from work he's not able to provide much of any of those things.
I have felt that he's been harboring resentful or angry feelings towards me. There has not been a kind word offered. There is no touching. No kiss on the cheek. No hugs. Communication only when absolutely required. And even then, it's been cold.
I have been figuratively banging my head against the wall. Not sure what to do. I've tried everything to get him to give it up. Talk. Tell me what I've done wrong. Tell me what's bugging him. He was maintaining that everything is "fine". When asked if he'd go to marriage counseling his response was "absolutely not" - even though he has been seeing a grief counselor to process his dad's death.
Hopefully I'm not sounding too martyr-ish when I say I have given my everything, my all, all my energy and then some, all my emotions, all my goodness - my EVERYTHING to try to be supportive to him and his family, to be a good mother, to be a kind and loving wife - during a really bad time.
However I've been feeling like, to him, I am not worth an effort on his part. I have felt taken for granted.
The other day an email exchange started between myself and my BIL's girlfriend (SIL) as we planned out our MIL's birthday dinner that was to take place this Saturday. Well, as we started going back and forth with our emails, things started to come out. We started talking about the things that have been bothering us. Things that MIL has been doing that have been making our lives very difficult. How our spouses are completely absorbed by her and her grief and how they dote on her and her occasional dramarama. My BIL is the executor to the will and he had told SIL about some financial issues which she was supposed to keep silent about. She confided in me in those emails. Honestly it felt good to have someone to talk to. Someone who understands what I'm going through, who is going through something very similar to me and who knows all the players in the game. Someone to relate to. Someone who was willing to offer a sympathetic ear.
Sometime in the afternoon my phone rang. It was SIL. She said, "Steve's been reading your emails".
In typical Steve fashion - instead of calling me and discussing it, he called his brother. Told him what we were talking about, essentially ruining two relationships instead of just one.
Steve feels that SIL and I are vindictive, evil women who hate his mother.
I have explained that I do not hate his mom. Not even close. In fact I don't like some of the things she does. And I said nothing in my emails that I haven't already said to him.
He told me he's been watching me for a while. Reading my emails and my tweets. He says he knows I talk about him "behind his back". He told me he didn't love me anymore and has been thinking of leaving me for a while.
I explained that what I occasionally say about him on twitter is my way of communicating - in a joking fashion - to like minded friends who can relate to me. Everything I tweet is out in the open and I would never say anything malicious abut him. But he felt otherwise.
Likewise with my email exchange with my SIL.
Besides having to explain and defend myself, I am furious and upset and devastated that my husband has betrayed me and violated my personal life. My personal conversations. My privacy. I am broken hearted that we are in that place.
Obviously there was a lot more detail than this but I care not to get into it.
My BIL and SIL are pretty much done. This was the straw the broke the camels back for them. Why Steve had to involve my BIL I don't know but it was a bad move. My SIL is/was really, really mad at Steve. He apologized to her and she did not accept his apology - which made things worse for me because I know it bothered him but... of course... he wouldn't talk about it. And also, she is my friend and I feel somewhat responsible for what's happening to her on her end of this mess.
To make a really long story a little less long - I had a really big breakdown. Reiterating all the stuff I've been saying to him over the past few months.
He told me he'd make an effort to be a better husband. That he was going to make big changes.
The next day he got off work early. I had errands to run (since I offered to take a birthday lunch/cake to MIL the next day since her dinner at BIL and SIL's was cancelled) I managed to talk to SIL and we decided to meet for a beer with another girlfriend. Steve said it was no problem. I brought him a 6 pack of beer before I met the girls and told him I'd bring dinner home. I was out for a couple of hours. I sent him a text asking if he was doing ok with the the kids. He didn't respond. I called him. He didn't answer the phone.
When I was on my way home he finally answered. He was short with me. I asked what he would like for dinner and he said he already ate - even though it was just dinner time.
When I got home he was back in that bitter, quiet mode. He'd obviously had a hard time with the kids. I know he was frustrated. *I* know what that is like - it is my daily life. He was in a bad mood and quickly so was I. We started to argue again. It escalated. Really escalated. It got ugly. I pushed him to the limit. I knew I was doing it but couldn't stop myself. I wanted him to react to me in some way. I couldn't take the passive aggressiveness anymore. I was so desperate I was willing to take the aggressiveness without the passiveness.
He lost it. I lost it. His eyes were dilated and he was in such a crazed state that I've never seen before. I was scared and mad and sad and very hysterical. Our yelling woke Lincoln from his sleep. Ruby... my precious, intelligent Ruby saw and heard everything. For that, I will NEVER forgive myself. I even have a difficult time typing it out. I HATE MYSELF when I think about her big blue eyes staring at me laying on the floor bawling. HATE. MYSELF.
HATE.
Steve ended up leaving. Saying he wouldn't be back for two weeks and I would be hearing from a lawyer. He returned a short time later when he had called his mom and she wouldn't come pick him up...
In a panic I called my SIL who came over and took Steve downstairs and had a really big talk with him while I cuddled Ruby in bed.
Eventually things calmed down and SIL left.
Steve and I slept in the same bed, with Ruby in the middle. I layed my head on his chest and sobbed. (Ruby was deeply sleeping by then).
Now... now... Steve has once again said he is going to try to be a better husband. And I'll admit today has seen an improvement. But there is some heavy underlying tension. I am afraid to be anything less than smiling and happy even though my heart aches so badly.
We have been torn apart and we need to rebuild. I just hope we have the ability to do it without ruining ourselves. I know that my kids may see us argue again but they will NEVER again see anything so obnoxious as Friday night's events. I grew up seeing that over and over and over. That was my childhood. It's not theirs. It will never be theirs. I promise.
Steve's dad's death has done more damage than I thought it would. And my efforts to help and nurture and care for Steve have been sadly, futile. I cared for him the way I would have wanted to be cared for in such a situation. I've never been through a family member's death before and I did what I thought was best.
I desperately want to have a happy life, a happy marriage. I deserve it. I deserve better that what I've been given recently. I can only do so much, be so much, give so much of myself. It will take me a very long time to heal from this. I don't really know how or where to begin. I am just trying to take small steps forward in whatever way feels the most right.
Note: I do not know if Steve reads this blog or not but I have written this assuming he will read it and I have been completely open and honest and fair and regret nothing I have said here.
Ok, here goes... publish post.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Lately, in random form
I had one more little brush with my FIL in the days after his death. A couple days after he passed I had been having a challenging morning. I was standing at the stove, ready to steam an egg in the frying pan, I sprayed the pan with cooking spray and added just enough water to cover the bottom and turned the burner on. When the water heated it separated and formed a heart in the middle of the pan. I suddenly had a strong feeling that he was responsible for it and that he was sending me some love and encouragement. I started to cry but felt better knowing that he was there for me. Since then, the "signs" have subsided.
Death is a strange thing when you're expecting it. It seems that when we lose a loved one unexpectedly, we are hit with all the grief and struggling to deal with it all after the death. But when we lose a loved one when we are expecting it - like we just did - it seems that much of the grief is doled out in a sporadic torrent in the time leading up to the death. Waiting for someone to die is horrible. The anxiety of it, the anticipation, the overwhelming sadness of watching someone deteriorate and imagining/dreading what life is going to be like without them. Then when they do pass, there is almost a relief (accompanied by guilt) that the worst is over. But the feelings of loss and sadness and that aching place in our hearts remain.
Steve and I are struggling in our relationship. Or maybe I should say that I am struggling, Steve seems to think everything is ok. I feel lonely. I feel unloved, unsupported, unimportant. I realize Steve just lost his father and he's grieving but I am still his wife and I need some love too. There are no kisses on the cheek, no hugs, no cuddles, no encouraging words, no thank-yous. Yesterday I had a shitty day and was feeling blue and I mentioned it to him and his response was a snarly, "Why!?" He was clearly annoyed that I showed a crack in my Stepfordness. Steve is a wonderful father and loves his kids so much and for that I am ever thankful. But he could step it up in the husband department. He doesn't seem to think I need it - despite numerous discussions/arguments in which I tell him how I feel and he ignores me by watching sports on TV or pretends to be sleeping. I've suggested/begged that we go for some marriage counselling and he flat out refuses - even though he is seeing a counselor about losing his dad. One more thing that makes me feel like I'm not important enough to him. My only hope now is that I get some counseling on my own - if only I could afford it. (Steve's is covered by his company). Most of the time I just block out my feelings and keep on doing my thing - because it's easier to just accept my fate than to try to fix it sometimes. But sometimes it just really feels bad.
In happier news, I've lost 11lbs. I joined Weight Watchers back in January and it's been working out really well for me. I hope to be able to keep going and get to a place where I'm happy and comfortable with my body. It has been really hard with having 3 other people who usually get put before me, but I've managed to stick to it. I am determined.
Steve's 40th birthday is this Friday. I've planned all kinds of things. I arranged to have someone come over on Friday and watch the kids so he and I can go out for dinner. I arranged a surprise lunch/beers at the pub the following day with all his friends. And I bought him a trip for two to go to Calgary, stay in a fancy hotel (cashed in my airmiles), and great tickets to go see the Canucks (our hockey team) play. My mom and dad are looking after the kids for the weekend. I hope he enjoys it and appreciates all that went into it. I am looking forward to a weekend away.
UPDATE:
Just got a call from my MIL. She tells me that her and my BIL put some money together to buy a travel voucher for the friends who helped nurse my FIL during his illness. They are both retired nurses and they never left his bedside during the last week and they were simply amazing. I knew that they were going to buy them a travel voucher to thankt hem and I had asked if we could contribute to it. So MIL just called to tell me that the voucher was purchased and they were putting all our names on it. I told her that we would have liked to contribute and she laughed at me. No, we can't afford it but we could have found some money for it. It would have meant a lot to me to contribute. I feel embarrassed and sad that they left us out - even though our names are on it.
She also told me that the funeral home called and told her that FIL's ashes are ready to be picked up. I knew she would have a hard time with that so I offered for Steve and I go collect them. She told me that she hoped I wasn't offended but that she wanted his ashes spread on his birthday and she only wanted it to be her and Steve and my BIL and that they would pick up the ashes that day. I told her I'm not offended and she should do what makes her happy. But since I can be honest here, I'll tell you that I'm sad and yes, a little hurt. I loved him too and I did all that I could during his illness to help everyone and be as positive and loving and caring as I could. I feel sad that they don't want me there for his final goodbye. I will be ok, I will get over it. It just adds to the hurt that I'm already carrying right now.
Death is a strange thing when you're expecting it. It seems that when we lose a loved one unexpectedly, we are hit with all the grief and struggling to deal with it all after the death. But when we lose a loved one when we are expecting it - like we just did - it seems that much of the grief is doled out in a sporadic torrent in the time leading up to the death. Waiting for someone to die is horrible. The anxiety of it, the anticipation, the overwhelming sadness of watching someone deteriorate and imagining/dreading what life is going to be like without them. Then when they do pass, there is almost a relief (accompanied by guilt) that the worst is over. But the feelings of loss and sadness and that aching place in our hearts remain.
Steve and I are struggling in our relationship. Or maybe I should say that I am struggling, Steve seems to think everything is ok. I feel lonely. I feel unloved, unsupported, unimportant. I realize Steve just lost his father and he's grieving but I am still his wife and I need some love too. There are no kisses on the cheek, no hugs, no cuddles, no encouraging words, no thank-yous. Yesterday I had a shitty day and was feeling blue and I mentioned it to him and his response was a snarly, "Why!?" He was clearly annoyed that I showed a crack in my Stepfordness. Steve is a wonderful father and loves his kids so much and for that I am ever thankful. But he could step it up in the husband department. He doesn't seem to think I need it - despite numerous discussions/arguments in which I tell him how I feel and he ignores me by watching sports on TV or pretends to be sleeping. I've suggested/begged that we go for some marriage counselling and he flat out refuses - even though he is seeing a counselor about losing his dad. One more thing that makes me feel like I'm not important enough to him. My only hope now is that I get some counseling on my own - if only I could afford it. (Steve's is covered by his company). Most of the time I just block out my feelings and keep on doing my thing - because it's easier to just accept my fate than to try to fix it sometimes. But sometimes it just really feels bad.
In happier news, I've lost 11lbs. I joined Weight Watchers back in January and it's been working out really well for me. I hope to be able to keep going and get to a place where I'm happy and comfortable with my body. It has been really hard with having 3 other people who usually get put before me, but I've managed to stick to it. I am determined.
Steve's 40th birthday is this Friday. I've planned all kinds of things. I arranged to have someone come over on Friday and watch the kids so he and I can go out for dinner. I arranged a surprise lunch/beers at the pub the following day with all his friends. And I bought him a trip for two to go to Calgary, stay in a fancy hotel (cashed in my airmiles), and great tickets to go see the Canucks (our hockey team) play. My mom and dad are looking after the kids for the weekend. I hope he enjoys it and appreciates all that went into it. I am looking forward to a weekend away.
UPDATE:
Just got a call from my MIL. She tells me that her and my BIL put some money together to buy a travel voucher for the friends who helped nurse my FIL during his illness. They are both retired nurses and they never left his bedside during the last week and they were simply amazing. I knew that they were going to buy them a travel voucher to thankt hem and I had asked if we could contribute to it. So MIL just called to tell me that the voucher was purchased and they were putting all our names on it. I told her that we would have liked to contribute and she laughed at me. No, we can't afford it but we could have found some money for it. It would have meant a lot to me to contribute. I feel embarrassed and sad that they left us out - even though our names are on it.
She also told me that the funeral home called and told her that FIL's ashes are ready to be picked up. I knew she would have a hard time with that so I offered for Steve and I go collect them. She told me that she hoped I wasn't offended but that she wanted his ashes spread on his birthday and she only wanted it to be her and Steve and my BIL and that they would pick up the ashes that day. I told her I'm not offended and she should do what makes her happy. But since I can be honest here, I'll tell you that I'm sad and yes, a little hurt. I loved him too and I did all that I could during his illness to help everyone and be as positive and loving and caring as I could. I feel sad that they don't want me there for his final goodbye. I will be ok, I will get over it. It just adds to the hurt that I'm already carrying right now.
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
I'm a jerk.
At risk of sounding like a selfish, mean, ignorant, cold bitch and alienating all my readers - I am going to go ahead and unload a shitload of thoughts and feelings here that may not leave me in the best of light. I have no choice - if I do not let it out I may implode or explode and I can think of no other "safe-ish" place to do it.
Now, where to start...
I guess to catch you all up on the situation, I'll tell you that Steve's dad took a turn for the worse. His body is riddled with cancer. He has it in his brain, liver, lungs, adrenal gland, spine and likely his colon. The doctor who said he would be back on the golf course by the spring gave everybody false hope and I feel he was very irresponsible in doing that and I would like to personally find him and kick him in the balls. Steve's dad was home but is back in the hospital now as he can not stand up and he is too weak to even hold a newspaper. He's been given a catheter and has a bedsore already. He's got minimal appetite and has lost a load of weight. We were last told that he's got about 6 weeks left. We are all completely fucking devastated. It just sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks.
My MIL has been outstanding. She really has. She's been so strong and I am amazed and impressed by her. Sad that her and I have never gotten along better than we have since my FIL's diagnosis - but I do feel that good will come from bad and I'm happy with this bit of goodness. I have been calling her regularly to check on her, bringing her meals whenever I go visit (which is once a week), and bringing her little gifts and treats whenever I can. She seems to really appreciate it and that makes me feel good.
I wrote my FIL a letter. I wanted him to know how I feel about him and the great job he's done as father to Steve. I wanted him and my MIL to know how I feel and I would never get the chance to say it verbally. They both loved the letter and said my words were beautiful.
I bring the kids to see my FIL at every chance I get. They bring him (and my MIL) such joy and I want him to have as much joy as possible. I also want the kids to spend as much time with him as possible even if they won't remember it later in life.
Where my issues lie are with my husband. (Here's where I make myself look like an asshole.) I feel like he's not dealing with his father's illness very well at all. (I know, I know - we all grieve differently but I think it's more than that) He's always been a softy and an emotional person and he is VERY close with his dad so I expected him to be really sad and to have some struggles. I expected tears and emotions. But I am starting to think that it's getting out of control and that he's perhaps being a little bit... selfish about the whole thing. Last weekend when we went to visit in the hospital we had a nice visit until we were ready to leave and Steve absolutely fell apart. I stood off to the side of the room with the kids, waiting for him to hug and kiss his dad but he started sobbing and waved me out of the room. I had to pack Ruby and Lincoln (who is now over 21lbs, by the way) out of the hospital and load them into the van by myself. Steve showed up a while later, a complete wreck, sobbing and saying he's never seen his dad so upset. Well, darling... that is because you were so upset in front of him. The man is dying - can we not give him the gift of at least restraining ourselves from falling apart in front of him? He wants to know that we're going to be ok after he's gone - I feel it's unfair to unload our sorrow onto him. He then had me drive to his moms house so he could bawl on her shoulder. She was a bit chuffed at him and told him that we have to just deal with this shitty part of life and he needs to keep his chin up. I also felt that that maybe wasn't fair for him to do to his mom - she's dealing with SO MUCH already. I feel like Steve still wants to be a little boy and for his mom and dad (and brother) to take care of him. He needs to man up a bit.
His family has started leaving him out of decisions and family meetings and discussions because he can't seem to handle any of it. But he gets upset to not be involved. I honestly don't blame them. Everybody is dealing with their own grief and their own problems and trying to make the best of the time they have left and it's hard for them to have to deal with Steve's sobbing on top of all of that.
And if you think that sounds cold... just wait. I've got more.
Steve will use any and all opportunity to elicit sympathy from people. My mom asked him the other day if he's busy at work and he replied that he had to go for a little walk by himself to sort out his thoughts. Uh, not what she was asking. He gets all weepy at the drop of the hat. He'll call me to talk about banking and it somehow gets turned around to him being sad and he'll get all choked up. I mean, I've been nothing but supportive to him. He has been seeing a counselor and everyone around him is trying to help him. And I kinda feel like he's liking it, too much. He seems to LOVE people giving him sympathy. I sometimes think he uses this situation to get attention.
...I'm going to hell.
He is mopey around the house. He cries in front of our kids. He isn't supportive of me. He hates it if I say anything that isn't 100% sympathetic to him and his needs. He is distant from me. He wants me to care for him and the kids and the house and he gives nothing in return - all in the name of grief.
I work HARD all day every day. The added stress and requirements with his dad's illness have added to my physical and emotional work load. I don't complain. I don't. I feel it is my job and I suck it up and I do what I have to do. At the end of the day when I'm tired and yes, sometimes depressed and sad over the situation - he rarely notices. He's too consumed with his own self. It's not about ME, I know that. But I'm lonely and tired and sad and need some sort of comfort and companionship.
Yes, his dad is dying but Steve is still a husband and a father and he has responsibilities to me and to us.
To add to the misery - he recently cracked a rib while playing soccer. Good lord, he's on about it every chance he gets. He cries and complains and fucking whines about it all day and night. The other night he woke me in the middle of the night to tell me he slipped off his pillow and could I adjust him back onto his pillow because it hurt him too much and he couldn't move. Really? And even though he's been to the doctor and he's been told there's nothing they can do for a cracked rib except have him take lots of Advil - he still keeps threatening he's going to take himself to emergency because it hurts so bad. Oh for fuck sakes, suck it up! I realize how painful a cracked rib can be but good lord I am so sick and tired of hearing about his fucking painful ribs and watching him mope around wallowing in self sorrow.
I'm running out of Mrs. Nice Wife. I'm starting to get short with him and frustrated by the little things - like him breathing too loud, or scraping his teeth on his fork, or getting sucked into fucking Facebook like a bloody zombie while the house falls apart around him. Sometimes my kids get on my nerves because I've been so frazzled by everything else and have little support.
Ok, that's enough - kids are fussing and Steve has called saying he's on his way home for his lunch (which I need to make). I've said enough to guarantee myself a spot in hell now anyways. I had to get it out though. Thanks for listening/reading. Try not to judge me too harshly.
Now, where to start...
I guess to catch you all up on the situation, I'll tell you that Steve's dad took a turn for the worse. His body is riddled with cancer. He has it in his brain, liver, lungs, adrenal gland, spine and likely his colon. The doctor who said he would be back on the golf course by the spring gave everybody false hope and I feel he was very irresponsible in doing that and I would like to personally find him and kick him in the balls. Steve's dad was home but is back in the hospital now as he can not stand up and he is too weak to even hold a newspaper. He's been given a catheter and has a bedsore already. He's got minimal appetite and has lost a load of weight. We were last told that he's got about 6 weeks left. We are all completely fucking devastated. It just sucks. Sucks. Sucks. Sucks.
My MIL has been outstanding. She really has. She's been so strong and I am amazed and impressed by her. Sad that her and I have never gotten along better than we have since my FIL's diagnosis - but I do feel that good will come from bad and I'm happy with this bit of goodness. I have been calling her regularly to check on her, bringing her meals whenever I go visit (which is once a week), and bringing her little gifts and treats whenever I can. She seems to really appreciate it and that makes me feel good.
I wrote my FIL a letter. I wanted him to know how I feel about him and the great job he's done as father to Steve. I wanted him and my MIL to know how I feel and I would never get the chance to say it verbally. They both loved the letter and said my words were beautiful.
I bring the kids to see my FIL at every chance I get. They bring him (and my MIL) such joy and I want him to have as much joy as possible. I also want the kids to spend as much time with him as possible even if they won't remember it later in life.
Where my issues lie are with my husband. (Here's where I make myself look like an asshole.) I feel like he's not dealing with his father's illness very well at all. (I know, I know - we all grieve differently but I think it's more than that) He's always been a softy and an emotional person and he is VERY close with his dad so I expected him to be really sad and to have some struggles. I expected tears and emotions. But I am starting to think that it's getting out of control and that he's perhaps being a little bit... selfish about the whole thing. Last weekend when we went to visit in the hospital we had a nice visit until we were ready to leave and Steve absolutely fell apart. I stood off to the side of the room with the kids, waiting for him to hug and kiss his dad but he started sobbing and waved me out of the room. I had to pack Ruby and Lincoln (who is now over 21lbs, by the way) out of the hospital and load them into the van by myself. Steve showed up a while later, a complete wreck, sobbing and saying he's never seen his dad so upset. Well, darling... that is because you were so upset in front of him. The man is dying - can we not give him the gift of at least restraining ourselves from falling apart in front of him? He wants to know that we're going to be ok after he's gone - I feel it's unfair to unload our sorrow onto him. He then had me drive to his moms house so he could bawl on her shoulder. She was a bit chuffed at him and told him that we have to just deal with this shitty part of life and he needs to keep his chin up. I also felt that that maybe wasn't fair for him to do to his mom - she's dealing with SO MUCH already. I feel like Steve still wants to be a little boy and for his mom and dad (and brother) to take care of him. He needs to man up a bit.
His family has started leaving him out of decisions and family meetings and discussions because he can't seem to handle any of it. But he gets upset to not be involved. I honestly don't blame them. Everybody is dealing with their own grief and their own problems and trying to make the best of the time they have left and it's hard for them to have to deal with Steve's sobbing on top of all of that.
And if you think that sounds cold... just wait. I've got more.
Steve will use any and all opportunity to elicit sympathy from people. My mom asked him the other day if he's busy at work and he replied that he had to go for a little walk by himself to sort out his thoughts. Uh, not what she was asking. He gets all weepy at the drop of the hat. He'll call me to talk about banking and it somehow gets turned around to him being sad and he'll get all choked up. I mean, I've been nothing but supportive to him. He has been seeing a counselor and everyone around him is trying to help him. And I kinda feel like he's liking it, too much. He seems to LOVE people giving him sympathy. I sometimes think he uses this situation to get attention.
...I'm going to hell.
He is mopey around the house. He cries in front of our kids. He isn't supportive of me. He hates it if I say anything that isn't 100% sympathetic to him and his needs. He is distant from me. He wants me to care for him and the kids and the house and he gives nothing in return - all in the name of grief.
I work HARD all day every day. The added stress and requirements with his dad's illness have added to my physical and emotional work load. I don't complain. I don't. I feel it is my job and I suck it up and I do what I have to do. At the end of the day when I'm tired and yes, sometimes depressed and sad over the situation - he rarely notices. He's too consumed with his own self. It's not about ME, I know that. But I'm lonely and tired and sad and need some sort of comfort and companionship.
Yes, his dad is dying but Steve is still a husband and a father and he has responsibilities to me and to us.
To add to the misery - he recently cracked a rib while playing soccer. Good lord, he's on about it every chance he gets. He cries and complains and fucking whines about it all day and night. The other night he woke me in the middle of the night to tell me he slipped off his pillow and could I adjust him back onto his pillow because it hurt him too much and he couldn't move. Really? And even though he's been to the doctor and he's been told there's nothing they can do for a cracked rib except have him take lots of Advil - he still keeps threatening he's going to take himself to emergency because it hurts so bad. Oh for fuck sakes, suck it up! I realize how painful a cracked rib can be but good lord I am so sick and tired of hearing about his fucking painful ribs and watching him mope around wallowing in self sorrow.
I'm running out of Mrs. Nice Wife. I'm starting to get short with him and frustrated by the little things - like him breathing too loud, or scraping his teeth on his fork, or getting sucked into fucking Facebook like a bloody zombie while the house falls apart around him. Sometimes my kids get on my nerves because I've been so frazzled by everything else and have little support.
Ok, that's enough - kids are fussing and Steve has called saying he's on his way home for his lunch (which I need to make). I've said enough to guarantee myself a spot in hell now anyways. I had to get it out though. Thanks for listening/reading. Try not to judge me too harshly.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Time for change
Back to your regularly scheduled programming...
I'm in a bad place. I'm hanging by a thread, twisting in the wind. I am crying out for help and nobody is listening. I don't know how much more clear I could be to those around me that I need help. I tell Steve every day how badly I am struggling. I have told my inlaws at every opportunity that I get. I have told my parents - who seem to be the most concerned about me, and the most sympathetic. But nobody is stepping up to offer help. And things are growing worse. Things are getting dire.
Too many things have gone wrong over the past few months and I've had to deal with them all myself and I am getting to the breaking point.
I have been making a little progress with Lincon's sleep problems and I am encouraged when I see that progress, knowing that I'm responsible for it - but it's far, far from being anything close to acceptable. Last night was a particularly bad night with him. And I've had a particularly bad morning.
I am sleep deprived. Frustrated. Irritated. Resentful.
My marriage is not good - although Steve would never admit such a thing. We are little more than room mates. Co-parenting. I try to talk to him about it but he walks away from me. Literally, walks away from me. It feels so disrespectful. He wants me to magically be happy. Solve my own problems. Solve my kids problems. And leave him out of any of the tough stuff. You've heard of "fair weather friends", he is my "fair weather husband". There is no effort on his part to work on anything between us. He does nothing to make me feel loved, wanted, attractive, appreciated. I do not have the energy to do whatever needs to be done on my part to try to make things better.
I'm lonely.
My appearance makes me sad. I feel like a fat, frumpy mother of two who has let herself go. In fairness to myself I haven't really let myself go so much as I have had no choice but to put all my efforts and energy into other places. And really, nobody cares what I look like anyways. Nobody sees me. I don't get out unless it's to the grocery store and the clerks there don't care that my ass is fat or that my hair is flat, or that I only had time to put on mascara. My kids don't care. Steve doesn't seem to either. I feel invisible.
The past few months have taken a serious toll on me.
I don't like where I'm at. I need change. For the sake of myself, for the sake of my family.
I've come to realize that nobody is going to help me, I need to help myself.
I can not wait for the new year to start to fix this. I need to get on it right away.
I am going to contact the expensive sleep consultant and hire her. Today. Fuck it. It's expensive and I can not afford it but I am bearing the weight of this problem alone - if I have to pay someone to help me, so be it. I can not read any book fast enough or thoroughly enough to solve this on my own. I will put all my effort into getting Lincoln's sleep habits on track, and therefore getting some sleep of my own. I need to be able to think more clearly, feel less sluggish and tired and worn down.
Then, I'm going to work on regaining my life, or should I say creating a new life for myself since whatever my life has been in the past is no longer applicable. One step at a time. The marriage. My weight and appearance. My social life. Not necessarily in that order.
Its time I started caring for myself and stopped waiting for someone else to do it.
I'm in a bad place. I'm hanging by a thread, twisting in the wind. I am crying out for help and nobody is listening. I don't know how much more clear I could be to those around me that I need help. I tell Steve every day how badly I am struggling. I have told my inlaws at every opportunity that I get. I have told my parents - who seem to be the most concerned about me, and the most sympathetic. But nobody is stepping up to offer help. And things are growing worse. Things are getting dire.
Too many things have gone wrong over the past few months and I've had to deal with them all myself and I am getting to the breaking point.
I have been making a little progress with Lincon's sleep problems and I am encouraged when I see that progress, knowing that I'm responsible for it - but it's far, far from being anything close to acceptable. Last night was a particularly bad night with him. And I've had a particularly bad morning.
I am sleep deprived. Frustrated. Irritated. Resentful.
My marriage is not good - although Steve would never admit such a thing. We are little more than room mates. Co-parenting. I try to talk to him about it but he walks away from me. Literally, walks away from me. It feels so disrespectful. He wants me to magically be happy. Solve my own problems. Solve my kids problems. And leave him out of any of the tough stuff. You've heard of "fair weather friends", he is my "fair weather husband". There is no effort on his part to work on anything between us. He does nothing to make me feel loved, wanted, attractive, appreciated. I do not have the energy to do whatever needs to be done on my part to try to make things better.
I'm lonely.
My appearance makes me sad. I feel like a fat, frumpy mother of two who has let herself go. In fairness to myself I haven't really let myself go so much as I have had no choice but to put all my efforts and energy into other places. And really, nobody cares what I look like anyways. Nobody sees me. I don't get out unless it's to the grocery store and the clerks there don't care that my ass is fat or that my hair is flat, or that I only had time to put on mascara. My kids don't care. Steve doesn't seem to either. I feel invisible.
The past few months have taken a serious toll on me.
I don't like where I'm at. I need change. For the sake of myself, for the sake of my family.
I've come to realize that nobody is going to help me, I need to help myself.
I can not wait for the new year to start to fix this. I need to get on it right away.
I am going to contact the expensive sleep consultant and hire her. Today. Fuck it. It's expensive and I can not afford it but I am bearing the weight of this problem alone - if I have to pay someone to help me, so be it. I can not read any book fast enough or thoroughly enough to solve this on my own. I will put all my effort into getting Lincoln's sleep habits on track, and therefore getting some sleep of my own. I need to be able to think more clearly, feel less sluggish and tired and worn down.
Then, I'm going to work on regaining my life, or should I say creating a new life for myself since whatever my life has been in the past is no longer applicable. One step at a time. The marriage. My weight and appearance. My social life. Not necessarily in that order.
Its time I started caring for myself and stopped waiting for someone else to do it.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
The Door Incident
Last night after dinner Steve and I decided to go for a walk. So after rounding up and strapping down the kids we headed out, me pushing the double stroller. It was hot hot hot outside, making the double stroller extra work to push. I was sweating and tired.
While walking we decided to stop at Booster Juice for a smoothie.
Walking up to the door we were discussing what kind of smoothie we should get.
We got to the door of Booster Juice and Steve opened it, walked through it and then let it close behind him... leaving me standing just outside with the big double stroller. I stared/glared through the glass door at him thinking he would quickly realize his mistake and turn around, apologizing.
He didn't.
I watched him walk through the store, up to the counter to order.
There happened to be a group of 6 men standing just inside the door who all saw what happened and when they realized Steve wasn't going to come open the door, one of them jumped off his stool and opened the door for me.
I thanked him - which made Steve turn around and realize what had just happened.
He laughed sheepishly and said, "Oh I thought you were going to just wait outside."
Outside? In the sweltering heat? With two babies? When it's cool and air conditioned inside?
Really?
I could have made a big deal about it but I didn't. It wouldn't have done me any good. I did let him know that it wasn't very nice of him but he totally brushed me off.
How I really feel about it? It made me feel really bad. It hurt my heart. I'm the mother of his two babies and I work hard to keep every one happy and cared for and it's hard, hard work. And I'm tired everyday but I keep doing what needs to be done to raise two happy healthy kids and a maintain a decent marriage. And I do try to care for my marriage. I'm always trying to think of ways to show him that I love him despite being exhausted and not always wanting to put in that extra effort.
Him letting the door close in my face made me feel really unappreciated, uncared for and unloved. Like I don't matter. I don't want to feel taken for granted.
I would also like my kids to grow up seeing that their parents love and respect each other - something I did not get to experience.
I know he has it in him. When I met him and for the first few years of our marriage, he was a doting husband. He would fall all over himself for me. Now, not so much. Am I to blame? Maybe a bit, I know I can be a naggy bitch sometimes.
I know it was probably just an absent minded man thing and I should let it go - and I will. I know that I'm over analyzing it and that may be due to hormones and fatigue. I know it wouldn't have felt as bad if I wasn't pushing our two kids in a double stroller after a long day of looking after them, or if he had realized his mistake and apologized instead of making up some bullshit excuse.
There's no point in discussing it with him because he's not a discusser. So instead I will analyze it to death in my head. Make a mountain out of it until it eats me up and I have a meltdown. Write about it to death in a blog post. And then maybe wait until my hormones shift and I can laugh it off like he did...
While walking we decided to stop at Booster Juice for a smoothie.
Walking up to the door we were discussing what kind of smoothie we should get.
We got to the door of Booster Juice and Steve opened it, walked through it and then let it close behind him... leaving me standing just outside with the big double stroller. I stared/glared through the glass door at him thinking he would quickly realize his mistake and turn around, apologizing.
He didn't.
I watched him walk through the store, up to the counter to order.
There happened to be a group of 6 men standing just inside the door who all saw what happened and when they realized Steve wasn't going to come open the door, one of them jumped off his stool and opened the door for me.
I thanked him - which made Steve turn around and realize what had just happened.
He laughed sheepishly and said, "Oh I thought you were going to just wait outside."
Outside? In the sweltering heat? With two babies? When it's cool and air conditioned inside?
Really?
I could have made a big deal about it but I didn't. It wouldn't have done me any good. I did let him know that it wasn't very nice of him but he totally brushed me off.
How I really feel about it? It made me feel really bad. It hurt my heart. I'm the mother of his two babies and I work hard to keep every one happy and cared for and it's hard, hard work. And I'm tired everyday but I keep doing what needs to be done to raise two happy healthy kids and a maintain a decent marriage. And I do try to care for my marriage. I'm always trying to think of ways to show him that I love him despite being exhausted and not always wanting to put in that extra effort.
Him letting the door close in my face made me feel really unappreciated, uncared for and unloved. Like I don't matter. I don't want to feel taken for granted.
I would also like my kids to grow up seeing that their parents love and respect each other - something I did not get to experience.
I know he has it in him. When I met him and for the first few years of our marriage, he was a doting husband. He would fall all over himself for me. Now, not so much. Am I to blame? Maybe a bit, I know I can be a naggy bitch sometimes.
I know it was probably just an absent minded man thing and I should let it go - and I will. I know that I'm over analyzing it and that may be due to hormones and fatigue. I know it wouldn't have felt as bad if I wasn't pushing our two kids in a double stroller after a long day of looking after them, or if he had realized his mistake and apologized instead of making up some bullshit excuse.
There's no point in discussing it with him because he's not a discusser. So instead I will analyze it to death in my head. Make a mountain out of it until it eats me up and I have a meltdown. Write about it to death in a blog post. And then maybe wait until my hormones shift and I can laugh it off like he did...
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