Finally...

June 23rd started out like this...
I was officially one full week overdue and feeling every bit uncomfortable as I looked.

I had an appointment with my midwife that afternoon. After an exam and discussion she asked if I would be interested in taking a labour inducing "cocktail" that is made up of natural ingredients and very commonly used in Europe. I had heard of the cocktail before as a friend of mine used it and had success. I figured it couldn't hurt and so she gave me one ingredient that was not readily available at health food stores.

If I was to take the cocktail I was under strict instructions to call the midwives prior to taking the first dose so that they could plan out their evening. I was also to have someone the house to look after Ruby. And if/when I went into labour, I was to head to the hospital after I had two hard contractions within 5 minutes.

So I went and bought the rest of the ingredients for the cocktail. I had my mom at the house with her overnight bag. And I advised the midwives I was going to go ahead and take the cocktail.

I took the first dose at 5:15pm June 23. By 7:45pm my contractions had started although they were fairly mild. I took the second dose at 10:15pm and went to bed. I woke up at 12:45am June 24th with some stronger contractions. Steve flew out of bed grabbed the bag and headed for the door. I wasn't sure we were ready to go but since the hospital was a bit of a drive to get to, I agreed to go.

We called the midwife to meet us at the hospital.

Contractions got stronger on the way.

By the time I was admitted and wheeled into my room at about 2am, the contractions had eased up and slowed down a bit. I was only 3cm dilated.

The midwife on call had me sit in the jet bath for a half hour or so while she tried to catch some sleep down the hall.

After the bath I layed down on the bed and dozed off. I woke up at about 3am to a stronger contraction and then a "pop" feeling. I stood up and realized my water had broke (what little of it was left).

Steve buzzed for the midwife.

Contractions just got stronger from there.

And stronger.

There was no time for any sort of pain medication except the gas and after a couple of puffs I didn't think it was doing anything to help the pain and only making it harder to breath so I gave up on it and suffered through some pretty severe pain.

And by severe, I mean that I begged to die.

Pleaded.

At 5am, I was fully dilated and was told to push. I cried and begged for them to get the baby out some other way - any other way - because I did not feel I had it in me to push. I again begged to die.

How I ever found the strength to push I will never know, but at 5:14am Lincoln Ross Roberts was finally born.

He weighed in at a whopping 8lbs 13oz...
His dad was bursting with pride...
Lincoln had a little nap in bed with me, then was given a bath and then we got him dressed and 8 hours after giving birth we headed home. I just didn't see the point in sitting around the hospital for whole other day and night.

I felt like I had been in a bad car accident and was (still am) completely exhausted but we're making it work. I'm just so happy to have that part over with and to have my new baby boy home.

Is that a light?

Yesterday's NST was "textbook perfect". The boy is happy and healthy. And he REALLY loves his mom ALOT because he apparently never wants to leave my belly.

I am hoping this is not an indication that he will still be living in my basement suite when he is 30.

They booked me another NST for Friday. And an AFI/US. AND... and an OB consult. We were told to come prepared to be induced. Although the hospital's policy is not to induce until 41w3d and I will "only" be 41w2d on Friday, my midwife tells me that the OB who is working on that day will likely not wait until Saturday.

I really, really didn't want it this way. I wanted it to happen naturally. I really wanted that experience. I do feel a bit sad about the whole situation - but also somewhat relieved that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. My god, I thought it would be long over by now.

I "broke the news" to my mom last night and she said she would take Friday off work to care for Ruby. She did mention that her co-worker was being extra psychotic lately (she takes it personally no matter how much I tell her it's so obviously not about her) so she was a bit apprehensive letting her know she wouldn't be there on Friday but did say that it would just have to be. I'm hugely relieved that we don't have to bring Ruby with us.

And Steve has booked 2 weeks holidays starting this Friday.

Now I just have to get myself through 3 more days.

5 days OD

At 5 days overdue I'm struggling to stay positive.

Yes, I know this won't and can't last forever, but every day it goes on it gets harder and harder.

One of my biggest struggles is with Ruby. I find it difficult to care for her while I'm this pregnant. My body is hurting all the time and my energy level isn't very high. I feel terrible that I'm not the mommy I want to be to her right now. I know she senses it too. She deserves better, my little angel. My best is not good enough right now.

Also - I'm struggling with the fact that I don't have local childcare for her. My daycare closed at the end of May and I don't know how to find someone else to take care of her for just once in a while. Most daycares don't take kids for just a day, or a few hours here and there. And I don't know enough people locally or have the resources to find a babysitter. I couldn't just leave her with some stranger.

The only person I have for looking after her is my mom and she lives 45 minutes away and works full time. She LOVES looking after Ruby but doesn't like taking time off work because the woman who covers for her is a psychopath. That and she actually doesn't like taking time off for anything. (No question where I inherited my work ethics from)

Today I have another NST and an AFI (amniotic fluid indicator) and I have to bring Ruby with me because my mom took a day off last week while I had these same tests done. Luckily Steve is off today so he's coming with us and is going to look after her while I have my tests but the situation isn't ideal. Who wants to be toting a toddler around a hospital?

I have a midwife appt on Wednesday and I will have to bring Ruby with me to that too.

And then sometime this week I will possibly (likely) have an obstetric consult to schedule an induction. Who will look after Ruby then? Steve will probably have to work. My mom will be working. I'm stressed about it. What will happen? I know I can't bring her with me to the hospital by myself.

Yesterday I had my ILs and my parents over for BBQ for Fathers Day (thankfully it was short and sweet and everyone was well behaved). My MIL was asking my mom if she was taking holidays soon. My mom explained that Steve would be taking 2 weeks vacation when the baby was born and then she would be taking one week after that but that she was "on call" to come look after Ruby when I go into the hospital to have the baby. Then she said, "But I'm really hoping it's just a quick in and out, one day thing." So that she doesn't have to take more than one day off work.

Well fuck, Mom. I can't control the circumstances of the baby being born - as much as I would like to. And it just adds more stress to know that's how she feels about it.

Adding to the stress - she lives 45mins to an hour away. The hospital is another 45 minutes in the opposite direction. The hospital is in the middle of the city. So none of it is easy or convenient.

Depending on how today goes with the NST and AFI I was thinking that it might be better (for me) if my mom took her holidays this week so that she could help me with Ruby and babysit her when I need to be at my appointments. But I know she wants to spend her time off with the new baby.

And on top of all that did I mention that I'm now FIVE DAYS overdue? Aside from all the childcare issues - I feel extremely uncomfortable, in pain all the time and having a really hard time keeping my chin up. I'm finding it harder and harder to keep myself occupied and to not think about the when and the how and the where and all the rest of it. And I'm just aching for it to be over and to get on with the next part - which I also fear and know will not be easy, but at least I want to get on with it.

Ok, that concludes my whining for the day. Off to do my hair and put on makeup and get dressed and push on with my day.

NST, U/S, Pelvic exam

I'm now officially overdue.

Yesterday's ultrasound showed that the amniotic fluid is indeed a little bit low but not low enough to induce.

The NST showed that the little dude in my tummy is quite comfortable and happy and under no stress whatsoever. He apparently has no intentions of leaving any time soon.

A repeat NST was booked for Monday just to check that the fluids aren't dropping and that everything remains good.

Midwife appointment showed that my cervix is soft but not dilated and posterior. It's shortened a teensy tiny bit but nothing substantial. The midwife commented on how high up my cervix is and maybe that's why the baby hasn't actually settled into my pelvis yet (although some days it sure feels like he's trying). His head is against my cervix but my cervix is up high. So, not too sure what that all means. I was assured that even though I'm not dilated or effaced and the baby isn't settled into my pelvis that I still COULD go into labour at any time. That gave me a tiny bit of hope.

Last night and this morning I had the feeling that I would get just before I get my period. Yes, this would have excited me except that this has happened so much over the past couple of weeks that I no longer think too much about it. Last night and this morning were stronger than the other times but the feeling has abated now, as it always does. I suspect the feeling may have come from being poked and prodded so much yesterday.

And that is all I`ve got.

The latest

My due date is tomorrow.


I have never been this pregnant before. Ruby was born 3 days before my due date.

I gave up on drinking all the raspberry leaf tea because... well... it's not pleasurable and after a few days of drinking 3 cups of it a day and nothing happening I gave up on it. I realize it's probably more of a longer term thing but whatever.

I had a stretch and sweep done (good times!) last Wednesday.

I've now been for 2 acupuncture appointments in which I was "induced" and nothing has happened. Cue the sound of a toilet flushing and 110 of my hard earned dollars going down it.

Ruby poured water on me while I was laying in bed this morning, soaking my sheets. I stared at it willing to somehow have been MY water that broke. No luck.

Steve has been sick all weekend. Man sick. You know what that means? The world might just be ending. He had the nerve to suggest that it might have been brought on by the stress of worrying about when the baby was going to be born. Lucky for him I was buckled into a moving car and there were no sharp objects within my reach and although I could have reached over and strangled him or punched his eyeballs until he could no longer see - he was driving so I may have put my own life in jeopardy. Poor Ruby would have been an orphan.

In the meantime this means that during his two days off (Sunday, Monday) there was minimal to no help with Ruby. And he's been up all night, two nights in a row, giving me a play-by-play of his bodily functions. "TARA, something is really wrong with me!!!!" Really? Because something has been really wrong with me for the past 9 fucking months and I haven't experienced all that much sympathy so get the fuck out of this bed and go lock yourself in the bathroom until you deal with whatever the hell it is that ails you.

Oh, and maybe the next time you order fish and chips, you won't consume an entire tub of tartar sauce and/or maybe you should send the fucking fish back if it is grey and soggy instead of washing it down with another beer. Just a thought.

Anyways, I go into the hospital tomorrow for an NST (Non Stress Test) and an ultrasound. I had this done with Ruby when I was 39 weeks pregnant and it resulted in the discovery that I was low on fluid, she was in distress and I needed to be induced (she was born a few days later). Apparently there is a chance of that happening again, so... maybe something will happen on Wednesday.

And if not, I will be allowed to go 10 days overdue before any further action is taken.

In the meantime, I am miserable.

Thank you, that is all.

Is this normal??

I don't know what to do with Ruby. She's making me nuts. My god I love her more than I could ever express but I am not having a good time lately.

She has all sorts of toys to play with but she doesn't want to play with them - even if I play with her. She wants things that are mine.

I can no longer do anything on the computer as long as she is awake (she's napping now). It makes her crazy and he NEEDS to push all the buttons. I have sent so many nonsensical, half written emails because she is reaching over me slamming on the keyboard.

I can't do housework because she doesn't want me to. When I try to prepare a meal she will wedge herself in between me and the counter and push me away from it. All while whining.

She wants me to pick her up - but only if I'm standing or walking or trying to do something. If I try to sit down with her she gets pissed and whines. It doesn't work well with my current physical condition.

If I am on the phone she wants the phone. She will fight me to push the buttons while I'm trying to talk. This goes double for my Blackberry. She's obsessed with it.

She doesn't want me to wear sunglasses - she wants to take them off, put them on, give them to her dad, break the arms off them, put them on me, stick the arms of them into my eyeballs.

I can not sit at the table and read the paper, she wants up and will cry and whine until I let her up onto my lap - she will then proceed to grab the paper and throw it all over the floor.

She signs food or drink and then will only eat a few bites before she throws it all on the floor. But when I try to clean it up she hangs off me and cries.

Sometimes she wants ME to eat her food. And she loses it when I won't. But she doesn't give up. She will push it in my face and smear it on me or my clothes until I take it away. Then she cries.

There is no television watching. I have tried every cartoon ever made, I've tried the Doodlebops, the Yo Gabba Gabba, Sesame Street - whatever. She couldn't give a shit about the TV. Yes, I know this is supposed to be good but my god sometimes I would give anything for a few minutes of peace.

When I eat she whines. She acts like she wants what I have but when I give her a bite she spits it on the floor (oh my god I can't tell you how crazy that makes me). She wants to play with my fork (smashing it on the plate). She doesn't want her water, she wants mine.

When I have to go pee I try to occupy her and then I race to the bathroom but she's never far behind. In the time it takes me to pee she can unravel an entire roll of toilet paper, pull out every tampon and pad I own and thow them all over the bathroom, eat a half a bar of soap, empty the garbage and wave around the toilet brush.

She also started biting me again. Yesterday she bit my nipple. No, she's not being breastfed - she just somehow knew to pick the most painful and vulnerable place on my body. Oh, and it was while I was on the phone.

And it's not the same when Steve is home. She's much better behaved for him. She doesn't bite him or act like a little psychotic maniac with him (usually). Is it me? What the hell can I do different? What am I doing wrong. What. The. Fuck??? I'm fairly limited right now as to what I can do with her. Not to mention it's been raining pretty much every day since I have been off work so there's not a lot of going outside lately either.

Maybe she's bored or maybe she's not burning enough energy - or maybe she just plain enjoys tormenting me?

Honestly, I am being reduced to tears. I don't know what to do. I'm 9 months pregnant and I'm in constant pain and discomfort and I just can't keep up. My mental health is being tested.

What's going to happen when I have to look after a newborn too? What will happen then? What will happen until then? I'm going crazy and I'm getting really scared of what my future looks like.

39 weeks

I am on the left, the fridge is on the right. Just in case you were confused...

At 39 weeks I have gained 30lbs less than I did with Ruby - although the latest pregnancy picture I have with her was at 36 weeks so I have nothing to compare to.

I'm done. I'm soooooo done with being pregnant. Forever. I am looking forward to not being an invalid, in constant pain and discomfort all. the. time. I will never do this again and I am very much ok with that.

I officially finished work. I was done with going in to the office last Tuesday and my obligation to assist via telephone and email was over on Friday. I haven't heard a word from them. No, "thank you for your extra efforts" no, "good luck, let us know when the baby arrives". Nothing. They can kiss my ass.

I have been drinking the organic red raspberry leaf tea like crazy for the past week. Praying it's going to do something for me. I also have an acupuncture appointment for this Thursday evening, hoping to get something happening with that. And although it's really hard to walk, and I pay a dear and painful price for it - I've been trying to at least get out and walk around the block with Ruby in the stroller every evening.

I have no idea what this is going to look like from the other side, but I'm very ready to be done with this phase.

Reality

I now have TWO carseats in the back seat of my STATION WAGON.

I have been waiting for the fact that I am going to have TWO children (18 months apart) to sink in. Somehow being one week away from my due date and feeling like I am walking around with a full keg of beer somehow sitting just under the skin of my stomach hasn't quite made it real enough for me.

But the few minutes that I just spent standing, staring at the back seat of my car looking at two carseats and imagining what it's going to be like when they're occupied... I think that may have done it as far as reality goes.

Headed in the right direction

Looks like the boy is headed in the right direction after all. He's just nowhere near being engaged but that's ok. Ruby's head never did engage until she was on her way out.

Two more days of going to work. The final day on Tuesday is going to be maximum stress but I will get through it knowing it's my last one.

Tomorrow is Ruby's last day of daycare. I'm actually excited about that. I find the whole daycare routine very tiring and a little stressful.

37 weeks

Get this... I've been so stressed about work partly because I felt sorry for my boss and the mess she was going to have to deal with after I'm gone. Neither of us feel that my replacement is capable of doing anything more than just the basics so my boss has been on me to teach her how to complete a month end. I've been stressing about showing it to her and about time running out.

She had yesterday off so I asked her this morning when she might have time to go through the month end. She told me not today because she really wanted to get caught up in her work that she missed from being off yesterday. Fair enough. But then she told me she'd be off tomorrow as well because she had a big party to go to tonight... not sure she'd feel like coming in in the morning.

Really?

Know what that means? That means that I no longer give a shit about any of it. She clearly has her priorities. I have mine. I will ensure that my needs get met.

I advised her that the only day I would agree to actually come in to work next week was Tuesday as that was the crucial month end date and I had already agreed to it. She fussed a bit that I wouldn't be there Monday... but too bad, Party Girl. I then agreed to be available only via email thru to next Friday. I won't be coming in at all next week other than Tuesday. And they will be paying my full salary to that point as well. After that - they're out of luck.

Then I'll be using my 3 weeks vacation they owe me (at full salary), and THEN I'll be on mat leave. Sorry, no room for discussion on any of this.

~~~~

In the meantime, I had my 37 week midwife appt today. And well I'll be damned but they think this baby is breach!!! WTF!??? Last week the midwife wasn't entirely sure if he was head down or not. This week, the midwife said she'd be willing to be $50 he was breach.

I have an ultrasound tomorrow to confirm.

Today's midwife said that versions are usually done before 36 weeks but they could take a shot at it trying to turn him if I wanted. Yes, I would want that. C-section and breach delivery were briefly discussed.

Trying not to think too far into it until I know for sure.

Stress vs. Cash

On Friday I had another "spell" at work. This one wasn't nearly as bad as the one I had on Monday but I wasn't about to sit around and wait for it to progress. As soon as I started noticing some problems with my vision I left work and headed to the doctor, this time my family doctor as opposed to a walk-in.

He pretty much ruled out a TMA (mini-stroke) which made me feel a WHOLE lot better about things. He suspected that I'm probably getting migraines with aura - which is what I suspected also. To be safe though, he is referring me to an optamologist and then to someone to check my arteries.

Honestly though, these "spells" have coincided with some fairly heavy duty stress at work and I can't help but feel that I'm having stress-induced migraines. That place is killing me right now. The girl that was hired (far too late) is just NOT working out. And the pressure is on me to make sure that every aspect of my job is going to be taken care of once I'm gone. I don't feel like that's even possible. I've expressed my feelings to my boss(es) and advised them that they are likely going to have to bring in the girl from half a country away who used to to my job. Unfortunately egos are in the way and nobody wants to admit that they fucked up. Nobody wants to ask for extra help.

So the pressure remains on me.

As hard as I'm trying to just not care and to just say fuckit! and walk away - it is stressing me out. I care about my job and about the work that I do. I've worked SO HARD to get it running smoothly and for me to be at the level of knowledge that I'm at. Being a professional is important to me. I know I'm going to have to let it all go. But I'm expected to pull off 6 more working days before I'm free to call it quits - with the grand finale being month-end which is the peak of stressfulness.

I have given my bosses the letter from my midwives stating that I'm to stop working immediately. However... they have dangled this carrot: if I continue to work at least a couple of hours a day and make myself available for training and assistance via telephone and email - they will continue to pay my full wage.

Considering the financial "situation" that I'm in due to $20,000 of IVF, a year of mat leave wages (60% of my regular wage), another year of mat leave wages on the very near horizon AND the costs of TWO kids in diapers coming up... I need the cake.

So although I feel that it might be in my body and mind's best interest to walk away from work and start my mat leave immediately - my bank account says otherwise. If I can just get through 6 more modified working days, I can walk away feeling like I've done everything I can do for both work and my wallet.

I'm gonna try.

36 weeks

Had my 36 week midwife appt yesterday. She was quite concerned about my "spell" and of course if it happens again I am to head directly to emergency. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200. The fact that I couldn't form a coherent sentence is what has everyone quite concerned.

In the meantime, she checked my cervix and it is shortened, soft (she could have put her finger through it if she wanted to... not sure why she'd want to), and facing forward. I remember being 39 weeks with my last pregnancy and it being long and hard and closed (I believe I used the term "rusty steel trap"). She said that if went into labour tonight, she would not be surprised. She also said that if I was already in labour, she would be telling me, "Not long now!".

This could mean something and it could mean nothing. I know.

In the meantime she wants me to be finished work. She is writing a letter to my boss to advise that I should be done. I have made a deal that I would come in and work a couple of hours each day and then take my laptop home and be available to help from there. That's where we stand now - my boss said that in a couple of weeks we'd reassess... uh... yeah in a couple of weeks I'm long gone. I'm not going to be available after June 1st.

Right now I'm frazzled with the stress of training my replacement, working full time, keeping up a house, meals, laundry, etc - Ruby was sick last week, Steve and I fought this weekend, and yesterday the daycare lady drove over my stroller with her van (she doesn't want to replace it, thinks her husband can "fix" it). I'm maxed in the stress department. Not to mention I'm extremely uncomfortable, I feel like I'm peeing every time I walk, and standing up makes me feel like I need to take a poop. What I really want is some time to rest and catch up and feel good before I go into labour. I'm not due til June 16th but if the boy comes early I'm fucked at this point. I'd rather be bored and have too much rest than to be running out the door to the hospital carrying my laundry basket so I can fold clothes on the way there...

Anyways, I expect that the shortened hours will help. I hope they will.

My home "photographer" sucks. I am not overly crazy about the following photo but I've been so slack at taking milestone pictures of my belly this time that I thought I better just suck it up and post this or I'd end up with nothing. Here's the 36 week belly shot.

(Fuck, do I look rough):

Health concerns

When you don’t keep up your blogging and don’t update on the things that are going on on a regular basis, when you do want to write an update there seems to be a lot of back story to explain to get to where you are.

I’m too tired to fill in much of the back story so here’s the Readers Digest condensed version:
I’m due in 4 weeks. HR didn't bother hiring someone for me to train until just two weeks ago. Even if she was as smart as a whip and was honest on her resume about her skill level and was actually capable of doing the job, I still wouldn’t be able to cover everything. However, she is VERY difficult to train, doesn’t seem to be catching on, doesn’t take notes, doesn’t ask questions, does things wrong then gets pissy when she’s told she needs to correct something. She is frustrating me beyond belief. I am worried about my job and what is going to become of it when I leave…

…which may be sooner than later.

Yesterday was a crucial day in the payroll cycle (I do payroll, did I mention that?). She was fucking around, being difficult and stupid. I was stressed. And tired. And I had a headache.

And I had this weird little spot on my eye, a tiny dark spot in my vision. I ignored it. Carried on. Then there came to be a larger spot in my vision. It was a dark spot surrounded by sparkles. Then it started growing. And it got to the point where I lost vision in my right eye. I was hot and sweating. Actually I was soaked. I tried to talk to my boss to explain it to her and I suddenly couldn’t speak. I was confused and was trying to sound normal but weird words were coming out that made no sense. I sounded drunk.

So I called my midwife and she demanded that I be seen by a doctor ASAP to have my blood pressure and everything else checked.

That meant I had to leave work hanging with only the non-capable rookie to close out the payroll. Stress.

The doctor checked me over and said my blood pressure was fine, my eyes were fine, my heart was fine, my throat sounded fine (?). So I suggested that it was probably just a migraine? He said it was possible but that it could also have been a TIA. A mini-stroke.

He said I COULD go to emerg and have a CT scan to make sure. I said I didn’t want to go sit in a disgusting ER room for hours unless he thought it was absolutely necessary. He said that if it happens again that I MUST go. I agreed.

My midwife asked why the hell I am still working. She said that I should/could be off right now, resting. It’s a whole other ball game with a toddler to care for while you’re pregnant, let me tell you. I’m super stressed at work and home (Ruby was sick last week). I’m super tired. I am not feeling good. But if I leave work now, this place is fucked. And why do I care? Not sure exactly. Because I do like my boss and I feel bad for her. And also, I’ve worked 7 years to get this job to the place where it’s at now and I see it all going for a big old shit in 60 seconds flat after I walk out the door.

Still? What’s more important? Obviously the health of my baby and myself. It’s just hard to walk away. Oh maybe I have some control issues too. That might be a small percentage of my problem. Oh and also maybe some martyrdom that I inherited from my Mom. Yeah there’s definitely a bit of that.

Anyways, I have a midwife appt this afternoon and I vow to do what she says. If she says no more work, then I will agree to no more work. Should I disobey her orders I may find myself in the middle of a divorce anyways. Steve’s not cool with what’s been going on. There may be a chance that I come in a couple hours a week to help/assist/cry over my mess of a job. Or else I will be assisting over the phone or via email. In any case, I know my hours are about to be cut way back.

I still have 3 weeks vacation time owing to me for this year so if I have to stop working I will technically be on vacation for 3 weeks before starting mat leave. Since I’m due in 4 weeks, that would work out ok. I thought I could get away with working longer but maybe not.

I will post again with a post-midwife 36 week appt.

Procrastination

In the past few months I’ve been super organized and on top of everything I possibly can. I’m all about getting things done and not procrastinating. Yes, I could leave those dishes in the sink and the smashed goldfish crackers on the floor because I’m really tired and need to rest but the rest doesn’t feel as good when I can see that pile of orange crumbs out of the corner of my eye.

I’ve been keeping Ruby’s room clean and tidy and I’ve set up her toddler bed so that when she’s ready, it’s there and it’s not a big shock to her. I make Ruby’s lunch every evening and make sure her daycare bag is replenished daily with diapers, wipes and a change of clothes. The toys get put away neatly every night after she’s gone to bed.

I’m on top of laundry. The car is cleaned and vacuumed. The kitchen table, counters and coffee table (and anything else with a smudge on it) are wiped clean every night. I vacuum/sweep the floor on a regular basis. Even the yard is clean and tidy and the grass is mowed (no, I do not do the mowing).

So WHY then can I not get my shit together and get ready for this baby??? I’ve done some things in preparation but have I done enough? For the life of me I can’t remember everything I need to do to be ready. I still have 5 weeks before my due date, yes – but I am just so laid back and in no hurry to get organized like I was with Ruby. I know that’s probably normal with your second baby – but I feel like such a procrastinator!

I HATE procrastination.

I would feel so much better if I could get his room all ready, his clothes (what few of them I have) all washed and put away, the art hung on the walls, the furniture organized.

I just can’t seem to get it together yet.

I’m hoping that when get back on maternity leave I will get things done then. It’s looking like I will be off two weeks before my due date. That should give me plenty of time to get everything done, right?? And I will get this big urge to nest right about then and I will have all this extra energy, right?? And he won’t come before I’m ready for him, right??? And if he does, I can make due, right??

I need to write down the basics of what needs to be done/purchased and tackle it. I just wish I could remember what the basics are right now.

Questions

Can my marriage survive 2 kids? A newborn and a toddler?

Can it survive the rest of this pregnancy?

Will I ever feel well rested again?

Does Ruby know something now? Is that why she is constantly biting, scratching, pinching and hitting me.

Will I ever have a clean house again? Will I stop caring?

Should I get my hair cut now or wait til after the baby is born? What about a cut and color?

Am I too old to be doing this 2 young kids thing and be good at it?

Will Ruby resent me when I have to spend so much time and energy on a new baby?

Will I be able to train someone to do my job properly before I go on maternity leave?

Will the ultrasound on Wednesday show the placenta has moved? And that it is still functioning properly?

Will we be able to pay our bills?

Will we ever get a second vehicle?

Will we ever get the brakes fixed on our first vehicle?

Will I get treated special on my 35th birthday next week?

What about Mothers Day?

If I'm so much smaller with this pregnancy, why am I getting new stretch marks?

Will the Canucks have a good playoff run?

Why did my daycare lady have to decide to close permanently at the end of May?

Will I be able to breastfeed this time?

Will Ruby EVER cuddle with me? Will my son be a cuddler?

Will he be a "good" baby?

Is this going to be as hard as I'm sure it's going to be?

Am I mistaking fatigue for depression? Or depression for fatigue? Or am I feeling both?

Can I do this?

Will I ever feel "ready"?

Does anyone have a crystal ball?

Lost

I'm in a weird place with this blog. Not sure what to write about. Feel kind of lost in limbo as I don't really feel like I fit into any one slot or with any particular community.

Granted I spent my share of time in the trenches of IF. Going through 2 IVFs have marked me for life and I will always be attached to the IF community.

Then with the successful IVF, I was still attached to the IF community but also to the Parenting After IF community. And maybe some Mommy Blogs too. Although you always lose some readers when you make that transition from one side to the other.

And then came the surprise pregnancy. Well that just seemed to send me to the dark side where fewer and fewer people can relate to me and therefore I'm in a much, much smaller group of commrades. Throw in the struggle I've had with accepting the pregnancy and I might even venture to say that I've been shunned somewhat by whatever small group of followers I still had.

Oh I know there's a few of you troopers that still come here from time to time to see what I'm up to - and I love and appreciate every single one of you.

But now what do I write about? Sure there's the odd post about IF when it comes up. And there's the odd post about parenting Ruby. There's the odd post about my current pregnancy but I don't have a lot to say since this isn't my first rodeo and I'm kind of just rolling along. It's not as if I don't know what to expect like my last pregnancy and I wrote about every little thing that happened to my body - hoping somebody could explain it. And if I wrote about all the things I struggle with NOW? Well...

*tap* *tap* *tap* "Is this thing on???"

So I don't know where to go from here. Thought about throwing in the towel and just moving on, but that doesn't feel right either. I seem to have lost my blogging groove and I have no idea how to get it back.

28 week comparison

Just for fun, I thought I would compare pictures of me at 28 weeks pregnant.

And by "fun" I mean to say that I enjoy torturing myself by obsessing about my weight and appearance and then putting pictures of myself on display and opening it up to world to comment and torture me further...

I didn't weigh myself throughout my pregnancy with Ruby and as I've mentioned probably no less than twenty-seven times, I gained 68lbs. Because I didn't weigh myself as I went along, I have nothing to compare with this time around. Thus far in my current pregnancy I've gained 27lbs. I would think (hope and pray, beg the Gods) that I am not going to gain another 41lbs in the next 12 weeks. So I *THINK* I'm doing alright - or at least better. I know one thing for a fact, and that is that there have been considerably less cheesecake slices consumed to this point.

Still, I needed to post the two pictures so I could look at them, compare them, pick them apart, dissect them, obsess over them.

The angles are slightly different so that doesn't help but I think, I *THINK* my face looks slimmer with #2. Also it may be a different bra, but my boobs look smaller too - a fact that Steve has also noticed and commented on. I like to think my ass looks smaller too but that could be the difference between jeans and black pants. I'm also apparently doing a better job of makeup application than I was 18 months ago...

Pregnancy #1

Pregnancy #2

28 Weeks

With 12 weeks left to go, I suppose I should start getting organized for Junior’s arrival. Currently his bedroom looks like a good place to film the next episode of “Hoarders”. I'm expecting A&E to call me any day now.

While we did move the spare bed and computer desk out, we have been using that room as a dumping ground for items that we don’t have a place for and/or that we don’t want Ruby getting her little hands on.

I did buy a piece of art to hang on his wall that is, according to both my parents, too harsh for a baby’s room. No, it’s not teddy bears and fire trucks - it's definitely not made for a baby's room, but it's got some edge and it's different. Not to say he won’t have teddy bears or fire trucks – I just want to decorate the room a little less traditional. It’s got great colors in it that I can decorate a room around.

I also bought him a 3-pack of t-shirt onesies the other day. My mom bought him a onesie and a pair of jeans. Other than that (and a few neutral hand-me-downs from Ruby), the boy has nothing.

I’m wondering if anyone who has any experience with having kids this close together could weigh in here and give some advice on what I can get away with NOT buying.

I was planning on keeping the boy in a bassinet in our room for the first 3 months like we did with Ruby. By that time Ruby will be 21 months old. I was hoping that at that time I could get her a big girl bed and give the boy her crib. I have to buy her a bed eventually anyways and it would be nice if I didn’t have to buy another crib AND a bed. Is 21 months too young for a toddler to be in their own bed???

Also, I have the Quinny travel system. Complete with the car seat and stroller. I’ve also got a little convenience stroller that I use for the mall and such. I was going to sell my Quinny stroller to get some money to buy a stroller built for two but realized that I can’t sell it as I need the baby car seat that goes with it. (And also I love it a LOT). So do I NEED a double stroller? I suppose I do. Do they work well? Are they as cumbersome as they look? Anybody know of any good ones? Any suggestions are welcome.

I went and had my 1 hour gestational diabetes test yesterday. The nurse asked me (twice) when I was due. When I told her, she made a comment indicating how LARGE she thought my belly was for someone 28 weeks pregnant. Thanks. Isn't that just what every pregnant woman wants to hear? Why do people feel that their opinions on my appearance are just SOOOO valid and SOOO important that they just absolutely MUST tell me how big I look? I don't get that. And this was an older woman who according to her, has 7 grandchildren. I'll bet her daughter-in-law just *adores* her.

With Ruby I took a belly picture every 4 weeks. This time I forgot to take one at 24 weeks. Things are just so much more hectic this time around. So here's my 28 week picture:

(Steve thinks my boobs are smaller this time around. Now THOSE kinds of comments about my appearance I do not mind at all.)

Assessment

After a couple of days of lower back, tummy and leg aches – which would normally indicate an oncoming period, I had a little bit of bleeding on Sunday morning. I figured I knew the explanation for the bleeding (sex) but since it’s never happened before I thought I should call it in.

Lucky for me, my favorite midwife was on call and she asked me to explain everything that had happened over the past week – then she asked me to meet her at the hospital for an assessment. This time I got to completely bypass the dreaded ER and head straight to L&D.

My mom made the 45 minute drive to come and look after Ruby while we were out (she then went on to tidy my kitchen and cook me dinner) which I felt totally guilty about, which is probably stupid.

The assessment revealed that the bleeding was from a very sensitive cervix getting “poked” (midwife’s choice of words, not mine). She also said that because my pregnancies were so close together and also that I had ligament problems with my first one – my pelvic floor is hanging like a hammock (nice visual). And that my body didn’t get enough time to recover properly between pregnancies. Because of this there is a lot more aches and pains than usual – and everything is magnified. (Also explains why I pee my pants a little bit every day).

I also brought up the gym since it seems that nobody in my family (Steve and my parents) agrees with the frequency that I go there or how fatigued I am afterwards. I thought I would settle it once and for all and prove to everyone that I was right and they were wrong (my favorite), except it didn't exactly work out in my favor... The midwife asked what I do and for how long and was horrified when I told her. Apparently I should NOT being going 3-4 times a week and doing 45 minutes of cardio each time, sweating my ass off and getting my heart rate up between 150-160bpm. She said that if I want to keep going that I should be going 2-3 times a week, NOT getting to the point of being breathless/sweaty and not allowing my heart rate to go over 120bpm. Well what’s the fucking point then?

I could almost cry over that one. While the gym didn’t make my body feel overly great (nay, it made my body huuuuurt), I did get a high from it and it helped release my stress like nothing else. I also had the notion that I was doing my future self a big favour and getting a jump on my post baby recovery. Instead I was *contributing to the physical problems that my body is having with this pregnancy.

I brought up my worries about weight gain and how I was trying to prevent gaining 68lbs like I did with Ruby. She asked how much I’d gained so far and when I told her 22lbs, she was impressed and said that at this point that’s good. She said I could gain another 20 and it would still be perfectly ok. That made me feel a little better anyways.

She suggested that I’m doing too much and trying to keep on top (in control) of everything. She advised that I slow down a bit and try to enjoy my life, my family and the rest of this pregnancy. I’m not to worry so much about everything. Let some things go. That’s hard but I will do it if it will make my body feel better. (Not sure what’s going to happen to my mind or my self esteem.)

She strongly advised that I get some acupuncture which I know I said I was going to do before and never got around to it but this time I really will.

She suggested that I go for physiotherapy for my weak pelvic floor. Apparently there are therapists who specialize in pelvic floor recovery. I will start with the acupuncture first.

She asked me to take a couple of weeks off work to rest and get feeling better but I vetoed that.

After all was said and done, I felt better that I had been properly checked over and the baby is ok and so am I. I have an explanation/diagnosis for my more-than-normal discomfort. I have a bit of direction as to what I can and cannot do (even if it sucks).

I have to remind myself that this isn’t forever – in the grand scheme it’s just a small pocket of my life and I need to try to suck it up, make the best of it and try to make it as tolerable as possible.




*I know lots of people exercise lots when they’re pregnant and I’m not saying anything about that. This is about me and my individual case.

Dinner Torture

I don't know what's wrong with my inlaws but they seem to get off on torturing me.

Steve, Ruby and I went out for dinner to the Keg on Thursday night to celebrate Steve's birthday. We were joined by Steve's brother and girlfriend. They arrived in a cloud of tension, apparently they were cocktailing the night before and were hungover. They were also apparently fighting with each other and not in the most festive of moods.

If Steve and I had our way we would have been at the restaurant at 5pm as to avoid being at the restaurant at the witching hour - Ruby's bedtime (6:30pm - 7pm). Unfortunately BIL and SIL couldn't get there until going on 6pm. And then of course then there was the extensive examination of the menu, and sending the waitress away a few times because we "aren't ready to order yet". My dinner arrived at about 6:30pm just when Ruby had eaten all her raisins and goldfish crackers, had played long enough with the provided crayons and was pretty much fed up with sitting in the highchair. She was fussing and the feeling that I'd had all night that my parenting and her behavior were under a huge microscope ("she just threw a cracker! Pick it up, we're not the only one's in the restaurant you know! She just put a crayon in her mouth! OMG stop her from doing that!!! She is still saying "that" all the time??") increased exponentially. I tried to scarf down what I could of my meal before having to take her and walk around the restaurant to keep her happy. I got some "looks" from BIL and SIL. They were clearly embarrassed of us - even though nobody else in the restaurant even noticed us.

Yes, they are older than us, have loads of money and no kids.

I noticed them looking over my shoulder when I was paying my bill to see if I left a big enough tip (I always leave a bigger tip when I have Ruby with me).

They were also all over us again about what we're naming the baby. They seem obsessed with it. Remember what happened last time? I wanted to keep Ruby's name a secret until she was born and they found out what it was and totally upset me? And they're on about it again! I would have thought they would leave it alone. We keep telling them we're not sure yet, but they don't let up. I wish they'd let up. Why would we tell them if we're not telling anyone else??

But the "best" part? Was when SIL started asking about me going to the gym and somehow it came up that I had to start wearing Steve's t-shirts to the gym because my t-shirts are getting too tight around the belly. (Why do I set myself up like that?).

BIL looks me over and says, "I'm surprised even his shirts fit you."

Steve is 6"3 and 220lbs. He wears mens XL shirts.

Like my self esteem was just soaring so high that I needed it knocked down a little.

It wasn't the enjoyable night out that Steve and I had hoped for and deserved. We were both stressed and frazzled by the time we got home.

My feelings of needing/wanting to hibernate and be completely anti-social until the baby is born (and possibly beyond) has been re-affirmed.