Today both my kids were hungry at the exact same time. And there was no putting either one of them off - as I can sometimes do. It had been over two hours since Lincoln ate and he was ready to fill this house with the screams of his milk demands, and Ruby was late for her nap and on the verge of a catastrophic meltdown.
If I fed one and not the other the sounds of the freakout from the one not eating would distract the other and then nobody would eat and then nobody would nap and then I would want to stab myself in the eyes.
I have had a brutal week with the two of them and was ready to do whatever it took to make them both happy.
So, I fed them both at the same time.
Let me clarify...
Lincoln needed to be breastfed. Ruby needed to be spoon fed.
I didn't know I could do it but I suppose desperate times call for desperate measures.
I sat on the couch and leaned forward putting my boob in Lincoln's mouth and while holding it there with one hand I put Ruby's lunch on the table in front of me and had her stand beside me while I spoon fed her with my other hand.
It was a very precarious situation and the slightest of false moves could have aborted the whole operation. But I managed.
I can't believe I managed.
How I am able to pull off this whole gig somedays simply amazes me.
Showing posts with label Feeding Ruby. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Feeding Ruby. Show all posts
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Sunday, February 7, 2010
I cried x 3
* A third midwife was added to my team of two midwives. I met her for the first time on Thursday. She has the look that I desire. Not too skinny, but healthy. Not all supermodelish but beautiful in a toned down way. Almost tough looking but I don't mean that in a Joan Jett kind of way. I mean it in a sexy kind of, relaxed understated way (make sense? no?). And wouldn't you know it we discussed my weight. She didn't say anything bad about it but we did talk about how I can prevent myself from gaining 68lbs this time around. She told me I don't have to gain that much. That I should just resist the cravings. I don't get that many cravings this time around. I found her hard to talk to. I think part of it was my jealousy of her. And yes, I know how fucking dumb that is. I left there feeling quite depressed and I cried in the car afterwards and also when I got home.
* Ruby is now fully weaned off the bottle. She takes two or three cups of milk a day and as of this weekend it all comes from a sippy cup. The big test was the one before bed. But we had no problems with it last night so I packaged up all the bottles and put them away. I was really proud of myself and of Ruby and was quite happy. And then a half hour later I was really sad and I cried because she's growing up.
* I have a friend who is currently doing her second IVF cycle in hopes of becoming pregnant for the first time. She's very private and doesn't talk about it to anyone - usually including me. I talked to her on the phone about it a little bit when she first started her cycle. I sent her an email yesterday just to let her know that I am thinking of her and wishing her all the best. I got an email back tonight saying that she just did her transfer yesterday and that they didn't get to blastocyst but they had 3 transferable embryos. I bawled my eyes out when I read it. Here I thought I was kind of past that IF emotion stuff but as it turns out I was just suppressing it because I had too many other things to think about. Who knew?
* Ruby is now fully weaned off the bottle. She takes two or three cups of milk a day and as of this weekend it all comes from a sippy cup. The big test was the one before bed. But we had no problems with it last night so I packaged up all the bottles and put them away. I was really proud of myself and of Ruby and was quite happy. And then a half hour later I was really sad and I cried because she's growing up.
* I have a friend who is currently doing her second IVF cycle in hopes of becoming pregnant for the first time. She's very private and doesn't talk about it to anyone - usually including me. I talked to her on the phone about it a little bit when she first started her cycle. I sent her an email yesterday just to let her know that I am thinking of her and wishing her all the best. I got an email back tonight saying that she just did her transfer yesterday and that they didn't get to blastocyst but they had 3 transferable embryos. I bawled my eyes out when I read it. Here I thought I was kind of past that IF emotion stuff but as it turns out I was just suppressing it because I had too many other things to think about. Who knew?
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Clarification
If I made myself sound like Mean Mom From Hell in my last post, I didn’t mean to. Let me clarify… Some of that post was written somewhat in jest. I was being a bit smart assy, trying to make fun of the situation. It’s not as terrible as I perhaps made it seem.
Ok, while I do agree that we need to let our babies take the lead somewhat and show us when they’re ready to do/eat/drink certain things, there does come a time when Mom has to take the reins and put some rules into place. If I let Ruby take the lead, she would drink from her bottle til she was 7 and would probably not eat anything more than yogurt and Mum Mum cookies until she was 18. If I don’t introduce new foods to her and reduce her bottles now, it is not going to get any easier for either of us. I was advised by her doctor who has two young children and has spent part of his career working in BC Children’s hospital, that if she doesn’t start reducing her milk and increasing her food, she will slowly stop developing.
To clarify, I’m not going cold turkey with her on the bottles. She still gets her bottle before bedtime, and one bottle during the day. That is plenty as far as I’m concerned. Just because it’s hard getting her to take milk from the sippy cup doesn’t mean that I should keep allowing her to take the bottle all the time. Keep in mind that other than a package of yogurt and some Cheerios in the morning, for the past 6 weeks or so milk has been her main source of calories in the day. It’s just time to change that.
There are going to be lots of things that are going to change in her life and she’s not going to like them all when they first happen (and likely nor will I). I don’t think I should give up on it until she thinks she’s ready because that may not be good for her health.
I know she’s been through a lot of changes lately and that is why I don’t mind that daycare gives her a bottle still and that she’s started sucking on her soother a bit during the day at daycare. I’m not all militant about everything. If she needs to revert backwards a bit, I don’t mind. I think that one sippy cup of milk a day is something that she needs to get used to and is reasonable for me to implement.
As for what she eats… she never did like baby food or purees. She’s always been into what I’m eating and I always give her a taste of what I’m eating. She always gets bits of our dinner, modified slightly for her. Some things she’ll nibble on, some things she throws. She throws a lot of food.
I was joking around about the wrap because wouldn’t you know it that she picked a time when I was STARVING to decide to eat what I was eating.
The girl is determined and stubborn. She has been running the show around our house for quite some time. There are going to be some battles while making some transitions that just need to be made.
Hope that all makes sense and clarifies some of the stuff I wrote in my last post without sounding snarky. Not meaning to sounds snarky at all, just wanted to clarify.
In other news… GOOD NEWS… Ruby had a really good eating day yesterday. Funny thing though, she will only eat East Indian food! My Indian girlfriend sent me some kichari (Indian dish with lentils, rice, peas, carrots) that her mother made and Ruby LOVES it. When we had our last eating strike a couple of months ago, it was the kichari that got her eating again so my girlfriend brought me another batch. Ruby eats and eats and eats it. She ate it at daycare yesterday and then was mad when it was gone! So “P” (daycare lady) gave her some of her daal and home made yogurt (P is also East Indian). It was a little bit spicy and in the end Ruby’s eyes were watering but she went nuts for it! P’s husband saw what she was eating and how much she loved it and asked P if one of Ruby’s parents was Indian! (The kid couldn’t be any whiter). We have decided that Ruby was an East Indian in her past life and we have started calling her Rubinder.
So it's not that she's not ready to eat. It's that she's fussy and we just need to persist and get her pallet used to different foods. For now, kichari will help get us through bottle weaning. One step backwards, two steps forward. Some progress is being made. I may spend the weekend cooking Indian food and get stocked up for my little Rubinder.
Ok, while I do agree that we need to let our babies take the lead somewhat and show us when they’re ready to do/eat/drink certain things, there does come a time when Mom has to take the reins and put some rules into place. If I let Ruby take the lead, she would drink from her bottle til she was 7 and would probably not eat anything more than yogurt and Mum Mum cookies until she was 18. If I don’t introduce new foods to her and reduce her bottles now, it is not going to get any easier for either of us. I was advised by her doctor who has two young children and has spent part of his career working in BC Children’s hospital, that if she doesn’t start reducing her milk and increasing her food, she will slowly stop developing.
To clarify, I’m not going cold turkey with her on the bottles. She still gets her bottle before bedtime, and one bottle during the day. That is plenty as far as I’m concerned. Just because it’s hard getting her to take milk from the sippy cup doesn’t mean that I should keep allowing her to take the bottle all the time. Keep in mind that other than a package of yogurt and some Cheerios in the morning, for the past 6 weeks or so milk has been her main source of calories in the day. It’s just time to change that.
There are going to be lots of things that are going to change in her life and she’s not going to like them all when they first happen (and likely nor will I). I don’t think I should give up on it until she thinks she’s ready because that may not be good for her health.
I know she’s been through a lot of changes lately and that is why I don’t mind that daycare gives her a bottle still and that she’s started sucking on her soother a bit during the day at daycare. I’m not all militant about everything. If she needs to revert backwards a bit, I don’t mind. I think that one sippy cup of milk a day is something that she needs to get used to and is reasonable for me to implement.
As for what she eats… she never did like baby food or purees. She’s always been into what I’m eating and I always give her a taste of what I’m eating. She always gets bits of our dinner, modified slightly for her. Some things she’ll nibble on, some things she throws. She throws a lot of food.
I was joking around about the wrap because wouldn’t you know it that she picked a time when I was STARVING to decide to eat what I was eating.
The girl is determined and stubborn. She has been running the show around our house for quite some time. There are going to be some battles while making some transitions that just need to be made.
Hope that all makes sense and clarifies some of the stuff I wrote in my last post without sounding snarky. Not meaning to sounds snarky at all, just wanted to clarify.
In other news… GOOD NEWS… Ruby had a really good eating day yesterday. Funny thing though, she will only eat East Indian food! My Indian girlfriend sent me some kichari (Indian dish with lentils, rice, peas, carrots) that her mother made and Ruby LOVES it. When we had our last eating strike a couple of months ago, it was the kichari that got her eating again so my girlfriend brought me another batch. Ruby eats and eats and eats it. She ate it at daycare yesterday and then was mad when it was gone! So “P” (daycare lady) gave her some of her daal and home made yogurt (P is also East Indian). It was a little bit spicy and in the end Ruby’s eyes were watering but she went nuts for it! P’s husband saw what she was eating and how much she loved it and asked P if one of Ruby’s parents was Indian! (The kid couldn’t be any whiter). We have decided that Ruby was an East Indian in her past life and we have started calling her Rubinder.
So it's not that she's not ready to eat. It's that she's fussy and we just need to persist and get her pallet used to different foods. For now, kichari will help get us through bottle weaning. One step backwards, two steps forward. Some progress is being made. I may spend the weekend cooking Indian food and get stocked up for my little Rubinder.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
War
War is being waged in my home. Ruby is NOT impressed with her new eating/sippy cup routine and I am learning what a nasty little temper she has.
When I dropped her off at daycare yesterday I told "P" of the new routine. She was all for trying it out. But when I went to pick Ruby up she told me that Ruby would NOT take her milk from the sippy cup. And she wouldn't eat her carrots/beans/potatoes that I sent. No big surprise there, but she did eat some homemade rice pudding that P made and a little cheese and some animal crackers. Not great, but not terrible.
Ruby and I hung out and played for a bit when we got home and then I made myself a lowfat wrap to snack on before dinner because I was VERY hungry. Well wouldn't you know it, the conniving little shit wanted to eat half my wrap. Well hell, if she wants to eat it I'm not stopping her. I will go hungry if it means she's eating something.
Tara: 1
Ruby: 0
Later, she refused the dinner I made her - which I thought she'd love. And when I say "refused" I mean she was taking swings at me as I was trying to put a bite in her mouth and when I managed to get a chunk in her little yap, she gave me the death stare and dug it out of her mouth and flung it against the wall.... right next to the place where I was banging my head. This went on until I had to walk away and let her freak out for a few minute in her highchair while I hid in the bathroom and cried.
Tara: 1
Ruby: 1
She then got to the point where she was so hungry she was completely delirious and out of control, crying and whining and being nasty (biting and hitting). There is absoluteley ZERO chance of getting any solid food in her at this point.
So I filled up her sippy cup with warm milk and offered it to her. And that's when our big battle began. She started to drink and then realized it was milk so she gave me the death stare again and flung the cup. Then she cried because she wanted a bottle. I offered her the cup again and she flung it again, then she grabbed it and tried to pour it out in between the cracks of the couch (that will smell great later). I gave it to her while holding it myself and she hit it and tried to hit me. Then she took off and did a few laps around the living room all the while crying and giving me the most bitter, dirty looks I have ever seen the child give. She'd stop in front of me once a lap and I'd try the milk again and it only pissed her off more. (No wonder "P" said the sippy cup "didn't work"). After about 5 or 6 laps around the room, she took a little bit of a drink from it. Couple more laps of tantrum throwing and I got her to sit in my lap and I leaned her back a bit like she was getting a bottle and the little bugger drank every last drop of milk in that god forsaken sippy cup. I have 7 new grey hairs and 2 new wrinkles on my face, but I got it to happen.
Tara: 2
Ruby: 1
I then got her to eat some yogurt with mashed raspberries in it (yay) before I sent her to bed with a bottle (boo).
Tara: 3
Ruby: 2
We tried to add some home made oatmeal to her breakfast this morning and she gave the look of having just been poisoned and tried to scrape any oatmeal that made it into her mouth off of her tongue.
Tara: 3
Ruby: 3
What??? We're tied? Then why does it feel like I'm getting my ass kicked and losing terribly??? I want to throw in the towel and let her drink from a bottle until she's 20 and can make her own decisions...
When I dropped her off at daycare yesterday I told "P" of the new routine. She was all for trying it out. But when I went to pick Ruby up she told me that Ruby would NOT take her milk from the sippy cup. And she wouldn't eat her carrots/beans/potatoes that I sent. No big surprise there, but she did eat some homemade rice pudding that P made and a little cheese and some animal crackers. Not great, but not terrible.
Ruby and I hung out and played for a bit when we got home and then I made myself a lowfat wrap to snack on before dinner because I was VERY hungry. Well wouldn't you know it, the conniving little shit wanted to eat half my wrap. Well hell, if she wants to eat it I'm not stopping her. I will go hungry if it means she's eating something.
Tara: 1
Ruby: 0
Later, she refused the dinner I made her - which I thought she'd love. And when I say "refused" I mean she was taking swings at me as I was trying to put a bite in her mouth and when I managed to get a chunk in her little yap, she gave me the death stare and dug it out of her mouth and flung it against the wall.... right next to the place where I was banging my head. This went on until I had to walk away and let her freak out for a few minute in her highchair while I hid in the bathroom and cried.
Tara: 1
Ruby: 1
She then got to the point where she was so hungry she was completely delirious and out of control, crying and whining and being nasty (biting and hitting). There is absoluteley ZERO chance of getting any solid food in her at this point.
So I filled up her sippy cup with warm milk and offered it to her. And that's when our big battle began. She started to drink and then realized it was milk so she gave me the death stare again and flung the cup. Then she cried because she wanted a bottle. I offered her the cup again and she flung it again, then she grabbed it and tried to pour it out in between the cracks of the couch (that will smell great later). I gave it to her while holding it myself and she hit it and tried to hit me. Then she took off and did a few laps around the living room all the while crying and giving me the most bitter, dirty looks I have ever seen the child give. She'd stop in front of me once a lap and I'd try the milk again and it only pissed her off more. (No wonder "P" said the sippy cup "didn't work"). After about 5 or 6 laps around the room, she took a little bit of a drink from it. Couple more laps of tantrum throwing and I got her to sit in my lap and I leaned her back a bit like she was getting a bottle and the little bugger drank every last drop of milk in that god forsaken sippy cup. I have 7 new grey hairs and 2 new wrinkles on my face, but I got it to happen.
Tara: 2
Ruby: 1
I then got her to eat some yogurt with mashed raspberries in it (yay) before I sent her to bed with a bottle (boo).
Tara: 3
Ruby: 2
We tried to add some home made oatmeal to her breakfast this morning and she gave the look of having just been poisoned and tried to scrape any oatmeal that made it into her mouth off of her tongue.
Tara: 3
Ruby: 3
What??? We're tied? Then why does it feel like I'm getting my ass kicked and losing terribly??? I want to throw in the towel and let her drink from a bottle until she's 20 and can make her own decisions...
Monday, January 11, 2010
Food
Ruby had her 12 month checkup today at the doctors. The doctor noted that she’s perfectly healthy and alert and happy (and entertaining). Our big concern though, is that the kid does not like to eat food. Drinking bottles, she’s fine but eating food is a huge challenge. There are very few foods that she will eat. One day she likes something and the next day she chews it, then digs it out of her mouth and chucks it. She loves throwing food more than eating. It makes me crazy.
So today the doc confirmed that she needs to start eating more solids, less milk. He wants us to get her off the bottle because she’s become too reliant on it. She needs to get her milk from a sippy cup now. He says that with taking the bottle away, she’ll get hungry enough and she’ll start eating. I’m not so sure it will be that easy but I agree with him that this needs to be done. She eats like a little bird. I think a lot of her issues with food are texture related. She’ll usually take at least one bite of anything I offer, but then she starts swinging her arms like propellers around her face when we go in for bite #2. After a meal, the area around her highchair is like a mine field of discarded, chewed up, flung food.
I realized today that she’s been running the show in regards to her poor eating habits. It needs to change and it’s going to. It’s just going to be hard for a while. I know it and I need to mentally prepare for it.
In other food related news, I’m working on finding myself a better eating plan. I really don’t want to gain 68lbs again. I’ve already gained 13 in just 17 weeks so I need to work on getting things under control and not letting the pregnancy be my excuse for turning a blind eye to the scale. Upon the approval of my midwife, I’ve tried to do a bit of a modified Weight Watchers plan – one where I eat more than the regular plan would let me, but still having a daily limit and keeping track of everything and being accountable. My midwife said I could do this as long as I followed some rules. I’m not to allow myself to starve. I need to eat smaller meals every couple of hours. I need to have protein with every meal. The first week was really hard. Maybe too hard. I was really hungry and therefore mentally and physically drained and I was miserable and depressed. It didn’t feel good and so I know it wasn’t right. So this week I’ve decided that instead of quitting, I need to make some more modifications. I’m not allowing myself to get so hungry but I will try to fill the void with healthy options. I need to keep tweaking it until I get it right. I’m not going to hurt myself or the baby so please don’t lecture me about doing this. I want to be healthy both physically and mentally.
I do not want to give birth in June and have a load of extra weight on me during the summer while caring for a newborn and a toddler and feeling like shit about myself. I don’t want to have to hide in my house all summer because I’m too fat to go anywhere and feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Not that I see myself stepping out on the town all that much (or ever) because I think I might be a little bit busy. Anyways, it’s important to me that I take care of myself and somewhat manage my weight gain now, to make things easier come June and beyond.
It’s unfortunate that Ruby and I couldn’t find some happy medium between us, she could have a little of my appetite and I could have a little of her food aversion. But for now it’s a battle in opposite directions for the two of us. Wish us luck.
So today the doc confirmed that she needs to start eating more solids, less milk. He wants us to get her off the bottle because she’s become too reliant on it. She needs to get her milk from a sippy cup now. He says that with taking the bottle away, she’ll get hungry enough and she’ll start eating. I’m not so sure it will be that easy but I agree with him that this needs to be done. She eats like a little bird. I think a lot of her issues with food are texture related. She’ll usually take at least one bite of anything I offer, but then she starts swinging her arms like propellers around her face when we go in for bite #2. After a meal, the area around her highchair is like a mine field of discarded, chewed up, flung food.
I realized today that she’s been running the show in regards to her poor eating habits. It needs to change and it’s going to. It’s just going to be hard for a while. I know it and I need to mentally prepare for it.
In other food related news, I’m working on finding myself a better eating plan. I really don’t want to gain 68lbs again. I’ve already gained 13 in just 17 weeks so I need to work on getting things under control and not letting the pregnancy be my excuse for turning a blind eye to the scale. Upon the approval of my midwife, I’ve tried to do a bit of a modified Weight Watchers plan – one where I eat more than the regular plan would let me, but still having a daily limit and keeping track of everything and being accountable. My midwife said I could do this as long as I followed some rules. I’m not to allow myself to starve. I need to eat smaller meals every couple of hours. I need to have protein with every meal. The first week was really hard. Maybe too hard. I was really hungry and therefore mentally and physically drained and I was miserable and depressed. It didn’t feel good and so I know it wasn’t right. So this week I’ve decided that instead of quitting, I need to make some more modifications. I’m not allowing myself to get so hungry but I will try to fill the void with healthy options. I need to keep tweaking it until I get it right. I’m not going to hurt myself or the baby so please don’t lecture me about doing this. I want to be healthy both physically and mentally.
I do not want to give birth in June and have a load of extra weight on me during the summer while caring for a newborn and a toddler and feeling like shit about myself. I don’t want to have to hide in my house all summer because I’m too fat to go anywhere and feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Not that I see myself stepping out on the town all that much (or ever) because I think I might be a little bit busy. Anyways, it’s important to me that I take care of myself and somewhat manage my weight gain now, to make things easier come June and beyond.
It’s unfortunate that Ruby and I couldn’t find some happy medium between us, she could have a little of my appetite and I could have a little of her food aversion. But for now it’s a battle in opposite directions for the two of us. Wish us luck.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Struggle
So much going on right now. The stress level is somewhat “elevated”. I’m struggling. I’m overloaded. I’m pretty sure I’m depressed.
Work has pretty much smoothed out. Maybe too much. It’s gotten easy and I’m usually done “work” by noon, with nothing left to fill my afternoon. It drives me crazy. I’d like to be busy. Sitting here watching the clock tick is not my idea of a good time.
Ruby hates daycare. It’s been baaaad. And that makes me feel baaaaad. And if I’m going to be honest, I don’t like the way M (daycare lady) is handling it. When I picked Ruby up on Friday she said, “I hate to tell you this but today was the WORST day yet. Worse than her first day. And I am exhausted!” I picked up a hint of her being pissed off about it. She then went on to tell me that Ruby refuses to nap and it’s causing the other kids not to nap because she cries and wakes them up. She also told me that the other baby that’s there never cried and now that Ruby’s crying all the time she cries too. She also suggested that I haven’t socialized her enough around other kids because when the other kids go near her she cries. She said when she puts on music the other kids dance and Ruby cries.
I cannot help but to take this personally. I have done my best to be the best mother that I can possibly be. Ruby is obviously having a hard time adjusting to spending the day with strangers and I don’t know how I could have better prepared her for it. Should I have started dropping her off at the mall for a few hours each week and let her hang out there on her own??? You know, get her used to being in a strange place with strange people? She’s a fucking BABY for crying out loud! When do I leave my baby with strangers???
When I picked Ruby up on Friday she had dried snot on her face and when she saw me she started frantically signing “milk”. When I got her home I looked in her bag and I saw that the morning bottle that I send with her was still in there. She hadn’t been fed it. She has other smaller bottles there so I’m hoping she got one of those. But this morning I wasn’t going to take a chance so I fed her the bottle before we left. I mentioned this to M when we got there this morning and she got all defensive saying that she feeds her right away in the morning and her problem isn’t hunger. She “guarantees” it. I then mentioned to her that Ruby had a bite mark on her leg and that perhaps that’s why she cries when the other kids come near her. She got all defensive and said none of the kids that go there are biters… Maybe she fell on a toy. A horseshoe shaped toy the same size as a kid’s mouth with little notches all around it. Maybe they play with false teeth.
I also talked to her about Ruby having just spent the weekend around other kids and she was fine. She’s very social. She said that was just because I was there. Well, I was “there” but I wasn’t sitting beside her holding her hand. I was busy doing other things in the house.
She then went off about her university degree in child psychology and Ruby’s problem isn’t hunger or anything else other than she misses me during the day and can’t adjust to being around new people. Well then I wish she wouldn’t suggest that I didn’t socialize her properly or tell me how disruptive she is to the other kids or how “EXHAUSTED” she is after looking after Ruby all day. Because I pay her a LOT of money to do this job. And she has a “university degree”. And she’s done this for 8 years. So suck it up lady and help make my kid comfortable. And quit fucking making me feel bad! (or is that just me making myself feel bad?)
There has been a bunch of other stuff going on too. Like it was Ruby’s birthday on Sunday and we had a little birthday party for her. Steve’s family showed up two hours late. The rest of us tried to wait around to open gifts and have cake but in the end I said Fuck It and went ahead without them all. It was frustrating and put a gray cloud over the party.
And our fucked up, weirdo, asshole tenants moved out of our basement on Sunday morning as well. I’ve never been so happy to see the back end of someone. It was a super stressful morning though – particularly when Steve nearly came to blows with their “moving guys” (stoners with tattoos on their faces, reeking of pot). This also put a “tone” on our day. Not to mention the money we now need to spend to have the carpet professionally cleaned and Steve has to do some repairs to a broken door. I still don’t feel like the place is all mine yet. Renting out my basement was one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made in a while.
And Christmas is creeping up and I haven’t been able to get stuff done. We don’t even have a tree yet. I haven’t done all my shopping. Thinking about it makes my head want to explode.
I guess everything else wouldn’t be such a big deal if everything was ok with Ruby. She’s my number one concern and it rips my heart out to know that she’s having a rough go of it. But put it all together and I’m fucking fucked. I just want to cry my eyes out. The past few nights I’ve done just that but not until Ruby’s gone to bed, the dishes are done, the house is clean, lunches are made, dinner for the next night is planned and a load of laundry is in the washer. Shit still has to get done.
I know there's bigger, badder worse things going on in the world but in my little world this shit is tearing me down.
Work has pretty much smoothed out. Maybe too much. It’s gotten easy and I’m usually done “work” by noon, with nothing left to fill my afternoon. It drives me crazy. I’d like to be busy. Sitting here watching the clock tick is not my idea of a good time.
Ruby hates daycare. It’s been baaaad. And that makes me feel baaaaad. And if I’m going to be honest, I don’t like the way M (daycare lady) is handling it. When I picked Ruby up on Friday she said, “I hate to tell you this but today was the WORST day yet. Worse than her first day. And I am exhausted!” I picked up a hint of her being pissed off about it. She then went on to tell me that Ruby refuses to nap and it’s causing the other kids not to nap because she cries and wakes them up. She also told me that the other baby that’s there never cried and now that Ruby’s crying all the time she cries too. She also suggested that I haven’t socialized her enough around other kids because when the other kids go near her she cries. She said when she puts on music the other kids dance and Ruby cries.
I cannot help but to take this personally. I have done my best to be the best mother that I can possibly be. Ruby is obviously having a hard time adjusting to spending the day with strangers and I don’t know how I could have better prepared her for it. Should I have started dropping her off at the mall for a few hours each week and let her hang out there on her own??? You know, get her used to being in a strange place with strange people? She’s a fucking BABY for crying out loud! When do I leave my baby with strangers???
When I picked Ruby up on Friday she had dried snot on her face and when she saw me she started frantically signing “milk”. When I got her home I looked in her bag and I saw that the morning bottle that I send with her was still in there. She hadn’t been fed it. She has other smaller bottles there so I’m hoping she got one of those. But this morning I wasn’t going to take a chance so I fed her the bottle before we left. I mentioned this to M when we got there this morning and she got all defensive saying that she feeds her right away in the morning and her problem isn’t hunger. She “guarantees” it. I then mentioned to her that Ruby had a bite mark on her leg and that perhaps that’s why she cries when the other kids come near her. She got all defensive and said none of the kids that go there are biters… Maybe she fell on a toy. A horseshoe shaped toy the same size as a kid’s mouth with little notches all around it. Maybe they play with false teeth.
I also talked to her about Ruby having just spent the weekend around other kids and she was fine. She’s very social. She said that was just because I was there. Well, I was “there” but I wasn’t sitting beside her holding her hand. I was busy doing other things in the house.
She then went off about her university degree in child psychology and Ruby’s problem isn’t hunger or anything else other than she misses me during the day and can’t adjust to being around new people. Well then I wish she wouldn’t suggest that I didn’t socialize her properly or tell me how disruptive she is to the other kids or how “EXHAUSTED” she is after looking after Ruby all day. Because I pay her a LOT of money to do this job. And she has a “university degree”. And she’s done this for 8 years. So suck it up lady and help make my kid comfortable. And quit fucking making me feel bad! (or is that just me making myself feel bad?)
There has been a bunch of other stuff going on too. Like it was Ruby’s birthday on Sunday and we had a little birthday party for her. Steve’s family showed up two hours late. The rest of us tried to wait around to open gifts and have cake but in the end I said Fuck It and went ahead without them all. It was frustrating and put a gray cloud over the party.
And our fucked up, weirdo, asshole tenants moved out of our basement on Sunday morning as well. I’ve never been so happy to see the back end of someone. It was a super stressful morning though – particularly when Steve nearly came to blows with their “moving guys” (stoners with tattoos on their faces, reeking of pot). This also put a “tone” on our day. Not to mention the money we now need to spend to have the carpet professionally cleaned and Steve has to do some repairs to a broken door. I still don’t feel like the place is all mine yet. Renting out my basement was one of the biggest mistakes I’ve made in a while.
And Christmas is creeping up and I haven’t been able to get stuff done. We don’t even have a tree yet. I haven’t done all my shopping. Thinking about it makes my head want to explode.
I guess everything else wouldn’t be such a big deal if everything was ok with Ruby. She’s my number one concern and it rips my heart out to know that she’s having a rough go of it. But put it all together and I’m fucking fucked. I just want to cry my eyes out. The past few nights I’ve done just that but not until Ruby’s gone to bed, the dishes are done, the house is clean, lunches are made, dinner for the next night is planned and a load of laundry is in the washer. Shit still has to get done.
I know there's bigger, badder worse things going on in the world but in my little world this shit is tearing me down.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Laundry
~ Notice the new blog look? That's kind of how I feel lately. Dark. Red. Kind of swirly. Kind of mad. Does the blog look mad? Dark red always indicates angry. I'm trying not to feel so resentful and angry lately. I'm working on it, I really am.
~ I started to write a post about how much I love my Ruby Tuesdays. Not the restaurant - the day of the week that Steve's weekend is over and he goes out the door and I get to hang out with Ruby in a nice quiet house and do my own thing without having to listen to any obnoxious sports channels and I can get caught up on housework without having someone in my way messing things up as I clean. But then I thought that I have aired enough dirty laundry lately and if I keep bitching about Steve you will soon all think he's a horrible man. He's not really. Right now we're just struggling to find our way with our new lifestyle - the parent lifestyle. One of us has adapted better than the other. He still thinks he can live life the way he was before, without making many concessions or doing any extra work.
Seriously stop, Tara.
~ Ok, just one more thing! We had an argument this morning. I have been jogging every morning before he goes to work. I am out of the house between 7am - 7:30am. He starts work at 8am. He works 10 minutes away. He complained this morning that my jogging *nearly* caused him to be late yesterday and maybe I should get up and go jogging earlier. He was just being pissy because he had to change a diaper AND feed the baby. He was "advised" that it is HIS JOB to care for Ruby in the mornings - that includes all duties. And that perhaps HE should get up earlier (while Ruby and I are still sleeping) and have his shower and get himself ready for the day before she gets up. That way he is ready to leave when I return from jogging. This is my ONLY thing that I get to do for myself and I'm not making any adjustments just so he can get to work early and sit in the coffee room and suck on a double-double, and gossip with his buddies for 20 minutes before he starts work. He agreed that him getting up earlier might be a good idea. Good for him.
Ok now I will stop with the bashing. For reals.
~ Ruby has completely and totally relapsed in the solids department. I had her eagerly eating solids twice a day and then I don't know what happened. But over the past week or two - it suddenly stopped. It's like she totally forgot how to eat. She has ZERO interest in it again. She'll be 7 months old on Monday and I can't get her to eat two tablespoons worth of rice cereal in a day. I try not to let it bother me, but it's really frustrating. I NEVER show my frustration in front of her though - it's always La La La - food is fun! We're all happy when we eat! La La La! The book I'm reading says just to keep trying little bits every day and to not force the issue. I will continue to do that.
~ Despite months of rigorous training, Ruby has NOT yet said "Mama" but instead she has started saying "DADA". Not sure where she heard this word, except maybe me cursing it under my breath.
~ I found a daycare for Ruby for when I return to work in December. As soon as I walked into the place I fell in love with the girl who runs it and I fell in love with the clean, organized and tidy manner the place was in. It felt good to be there and Ruby was happy. I did not get the same feeling from "Deliverance" Daycare that I visited, which had run over toys laying crushed in the driveway, filthy carpets and furniture, windows so thick with film you couldn't see through them, a vicious barking dog, and the lady who ran it just stood there staring at me with her wandering eye and buck teeth. She just said, "Yup. This is it."
Oh no, Carole. It's not.
~We are going to start "Babytime" tomorrow. Every Thursday for the month of July I will subject myself to songs, puppet plays, "action rhymes", and stories - all in the name of entertaining Ruby. (And also in the name of getting out of the house.) I am thinking of bringing along a flask of vodka to hide in my bra.
~ UFC fight this Saturday. I don't really care all that much for it except that it's entertainment and excuse for people to get together. We're invited to a friend's house to watch it. I usually bring Ruby to everything I go to in an effort to socialize her and get her used to different life events and situations . But I know it will be loud and there will be men yelling at a loud TV (not to mention blood spilling fights) and I just don't feel good about bringing her to that. So I will either stay home and have a quiet Ruby-Saturday, or my mom has offered to babysit so I can go. On the fence. I know I should get out at any opportunity that arises (because there aren't that many opportunities arising), but.... meh.... right now I just don't feel all that into it. Maybe by Saturday I will have changed my mind. Maybe not. There's definitely something to be said for a quiet Saturday night at home - although Steve wouldn't know much about that...
I know, I said I wouldn't. Sorry. I'll stop now.
~ I started to write a post about how much I love my Ruby Tuesdays. Not the restaurant - the day of the week that Steve's weekend is over and he goes out the door and I get to hang out with Ruby in a nice quiet house and do my own thing without having to listen to any obnoxious sports channels and I can get caught up on housework without having someone in my way messing things up as I clean. But then I thought that I have aired enough dirty laundry lately and if I keep bitching about Steve you will soon all think he's a horrible man. He's not really. Right now we're just struggling to find our way with our new lifestyle - the parent lifestyle. One of us has adapted better than the other. He still thinks he can live life the way he was before, without making many concessions or doing any extra work.
Seriously stop, Tara.
~ Ok, just one more thing! We had an argument this morning. I have been jogging every morning before he goes to work. I am out of the house between 7am - 7:30am. He starts work at 8am. He works 10 minutes away. He complained this morning that my jogging *nearly* caused him to be late yesterday and maybe I should get up and go jogging earlier. He was just being pissy because he had to change a diaper AND feed the baby. He was "advised" that it is HIS JOB to care for Ruby in the mornings - that includes all duties. And that perhaps HE should get up earlier (while Ruby and I are still sleeping) and have his shower and get himself ready for the day before she gets up. That way he is ready to leave when I return from jogging. This is my ONLY thing that I get to do for myself and I'm not making any adjustments just so he can get to work early and sit in the coffee room and suck on a double-double, and gossip with his buddies for 20 minutes before he starts work. He agreed that him getting up earlier might be a good idea. Good for him.
Ok now I will stop with the bashing. For reals.
~ Ruby has completely and totally relapsed in the solids department. I had her eagerly eating solids twice a day and then I don't know what happened. But over the past week or two - it suddenly stopped. It's like she totally forgot how to eat. She has ZERO interest in it again. She'll be 7 months old on Monday and I can't get her to eat two tablespoons worth of rice cereal in a day. I try not to let it bother me, but it's really frustrating. I NEVER show my frustration in front of her though - it's always La La La - food is fun! We're all happy when we eat! La La La! The book I'm reading says just to keep trying little bits every day and to not force the issue. I will continue to do that.
~ Despite months of rigorous training, Ruby has NOT yet said "Mama" but instead she has started saying "DADA". Not sure where she heard this word, except maybe me cursing it under my breath.
~ I found a daycare for Ruby for when I return to work in December. As soon as I walked into the place I fell in love with the girl who runs it and I fell in love with the clean, organized and tidy manner the place was in. It felt good to be there and Ruby was happy. I did not get the same feeling from "Deliverance" Daycare that I visited, which had run over toys laying crushed in the driveway, filthy carpets and furniture, windows so thick with film you couldn't see through them, a vicious barking dog, and the lady who ran it just stood there staring at me with her wandering eye and buck teeth. She just said, "Yup. This is it."
Oh no, Carole. It's not.
~We are going to start "Babytime" tomorrow. Every Thursday for the month of July I will subject myself to songs, puppet plays, "action rhymes", and stories - all in the name of entertaining Ruby. (And also in the name of getting out of the house.) I am thinking of bringing along a flask of vodka to hide in my bra.
~ UFC fight this Saturday. I don't really care all that much for it except that it's entertainment and excuse for people to get together. We're invited to a friend's house to watch it. I usually bring Ruby to everything I go to in an effort to socialize her and get her used to different life events and situations . But I know it will be loud and there will be men yelling at a loud TV (not to mention blood spilling fights) and I just don't feel good about bringing her to that. So I will either stay home and have a quiet Ruby-Saturday, or my mom has offered to babysit so I can go. On the fence. I know I should get out at any opportunity that arises (because there aren't that many opportunities arising), but.... meh.... right now I just don't feel all that into it. Maybe by Saturday I will have changed my mind. Maybe not. There's definitely something to be said for a quiet Saturday night at home - although Steve wouldn't know much about that...
I know, I said I wouldn't. Sorry. I'll stop now.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Mum-Mum
Ruby's been boycotting her milk the past couple of days. I don't know why.
She's been on formula for two weeks now without incident, so I don't think it's the switch from breastmilk. She whines a lot and gives me signals like she's hungry (she even recently started signing "milk" although she doesn't quite have it totally figured out yet), but then when presented with a bottle she gags on it and gives me a dirty look - even before the milk hits her tongue. Sometimes she'll drink a half bottle and then be done with the whole thing.
She's been getting better at eating solids - she LOVES carrots, and is starting to enjoy bananas mixed in with her rice cereal in the morning. As long as the food is fairly thin, and warm - she's willing to give it a shot.
I knew that eating solids would change her milk schedule - I expected that. But I didn't expect it to get so erratic. And for her to be so fussy and fickle about her bottles.
I try not to worry too much about it. I figure she knows what she wants and I'm just her slave, to present her with whatever I think she wants and hope for the best. (There has been a lot of formula dumped down my sink lately).
Admittedly, it bothers me that I seem to be misreading her ques lately though. I had gotten pretty darn good at knowing what she wants. I know when she wants milk, when she wants naps, when she wants extra attention, when she wants to chill out. But lately it seems all mixed up and I'm not getting it. It frustrates me. I have a neurotic need to be good (or better yet, perfect) at everything I do - so I hate that I seem to be misunderstanding her right now.
I know this probably wasn't the right thing to do - but after she refused a bottle today but was still acting hungry - I put her in her highchair and gave her her first Mum-mum. When all else fails, cookies are the answer - are they not? They are in my world...
She's been on formula for two weeks now without incident, so I don't think it's the switch from breastmilk. She whines a lot and gives me signals like she's hungry (she even recently started signing "milk" although she doesn't quite have it totally figured out yet), but then when presented with a bottle she gags on it and gives me a dirty look - even before the milk hits her tongue. Sometimes she'll drink a half bottle and then be done with the whole thing.
She's been getting better at eating solids - she LOVES carrots, and is starting to enjoy bananas mixed in with her rice cereal in the morning. As long as the food is fairly thin, and warm - she's willing to give it a shot.
I knew that eating solids would change her milk schedule - I expected that. But I didn't expect it to get so erratic. And for her to be so fussy and fickle about her bottles.
I try not to worry too much about it. I figure she knows what she wants and I'm just her slave, to present her with whatever I think she wants and hope for the best. (There has been a lot of formula dumped down my sink lately).
Admittedly, it bothers me that I seem to be misreading her ques lately though. I had gotten pretty darn good at knowing what she wants. I know when she wants milk, when she wants naps, when she wants extra attention, when she wants to chill out. But lately it seems all mixed up and I'm not getting it. It frustrates me. I have a neurotic need to be good (or better yet, perfect) at everything I do - so I hate that I seem to be misunderstanding her right now.
I know this probably wasn't the right thing to do - but after she refused a bottle today but was still acting hungry - I put her in her highchair and gave her her first Mum-mum. When all else fails, cookies are the answer - are they not? They are in my world...
Friday, June 12, 2009
The end of an era...
Yesterday I pumped for the final time at 3pm. And I cried myself to sleep last night. Not because of the discomfort of full, rock-hard breasts (that didn't really happen until about 3am). But because of the finality of all. And because there is something about watching my baby eagerly drink back a bottle of breastmilk that came straight from me, that makes me feel really close to her. Our own special little bond. I can't help but feel like formula is just "food", and my milk was more than that.
But like "Operation:Overnighter", just because it's difficult doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do. Just because it's difficult doesn't mean that I should put it off. It's simply time. The toll that that pump is taking on my life and my family is something that I'm not willing to compromise with anymore. I know that weaning would be hard at ANY age. If I had $110 extra dollars I would go visit my therapist and I am quite certain she would confirm that I am doing the right thing and then she would give me a good dose of tough love and make me snap out of this guilt bullshit. But since I don't have the $110 dollars, I'm just going to have to fight the fight on my own (and perhaps with a little help from my dear internets).
I'm sure however, that a couple of days of being pump free will do wonders in the mood lifting department. In fact, it's not been 24 hours yet and although my chest feels like someone sewed two giant boulders under my skin and then held them over an open flame for a couple of hours, the break from pumping is already making me feel happier.
I've been giving Ruby supplemented formula feedings for a couple of days now and it's going well. We're up to 50/50 with no problems. (I still have plenty in the fridge and freezer if I need it). Her appetite seems to have changed a little though - she doesn't always finish her bottles and I wonder if that's because there's more calories in the formula and she gets fuller faster. I'd like to go with that train of thought instead of my Crazy Mommy Guilt train of thought which says she isn't finishing it (occasionally) because she doesn't like it.
My worries were somewhat abated by Steve last night. He fed her at 4am and through the baby monitor I could hear him softly chanting, "Rob-erts! Rob-erts! Rob-erts!" When he came out of her room with an empty bottle I anxiously asked, "Did she take it ok!? Did she finish the bottle?!!??"
He said, "Did she finish the bottle??? Tara, she chugged it!!! She's going to be a big hit one day at Spring Break!"
But like "Operation:Overnighter", just because it's difficult doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do. Just because it's difficult doesn't mean that I should put it off. It's simply time. The toll that that pump is taking on my life and my family is something that I'm not willing to compromise with anymore. I know that weaning would be hard at ANY age. If I had $110 extra dollars I would go visit my therapist and I am quite certain she would confirm that I am doing the right thing and then she would give me a good dose of tough love and make me snap out of this guilt bullshit. But since I don't have the $110 dollars, I'm just going to have to fight the fight on my own (and perhaps with a little help from my dear internets).
I'm sure however, that a couple of days of being pump free will do wonders in the mood lifting department. In fact, it's not been 24 hours yet and although my chest feels like someone sewed two giant boulders under my skin and then held them over an open flame for a couple of hours, the break from pumping is already making me feel happier.
I've been giving Ruby supplemented formula feedings for a couple of days now and it's going well. We're up to 50/50 with no problems. (I still have plenty in the fridge and freezer if I need it). Her appetite seems to have changed a little though - she doesn't always finish her bottles and I wonder if that's because there's more calories in the formula and she gets fuller faster. I'd like to go with that train of thought instead of my Crazy Mommy Guilt train of thought which says she isn't finishing it (occasionally) because she doesn't like it.
My worries were somewhat abated by Steve last night. He fed her at 4am and through the baby monitor I could hear him softly chanting, "Rob-erts! Rob-erts! Rob-erts!" When he came out of her room with an empty bottle I anxiously asked, "Did she take it ok!? Did she finish the bottle?!!??"
He said, "Did she finish the bottle??? Tara, she chugged it!!! She's going to be a big hit one day at Spring Break!"
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Drama Queen much?
Sooooo.... deep breath in.... and out....
It seems I may have a penchant for over reacting with Ruby related issues.
What? You hadn't noticed?
Sometimes it seems I get myself so worked up and upset and psychotic to the point that I can't stand myself and then I totally talk myself down and reason and breath and find a way to fix the problem.
My solutions:
I am going to start weaning Ruby from breastmilk to formula. I've spent a good long time thinking about this and weighing the pros and cons. I've agonized over the guilt. I have embraced the guilt and I am now letting it go and I am moving on. We need to find a way to make our lives as simple and happy as possible and that means I need to give up the pump. I have my limits and they are being reached. I realized that I am making things not very nice in my home because I am becoming a nasty, cranky bitch. Yes, more so than I was before. And I can see how my marriage has been a little "luke warm" if not cold at some times lately. I will admit that if I were Steve, I certainly wouldn't enjoy coming home to me everyday. I know that if I can free up some of my time, and stop that "soul sucking" pumping, that I will be a happier and nicer person. And that is the end of that. (I hope).
I went to the store last night and stood in the formula isle for a good 3 hours. Reading labels. Shaking cans. Weighing the (many) options. I will admit I was slightly shocked by the price of formula. I ended up buying a small can of "easy to digest" liquid concentrated formula. I have supplemented 3 of her feeds with it so far and I am pleased to announce that there have been no "Exorcist" re-enactments thus far. The diapers are still a bit ugly but nothing overly out of the ordinary and nothing I can't handle (Steve on the other hand, cannot handle them - he is in poopy diaper training right now).
I ordered this book. I have had a hard time finding any literature on feeding and nourishing kids but this book was recommended on a pamphlet that I received from our local Health Unit after I had Ruby. I don't want her to have a bad relationship with food and for solids we're not off to a very good start. I need some professional guidance. I am also going to speak with a health nurse today at my "mommy group" and hope that they can at least guide me in the right direction. And hopefully there are no breastfeeding lectures because seriously? Fuck off about that already.
Also of note: today I hit my pre-pregnancy weight. I have 4lbs to go until I am at my pre-IVF weight. I plan on continuing on with the weight loss although I know it will be a little harder once I'm not pumping anymore. Or maybe it will be easier because I will have that little bit of extra time and energy.
Geez, I'm starting to wonder if I'm bipolar...
It seems I may have a penchant for over reacting with Ruby related issues.
What? You hadn't noticed?
Sometimes it seems I get myself so worked up and upset and psychotic to the point that I can't stand myself and then I totally talk myself down and reason and breath and find a way to fix the problem.
My solutions:
I am going to start weaning Ruby from breastmilk to formula. I've spent a good long time thinking about this and weighing the pros and cons. I've agonized over the guilt. I have embraced the guilt and I am now letting it go and I am moving on. We need to find a way to make our lives as simple and happy as possible and that means I need to give up the pump. I have my limits and they are being reached. I realized that I am making things not very nice in my home because I am becoming a nasty, cranky bitch. Yes, more so than I was before. And I can see how my marriage has been a little "luke warm" if not cold at some times lately. I will admit that if I were Steve, I certainly wouldn't enjoy coming home to me everyday. I know that if I can free up some of my time, and stop that "soul sucking" pumping, that I will be a happier and nicer person. And that is the end of that. (I hope).
I went to the store last night and stood in the formula isle for a good 3 hours. Reading labels. Shaking cans. Weighing the (many) options. I will admit I was slightly shocked by the price of formula. I ended up buying a small can of "easy to digest" liquid concentrated formula. I have supplemented 3 of her feeds with it so far and I am pleased to announce that there have been no "Exorcist" re-enactments thus far. The diapers are still a bit ugly but nothing overly out of the ordinary and nothing I can't handle (Steve on the other hand, cannot handle them - he is in poopy diaper training right now).
I ordered this book. I have had a hard time finding any literature on feeding and nourishing kids but this book was recommended on a pamphlet that I received from our local Health Unit after I had Ruby. I don't want her to have a bad relationship with food and for solids we're not off to a very good start. I need some professional guidance. I am also going to speak with a health nurse today at my "mommy group" and hope that they can at least guide me in the right direction. And hopefully there are no breastfeeding lectures because seriously? Fuck off about that already.
Also of note: today I hit my pre-pregnancy weight. I have 4lbs to go until I am at my pre-IVF weight. I plan on continuing on with the weight loss although I know it will be a little harder once I'm not pumping anymore. Or maybe it will be easier because I will have that little bit of extra time and energy.
Geez, I'm starting to wonder if I'm bipolar...
Monday, May 25, 2009
Drained
I am feeling worn out lately and my mood sucks right now.
OK... The teething? It sucks. It sucks real bad. No teeth have actually pushed through yet and I just wish they would already. The poor little bugger just whines and whines and whines and I love her to death but the whining! It drives me! After hours of it, I just want to smash my head against the wall (that's MY head). And of course I feel bad for letting it get to me. She can't help it, poor little soul. She's obviously in some serious discomfort. And it doesn't seem to bother Steve nearly as much as me, which makes me look like an even bigger asshole.
And then there's the pumping. Fuck, I am getting tired of that shit. Especially lately since Ruby has been eating a lot more than usual. I am pumping, pumping, pumping and I sometimes just can't keep up with her (lucky the freezer is well stocked). And it DRAINS me. I feel like it's sucking the life out of me sometimes. It doesn't help that Steve's had the past week off work and we've been out and about, going here and there doing stuff. It's been really hard and sometimes really inconvenient. And I don't know if I'd ever mentioned it before but the actual action of pumping (and breastfeeding for that matter) gives me a really yucky, depressed, anxious feeling. It's never gone away (I thought it might with time). As soon as I'm done pumping the feeling goes away but just knowing how it's going to make me feel for that 15-20 minutes fills me with dread when I know I have to pump.
The thoughts of stopping pumping/breastfeeding make me feel really bad. I love that I am giving Ruby my breastmilk and she's done so well on it. And I like that I still have the option to breastfeed her whenever I need to - even though she's really ineffective at it. SOMETIMES it's comforting to her, and I know I always have that option to calm her when/if I need to. As for the other aspects of it - formula is expensive, and also it's giving me a little tiny bit of help with weight loss. The biggest factor - once it's gone, it's gone. I can't get it back. So quitting is a big decision. One that I need to think long and hard about. I'm not sure I'm ready yet, but damn it's tempting sometimes. It sure wears me down both physically and emotionally.
And speaking of weight loss, my diet has been suffering lately too. I'm trying to give myself a break because... I gained 68lbs with my pregnancy and I've lost 58lbs to date. I still have more than 10lbs to lose to be happy with myself (don't worry, I have it to lose), but obviously getting to my pre-pregnancy weight would be a huge accomplishment. The past few weeks though, my losses have been minuscule - which is very disheartening. And then with Steve on holidays this past week, well, I can rest assured any loss will be nonexistent this week. So I'm struggling a bit right now with motivation, and feeling crappy about that. Hey - not to mention that it's fucking hard to be on a diet/exercise program while taking care of a baby and a household.
I know I need to keep an eye on myself for PPD. I've done so well up to this point (Ruby will be 6 months old in a couple of weeks), but I know that if I don't take really good care of myself and my mood, I could easily be pulled under.
I wonder if when Steve goes back to work on Wednesday and I start getting back into a groove, if things will improve for me. I've loved having him home to help with Ruby and we've got to do some fun stuff together but maybe I need my routine back. I don't know. Maybe now that I've written about it, my issues will resolve themselves or I'll find the energy to pull my shit back together. It often seems to work that way.
OK... The teething? It sucks. It sucks real bad. No teeth have actually pushed through yet and I just wish they would already. The poor little bugger just whines and whines and whines and I love her to death but the whining! It drives me! After hours of it, I just want to smash my head against the wall (that's MY head). And of course I feel bad for letting it get to me. She can't help it, poor little soul. She's obviously in some serious discomfort. And it doesn't seem to bother Steve nearly as much as me, which makes me look like an even bigger asshole.
And then there's the pumping. Fuck, I am getting tired of that shit. Especially lately since Ruby has been eating a lot more than usual. I am pumping, pumping, pumping and I sometimes just can't keep up with her (lucky the freezer is well stocked). And it DRAINS me. I feel like it's sucking the life out of me sometimes. It doesn't help that Steve's had the past week off work and we've been out and about, going here and there doing stuff. It's been really hard and sometimes really inconvenient. And I don't know if I'd ever mentioned it before but the actual action of pumping (and breastfeeding for that matter) gives me a really yucky, depressed, anxious feeling. It's never gone away (I thought it might with time). As soon as I'm done pumping the feeling goes away but just knowing how it's going to make me feel for that 15-20 minutes fills me with dread when I know I have to pump.
The thoughts of stopping pumping/breastfeeding make me feel really bad. I love that I am giving Ruby my breastmilk and she's done so well on it. And I like that I still have the option to breastfeed her whenever I need to - even though she's really ineffective at it. SOMETIMES it's comforting to her, and I know I always have that option to calm her when/if I need to. As for the other aspects of it - formula is expensive, and also it's giving me a little tiny bit of help with weight loss. The biggest factor - once it's gone, it's gone. I can't get it back. So quitting is a big decision. One that I need to think long and hard about. I'm not sure I'm ready yet, but damn it's tempting sometimes. It sure wears me down both physically and emotionally.
And speaking of weight loss, my diet has been suffering lately too. I'm trying to give myself a break because... I gained 68lbs with my pregnancy and I've lost 58lbs to date. I still have more than 10lbs to lose to be happy with myself (don't worry, I have it to lose), but obviously getting to my pre-pregnancy weight would be a huge accomplishment. The past few weeks though, my losses have been minuscule - which is very disheartening. And then with Steve on holidays this past week, well, I can rest assured any loss will be nonexistent this week. So I'm struggling a bit right now with motivation, and feeling crappy about that. Hey - not to mention that it's fucking hard to be on a diet/exercise program while taking care of a baby and a household.
I know I need to keep an eye on myself for PPD. I've done so well up to this point (Ruby will be 6 months old in a couple of weeks), but I know that if I don't take really good care of myself and my mood, I could easily be pulled under.
I wonder if when Steve goes back to work on Wednesday and I start getting back into a groove, if things will improve for me. I've loved having him home to help with Ruby and we've got to do some fun stuff together but maybe I need my routine back. I don't know. Maybe now that I've written about it, my issues will resolve themselves or I'll find the energy to pull my shit back together. It often seems to work that way.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Eating, teething, rolling
I mentioned a few posts back that I had tried Ruby on rice cereal and that it caused her a rash so I stopped. Well, it turns out it wasn't the rice cereal causing the rash! It was this different soap that I tried on her. I didn't put it all together until the rice cereal was stopped and the rash was gone and I tried the soap again and she broke out really bad. So we're going back to the rice cereal soon, because she liked it. But first I want/need to buy a highchair, so I'm currently researching and polling people about good highchairs. Anyone have one that they *love*?
Ruby is yet to sprout any actual teeth, but oh my is she ever teething. The drool, the red cheeks, the extra puke, the ear pulling, the mouth fisting, and the baaaaaad mood... All pretty good indicators that some teeth are on the way. When they'll actually show up is anybody's guess. Yesterday she rolled over from her tummy to her back for the first time. I made her do it 3 times in a row to make sure it wasn't a fluke. I was so proud that I was bursting with tears, which I realize is kind of silly but whatever. It's the small things.
Ruby is yet to sprout any actual teeth, but oh my is she ever teething. The drool, the red cheeks, the extra puke, the ear pulling, the mouth fisting, and the baaaaaad mood... All pretty good indicators that some teeth are on the way. When they'll actually show up is anybody's guess. Yesterday she rolled over from her tummy to her back for the first time. I made her do it 3 times in a row to make sure it wasn't a fluke. I was so proud that I was bursting with tears, which I realize is kind of silly but whatever. It's the small things.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Random Bullets
* Last night Ruby ate 9oz within 2 hours. I thought maybe she was storing up for sleep time but then she did it again this morning, 4.5oz twice within 2 hours. Is this a growing spurt?
* I had started her on rice cereal a few weeks ago and she loved it. But then she got a rash on her tummy and a couple of spots of eczema on her head. I stopped giving her the cereal and the rash and eczema went away.
* This past week has been a write off as far as exercise goes - I've gotten very little. And my diet hasn't been as good as I would have liked either. But it was my birthday so I guess it's ok - I just feel crappy about it. And I suppose I should expect a smaller weight loss this week. (I weigh myself on Wednesdays).
* My tattoo artist opened up a brand spanking new shop and I was his first customer. I've had a few appointments since and am working on getting my sleeve finally finished. I have another appointment this evening and I'm looking forward to it.
* My mom seems to have come around in regards to my tattoos. She bought me this awesome (and expensive), hypo allergenic, non-scented cream for my birthday and said that she thought it would be nice to put on my tattoo while it's healing. A tattoo peace offering?
* Been struggling a bit in the mood department the past few days. I have a few things gnawing at me (that probably shouldn't bother me), hope I can resolve this and feel good again soon.
* Got my hair cut short and I totally love it.
* A friend recently announced she's pregnant with child #2. It made me feel that jealously and sadness again that comes along with IF. It's been while since I've felt that and I don't like it much.
* I was disappointed in the lack of effort Steve put out for my birthday. Can't help but feel slighted that he didn't treat me special. He did give me some cash for a couple of hours on my tattoo (which I totally appreciate) but he direct deposited it to my account the day after my birthday - not so special feeling.
* I'm already preparing myself to not get my hopes up for anything special from him for Mother's Day. Even though I think I really deserve something special after all that I've been through in the past year and all that I do on a daily basis. He just doesn't seem to be able to think of doing something special for me - but he's already talking about Father's Day.
* My close friend's dad passed away this weekend. His funeral is Friday morning at 10:30am and I know she would like me to be there. I just don't know what to do about Ruby. I don't think it's appropriate to bring her to a funeral. Steve and my mom both have to work that day and I don't have anyone to leave her with. I don't know what to do.
* Ruby's now been napping for one whole hour. This is a LONG nap since she's usually a 30 minute napper, maybe it's all that milk she's been slamming back in the past 24 hours?
* I had started her on rice cereal a few weeks ago and she loved it. But then she got a rash on her tummy and a couple of spots of eczema on her head. I stopped giving her the cereal and the rash and eczema went away.
* This past week has been a write off as far as exercise goes - I've gotten very little. And my diet hasn't been as good as I would have liked either. But it was my birthday so I guess it's ok - I just feel crappy about it. And I suppose I should expect a smaller weight loss this week. (I weigh myself on Wednesdays).
* My tattoo artist opened up a brand spanking new shop and I was his first customer. I've had a few appointments since and am working on getting my sleeve finally finished. I have another appointment this evening and I'm looking forward to it.
* My mom seems to have come around in regards to my tattoos. She bought me this awesome (and expensive), hypo allergenic, non-scented cream for my birthday and said that she thought it would be nice to put on my tattoo while it's healing. A tattoo peace offering?
* Been struggling a bit in the mood department the past few days. I have a few things gnawing at me (that probably shouldn't bother me), hope I can resolve this and feel good again soon.
* Got my hair cut short and I totally love it.
* A friend recently announced she's pregnant with child #2. It made me feel that jealously and sadness again that comes along with IF. It's been while since I've felt that and I don't like it much.
* I was disappointed in the lack of effort Steve put out for my birthday. Can't help but feel slighted that he didn't treat me special. He did give me some cash for a couple of hours on my tattoo (which I totally appreciate) but he direct deposited it to my account the day after my birthday - not so special feeling.
* I'm already preparing myself to not get my hopes up for anything special from him for Mother's Day. Even though I think I really deserve something special after all that I've been through in the past year and all that I do on a daily basis. He just doesn't seem to be able to think of doing something special for me - but he's already talking about Father's Day.
* My close friend's dad passed away this weekend. His funeral is Friday morning at 10:30am and I know she would like me to be there. I just don't know what to do about Ruby. I don't think it's appropriate to bring her to a funeral. Steve and my mom both have to work that day and I don't have anyone to leave her with. I don't know what to do.
* Ruby's now been napping for one whole hour. This is a LONG nap since she's usually a 30 minute napper, maybe it's all that milk she's been slamming back in the past 24 hours?
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
No rest
It's 3:24am and I've been up for two hours.
Ruby is sound asleep and has been since she ate at 1:20am. It was Steve's turn to feed her, yet with him letting her cry while he warmed a bottle and then feeding her right next to the monitor and then the dog wanting to be let out and then the dog wanting to be let in and then the dog running around the house barking and then the dog eating and then Steve fucking around on the computer and then Steve flushing the toilet and turning on and off lights, I *somehow* became wide awake and frustrated (and a little pissed off) which turned into a big fight.
And now everyone is sound asleep except me. I'm sitting up crying and can't get back to sleep.
I am so fucked for the day.
Ruby is sound asleep and has been since she ate at 1:20am. It was Steve's turn to feed her, yet with him letting her cry while he warmed a bottle and then feeding her right next to the monitor and then the dog wanting to be let out and then the dog wanting to be let in and then the dog running around the house barking and then the dog eating and then Steve fucking around on the computer and then Steve flushing the toilet and turning on and off lights, I *somehow* became wide awake and frustrated (and a little pissed off) which turned into a big fight.
And now everyone is sound asleep except me. I'm sitting up crying and can't get back to sleep.
I am so fucked for the day.
Friday, January 2, 2009
Fenugreek and Nursing Tea
I've been on Fenugreek and drinking the nursing tea for 3 days. It's to boost my milk supply so that I can have some extra milk for storage and emergencies.
I'm taking 1000mg of Fenugreek 3 times a day and drinking 3 cups of the nursing tea a day.
Ruby has been eating every 2 hours and I'm still just getting enough to feed her each time (I also have a small surplus in the fridge). But this means I'm pumping quite often, which should also help boost my supply, right? I'm also drinking lots of water and eating much better than I was a week or two ago.
But so far I haven't noticed any difference.
I'm just wondering how long it will take for my supply to increase? And will it be all of a sudden or gradual??
Does anyone know?
I'm taking 1000mg of Fenugreek 3 times a day and drinking 3 cups of the nursing tea a day.
Ruby has been eating every 2 hours and I'm still just getting enough to feed her each time (I also have a small surplus in the fridge). But this means I'm pumping quite often, which should also help boost my supply, right? I'm also drinking lots of water and eating much better than I was a week or two ago.
But so far I haven't noticed any difference.
I'm just wondering how long it will take for my supply to increase? And will it be all of a sudden or gradual??
Does anyone know?
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Being Honest
I have not been very successful with breastfeeding. It all started with Ruby not being interested at the breast and falling asleep, and progressed to the point of her being fitful, and right pissed off every time she was/is presented with the breast. She lost a bunch of weight - she was under 7lbs, down a whole pound at one point. It was then that I was told to get a pump and supplement the breastfeeding with bottle feeding.
The minute that bottle of breast milk went in her mouth, her whole demeanor changed. She stopped scratching at her own face (she had actually scratched the inside of her eye quite badly during one feeding), she stopped scratching my breasts, she stopped crying, she stopped throwing her head around, she stopped kicking. The minute that bottle went in her mouth, she instantly calmed down, relaxed and she was ever so content. Her little face became so peaceful and her eyes actually lit up. She was very obviously happy and content.
I briefly (for a couple of days) had a supply issue after I started pumping. My midwife believes it was stress that caused the shortage. I also think it could have been my physical post birthing condition as well - weak from blood loss and dehydrated. It was thought that maybe Ruby was an impatient baby and wasn't waiting for my milk to let down - which was why she was getting so mad and thrashing around. It turns out, that was not the problem as there is no longer any shortage whatsoever, yet she still reacts the same way when given the breast - even when milk it literally squirting out of my breasts and all over Ruby's face and everything else in range.
Since supplementing with pumped breast milk, I've done less and less breastfeeding - although I still try breastfeeding every single day. She's almost fully back to her birth weight now and she's ever so much happier. There is a noticeable difference between the days when I try to breastfeed her more. The more I try to breastfeed, the worse our day is. Days when I try to breastfeed her more, she is fussy and cranky. Days that I bottle feed her my breast milk she's happy, alert, content.
I have spent hours at a time, just trying to get just one successful feed into her - with no luck. The frustration level of both of us is ridiculous.
I am at a crossroads right now. I am really very saddened that I have failed in the breastfeeding department. I wanted so badly to be able to do this. I see so many other moms that have been successful and I can't help but think that there's something wrong with me that I haven't been able to do it. I love Ruby soooo much and I want to do everything right for her. I feel that I am denying the best possible thing for her. But on the other hand, I feel like it's the only way I can get her fed properly and keep her happy and content.
I cannot begin to tell you how frustrating and upsetting it is for me every day when I try and try and try and she refuses my breast. I cry a lot. I feel devastated. I feel on the verge of being depressed and I really don't want that.
I've talked to a lactation consultant and I've spent many hours on the phone and in visits with my midwives. The last resort that was just suggested to me is a Supplemental Nursing System. I've just discussed it with my midwife and she told me to sleep on it and decide if it's something I want to try as a last ditch effort.
To be honest, at this point I don't know if I'm interested in even trying it. I feel defeated and so sad already. I'm frustrated and upset. I don't want even more pressure on me to try the SNS only to have that fail on me too.
I feel really terrible. It's been drilled into my brain that breastfeeding is the absolute best thing you can do for your baby - and I really wanted to do it. The fact that I can't - or haven't been able to, makes me feel really, very bad inside.
I need to be able to fix the problem or get over it. I need to find a way to be at peace with the situation. I love Ruby so much and I want her to be happy and I want the best for her.
I'm racked with guilt.
The minute that bottle of breast milk went in her mouth, her whole demeanor changed. She stopped scratching at her own face (she had actually scratched the inside of her eye quite badly during one feeding), she stopped scratching my breasts, she stopped crying, she stopped throwing her head around, she stopped kicking. The minute that bottle went in her mouth, she instantly calmed down, relaxed and she was ever so content. Her little face became so peaceful and her eyes actually lit up. She was very obviously happy and content.
I briefly (for a couple of days) had a supply issue after I started pumping. My midwife believes it was stress that caused the shortage. I also think it could have been my physical post birthing condition as well - weak from blood loss and dehydrated. It was thought that maybe Ruby was an impatient baby and wasn't waiting for my milk to let down - which was why she was getting so mad and thrashing around. It turns out, that was not the problem as there is no longer any shortage whatsoever, yet she still reacts the same way when given the breast - even when milk it literally squirting out of my breasts and all over Ruby's face and everything else in range.
Since supplementing with pumped breast milk, I've done less and less breastfeeding - although I still try breastfeeding every single day. She's almost fully back to her birth weight now and she's ever so much happier. There is a noticeable difference between the days when I try to breastfeed her more. The more I try to breastfeed, the worse our day is. Days when I try to breastfeed her more, she is fussy and cranky. Days that I bottle feed her my breast milk she's happy, alert, content.
I have spent hours at a time, just trying to get just one successful feed into her - with no luck. The frustration level of both of us is ridiculous.
I am at a crossroads right now. I am really very saddened that I have failed in the breastfeeding department. I wanted so badly to be able to do this. I see so many other moms that have been successful and I can't help but think that there's something wrong with me that I haven't been able to do it. I love Ruby soooo much and I want to do everything right for her. I feel that I am denying the best possible thing for her. But on the other hand, I feel like it's the only way I can get her fed properly and keep her happy and content.
I cannot begin to tell you how frustrating and upsetting it is for me every day when I try and try and try and she refuses my breast. I cry a lot. I feel devastated. I feel on the verge of being depressed and I really don't want that.
I've talked to a lactation consultant and I've spent many hours on the phone and in visits with my midwives. The last resort that was just suggested to me is a Supplemental Nursing System. I've just discussed it with my midwife and she told me to sleep on it and decide if it's something I want to try as a last ditch effort.
To be honest, at this point I don't know if I'm interested in even trying it. I feel defeated and so sad already. I'm frustrated and upset. I don't want even more pressure on me to try the SNS only to have that fail on me too.
I feel really terrible. It's been drilled into my brain that breastfeeding is the absolute best thing you can do for your baby - and I really wanted to do it. The fact that I can't - or haven't been able to, makes me feel really, very bad inside.
I need to be able to fix the problem or get over it. I need to find a way to be at peace with the situation. I love Ruby so much and I want her to be happy and I want the best for her.
I'm racked with guilt.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Feeding Woes
I'm really having a rough go of it right now.
The breastfeeding thing is not going well and I am a fucking mess.
After my milk came in, things seemed to be going better. After a day, Ruby had gained an ounce and I was soooo happy and excited and feeling so good about things.
But feeding her continues to be a struggle. She's sleepy all the time and no matter what I do, she's just not being a good eater. (I've done everything - strip her down, burp her, change her diaper, ticker her, talk to her, blow in her face, put a cool cloth on her) She seems to want to fight with the nipple. She grabs at it and shakes her head and then latches on and sucks but only momentarily before she throws her head back again and spits it out and then frantically tries to find it again. Over and over and over. And then when she finally gets on it and starts sucking good, she usually falls asleep. It's just gotten worse and worse and yesterday she didn't feed well at all.
So no big surprise that when I weighed her yesterday she was down 2 ounces - which caused me to nearly have a nervous breakdown.
We called the midwife and she instructed me to immediately go out and get (rent) an electric breast pump and start expressing my milk. She said to breastfeed Ruby for 10 minutes on each breast and then top her up with a bottle of expressed milk. She said I should only need to do this for a week or so until Ruby gains some weight and then wants to eat more, at which point I can put her back on the boob exclusively.
So out we went into the freezing snow and cold last night at 10pm to the late night pharmacy and got all the stuff I needed.
The first feeding went so well. I gave her the boob for a little while until she wouldn't take it anymore (and it got too frustrating) and then I pumped and gave her the bottle. She took the bottle so well! She just sucked the milk back so eagerly which made me realize that there is no way she's been getting enough up until that point.
During that initial pumping I got a good amount of milk out and had some leftover which I put in the fridge.
But then when I tried to do the same thing at 2am, I barely had any milk! I was so disappointed because I had felt so good about the first pumped feeding and thought we were on the road to having a solution. Luckily I had the leftover milk from the first pumping, which I topped her up with.
Since then, I've had to top up the past two feedings because not enough milk is coming out. I'm so frustrated and upset. I just want to be able to do this!!! My boobs don't feel hard and full anymore, they're soft and mushy like before my milk came in.
I don't know why my milk supply went down so much. I did buy a new sports bra yesterday evening which I wonder now if it's too tight. I took it off early this morning and am just going bra-less. I've also tried to get more fluid in my body because perhaps I'm not hydrated enough?? I just don't know why it's happening but I'd do anything right now to fix this.
If she doesn't get enough milk from me I'm going to have to top her up with formula and I really, really don't want to have to do that.
On top of all this, Steve is back at work and I'm here alone trying to make it all work. It's hard using a double electric breast pump while trying to make sure Ruby is happy. The midwife told me that Steve needed to be home today to help me because this is getting really hard (and I'm still not feeling 100%) but he just couldn't call in sick... And he doesn't quite seem to understand why I'm sooo upset about it. He keeps telling me, "don't worry", "it will be fine", "you're doing great" "why are you crying??" but he doesn't know what it feels like to be in my position.
Why does it have to be so hard?
I'm so frustrated and upset.
The breastfeeding thing is not going well and I am a fucking mess.
After my milk came in, things seemed to be going better. After a day, Ruby had gained an ounce and I was soooo happy and excited and feeling so good about things.
But feeding her continues to be a struggle. She's sleepy all the time and no matter what I do, she's just not being a good eater. (I've done everything - strip her down, burp her, change her diaper, ticker her, talk to her, blow in her face, put a cool cloth on her) She seems to want to fight with the nipple. She grabs at it and shakes her head and then latches on and sucks but only momentarily before she throws her head back again and spits it out and then frantically tries to find it again. Over and over and over. And then when she finally gets on it and starts sucking good, she usually falls asleep. It's just gotten worse and worse and yesterday she didn't feed well at all.
So no big surprise that when I weighed her yesterday she was down 2 ounces - which caused me to nearly have a nervous breakdown.
We called the midwife and she instructed me to immediately go out and get (rent) an electric breast pump and start expressing my milk. She said to breastfeed Ruby for 10 minutes on each breast and then top her up with a bottle of expressed milk. She said I should only need to do this for a week or so until Ruby gains some weight and then wants to eat more, at which point I can put her back on the boob exclusively.
So out we went into the freezing snow and cold last night at 10pm to the late night pharmacy and got all the stuff I needed.
The first feeding went so well. I gave her the boob for a little while until she wouldn't take it anymore (and it got too frustrating) and then I pumped and gave her the bottle. She took the bottle so well! She just sucked the milk back so eagerly which made me realize that there is no way she's been getting enough up until that point.
During that initial pumping I got a good amount of milk out and had some leftover which I put in the fridge.
But then when I tried to do the same thing at 2am, I barely had any milk! I was so disappointed because I had felt so good about the first pumped feeding and thought we were on the road to having a solution. Luckily I had the leftover milk from the first pumping, which I topped her up with.
Since then, I've had to top up the past two feedings because not enough milk is coming out. I'm so frustrated and upset. I just want to be able to do this!!! My boobs don't feel hard and full anymore, they're soft and mushy like before my milk came in.
I don't know why my milk supply went down so much. I did buy a new sports bra yesterday evening which I wonder now if it's too tight. I took it off early this morning and am just going bra-less. I've also tried to get more fluid in my body because perhaps I'm not hydrated enough?? I just don't know why it's happening but I'd do anything right now to fix this.
If she doesn't get enough milk from me I'm going to have to top her up with formula and I really, really don't want to have to do that.
On top of all this, Steve is back at work and I'm here alone trying to make it all work. It's hard using a double electric breast pump while trying to make sure Ruby is happy. The midwife told me that Steve needed to be home today to help me because this is getting really hard (and I'm still not feeling 100%) but he just couldn't call in sick... And he doesn't quite seem to understand why I'm sooo upset about it. He keeps telling me, "don't worry", "it will be fine", "you're doing great" "why are you crying??" but he doesn't know what it feels like to be in my position.
Why does it have to be so hard?
I'm so frustrated and upset.
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Got Milk?
Firstly - all is well. Baby Ruby is adorable and I'm in love with her. I'm struggling a bit with recovery as I lost a lot of blood in delivery and I'm still really weak and shaky and I cannot do much of anything before I feel like I might faint. Steve has been awesome. He's become my personal assistant, chef, house keeper, and a huge support for me all around. He goes back to work on Thursday and I don't know what I will do without him. Seriously, I have anxiety just thinking about it.
And now to the reason for this post:
Since coming home on Sunday we've been breastfeeding as planned - it's going ok. I think we're getting the hang of it (Ruby and I) and I feel optimistic that it's something we're going to be pros at.
My milk just came in last night (Monday night) and we had a marathon feed - which was much needed as I just didn't feel like she was getting enough from the colostrum alone.
Today Ruby had her first checkup at the midwife's office.
Her birth weight was 7lbs12oz (not exactly the bruiser we were told to expect) and her going home weight, a day later was 7lbs5oz. Today she weighed 7lbs even.
I expect that now that my milk is in she should start to gain weight. The midwife gave us a scale to take home and we have to weigh her tomorrow to see if she's starting to gain.
The thing is, she's a bit of a lazy eater and it's a lot of work for me to get a "full meal" in her. And sometime she sleeps and sleeps and sleeps and I have to wake her up to feed her and that usually doesn't go well. She would rather sleep than eat. When I feed her after having to wake her up, she is really uninterested and it's frustrating for me because I feel like I NEED to get some food in her. I was told by the midwife today that right now I do need to get 8 "good feeds" in her every 24 hours and then any other little mini feeds on top of that, until she starts to gain. Once she starts gaining, I can let her sleep when she wants to sleep and eat when she tells me she's hungry - which I am soooo looking forward to.
So I'm just wondering what is typical? How long does it take for a baby to stop losing weight and start gaining? I really want to only feed her when she's hungry but obviously I want her to be healthy and start gaining - so I press on.
Any input, advice, suggestions?
And now to the reason for this post:
Since coming home on Sunday we've been breastfeeding as planned - it's going ok. I think we're getting the hang of it (Ruby and I) and I feel optimistic that it's something we're going to be pros at.
My milk just came in last night (Monday night) and we had a marathon feed - which was much needed as I just didn't feel like she was getting enough from the colostrum alone.
Today Ruby had her first checkup at the midwife's office.
Her birth weight was 7lbs12oz (not exactly the bruiser we were told to expect) and her going home weight, a day later was 7lbs5oz. Today she weighed 7lbs even.
I expect that now that my milk is in she should start to gain weight. The midwife gave us a scale to take home and we have to weigh her tomorrow to see if she's starting to gain.
The thing is, she's a bit of a lazy eater and it's a lot of work for me to get a "full meal" in her. And sometime she sleeps and sleeps and sleeps and I have to wake her up to feed her and that usually doesn't go well. She would rather sleep than eat. When I feed her after having to wake her up, she is really uninterested and it's frustrating for me because I feel like I NEED to get some food in her. I was told by the midwife today that right now I do need to get 8 "good feeds" in her every 24 hours and then any other little mini feeds on top of that, until she starts to gain. Once she starts gaining, I can let her sleep when she wants to sleep and eat when she tells me she's hungry - which I am soooo looking forward to.
So I'm just wondering what is typical? How long does it take for a baby to stop losing weight and start gaining? I really want to only feed her when she's hungry but obviously I want her to be healthy and start gaining - so I press on.
Any input, advice, suggestions?
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